Help! My Husband is having a hard time adjusting. — The Bump
Dads & Dads-to-be

Help! My Husband is having a hard time adjusting.

We just found out that we are pregnant and my husband is, shall we say, having a hard time adjusting. We have an amazing relationship, but he never wanted to have kids. He has a high stress job and is now super stressed over this. He is in shock mode and can hardly even talk about it with me. He says he wants me to be happy, but the other side of that sentence is implying that he is not. This is super awkward for us. (We haven't told anyone yet.) 

-What can I do to help him adjust to our new life?

-How long did it take some of you dads to be ok with it? 

Thanks! 

Re: Help! My Husband is having a hard time adjusting.

  • He simply never saw himself having kids. Kids are very permanent. He likes life the way that it is. I know he will be a great dad. It's just coming to the realization that our life is going to drastically change in a way that he never envisioned for us. We're responsible for this little life forever. It's stressing the poor guy out. Thanks for helping.   
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  • Frankly, for a guy who never saw himself having kids, it is going to stay a shock for a while.  It is a shock for those of us who were actively trying, when it actually happens.  That being said, it may wind up being the best thing that ever happened to him once he/she is here.  He's just going to have to come to grips in his own way, which may take some time.  As far as the stress, try not to make everything baby related (i.e. conversation, program choice, etc.) so he isn't feeling like he's being constantly inundated with it.
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  • I would agree with most of the above.  Give him time and try not to overwhelm him.  It could be very frustrating for you as he isn't as excited as you, but try to be patient.  Getting angry or upset will likely hurt more than help.

    image
  • image+kat+:
    He simply never saw himself having kids. Kids are very permanent. He likes life the way that it is. I know he will be a great dad. It's just coming to the realization that our life is going to drastically change in a way that he never envisioned for us. We're responsible for this little life forever. It's stressing the poor guy out. Thanks for helping.   

    Were you taking preventative measures? The Pill? Pull out and Pray? It seems like women who ask this question never mention the very relevant piece of information of "how did this unplanned baby happen?" If you were using pull out and pray he should have known he was playing with fire. On the other end, if he got a vasectomy, you can understand how he might be shocked and suspicious. And if you were on the pill, that adds a whole layer of complication.

     Also, is he even on board for you keeping the fetus?

    https://pbs.twimg.com/media/BhqjipgCIAAOz7H.jpg
    -My son was born in April 2012. He pretty much rules.
  • I would give him time.  Whether is pregnancy was a mutual decision or a surprise it will take some time to process.  I think women forget it takes a little longer for guys to process the big change because they aren't the ones with the little bean growing inside their body.

    My boyfriend did NOT want a baby...he went through a lot of unhappy stages when we found out we were pregnant.  He has only recently started warming up to the idea of being a dad.  It takes time. 

    Give him a little space and time to process all this.  Don't make demands on him to respond the way you might find 'appropriate'  Hopefully he comes around soon and understands this is a GREAT addition (even  unplanned) to your family.

  • Thanks so much for all the responses. Here's what I have learned so far from the dads for all you mommas to be:

    -Give him space. 

    -Give him time.

    -Don't make demands on him. 

    -You can NOT get upset with him if he isn't on the same page at this moment.

    -Don't make everything baby related or overwhelm him. (keep it very minimal) 

    -It may not seem as real to him yet because he isn't physically feeling the change.

    -Lots of people with stressful jobs have kids and make it work.

    -In time most guys do come around and even see it as a great addition to the family. 

    Thank you all! (I welcome any more comments.)

    @luckydad: We've not been taking any preventative measures for a few years now, so we knew there was a big chance. We are definitely keeping it. He is on board because he loves me and wants me to be happy. I know he means it. Even though he is struggling, he is the best hubby in the world. Thanks for helping. 

  • I think you are on the right track with what you've learned so far.  It is the shock factor that has him thrown for now and it'll simply take him a little more time than you due to the fact that he never saw himself having kids. 

    Don't worry about the stress of his job, remind him that although there will be new challenges to face ahead you are there to support him just as he is there to support you. You will both learn to manage your time whether around work and the new baby in time.

    Wish you the best!

  • imageColtsdad:
    Frankly, for a guy who never saw himself having kids, it is going to stay a shock for a while.  It is a shock for those of us who were actively trying, when it actually happens.  That being said, it may wind up being the best thing that ever happened to him once he/she is here.  He's just going to have to come to grips in his own way, which may take some time.  As far as the stress, try not to make everything baby related (i.e. conversation, program choice, etc.) so he isn't feeling like he's being constantly inundated with it.

     

    This. Nothing but this. For some of us, finding out we were going to be fathers was the realization of a long help hope. For others, it's scary as hell. Let him come around to the idea. Even if he's still a little nervous when he/she is born, chances are good he's going to melt as soon as he holds his child for the first time.

    BabyFetus Ticker
  • Honestly, kids always terrified my husband! Anytime I mentioned having kids his response was "we'll see." lol That was also his response about getting engaged and getting married. Anyways, he knew that I wanted kids more than anything and like your husband he would do anything to make me happy, it was definitely a surprise when we found out we were pregnant (I have severe endometriosis and was told that I would probably never be able to have kids, I was getting ready to have surgery and then start fertility treatment as a last resort before a hysterectomy, so he knew it was coming but not for awhile.) Anyways, he was in complete shock when I told him, he asked who I got to pee on the stick for me. lol He paced the kitchen for a couple of hours, sweated a lot, but I will never forget the look on his face during that first ultrasound. Like everyone else said, just give him time to adjust and let it sink in, it's terrifying for dads, I'm now 35 weeks and my husband is just now looking past the scary parts and truly getting excited about having a son to play with. Your husband will get there! Good luck and congratulations!
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Daisypath Anniversary tickers
  • imageLuckyDad:
    image+kat+:
    He simply never saw himself having kids. Kids are very permanent. He likes life the way that it is. I know he will be a great dad. It's just coming to the realization that our life is going to drastically change in a way that he never envisioned for us. We're responsible for this little life forever. It's stressing the poor guy out. Thanks for helping.   

    Were you taking preventative measures? The Pill? Pull out and Pray? It seems like women who ask this question never mention the very relevant piece of information of "how did this unplanned baby happen?" If you were using pull out and pray he should have known he was playing with fire. On the other end, if he got a vasectomy, you can understand how he might be shocked and suspicious. And if you were on the pill, that adds a whole layer of complication.

     Also, is he even on board for you keeping the fetus?

    This.....plus 1!

    Also, the bolded part at the top. Yes, kids are very, very permanent.  And yes, how he envisioned your llife together without a child, well, that's over now as well.

    This is very concerning to me, from my perspective.

    Also, the stress and responsibility of having a child does not end at any point. it is constantly in the forefront of every single decision that your household will make now.

    You guys really have to be on top of your communication over the next nine months. It will be critical to you as a couple, and as a new family. The nine months flies by, so I would not just sit on this and hope it passes.

    This is a really big deal for all of you, and you need to be constantly communicating about it so there are no surprises once the little one is here.

    image

  • Once he sees that kid it will all change! 
    AdvoCare Distributor https://www.advocare.com/130116900 Change your life and help others change their lives!!
  • Give him some time...that shock may last a lot longer than you think, or it could turn into nervousness or anxiety. But it will work itself out. 

    I'm assuming that you guys were using some or a lot of protection since he never pictured himself with kids....for someone who sounds so sure of not wanting kids I would assume condoms, pills and maybe a shot or two would be in full effect. No?

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • for all things baby related SQUEE on here. I have to try to keep my negativity and stress at bay around my DH. so I take it here - IE m/c worries. 

    I would def agree with giving him time and space.  

    Eat your food people. You are pregnant, not made of glass. ~PrimRoseMama
    The Benes Boys were born 9/3/13! woooo
    imageimage
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