Dads & Dads-to-be
Help! My Husband is having a hard time adjusting.
We just found out that we are pregnant and my husband is, shall we say, having a hard time adjusting. We have an amazing relationship, but he never wanted to have kids. He has a high stress job and is now super stressed over this. He is in shock mode and can hardly even talk about it with me. He says he wants me to be happy, but the other side of that sentence is implying that he is not. This is super awkward for us. (We haven't told anyone yet.)
-What can I do to help him adjust to our new life?
-How long did it take some of you dads to be ok with it?
Thanks!
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Re: Help! My Husband is having a hard time adjusting.
Were you taking preventative measures? The Pill? Pull out and Pray? It seems like women who ask this question never mention the very relevant piece of information of "how did this unplanned baby happen?" If you were using pull out and pray he should have known he was playing with fire. On the other end, if he got a vasectomy, you can understand how he might be shocked and suspicious. And if you were on the pill, that adds a whole layer of complication.
Also, is he even on board for you keeping the fetus?
I would give him time. Whether is pregnancy was a mutual decision or a surprise it will take some time to process. I think women forget it takes a little longer for guys to process the big change because they aren't the ones with the little bean growing inside their body.
My boyfriend did NOT want a baby...he went through a lot of unhappy stages when we found out we were pregnant. He has only recently started warming up to the idea of being a dad. It takes time.
Give him a little space and time to process all this. Don't make demands on him to respond the way you might find 'appropriate' Hopefully he comes around soon and understands this is a GREAT addition (even unplanned) to your family.
Make a pregnancy ticker
Thanks so much for all the responses. Here's what I have learned so far from the dads for all you mommas to be:
-Give him space.
-Give him time.
-Don't make demands on him.
-You can NOT get upset with him if he isn't on the same page at this moment.
-Don't make everything baby related or overwhelm him. (keep it very minimal)
-It may not seem as real to him yet because he isn't physically feeling the change.
-Lots of people with stressful jobs have kids and make it work.
-In time most guys do come around and even see it as a great addition to the family.
Thank you all! (I welcome any more comments.)
@luckydad: We've not been taking any preventative measures for a few years now, so we knew there was a big chance. We are definitely keeping it. He is on board because he loves me and wants me to be happy. I know he means it. Even though he is struggling, he is the best hubby in the world. Thanks for helping.
I think you are on the right track with what you've learned so far. It is the shock factor that has him thrown for now and it'll simply take him a little more time than you due to the fact that he never saw himself having kids.
Don't worry about the stress of his job, remind him that although there will be new challenges to face ahead you are there to support him just as he is there to support you. You will both learn to manage your time whether around work and the new baby in time.
Wish you the best!
This. Nothing but this. For some of us, finding out we were going to be fathers was the realization of a long help hope. For others, it's scary as hell. Let him come around to the idea. Even if he's still a little nervous when he/she is born, chances are good he's going to melt as soon as he holds his child for the first time.
This.....plus 1!
Also, the bolded part at the top. Yes, kids are very, very permanent. And yes, how he envisioned your llife together without a child, well, that's over now as well.
This is very concerning to me, from my perspective.
Also, the stress and responsibility of having a child does not end at any point. it is constantly in the forefront of every single decision that your household will make now.
You guys really have to be on top of your communication over the next nine months. It will be critical to you as a couple, and as a new family. The nine months flies by, so I would not just sit on this and hope it passes.
This is a really big deal for all of you, and you need to be constantly communicating about it so there are no surprises once the little one is here.
Give him some time...that shock may last a lot longer than you think, or it could turn into nervousness or anxiety. But it will work itself out.
I'm assuming that you guys were using some or a lot of protection since he never pictured himself with kids....for someone who sounds so sure of not wanting kids I would assume condoms, pills and maybe a shot or two would be in full effect. No?
for all things baby related SQUEE on here. I have to try to keep my negativity and stress at bay around my DH. so I take it here - IE m/c worries.
I would def agree with giving him time and space.