Get Divorced?

GK2009

Hi Ladies-

I don't usually post, but I am in such turmoil I could really use advice.  My husband and I have been together for 5.5 years and married for 3.  We are generally happy and we have the sweetest little 14 month old baby boy.  I was always happy.  I had a tough pregnancy and I had a "threatened miscarriage" when I suffered from a ruptured blood clot in my uterus.  That experience made me very nervous and I was so thankful when the baby was born-- I became a very nervous parent.  I did suffer from the baby blues for a few weeks after the birth of my son and I am a nervous mom.  My husband hates how nervous I have become and misses my care-free attitude.  All in all, I still thought we were one happy family.

This past weekend I just got a strange vibe from my husband as he kept mentioning his one friend "Laura."  I never ever check on him, but something didn't feel right.  I went into his email and found conversations between the two of them-- it was all about how he hated me and he wanted to get her in bed.  He was hardcore coming on to her.  The conversations started when our son was 6 months-- I was having a hard time-- our son is developmentally delayed, my grandmother died, my mom was diagnosed with cancer and I was starting a new job and I had gained a significant amount of weight (which is his biggest issue with me)-- there was a lot going on so maybe this is why I didn't notice this had been happening all these months.  I confronted him about the emails-- he immediately erased everything and changed all his passwords.  He admits to the "emotional affair" but said they never actually slept together.  I am beyond devastated.

He wants to work it out.  He wants the family to stay together.  I really don't believe he wants to be with me, I think he just doesn't want everything to go wrong for our son.  He said that he was unhappy and that talking to this woman was his escape.  We are doing a counseling session, but I just feel so torn.  Both our families know-- my family basically hates him and don't trust him.  I don't know how I can expect things to turn around and spend the rest of my life with him.

If you read this far-- thank you.  I would appreciate any down and dirty advice.  I still love him even though I hate him-- mostly, I am so scared to be all alone and I know he will fight to the death to try to get custody of our son.  My baby is my whole life.  I am really so scared of this situation.

Thanks for listening.

tracy41

I mostly lurk these days, but your post reminded me of my situation so I offer my own story and thoughts to you.

I had a tough time post-partum due to an unexpected c-section but was mostly okay and working hard to lose the baby weight.  When DS was 9 months I discovered my then husband was having an affair at work.  Up until that very moment I would have told you life was great.  He claimed it was an emotional affair, but he was lying.  After a week of wavering back and forth we decided to try to save our family.

 For six months I went to counseling and we went to couples counseling.  He went a few times on his own but did not enjoy it and refused to go back.  For those six months I know that I personally was doing everything I could to save my family and my marriage and that is why I am at peace with the divorce.  Because after six months I discovered his online dating profile listed on a few sex and dating websites and a hidden email account he was using to talk to women.  After that I was done and I knew it was the right decision.

The divorce took forever (almost a year) and DS is 2 1/2 now.  Luckily we did not have any custody or legal issues or it might have taken longer.

Divorce is not easy and it does not get easier.  My ex met a woman on-line and immediately started bringing her around our son.  They are now living together 3 months after they first met.  That is an issue I am dealing with now, so the divorce does not end the drama.

I just wanted to give you my story and perspective.  Family is important, marriage is important and if you can save them you should.  But it takes two people to make a marriage and if he is not completely on board then it is over whether you want it to be or not.  It does get easier as you get numb to the knowledge if that helps.  Take your time, do not rush it (unless you or your baby are in physical danger in which case get out immediately).  And lean on your family. 

My own drama is still pretty fresh but that is my take.  Maybe some of the ladies on here who have been out of it longer will have a different perspective.  My thoughts are with you.  Know that you can survive it.

GK2009

Thank you for your responses.  I appreciate your support-- I haven't told any of my friends about and you have both been so nice.

I am sorry for your situation as well... may I ask how you were able to figure out that your ex-husband had other email accounts and dating profiles?  That comment really struck something in me as I just don't trust my husband at all.  I hate uncovering this betrayal... but I don't want to be blind to what is actually happening.  If you have any tips on how to do a little detective work that would be helpful.  It is so strange how I discovered this in the first place-- I think I am still in total shock.

tracy41

You can learn a lot from the Internet. In my case I had purchased a tablet for him and noticed he was being overly cautious in not letting me have access to it. So I looked at its Internet history one day and found his profile pic as well as some half naked pictures of women that they had obviously taken themselves. I also had access to his cell phone records because I paid the bills. So, Internet browser history and Spokeo mostly.

Please remember that you have to work to reestablish your own trust in him too if it's going to work. On my case I went crazy with tracking him, then I set it aside to work on the relationship. It was only when I could really tell something was off that I checked again. Unfortunately I was right. Good luck. I hope it works out for you.

GK2009

Thank you again.  I am definitely in the crazy state of trying to track his every move... it is going to be a hard road.  I appreciate you reaching out.

Cdienst

Im so sorry. I honestly dont know how I would handle that situation. Trust is gone now obviously. I think you should try to regain any confience you can in yourself tell him that this is his fault not yours he needs to propose solutions. Try to see a Marriage counselor before lawyer though, for your children.