in law vent

hobo18

so my in laws are heavy chain smokers.  They smoke in the house, along with other family members, with windows closed and the gas fireplace blazing.  So we literally bake in the smoke.  Husband does not understand why I don't want to be in that environment.  On xmas I limited it to an hour and wound up staying and hour and a half until I could not take it anymore and had to leave.  Of course my allergies have been worse then ever while pregnant so the entire next day I was miserable.  I was actually happy in a way though because he got to see how bad I was the next day.  I couldn't breath, was all stuffy, my eyes burned and I sneezed all day.  Of course it was an issue we didn't stay long and MIL asked us in front of everyone if we like my family better.  I told her I just couldn't take the smoke anymore.  She told me she tried to go in a different room than me (their house is not big at all)  So of course it started a bickering match between my husband and I.  His mentality on this is his parents smoked and raised 8 kids and they are all fine (with the exception of most of them with sinus issues (but they don't trace that back to second hand smoke).  

so my question is how do I get him to see this is a major issue and has nothing to do with his family personally.  It is a health concern of mine., and should be one of his also!!!

MrsRKJ

Wow.  Do they realize that the second hand smoke is affecting the baby??  My DH's grandma is like that, and I refuse to go to her house...but DH is understanding about that.  What about when your LO is here?  Is DH going to be OK with your LO around that?  I understand that he grew up with it, but probably back then they didn't realize the effects of second hand smoke.  Maybe have DH talk with your doctor and have him/her talk some sense into him!  He should be all about the health of his child (and you of course

I would really put my foot down on this one...  Good luck!

 

TheyCalledHerKate

Not only is second hand smoke bad for you and the baby, but third hand smoke is potentially even worse. My FIL is a smoker (only smoked outside) and he does not smoke when I am around at all. Even if he has to go hours between cigarettes, he agreed not to smoke for the baby and I.

I would not spend any more time there because it's not worth the risk and discomfort. 

megaroo64

We are dealing with a similar situation with my DH's dad as well.  He place smells terribly of smoke to the point that it makes me nauseous every time we are there.  When we were there on Christmas, I guess I looked so terrible, that it finally clicked with my DH.  We have decided that he can come to us as smoking is not allowed in our home. 

I would have your DH talk to the doctor too.  Any doctor will say that it is a bad environment for you and the baby.  That way it isn't a you vs. him battle? it is doctor's orders.  And then can your in-laws come to your place in the future?  That way you can hang out with them for a longer time, without the health concerns.  

Like the PP, I would really put my foot down on this one too.  I would not want my kiddo in that environment.  Good luck! 

RussianMommy

pregnant or not, smoking indoors is absolutely disgusting. To be perfectly honest, if my H's family (or even my family for that matter) were indoor smokers, I would NEVER go to their house and I would not care if they called me out for it. I hate smoking with a passion. Do not feel bad about your MIL freaking out - she is clearly clueless. And a big WTF about her trying to smoke in a different room -- does she not know smoke TRAVELS and that because they all smoke indoors, you're also breathing in stale smoke air. Smokers are the most ignorant ppl I know.

mrshall10210

Make him read this: https://www.no-smoke.org/learnmore.php?id=671

mommatotwo2

I completely understand your concern. There are many studies out there showing the terrible effects of 2nd hand smoke as well as 3rd hand smoke, but I'm guess since they are purposefully inhaling the stuff, they could care less about all the studies.

When I was pregnant and shortly after the birth after my dd#1, I ended the relationship with my dad's side of the family (minus my dad) because they refused to go outside and smoke and smoke when I was over there visiting at the holidays. After DD was born, it was the same thing, so I was no longer willing to visit with them and over time the relationship was just too strained to continue. My parents are both smokers, but when they come over and only if they are here a long time, they smoke outside and they wash their hands when they come in. When DD was small, I made them put a big blanket over their shirts and hold DD on top of that. Extreme? Maybe. But I know the dangers and this is something that is too important to me to give in on.

ChrisLipstick

I think you should have your husband come to your next dr's appointment and ask the dr about being in a smoky environment. The dr should set him strait about the effects of smoke on the baby. 

Also, you are pregnant, which is difficult enough at times. Why does your husband want to make it harder on you by making you sick for a day every time you visit them? I think you should try to make him see that you are allergic to smoke - all smoke and not just his parents. Because of this allergy, you can no longer go to their house, but they are invited to yours (smoking outside). 

Disneygeek77

This is a problem with your husband more than your ILs, so I would focus on him.  Let it be very clear that being in your ILs house makes you physically ill.  You can't help it and it is nothing about them personally.  You can meet them and enjoy their company outside of their home, but you can't handle their home.  Just because him and his siblings are healthy ( so far) that still doesn't mean they they won't have future health problems. 

When it come to your and your baby's health and well being, you absolutely have to speak up and do what is in your best interests. That is all apart of being a good mom.

However, I do think it is a shame that your husband, a man who made vows to put you above all others, is more concerned with his mommy's feelings than you and your concerns.

hobo18

all good points girls.  I like the one about having him come with me to the doctor.  i tried that.  I asked the doctor and he said "well it's not good I would definitely limit your exposure to the least amount possible"   So when we started bickering about it I mentioned what the doctor said and he said "no thats not what he said.  He said it's not as bad as people make it out to be"  This conversation seriously happened between us.  How on earth could he hear that from the doctor???  He clearly heard what he wanted to hear.  I do agree that this issue is more with my husband than with his family.  I even mentioned having an open house at our house next xmas being we will have a new baby and anyone who wants to stop by stop by.  He didn't like that idea and said it's not fair to his family to have them come to us because they have been going by his mothers all these years.  I don't know what to do.  

pnutg

I would refuse to go there and your DH can explain why. Its common sense.

hobo18

what really blows my mind is they are a huge family.  He has 7 siblings and there are 17 grandchildren.  None of his brothers and sisters seem to care at all about having their children in this house. Does no one understand the health risks here??? 

AmandaAndTj

Well, for me, this would be a non negotiable issue. My dad died when i was 14 from lung cancer from smoking all his life. He was the only person in my family who smoked. I hated every second of being around it. I complained constantly but he never changed. If I was dealing with this as an adult, especially being pg or bringing my babies around it, I would totally refuse... In the most respectful way possible... But still refuse to be around it or subject my kids to it.

Edited to add: And quite possibly this is where my horrible allergies come from too!

watermellens

ChrisLipstick:

I think you should have your husband come to your next dr's appointment and ask the dr about being in a smoky environment. The dr should set him strait about the effects of smoke on the baby. 

Also, you are pregnant, which is difficult enough at times. Why does your husband want to make it harder on you by making you sick for a day every time you visit them? I think you should try to make him see that you are allergic to smoke - all smoke and not just his parents. Because of this allergy, you can no longer go to their house, but they are invited to yours (smoking outside). 

good idea...might help him to hear it from someone else.

hobo18

Well as I said him coming to the doctor with me didn't help. All his siblings willingly bring their children around without hesitation. I will be the only only *** that is how they will view me this is going to be an uphill battle and when the baby is here it will only get worse. Every single holiday they all pack into his parents small house so how can we not see his family for any of the holidays? I really just don't know what to do. I thought limiting my exposure would help but I was sick the next day. And I still didn't feel comfortable in that environment with a developing baby inside me.

Five_letter

hobo18:

what really blows my mind is they are a huge family.  He has 7 siblings and there are 17 grandchildren.  None of his brothers and sisters seem to care at all about having their children in this house. Does no one understand the health risks here??? 

You're not going to convince him otherwise. Not a chance of it.

How many times a year are you expected to visit your IL's house? I ask because my grandmom is a smoker (I should say was, she died last week). It was worth it for me to take my daughter to her house 4 or 5 times a year to help foster the relationship that I knew would be short term.  It's not like my child was there on a daily basis, but I definitely took her to visit. Perhaps your BIL and SIL's feel the same way if it's infrequent visits? What's the relationship with your child's grandparents worth to you?

Is your MIL willing to smoke outside?

 

 

hobo18

First let me say I'm very sorry about your loss.
They refuse to smoke outside because they don't see it being an issue. They don't just smoke they chain smoke. You walk into the house and you see clouds of smoke. They have every holiday and have many of the kids birthday parties there. So there are get togethers quite often. My father and brother are also smokers but they smoke outside, no questions asked.

Five_letter

hobo18:

First let me say I'm very sorry about your loss. They refuse to smoke outside because they don't see it being an issue. They don't just smoke they chain smoke. You walk into the house and you see clouds of smoke. They have every holiday and have many of the kids birthday parties there. So there are get togethers quite often. My father and brother are also smokers but they smoke outside, no questions asked.

Their absolute refusal to compromise would really get under my skin. 

I'd be planning holidays at my house. Honestly, I'm sorry to say, but I don't think you're going to convince your husband on this one. You're going to have to be the responsible parent in this situation even if they do label you as the family b!tch. 

Sucks. 

GraceInCA

This is one of those areas where I don't compromise. I won't expose my child (soon to be plural) to second or third hand smoke.  Our relationship with certain relatives has suffered, but it is their decision to smoke. 

Sydney0130

I know you said the Doc already spoke with him about it and he heard what he wanted to hear, but I'd bring it up again with your doctor at your next appointment and every.single.one after that for as long as it takes for it to sink in to your H's brain.  Make sure your husband is really listening and understands what the doctor is saying. I would even reiterate it to DH after the doctor explains it before you even leave the office so you can be sure you both heard the same thing. Hearing what he wants to hear isn't really a good excuse in this situation. My ILs smoke as well but luckily, they take it outside. Good Luck!

Disneygeek77

You have to keep reminding yourself that your health and the health of your children is more important than their feelings.  What his siblings do with their own children is irrelavant.  What if they decided they didn't want to buckle their children in car seats and seat belts, would it then be ok for your children as well ?  What if they decided they weren't going to put helmets on their children when they ride their bicycles ?  What if they decided they were going to leave their children in a hot car by themselves for a long time ?  Would it be ok for your children ? 

Listen, some people are just plain dumb or they are complete pushovers.  His siblings and their spouses are probably in that group or they engage in the bad behavior themselves and don't see a problem with it.  At a certain point, your inner mama bear has to come out and do what is in the best interest of your baby. Not what is best for your husband, not what is best for his siblings, not what is best for his parents, you have to do what is best for you baby. Again, what they think doesn't matter. It doesn't matter one bit.  Speak up for yourself and your baby since your baby can't speak up for themselves.  That is your job as it's mother.  Yeah, your husband and his family will probably get mad, but so what.    They are the ones in the wrong here and you know... this is all part of growing up.  Using your best judgement and do what is best for your family.  

pinottoparenthood

I don't care what anyone says (your husband, your in-laws, etc.)... I would NOT be in a house where people were smoking indoors when I was pregnant, period. Not even for 5 minutes. And if they have a problem and accuse you of liking your family more, I would say "My family doesn't smoke around me and endanger the health of myself and my child."

 Also, my child would NOT be spending any time at their house. Not a single minute. If they wanted to see him, they would have to come to my place and leave their cigarettes at home. I was just reading in What to Expect the First Year about the harmful effects of second hand smoke on kids, and there are TONS of them. I won't be around it. I would say they can choose between their cigarettes or their grandchild, period. 

Dragonfly1226

My ILs chain smoke. Luckily dh and I are on the same page about it. Do a bit of research and show him all the studies that show the harm secondhand smoke can have on you when you are pregnant and your child once the baby is born. I know you will find info that says it is a huge risk factor for SIDS. If that doesn't scare him enough then I would just be the b!tch. It's worth it to protect your LO.

lisa5201

If your doctor cannot explain it firmly or is not willing to sit down and have a serious chat with your DH about it, I would look into getting another Dr. And if that doesn't work look into getting a new DH (kidding....sort of). 

I had the same-ish issue with my in-laws and thankfully DH was completely on my side. I'd rather be a total b!tch than be totally negligent of my baby's health. The last time I spent Christmas at their house pre-pregnancy, I was sick for days afterward and it took more than one shampoo to get the smell out of my hair. I will be damned to hell if I'm scrubbing nicotine smell out of my baby's hair. *** that

Eleventy11

Smoking indoors is harmful for everyone. I would let my DH know that I was concerned about my health and LOs. If he doesn't care about that, then he's welcome to go there alone. Stick to your guns.

hoopduck

Your completely justified in keeping yourself and your LO away from harmful cigarette smoke. Studies have shown that homes that have been smoked in have layers upon layers of toxic chemical deposits in the walls, curtains, furniture, and vents. There's no getting away from third hand smoke in these homes, even if second hand smoke isn't an issue because they smoke outside while your there. I will also be doing my utmost to protect my unborn baby from the dangers present in my MIL home. She might not think smoking around a pregnant woman is a 'big deal' because she did it around her kids and 'they are fine.' That was her decision with HER kids, and this is my decision with MY LO. They have to respect our wishes as parents at the end of the day, anything less is boundary stomping and disrespectful. Keep strong and educate your DH as much as you can. Be absolutely relentless about it, he WILL come around if he cares about you and his child more than hurting his Mommy's precious 'feelings'. It's a dirty, disgusting habit, and he should be ashamed of himself for daring to defend her toxic, smoky home.

 

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3UtBD082It0&nbsp;&nbsp; <-- worth a watch, especially for your Dh!

jensriot

mainerocks:

Like other PPs, this would be completely non-negotiable for me too. Baby comes first, period. Meet them out for dinner, or invite them over but don't go to their house.

This is only going to continue when LO is here so you might as well make your stance now. Be super open to alternatives (like above ideas), but refuse to put your baby in danger. 

This. I grew up in this kind of house and moved out when I was 16 (to my Dad's) because of the smoke. The difference it made in my overall health was amazing. I made it very clear then that I would not be visiting if anyone smoked inside. Now that I have kids I'm even more adamant about it. I'm really surprised at the number of people that refuse to stop smoking around infants and don't see a problem with their behavior.

Stick to your guns on this. My family and DH's were very understanding and I'm sorry yours are not.