hopefulmom...

marrymemylove

Thanks for your reply earlier.I expect, based on what I liked and disliked about it so far that elementary IS the easiest. Though I also think teens won't be so bad. Maybe because I was a dream teen I'm wishful thinking there :-)?I appreciate that routines and schedules are important, more so than before I was a parent. But I think your approximation of ending feeds on demand at 1 month is completely unrealistic. I think feeding on demand is the right thing up to about 8 or 9 months. Agreed after some point it isn't. Feeding on demand was never an issue for me because he was much easier to deal with when he was feeding. Looking back the days when he would just cluster feed for hours on end were the easy days.?For my son, though routine helped him, schedules did not. He just had too much to do and scheduling did not do a thing other than wear us out trying to stick to it. Eg he did not nap more than 40 mins at a time from about 3 months until he was 18 months old. I've discovered that is pretty normal. But it is more exhausting than average. Also he slept only 2 hours at a stretch at night from birth to 1 year. There isn't much you can do about that except CIO and I think CIO is cruel so I wouldn't ever do it. (BTW I don't think it is CIO to have rules once he's old enough to understand, say after 18 months or so).?So I don't think it was in any way our fault that we were totally sleep deprived. And it certainly wasn't DS's fault.?When you say " I'm not a "dictator" per se but I do follow up on things (if I say no more cookies or fish crackers or whatever then I mean just that and no amount of crying will make me change my mind)." I agree with you.But that reasoning just doesn't apply to an infant who doesn't understand what you said the rule was in the first place, and it doesn't help get him to sleep even when you do stick to it. Eg We have a rule that if he's not going to sleep he's being read to. Only 2 options. I can't force him to fall asleep but I can give him only 1 alternative. ???As for in bed by 8 - not much point if all he's going to do is get up and come out again. Which is why we end up reading until he is actually sleepy (without allowing any other activity).Basically I think you're thinking of an older more rational child - most people do that - they forget the irrational, lack of understanding in infants and toddlers.I agree totally with the concern about an only child carrying the burden later on. Though I will say that in many families it is the youngest, or the unmarried daughter, or if they're the same - that person, who ends up doing everything. My mother has 3 older siblings but is the sole carer for her parents. Basically the others all had "other responsibilities" ie spouses. I would hope that if we adopted or changed our minds and had another that it wouldn't all fall to one of them, but I know you can't totally guarantee it won't. My grandparents never intended my Mum to end up bearing the brunt of it.?Unfortunately I expect I won't live to a ripe old age (not that I'm going to die young but my medical condition means I'm unlikely to live up to my genes of women who live into their 90s). So at least that will be less of a burden there has to be a bright side.?

hopefulmom

I guess I am cruel then...since I do believe in CIO.  Not for a tiny baby obviously (well maybe not obviously)...but not for a tiny baby.  As I said I was lucky that I had kids that did sleep through the night.  My oldest DD slept through the night the first night in the hospital and from then on.  Last feeding was at 11 pm and she got up again for another at 6 am.  To me...anything longer than 5-6 hours is sleeping through the night.  In those days you put babies on a feeding schedule although all my kids were demand to start with.  She was the only one who wanted to eat like every 1 1/2 hours (probably because she was my guinea pig and I didn't know any better).  At 6 weeks I told the doctor and he said it was because she was only eating (nursing) until she was no longer hungry but she was not full.  So...I just had to keep her awake to eat more and it worked out...she started going every 3 hours.  I put all my kids on that schedule.  All my kids were "sleepers" (must take after their mama) and would sleep from 8 pm until 8 or 9am.  They would be up for about 4 hours and then take a 2 hour plus nap.  They did this until they were in Kindergarten. 

I know that sometimes even though there are several children one child ends up "having to do it all".  I've seen that too...although the person that ended up doing it told me that if necessary (like if she got sick) her brother WOULD have taken over.  I never took care of my mother...my SIL did.  They lived in the same town, I was an hour away, their children were grown, mine were little, they were also better off financially than I and had her move in with them.  We could not have done that.  Financially we could have made do but we just did not have the space in our tiny house.  That is not to say I never went to relieve them so they could go on vacations, etc.  I think the "burden" is on the single child or the one with no children or the one that lived home the longest (or never left).  I think in your Mom's place it sounds like she did it because they were there for her when you were born and she was able to live with them at that time. 

Hopefully you WILL live to a ripe old age...although I feel the same way.  Only because longevity does not run in my family.  That is not the case on my DH's side so maybe he will be able to take care of me if necessary.  lol