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February 2013 Moms
Delivery room etiquette
DH and I went on our hospital tour last weekend, which prompted the discussion of exactly who would be in the delivery room and at the hospital with us. I had pictured the laboring and delivery as a private time, just the 2 of us, then some time for us to bond with LO instead of a big game of pass the baby around the room. I'd like to hold off on visitors until day 2 or maybe even until we get home. My family lives 2 states away and will plan on visiting once we are home and settled, so the issue at hand is his family who can be very overwhelming at times. When I shared my thoughts and concerns with DH, he was not happy. He wants his family there before, during and after. I hardly slept at all last night because I was so worried and upset about this. I was trying to think of a compromise so we can both be happy, but when it comes down to it, having extra people in and out of the room and lingering in the waiting room just isn't part of my plan. I know they're excited about this and I appreciate that but I really don't want visitors right away. Is it selfish to stand my ground and say no? Do I give in and allow the extra visitors even though it will add more stress? Part of me wants to tell him that when he's pregnant, he can have whoever he wants in the room, but I know that's not a mature response to this.
What would you do...or what have you done to solve this dilemma?
Thanks for your help!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Delivery room etiquette
Oh gosh...I can understand the "after" but the "before and during"? I would be really upset too. IMO since you're the one giving birth I think you have more say in this and you should NOT submit to his demands in this case. Maybe explain it to him this way - labor and birth are so unpredictable, there is no telling how long it will take and people might get impatient waiting if they are there when you are admitted. DH should be focused on you and not his family waiting outside the room. You don't need that kind of pressure and if people want updates they can be sent via text message. I think a good compromise is to let them come AFTER the baby is born and you have at least had a chance to take a shower. The birth is such a special time and I think the parents should have a little privacy for a few hours for crying out loud. Hopefully his family can respect that. Did DH already tell everyone they can be there the whole time?
NO! You are not being selfish at all. I would insist on what you want. With DS1, I wanted the same thing. Of course, I didn't get my way, but his family only came to the hospital once I was ready to deliver and were in the waiting room. However, the delivery took over 2 hours and everyone was in the waiting room stressed out, which only added to my stress. Then everyone was in the room 30 seconds after I was done getting stiches. THEN the next day 13 of my inlaws/DHs extended family showed up at the SAME TIME. I started crying.
Moral of the story - you have to demand what you want. If you think you are going to feel overwhelmed with everyone there - like I did - you probably will, and its better to deal with it now than to be a mess in front of everyone in the hospital.
Good luck!
I think it's a little nuts to have his family sitting in the waiting room for hours on end. Call them after the birth when you are ready for visitors.
It's not like the baby pops out and visitors come running into the room. The baby needs to have some tests, etc, you need to deliver the placenta, establishing feeding....make sure he's aware of this kinda of stuff and that you don't need an audience for any of that.
Have you taken any labor and delivery classes? My advice is that you sign up for them ASAP. I don't think men understand that labor is not a party and you don't want an audience. Taking a class and hearing an instructor or nurse talk about the stages of labor, the birthing/pushing process and what happens afterward will give your DH an idea of what you are in for. Then afterwards explain that you really don't want company, it's a time that you need to concentrate and focus.
ILs visiting during labor and delivery was not an issue for us, but initially DH wanted them to come to the hospital once the baby was born. I put my foot down and explained I wanted those first few hours for just the three of us and the ILs could visit later. Once we took the labor and delivery classes and the breast feeding and DH heard the instructor talk about how important those first few hours after birth are for skin-to-skin contact and breastfeeding, DH understood that it wasn't a great time to play "pass the baby". If you haven't signed up for classes yet, do so.
I would just tell him that labor and delivery are an intense and possibly stressful time and that you would be more comfortable and better able to focus on the task at hand if it were just the two of you. Tell him how stressed out you are about the thought of visitors during L&D. I would be willing to compromise though and allow his family to visit once you are settled into recovery so that they can meet your new LO.
Ultimately it is completely up to you. You are the one in labor and the nurses and hospital staff have to listen to you. If you say no visitors, that's what goes. I would absolutely not wait until labor to make this clear to your DH though.
Maybe compromise? I think a PP said to call once you get there, and then maybe have visitors after. For us, my parents live very close, and I wanted my mom in the delivery room. DH was fine with that, and, I think, was happy to have someone else there. After DD my mom went home and we were in the recovery room by ourselves with DD. That day, after work, his immediate family (parents and brother) stopped by and my mom and dad stopped by. Everyone was very polite, didn't overstay, etc...they knew I was tired, as was DH, and that I was working on the whole breastfeeding thing.
That being said, the arrangement worked out really well for us. I loved being alone with DD, but I was happy to have people there to talk to (because the hospital is...well...boring). We didn't really have many visitors besides our immediate families. I had a few friends call to congratulate us, but most of our other visitors came by the house.
I would say to go with what makes you comfortable. In the end, that will make you and baby the happiest.
Stand your ground. I say this becaus L&D is one of those things no matter how well it is planned that doesn't mean that is what is going to happen. You don't know how you are going to feel after. I told DH with DS that if I felt up to it they could come sometime after.
Let your nurses know your plans (even mother/baby nurses) that way if unwanted visitors show up they can keep them out. From my experience L&D nurses could have a second job as bouncers. They deal with it all the time so they know how to handle them. Plus they don't care to kick people out it is part of their job if needed.
I agree with PP about taking a class. I don't think your husband understands WHAT L&D entails. For me it was a private time, dr. and nurses in and out checking you etc. You don't exactly feel like entertaining. as far as I am concerned when it comes to laboring and delivering DH gets zero say, it isn't his junk that is on display to the world! Perhaps compromise can be met on what happens after. Maybe some time to bond and get some rest then allowing a few people to come. Personally my mom and my MIL were allowed in the room with us while I was laboring (I would like to stress I am pretty close with my MIL) and even my SIL with my first (and would have been with my second but she lives about two hours away now) she is a Ped and she has helped a lot to keep me from getting railroaded by pushy staff at the hospitals. when I had to get checked only DH would be in the room and when it was time to push. They were each able to hold the baby after we had and then everyone left and Gave us time to bond. With our first I didn't really want any visitors because I was really hurting and struggling. After number two I was feeling great and was able to sit up and move around so I didn't mind so much.
I think a good birthing class will help make this clear to your DH. It isn't something you can really "plan" because you don't know what time it will happen or how you are going to be feeling. Express that to him. But like I said, it's not his junk on display! Maybe you will get lucky and you will deliver at some ungodly hour of the morning and everyone will be sleeping.
Make a pregnancy ticker
Stand your ground on L&D. Having extra people there, unless you - yourself - need the support, will be nothing but stress and irritation. If he doesn't understand that, send him here and all of the ST+M club will rip him a new ass. The after part is a little different, especially depending on your personality. You might be dreading visits right now, but that 24hr stay in the hospital can be a very, very long day - having visitors to oogle over your baby might become a much more pleasant experience than you're anticipating.
With ours, we called a few major family members to let them know we were going into L&D so that they'd have a head's up in the event that we did want/need something (i.e. did we forget something at home we could really use someone to pick up, or we gave a list of people to call to this person so that they can make the announcements for us later, etc).. but we waited to call most people until after they were born. Everyone was still just as excited to hear about it once it happened, and they weren't coming in to the hospital for however many hours of labor took place earlier. We had trickles of visitors to meet each of our girls, get pictures, etc, and it was very nice. With the boys, we likely won't have many visitors beyond the few friends we have in the medical field and our older kids, just because they will be born at least 2 weeks early and we want to limit their exposure to coughs and colds and such.
Right ovary removed 09.04.2012 via vertical laparotomy
Essure implant placed on remaining tube 06.13.2013; successful followup scan 09.30.2013
Find some YouTube videos of women who are delivering their babies... My words to him would be "you are the only person besides nurses who I am willing to show my body to/ be in this situation with when we go through delivery" . You shouldn't have to lose your dignity to your in-laws unless YOU are comfortable with it.
I found some pretty blunt L&D videos on there the other day where a mother delivers on her hands and knees, then rips her shirt off moments after her LO pops out so she can hold her. To me it was eye opening to how (FTM here) open with your body you have to be. Personally, I wouldn't want my inlaws seeing my hoo ha. I would want my privacy too.
Sometimes people get this idea that birthing is magical and they romanticize it to death. Bring your SO up to speed with what it will really be like and share that moment with why it makes you uncomfortable. In the end, it is your body. You're not the circus where everyone can buy tickets to watch the show.
Your body, your decision. I didn't really have a plan but my parents stopped by during early labor. It was fine but when the pain got more intense I found myself getting pretty annoyed by them. My dad just wouldn't stay put in one place and I was tired of worrying about whether my butt was hanging out of my gown so I kicked them out.
After DD was here my DH ended up just holding her for the longest time and kind of forgot to tell our parents that she had arrived. To this day they all like to tell me how "long it took- we were so worried!" and it drives me nuts because I was given pitocin at 10am and they all met the baby by 6pm which is NOT A LONG TIME! My mom insists it was a long labor (because waiting rooms are boring, I guess) and I get kind of eye-rolly about it. So sorry to keep them waiting...
So my vote is to tell your DH that he can let people know when you're in active labor but they may be waiting a long time and you will approve or disapprove visitors based on how you are feeling at the time. You are the one doing all the work here so if you don't want witnesses, don't let them in. After birth your DH can go and let them know but reiterate that no one is coming in until you are emotionally and physically ready. Like pps said it takes a while to deliver the afterbirth, get stitched up (HEAVEN knows that no one needs to see that!!!) establish BFing, etc. You can't play pass the baby while your hoo-ha is hanging out and your baby is nursing.
This! Good for you though for trying to come up with a compromise instead of just shutting his opinion out all together. While I do think you should have more of a say in this particular situation, I think it can be easy to push aside their wants since they aren't birthing the baby, and I don't think that is fair. I agree with you though, I don't want anyone there at all until at least a couple hours after baby is born. We just finished our birthing class last week and it was really helpful for both of us to better understand what the whole process is about. At first we were unsure about what we wanted for our visitor situation but came away from the class knowing for sure we didn't want extra people hanging around!
I think it helps them to to hear it from someone other than their hormonal pregnant wives : ) Good luck!
DH and I have decided we are not calling ANYONE until after the baby is born and we have some bonding time. Then immediate family can stop by to visit at the hospital. I do not want anyone hovering around in the waiting room. DH did not like this plan initially, but the way I explained it was this: When I am in labor I am going to need his full support and attention. We are both going to have to concentrate. If we call people to let them know I am in labor, our phones will NEVER stop ringing. We will have to turn them off, and this will just make people worried. Plus, you have no idea how long it will take to actually have the baby.
He got on board after thinking about that... I would say especially for the before and during part, stand your ground. You are the one having the baby and you need to feel comfortable and relaxed as possible. Good luck!
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I've been debating asking my husband if he'd be ok with not calling anyone til afterward as well, for those exact same reasons. I want to be able to focus on the task at hand and not worry about fielding inquiries from worried/anxious grandparents. I really just want a couple of hours after baby is born to not have to worry about anyone but us.
I know my parents will at least be cool with waiting a bit to come visit, but I'm a bit worried his parents will gives a hard time since they were constantly bugging us about when we were going to have kids since before we got married, even though we were very open about wanting to wait at least five years we were only 23 when we got married. When it comes to grand babies, they just don't seem to understand boundaries.
Thanks ladies
When I looked into classes at the hospital where we will deliver, they suggested we wait until we are a few weeks closer to our due date. But we're definitely planning to sign up...hopefully it will give both of us a better idea of what to expect.
I think we'll play it by ear once LO is here...see how we're both doing and then call the family. Like a few of you ladies mentioned, I might feel dreadful, might feel great...no way to tell ahead of time. One concern I do have is that my MIL tends to...linger...for a long time...she likes to talk...about work, friends, everything, and recently added to that list is all of her advice about babies. I'm worried that when she does visit, she'll be there for the long haul and won't recognize when it's time leave us to ourselves for a little while. Maybe when we call, we'll tell her she can come visit for a little while, maybe say after a certain time, we're going to plan on resting, so that she'll have a time frame in mind from the beginning. But I'm still set on no visitors during labor or delievery, and I do plan to stand my ground on that.
Its just a little awkward to discuss with DH...I don't want to offend his family but I also don't want to be pullng my hair out, or snapping at people out of frustration, so I'd rather go in prepared, with established boundaries that are fair for the family and for us.
Thaks again!!
You definitely have to give in to the "after" but not the before and during. I had my mom and DH in the delivery room with me. They both knew that after DS was born we wanted some bonding time with him so we wouldn't have anyone else in the room for at least an hour or more. His parents did wait in the waiting room for a few hours until they were invited in which was fine with me.
Just remember how excited they are to meet your LO as well! Set some boundaries but don't cut them out completely as it is a once in a lifetime opportunity for all!
With my last pregnancy I did not want anyone in the room at all except DH. But during labor my mom and a very close friend (she is a nurse and like a second mom to me) both came and I was ok with that. I was in labor for a full 24 hours so having some extra company was not horrible.
Any time the doctor went to check me they (mom and friend) left the room. When it was time to push they also left so it could just be DH & I. They came and saw DD after she was born but it was only after I told the nurse to go get them.
I know not everyone gets lucky enough to have people respect your wishes and people get excited to be one of the first to see the baby but I would suggest keeping an open mind depending how your labor progresses on if you want visitors or not but I agree that when it some time to push no way in h311 is anyone there but DH
Honestly, I'm not sure I agree with this. While I do think it could be rude and hurtful to your DH and his family to not allow them in for the entire hospital stay, I know from experience that if you don't set clear boundaries people will show up uninvited and might stay as long as they like.
With my DD I didn't really think too much about it beforehand and assumed my ILs would wait a bit to come in. DD was born at midnight, we had about an hour or so as a family, thn I was transferred to a recovery room around 2am. My MIL, FIL, and SIL were all there in our faces, begging to pass the baby around immediately. They stayed about an hour and were 100% oblivious to the fact that I was in pain, exhausted, and just wanted to eat my dinner, snuggle my daughter, and try to get some freaking sleep. My mom finally got them to head out by saying she wanted to go home (she was with me during labor as I wished her to be) but I think they would've stayed a lot longer if she hadn't...or it would've gotten to the point where I started yelling at them to get out.
Obviously, your hospital's policy might not allow visitors past a certain hour, but I think it's worth looking into. And depending on how your labor goes you really might not be up to seeing anyone the first day and IMO that's perfectly acceptable. You just have to present it the right way. If they can't understand that you'd like a few hours to a day to recover a little from pushing a watermelon out of your vagina or had major surgery then that's really their issue. People just don't think about the mother most of the time and will trample all over her wishes/feelings just to see the baby. That's really not ok with me and this time I am not planning to have visitors in the hospital at all or at least until I know how I'm feeling.
I guess my feelings are pretty strong on this point having experienced a lot of stress from family members just barging in and think it's a bigger deal than some FTMs or even more laid back STMs. Ultimately you are the one going through all this and hopefully you can find a way to make everyone more or less happy with the timeline, but if you don't feel up to it I don't think you need to feel guilty about it at all. The trick is getting your H to fully understand how important and difficult of a time this will be for you.
Missed this before I posted. This sounds like a great idea.
Hopefully it goes smoothly!
Try to keep in mind that you can let your nurses know, too, that you don't want visitors to be allowed during specific hours or for more than a predetermined amount of time. They can do wonders with making people leave without you looking like the bad guy
Right ovary removed 09.04.2012 via vertical laparotomy
Essure implant placed on remaining tube 06.13.2013; successful followup scan 09.30.2013