Problem Looking at Pictures

EcoStreet

I had my daughter two months ago and she was stillborn at 36 weeks. She was beautiful, we named her Diana. It was heartbreaking to see this beautiful baby not being alive. We took pictures but I do have problem looking at those pictures....as these pictures show only a body and remind me of her death. When I look at them I get petrified and my heart gets so heavy. I prefer to look at the ultrasound pictures when she was still alive, because yes she was alive even for short period of time and she was with us, she was responding with her kicks , she was hearing our voices even being inside of my womb.

 My question is: Do you ladies have problem looking at the pictures of your death baby?

meli1025

I'm so sorry for the loss of your baby girl, Diana.  I have a memory box with pictures of Ava and I look through them often, but like you I also like to look at the ultra sound pics too from when she was alive.  For me, sometimes I just need to see her sweet face and have a good cry.  ((Hugs))

EcoStreet

Meli,

I?m sorry too for the loss of your little girl Ava!

 

The loss that we had itself is so big but we also have to suffer the loss of out joy. I?m not worried about myself, but I?m worried about my kids, age 4 and 2. Worried that they often see me sad. I know I have to be strong for them but I don?t feel anything close to my ?old? myself. Today, I brought them to the coffee shop that we often go and where they have kids toys. Santa was there- everybody was so happy and the only thing on my mind was ?my baby should have been here too, but instead she is dead?. I know that we will be always "loss mamas" but I hope time will ease the pain a bit so we can still function and be happy for/with our living kids.

...and back to the pictures. I?m thinking to have a picture or two enhanced, color change or simply converted to black and white. I do want them to look like they were taken when she was alive. Also, I do not know when it will be a good time to show them to my other kids. I think I will wait until they get older. My daughter is four and a half and she was asking where the baby is at the time when Diana was born but then she stopped asking. I just showed her the foot prints that I have.

meli1025

I know how you feel, I'm trying to make Christmas magical for my son but it is so hard.  For the longest time he saw me so sad that he used to tell people his toys were crying.  It's ok to be sad though, and one day when he is old enough to understand I will tell him everything.  I would definitely wait until your kids are a bit older to share the pictures and tell them what happened.  I know how hard this is, I wish I had more answers.  There are some good books out there and social workers who could be of help in advising on how best to explain to the little ones.  I'm here for you though if you ever need to talk or vent or cry,  all the ladies on this board are amazing.  Big hugs to you.   

starburst0928

I look at my son's professional pictures a lot (from Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep), but not the pictures we took on our camera.  I find it nice to look at his pictures and remember what he looked like.  

That being said, I also look at his ultrasound pictures a lot too.  We had 2 elective 3D ultrasounds, and we have tons of pictures and videos from them. Like you said, I like looking at those because he was still alive when they were taken, and since they were 3D (and included videos), I can see his little facial expressions and small movements.  

I think its normal not to want to always look at the pictures, but I wouldn't do anything drastic like delete them. 

lrichmond86

I'm so sorry for the loss of you sweet Diana.  Right after our loss, I also had a hard time looking at pictures of our son.  He was born at 31 weeks.  As time went on, the need to look at them grew and grew and I looked at them more and more often.  This lasted about six months.  After that the need to look at them has lessened and I look at them only occasionally.  We do have my favorite- a close up of his chubby little face- framed and hung with other family photos. It helps me to think when I look at him that although he was only here for a short time, the only feeling he ever felt was love.  I hope that with time you're able to look at your daughter and find peace there.  My thoughts and prayers for you tonight!

EcoStreet

Thank you so much Ladies! I?m glad I found you, it is so helpful to share feelings and thoughts with you. Meli, I noticed from previous posts that you are in NY. I?m in Beacon, NY. I have a support group at the hospital I delivered but I was wondering if there are meetings for ?loss mamas? or any support in NYC. Starburst, I love your picture. Your son looks so beautiful , ?beautiful? this is the way we should remember our children. It definitely make difference to have professional pictures done! Lrichmond, it was very helpful to hear about your experience with the pictures as you are further along in your journey. I often think of how my daughter would of looked like if she was with us, imagining her being alive. Which bring sadness too as she is not with us. There is a lady in my support group that had a loss 8 years ago. She shared with us that the first two years after her loss , thinking of her son was extremely sad experience but after that this changed. She starteed thinking only with love for him.

EcoStreet

sorry, I don?t know what happened with my paragraphs

jrebele

First, I am so sorry for your loss.  My husband and I have two different views.  I enjoy looking at the pictures of Sophia especially one we have with her twin sister where Eva's eyes are focused on Sophia as if she knows by instinct that her sister is near her.  My husband on the other hand finds it difficult to look at those and instead keeps one of her ultrasound pictures with him at all times.  I think we are all different in our grief and that it is ok that those pictures don't offer you comfort.  

thecuddleeffect

First, I am so sorry for the loss of your baby girl. 

As for the pictures I try to look at them everyday. Though it makes me sad I never want to forget what my little angels look like. DH is different tho, he doesn't look at them, it makes him far too upset.

calibride2005

Im sorry for your loss. I look at Athena's pictures all the time! While we were at the hospital, a photographer from Now I lay me down to sleep foundation came in and took tons of professional pictures for us. It makes me sad, but Im glad I have them.

fluttergirlmoonchild79

So sorry for the loss of your sweet Diana.  My situation was a bit different from yours.  My son became an angel when he was 36 days old (after being born 36 days early).  The hospital where he passed took pictures for us and said we could have them if we wanted them.  We never followed up with that.  We have tons of pictures from when he was with us.  My memory of him gone is forever engrained in my mind so we didn't feel we needed those pictures.  I can understand why it would be hard to see and why you chose the ultrasound pics instead.  I'm honored to be meeting you, just wish it was under better circumstances.  We're here for you to offer any support you may need.  Wishing you peace and love.

meli1025

EcoStreet:

Thank you so much Ladies! I?m glad I found you, it is so helpful to share feelings and thoughts with you. Meli, I noticed from previous posts that you are in NY. I?m in Beacon, NY. I have a support group at the hospital I delivered but I was wondering if there are meetings for ?loss mamas? or any support in NYC. Starburst, I love your picture. Your son looks so beautiful , ?beautiful? this is the way we should remember our children. It definitely make difference to have professional pictures done! Lrichmond, it was very helpful to hear about your experience with the pictures as you are further along in your journey. I often think of how my daughter would of looked like if she was with us, imagining her being alive. Which bring sadness too as she is not with us. There is a lady in my support group that had a loss 8 years ago. She shared with us that the first two years after her loss , thinking of her son was extremely sad experience but after that this changed. She starteed thinking only with love for him.

Good morning.  I actually live in NJ but not far from NYC.  I worked in the city for many years up until about a year ago.  I'm sure you can find loss groups there, I would start by calling some of the hospitals.  I need to start going to one myself, they have one at the hospital where Ava was born but dh and I just haven't been able to go yet.

 

jbranden12

I am so sorry for the loss of your Diana. After we lost our Patricia at 31 weeks, I looked at her pictures every day. It was like I had to remind myself that it really happened, that she was real and she is my baby. My mind was trying to tell me it was a horrible dream but I knew she was my beautiful, precious daughter. When I picture her in my head, I picture her around 2 or 3 years old and she looks just like I did at that age, so it's harder for me to see pictures of myself at that age than it is to see pictures of her at the hospital.

OSUWifey09

I'm so sorry for the loss of your precious Diana. I'm opposite - the ultrasound pictures break my heart, because it reminds me of what could've been. But Devon was so beautiful, so perfect, that I look at the pictures of him sleeping all the time. It reminds me that even though he isn't here, he was real, he will always be mine, and he's perfect. The pictures remind me that I did get to hold him, tell him I love him, spend those precious moments with him. I'll cherish those moments - and the pictures I have of him - forever.

EcoStreet

Thank to all of you ?loss mamas?! It is extremely helpful to hear about your experience.

 

Jbrannden, how did you lose your daughter? I lost my daughter to ?cord accident?.You were 31 weeks and I assume that something similar might of happened to you.

 

Meli, we have lived in NJ for few years, Cliffside Park, South Orange.

Heatherhah

I am so sorrey for the loss of your sweet daughter Diana! I only started having issues with pictures of her around the 10 month mark of her death. Now with it being well over a year I can't seem to look at her pictures without totally losing it. I hope to be able to look at them again since she is so important to me. I hope you find the strengh to look at her pictures soon. Hugs to you!!!

jbranden12

EcoStreet:

 

Jbrannden, how did you lose your daughter? I lost my daughter to ?cord accident?.You were 31 weeks and I assume that something similar might of happened to you.

Actually her death was unexplained. We consented to an autopsy but no cause could be found. It is difficult, especially as i get further in my rainbow pregnancy, but I am comforted knowing that there is nothing anyone could have done.