How do you find sexy?

spincat9

Let me explain... DH doesn't feel sexy right now.  We have been planning to start TTC so he had to go off his psoriasis meds a few months ago to prepare.  Since then he has been more and more removed as his condition got worse.  He has no libido, often sleeps on the couch, is not very affectionate, etc. all because he doesn't feel sexy when his psoriasis is bad.  Which I know is not about me, except that when someone pulls away it's easy to take it personally even when you know it's not about you.  So now neither of us feels sexy.  I don't feel desired, or desirable.

Yet tonight we have our smiley on a stick, so I'm supposed to feel sexy.  He just came downstairs and said "are you ready to be fertilized?".  I said "wow, can you come up with a better pickup line than that?  It would be nice to feel loved".   His response was that it is what it is and his lack of emotion is not about me.

So how do I channel sexy so I can get this done?  The sooner we get KTFU, the sooner he can get back on his meds and feel better, and the sooner I get my otherwise amazing loving DH back....

I just want to cry.  Don't be surprised if I DD this....I'm really private, and haven't admitted any of this to anyone.... Thanks for your understanding.

JulyMomma2U2

Awwww! Super big hugs to you and DH.. That's a tough one... After having DS, I've been very insecure about my body.. I know we do a lot with the lights completely off.. A few tea light candles.. And music.. Setting the ambiance helps me forget about my insecurities...

I do remember after my loss, I really wanted to get pregnant again.. There was a lot of pressure on DH and it was effecting his, ahem, performance.. Which then made me feel like he didn't want me.. We ended up talking it out, which is how I figured out it was the pressure of me wanting to get pregnant..

Regardless.. I hope you guys have a fun filled night!! 

adoxyinherear

I am so sorry you two are in such a rough spot! *hugs* It sounds like your DH maybe just needs a confidence boost. Would he respond well to something romantic that might make him feel more desirable? A bath with candles or a massage after your LO goes to bed? Maybe once he's "on" he'll do a better job of catering to you.

bmv1980

I wish I had some great advice for you...sexy is MIA around here too! My DH and I have really been trying to find balance since G arrived. Even though we already shared 2 kiddos, adding a baby sure mixed things up around here!

Talk to him, like it seems you have been. It's so hard to overcome our insecurities, but I have to remind myself that DH can't read my mind. And I need to try not to be biitchy when telling him how I feel because that usually ruins the mood ;]

GL, hope you get your BFP soon!

Izabella22

Yeah that's a tough one. We're low on sexy here too... we do everything w/ the lights off, I'm super insecure about my body postpartum so some things just are off limits for now. The candle idea sounds like a good one though, everyone looks better in candlelight. I'd just keep the lines of communication and give him lots of ego stroking... might not be a bad time for some lingerie?

Also I know my DH crumbled under pressure, so the minute he knew it was go time... things fizzled pretty fast. TTC is a stressful time on both parties. Hang in there and I hope you get your wish very soon so DH can go back to his usual self!

Scooby2358

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. We've had some similar issues in the past and it's really tough.

The one piece of advice I've hung onto from an awkward conversation with my therapist is: Fake it 'til you make it. It's not fair that you should have to make all the advances and get both of you in the mood, but if he's really not in a place where he can do it, it's up to you. It stinks, and I know I had a hard time for a while accepting that I'd have to take the initiative especially while feeling unwanted, but there needs to be some sexy energy added to the equation to get both of you through the rough spot. So, I'd break out the lingerie and the heels and the candles and really go all out, and even if you feel ridiculous (I sure did), act like you don't. Fake it. It might be enough to make him feel attractive, so he'll be more affectionate and you'll feel more desirable, etc.

Also - and I know nothing about psoriasis, so I'm just guessing here - is there any treatment he can use that's safe while TTC? It might make him feel a little better about himself if he's doing something. Even the placebo effect might help.

In any case, I hope you two get through this tough place really soon. You *will* get your loving DH back. Big ((hugs)) and good luck!

spincat9

I've said it before and I'll say it again, you gals are simply wonderful.

carrotsoup70

I have mild to moderate psoriasis. I went off my meds (topical only) before TTC. Can I assume that your DH is on systemic meds and that his is severe? Maybe there is some topical treatments that he could talk to his derm about that wouldn't be harmful? It wouldn't clear up the psoriasis like the systemic treatments do but it might help enough to make him feel better about himself. Hugs to you guys...I know dealing with psoriasis isn't any fun.