Last name question...LLOONNGG...

Eyre2

Background:

My XH and I split up after he became abusive. One month after I left him I discovered I was pregnant. I went thru with the divorce because I didnt want to raise my child in that environment. At first he was adament about being in the babys life. Then suddenly (about a month before the divorce was final) he changed his mind. I found out at our divorce hearing that was because his girlfriend was due 2 months after me. Nice huh? I didnt want him anywhere near my child so I was perfectly fine with his decision. My DS was born June 30 2006 with no father listed.

Fast forward 18 months...I started dating a wonderful man that I had dated back in high school. He and my son quickly formed a bond and it was obvious that they loved each other too. Within a few months Zac had started calling Brian Daddy. We were fine with that. And we have been ever since. We have been together for 5 years now and married for almost 3. We are having our first child (a girl) in March. My concern now is this: My son will have a different name from his sister, my husband and myself. As of right now his school has allowed us to hyphenate (sp?) his name. But we plan on doing a name change and moving forward with an adoption within a few months. BUT...when do we tell Zac that Brian is not his biological father? How do you tell a child that? At what age? We are so lost right now! Any input would be great! And if anyone has a question that wasnt answered in the above novel feel free to ask!!!

 

fellesferie

I think you need to sit down your kiddo and--using language he can understand--explain that YH isn't his biological father. He probably won't understand and won't care, but the longer you go without saying anything, the bigger This Thing becomes. 

If you tell him now, it'll be a concept you have to reinforce every now and then. Maybe talk to him about his biological dad, come up with things you liked/loved about the man. As he gets older, share your history and answer his questions in ways that are age appropriate.

Good luck.  

 

Littlejen22

Now. You tell him young so he does not feel lied too. I want to say you tell him from day one but better at 6 than at 18. You tell him that Brian is his Daddy and is legally become his Daddy but that Brian came into your life after he was born and not before he was born. You somehow explain that Brian did not get you PG with him like he did with the baby but that he chose to be his Daddy and how happy you are for that. And you never hid the truth from him going forward so this is just part of his story. BUT you make sure that Brian truly will love him as much as the baby and will still be his Daddy if you split up because I cannot imagine much hurting him more than if you go through with the adoption and he is not an equal father to both kids.

katie_cj

Do it now.

My mom married my dad when I was two.  He isn't my biological dad. I've always known this, but it's never been a big deal and it's always been common knowledge. 

There was never any big revelation or discussion.

ETA: My last name is hyphenated with his name and my mom's last name, mainly because my mom kept her maiden name. I have the same last name as my brother and my sister. (Technically my half siblings.)

Ginlyn0

My oldest sister faced a similar issue. The BD moved off to CA and never wanted to see my nephew again. He was not listed on the birth certificate and never saw him at all. When my nephew was 4, she married her current DH. After they had another DS, she decided she wanted to change my nephew's name. She told me she called BD and discussed that she wanted to do this and was he sure he never wanted to be a part of life. He said yes and that he was already remarried with other children and had never told his wife about their child and didn't want her finding out. So she had her DS's birth certificate amended to add her DH and no court order was needed since the BD was never listed so they only needed their marriage license and they were able to change my nephew's name at that time as well without a court order. My nephew was always told that he has a BD but that my sister's DH is his "real" father and he's nearly 21 now.

In general, I don't agree with name changes but I think in my sister's case it was for the best because he literally never met his father. My DD has her BD's name and to her it's no big deal because we don't make it a big deal. She's the only 1 out of the 7 of us that don't have the same last name and it has never impacted her because she knows she was given her BD's name.

twister22

You tell your son NOW. It is best if a child grows up knowing this, that way there is never a big revelation where your DS possibly gets furious with you two for having been lied to.

PP's gave great advice about sitting down with him and telling him in an age-appropriate way that Brian is not is BD, but he is is dad, and how it's so cool that he made the decision to be his dad because he loved him so much. Let DS know that Brian will be adopting DS, so he will be his dad and he will be on his BC just like Brian will be on his sister's BC.

Best of luck!