Sometimes it's just overwhelming... (vent, long)

jennyelf

BG: DH and I each work 10 miles from home. I'm north, he's south, so opposite directions. I can drive to work (30 minutes), he has to take public transit (1 hr each way). I have flexible hours, unlimited sick time, and a very understanding boss. He has set hours (8:30-4:30), measured sick time, and a boss somewhat stuck in the 60s (they wondered why I was returning to work after maternity leave). DC is about a mile from my office, open from 6:30am to 5:30pm, LO is there from 7:30 to 5:15. LO is 5.5 months old and is EBF.

 

So I'm responsible for daycare drop off and pick ups as it is closer to my work, and there is pretty much no way for DH to either drop off and get to work on time or be able to pick up on time. I'm also the primary contact for Daycare if something happens during the day and LO needs to be picked up early (ie gets sick or something).  Since I'm pumping during the day, I have to spend 9.5 hours at work to make sure I get all of my hours in. I wake up at 6am, leave the house at 7am. My morning routine is as streamlined as I can make it with breakfast, packing up bottles, lunch, nursing, and getting dressed. I get home at 6pm, nurse, eat dinner, play with LO, and LO starts bedtime at 8pm, asleep by 9 most of the time. I need to go to bed by 10 if I want to be alert the next day. LO STTN some times.

Yesterday was rough as I had to get LO out of DC, take him to the dr (he's fine, just has a bit of diaper rash that concerned the DCP), and then brought him back to DC as I still needed to get work done that day.  Didn't help that LO had an explosive diaper at the dr's office and since I don't normally do more than transport LO on weekdays, I didn't have a fully packed diaper bag w/ extra clothing on me (lesson learned). So I had to stop at home between dr office and bringing LO back to daycare. 

Husband is wonderful, does pretty much all chores around the house except for dinner and grocery shopping. I make all dinners on the weekends and we reheat during the week, and I grocery shop on the way home on Friday. 

I still feel overwhelmed and like I don't have any time to myself. I haven't been to the gym in ages. I miss biking to work. Thank goodness I'm BF'ing else I'd probably feel huge. I've got maybe one hour to myself (9pm-10pm) but that's normally spent prepping bottles, making sure that all my bags are packed for the next day, and trying to help my husband keep the house in some sort of order. Being the only person who does pick ups and drop offs means that my work hours are set by daycare hours and that when things go wrong during the day, I'm the one that has to deal as DH is 20 miles away and it takes 2 hours to get there via public transit (or 1.5 hours to get home, get the car and drive to DC). I don't resent DH for not being able to help out more on that front, but sometimes I get frustrated at the situation, which isn't fair to him either.

 

I know life changes with a kid, and I certainly love LO more than I thought possible. And most of the time it's not bad. LO is an easy, cheery baby. No colic, started STTN at 4.5 months, BF'ing has been going great. Really I should have no complaints. So I feel kinda guilty for even complaining at all. 

I guess I'm just looking for support or if anyone has any advice on how to make things feel better, I'd love to hear that too.

elampl

I  have a very similar situation to yours- Husband is wonderful, but circumstances make it so that I carry the major LO and household load.  It's not husband's fault, but I do end up getting some built in resentment at times.  The one thing we have instituted is that we try to schedule in some "me" time for each other, meaning we'll tell each other things we want to do for ourselves that week- I usually say I want to try to go running a few times a week and he usually wants to "work" out in the garage and we build that into the week's schedule.  For example tonight he'll be home at a decent time so after dinner, he'll play with LO while I go for a half an hour run.  LO likes the time and it greatly reduces my stress and feeling that I have no "me" time.   

cedenton

Would a nanny be a possibility for you?  That way you wouldn't have to worry about pick ups and drop offs.  

ASmallWonder

I don't have any advice but I just wanted to say that I understand how you feel because we have a similar set up.  DH has to leave for the train by 6:45am and the very earliest he's ever home is about 6:30pm and truthfully, that just never happens.  It's tough.

brewcitybride

You need to back that bedtime way back - my DS is in bed by 6:30-7, DD is in bed by 7:30. Then I have a few hours to myself. It helps a ton. I would never feel sane if I had kids up in my business until 9 every night!!!

Wannalitter

I agree with PPthe about scheduling ahead of time. We've been in the same boat and talking about our plans ahead of time really helps. Even if its "I want 10the minutes tonight to file my nails." Sometimes the time just isn't there and we have to suck it up but if we try to let each other have that time. I also fit in "me" time at work. I use a hands free pumping bra so i can bump while i pump or get bills paid to give myself a few more minutes in the evening. Eat while you pump so you can spend lunch running errands or going for a walk. Also, if youve got the money, pay somebody else to do something. Fastfood, cleaning service, paper plates for a week, order non perishables from amazon prime is worth the money, lawn service, etc.

jf198400

I understand how you feel.  My DH has an insane commute and is gone approx 6am-8pm every day.  It's really hard to find time for yourself when you have to manage all the childcare and house stuff on your own.  Is there anything your DH could help with in the evening- baby's bath, packing the bottles, doing the dishes, etc.?  My DH gets home late, but he will do the dinner dishes, takes turns making lunches, will put DD to bed while I put DS to bed. 

The one thing I keep reminding myself is that it will be easier once I'm done nursing.  Then you can take turns putting LO to bed, and have nights where you get more time to yourself.  Also you get all that time back that's currently devoted to pumping, nursing, making bottles, washing pump parts, etc.

jnealet

Sometimes you just have to make time for yourself, leave the baby with DH and go to the gym or go to Starbucks for a coffee.  Its tough but you have to do it for your sanity.   I have a hard time doing it myself but when I do, I feel so much better.

Also, I'm kind of resigned to giving up "me" until I'm done bf-ing.  I will get myself back after we wean, I know I will but its been tough.  I'm in the home stretch and I know I'll make it but there has been more than one day when I was 99.9% sure that I wasn't going to make it.

KJKNAJ

First things first - give yourself a pat on the back! It is REALLY hard to give all you can to your job AND be a mother. And, on top of that, your DC is very young. It will get much easier as the baby gets older. I mean, it's still hard to carve out time for yourself, and you will always feel pulled in all directions, but much easier. Hang in there! I think we all have moments we need to vent that it's overwhelming.

jlsimon56

I agree with PPs that it gets SO much easier once they are on solids and you don't have so much pressure on yourself to be LO's only provider of food.

jennyelf

Thanks for all the support. Really needed to vent and just get that all out. I did take some of the advice and just go out with some friends to a bar for trivia last night after I did LO's bedtime nursing. I went out and DH put LO to bed. It was nice to get out and have some me time. I feel a lot better today than I did a few days ago.

 
To answer a few posts:
Nanny isn't really an option as it would be far more expensive than daycare is.

Bedtime for LO at 8 works for us, else I would get home and put LO to bed and basically never get to play with him. 8pm bedtime means I at least get 45 minutes of quality time with LO after dinner to cuddle, play, etc. 

DH does bottles on nights when I put LO to bed (we trade off who does diapers and story after nursing). He also does most of dinner clean up while I'm nursing before bed and preps a lot of dinner while I'm nursing before dinner.

DH also encourages me to just go out for a bike ride on weekends when the weather is nice. He loves spending time with LO. He really does try to take as much of the burden off of me since he knows I carry a lot due to nursing and being the primary daycare pickup/dropoff. I can't complain that he's not doing enough as he really does do almost everything else around the house not related to food including laundry, dishes, cleaning, soothing LO if he wakes in the middle of the night, half of LO's baths, putting LO to bed half of the nights, and about 90% of the diapers.

I know it will get a lot better in a year when I will no longer need to pump at work and I will be able to bike to work (with LO in tow) again. Hey, halfway there nearly!