Those who dealt with infertility...

Allie-Jo

I'll admit, I was very open with my family and friends with our IF struggles, and I loved that I was able to have their support during such a tough time, even when it meant every once in a while dealing with stupid comments.  So naturally, I was pretty open when we decided we would start the process for adoption, and the support has been overwhelming.  As expected though, I still have a few people that offer words that make me kind of frustrated.  I know I have been dealing with this for years now, but for some reason, it feels different now.

I can not tell you how many times I have been told about a sister-in-law's cousin's best-friend's daughter who wound up adopting and then BAM!  2 months later found out they were pregnant!  YEY!!!...for them.  The thing is, deciding to close they door on treatments was actually really hard on me.  I want to be a mother so bad, not just for a little baby, not just to raise a child, but I wanted the pregnancy experience too.  Bonding with my child and loving them before I ever saw them, being able to BF and compare who he looks like, that was something I had to close the door on and come to accept that it MAY never happen.  People saying all the time how they just KNOW it will happen to me secretly makes me a little stabby.  It feels like they are bringing up all those emotions again, and I hate it.  This is probably been the one thing I have not been very open about during this whole journey, partially because I have no idea what to say. 

Any of you ladies who have maybe been dealing with this longer, what do/did you say when you received these comments?  Sorry for the novel...I can get long winded sometimes.

lafayettegirl

First - I'm sorry you are going through this. But it is part of the journey for those of us who had to deal with IF.

Second, as hard as it is, remember they are trying to be helpful and hopeful with their comments.

Third, my response is usually something along the lines of, "Thank you, but you should be aware that only about 5-10% of people who have struggled with infertility and then go on to adopt get pregnant. While I appreciate your support, I would really just be happy to hear that you support our decision to adopt. We believe that our children will come to us that way and we are excited about the process."

That may seem harsh, but I am totally over hearing that X knew Y, whose sister's husband's cousin's friend got pregnant that way.  Besides, if these people are in your support group, family, or are just friends, they need to (a) understand those statements are not helpful to you, (b) those statements can be hurtful for you to hear, and (c) need to be educated about how often that kind of thing truly happens.

MagickalNarwhal

I had people say that to me too...AND WE'RE GAY! I was never able to process quickly enough to respond, but I have followed up with people later and told them that it's a little disrespectful to whatever child we end up adopting - it puts them in this sort of "consolation prize" role and carries the assumption that we REALLY want to birth  a baby and are only adopting because we have no other choice.

Of course, there is a way that is true for many, so I can totally get how it stings. The grief around IF and the path of adoption are only slightly related for me, and adoption doesn't cure IF. Being an adoptive parent I have felt that those feelings are not what I want to share with the world at large though. I want to be an educator and an advocate for adoption issues, and I want to be positive when I speak about it to people who come to me with serious misinformation or bad assumptions.

In my experience, dumb/misguided/ignorant/hurtful comments from people, even people I love and trust and respect, are sort of part of the adoption experience, and I'm OK with that. Doesn't mean I like it, and when I have the time/energy.desire I do try and have a meaningful, educational coversation.

Also, I'm sorry for the sting Even though I am totally thrilled to be parenting the kid that came to us through adoption, and I have worked through my feelings of loss around IF, there are still lingering things that come up. Like I tried for 4 months to induce lactation for my son with ZERO success, and throwing in the towel on that re-ignited all the "oh hey body thanks for failing me again!" feelings. They are just a lot less "loud" these days.

kimmyb1020

I am with you sister! I have heard that a few times now and we are very early in our adoption journey and haven't even told that many people. The worst (not really worst but you know what I mean) part is that DH's cousins adopted after trying for 3 years and then got pregnant. So it's not even a sister's cousin's best friend's plumber situation, its close family that they can point to and say see it will happen. 

 I've tried to make it clear that we are closing the door on that journey and if it happens it would have to be a miracle because we are stopping all the steps that go along with it. We are excited about our new journey and want to focus on that. 

You will always get the yahoos that don't know the right and wrong things to say though, but hopefully we can all take a deep breath and either try to find the right thing to say back or close our eyes and picture slapping them silly in our minds  

jillianmb

People have said that to me a lot, but that is actually our hope as we did not go through with infertility treatments but plan to try them after our adoption. 

I did not read the other responses, but if you want to keep it short and sweet just say, "Maybe" or "yea I've heard that before" in a flat voice and people generally get the hint.  Otherwise you can say, "It seems everyone has a story like that, but that is not a hope we are clinging to.  We are just really excited to move forward with this adoption!"

 

Tiffany946

My answer to that all the time is "if it happens, that's great and if it doesn't happen, that's ok too."  I acknowledge that a lot of women become pregnant after they adopt, and that's a beautiful thing, it doesn't happen to everyone. 

I also explain that I've had 5 miscarriages, so getting pregnant is easy for me, it's keeping a pregnancy, which they account to chromosomes defects.  So, if I do become pregnant it's not becuase I've "relaxed" or anything stupid like that, I really like to put that to rest right away.  It's because it was God's perfect timing, and we were supposed to adopt THIS baby and parent THIS baby before we have another one.  

 

It's hard and it sucks to go through any of this.  Take this opportunity to educate those around you! 

Julie721

I hear you. I never did and never will understand why the standard response to "we are adopting!" is "now you will get pregnant!"

I didn't grieve the pregnancy part much, but it still rubbed me the wrong way when people said that. My goal was (and is) to respond in a way that makes them think twice about saying it next time. I am not super emotional, but the next prospective adoptive parent they say that to may be going through a rough time and REALLY need to not hear that. My response was typically a combination of citing the stats that a PP quoted above, plus saying something like "I hear that a lot, and it makes me wonder why people don't just say 'congratulations' instead." That typically makes people either clam up, but if they ask why it bothers me, I would always explain that it made our to-be-adopted child look like a second-best option and also a means to get a biological child, both of which are crazy. 

On a positive note, people stopped saying that kind of thing as soon as we adopted DS.  I hope it is the same for you.

cogbot

I usually shrug off the comment.  I think my reaction shows I'm not interested and that the comments are inappropriate.    

JellyTwoPointO

I think I've heard this same thing from almost every single person I've told about our adoption process.  Not kidding.  DH has had people say the same thing.  I think I've heard it literally over 20 times now? Even our foster care caseworker said it to me!  I just not and smile and move on in the conversation, I don't actually address it...

sgb721

We've been dealing with similar 'well intentioned sayings'. They don't understand there are different kinds of infertility. I'm sorry.

Dr.Loretta

My ob/gyn told me I'd be pregnant soon, because "I see it happen all the time". After saying, "I'll choke the next person who says that", I said of course he saw it all the time. He wasn't going to see the non-pregnant adopters "all the time".

erinmc1

Dr.Loretta:

My ob/gyn told me I'd be pregnant soon, because "I see it happen all the time". After saying, "I'll choke the next person who says that", I said of course he saw it all the time. He wasn't going to see the non-pregnant adopters "all the time".

 This is great!  Thank you Dr. Obvious.

We got that A LOT when we first started telling people we were adopting, but we changed gears from IF treatment pretty quickly to pursue adoption instead.  I really believe a lot of people thought we were being impatient and jumping the gun, and there was still a chance for us.  I've since needed a hysterectomy, and I'm just waiting for someone to say it to me again, since it would technically be a miracle now, instead of our previous, highly unlikely .5% chance of a pregnancy scenario.     

I reiterate that people really don't know how to respond.  Even my own parents said that they had a hard time knowing how to react to the news, because adoption is such a process and most people don't know the first thing about how it works.  I believe most people think congratulating someone for starting the adoption process, when there isn't a tangible baby or match to make it all real, seems kind of like congratulating a couple for baby dancing before the pregnancy.  It's not ill-intentioned, but I remember well how much it hurts.

[Deleted User]

The user and all related content has been deleted.

Junebride007

I have gone through so many different reactions to people and IF comments. One that I have stayed with the longest and to me has been the healthiest is to be open and honest but respectful. I had a friend one time that compared infertility with a secret club that no-one wanted to join but anyone outside is unable to understand. Since we are doing foster care and putting our treatments on hold no-one really knows what to say to us. I am seriously debating putting a FAQs post on our Facebook page. We haven't told everyone yet for that reason. I did this with IF during infertility awareness month and actually had someone I hadn't seen in ten years post me about how it helped her know what to say to a close friend that was dealing with this. A lot of times people just don't know what to say and end up accidentally saying something ignorant and hurtful. 

kgs0505

Ugh!  I hate that statement with a passion!  The worst part is for me, is that everyone in my family goes "look at your aunt Barbara"!  It did happen to her (adopted and promply got KU!  So it's a close relationship. 

Of course, now that I'm pregnant, which I didn't expect, since we used up our frozen embryos from 3 years ago, and nothing ever worked before, I'm getting, "see? you just needed to relax!"  I just want to strangle them all.  If I was so relaxed why did I need a FET to get KU?  I just tell everyone right away that it was fertility treatments if they know I have been struggling.  I am confident that we never would have gotten pg on our own.

I'm sorry, people mean well, but they have no idea how offensive it is to say that, like your adopted child is a consolation prize.  My adopted child is my first child and I couldn't love him more if he had come out of my own body.  He is mine and not a consolation prize that I'm going to put up on the shelf because now I'm having my "real" kids.

Good luck, try to let it roll if you can, or just say, "that only happens 5% of the time, you just think it happens all the time because those are the stories people tell.  No one tells the stories where all the kids are adopted."

OKitty

I like to remind people that adoption is not a fertility treatment. That usually gets their attention.