How to cope?

jrebele

My husband and I have been together for 10 years and have dreamed of beginning a family together.  Last year I was diagnosed with PCOS and began fertility treatments and after 4 rounds of various treatments and a miscarriage at 6 weeks we found out that we were expecting twins.  My pregnancy was problem free for 36 weeks when I went to the doctor because I noticed a decrease in movement.  Our doctor did an ultrasound and told us that our youngest daughter Sophia no longer had a heartbeat.  They had me deliver Eva and Sophia that day.  It has been four weeks and my husband and I are struggling for answers.  We can't understand why this has happened and how to cope with our loss.  We want to fully enjoy our time as new parents to Eva but each new milestone reminds us that Sophia is not here to experience it and never will.  Does it ever get easier??

mcarter127

I am so sorry for the loss of your baby girl, Sophia. I am still very new to this board, we lost our son, Eli, on 9/24. He passed away about an hour after he was born.
I cannot imagine how torn you feel between happiness over your surviving daughter while grieving for Sophia. I think I've seen other moms in here with a similar story, hopefully they'll be able to offer you some support as well.
I do have an older son, he's almost 3. It has been extremely challenging trying to parent him through my grief helping him manage all of his emotions as well. It is hard enough to just get up in the morning, let alone take care of someone else so I can relate on that level.
Unfortunately, oftentimes there are no real answers in these situations. I know we are still waiting on results to come back and Im sure you're in a similar holding pattern. It's so upsetting to think our children have been taken from us and we may never know why. I know I have been obsessively researching anything I can about our situation to try to figure it out. I was an OB nurse before I had DS1 and I've counseled many patients who have lost babies. Even though I know many times there are no real concrete answers it's just not acceptable for me!!!
The women here are amazing and have been a great support the past few wks. Even just going back thru and reading posts has been helpful. Be kind to yourself just take it one moment at a time. I've found that having a surviving child means that people will constantly tell you that you're "lucky" to have the one or that you should be "grateful" for them. I'll tell you right now that grieving your loss does not change anything about the love you have for Eva. You love BOTH of your children people say really stupid things!!! Hugs!

fluttergirlmoonchild79

I'm so sorry you don't have your Sophia with you.  I can't relate to your pain from the having another child standpoint as Corbin was our first but I can imagine it's difficult.  I think milestones are difficult no matter what.  I'm closing in on 1 year and I can't help but think "Corbin should be doing _____" or "Corbin would be _____" or how there's certain things we wouldn't be doing or wouldn't have done because we'd have a little one.  Time has helped me learn to cope and how to incorporate my grief into my daily life.  We're hoping to make Corbin a big brother soon and we decided a long time ago that Corbin's little brother or sister will know all about their big brother.  He will forever have a room in our home and a stocking on the mantle.

The first few weeks and months are extremely difficult.  Be gentle on yourselves and each other.  Feel what you feel, don't try to analyze it.  The women one this board are amazing and we're all here to support you in anyway you may need (cry, vent, etc.).  It's so nice to have a place you can go where people "get it".  I know there are at least a few mommies here who lost a multiple and I'm sure they will reach out to you as well.

Wishing you peace and love. 

karebear57

((hugs)) I am so sorry for the loss of your baby girl, Sophia. I can only imagine how difficult it must be to see Eva reach the same milestones Sophia should be reaching also. I don't think it gets easier, just you learn how to live your new life. We are all here for you whenever you need. The board is so full of wonderful, caring women who have helped me so much. Again, I'm so sorry about Sophia. ((hugs))

jbranden12

I am so very sorry for the loss of your Sophia. We lost our first daughter Patricia in March of this year and we have not been able to get any answers. We will never understand the why. To answer your question, I would not ever say that it gets easier, but as time passes, I have been able to experience joy again. Some days are tough, just as tough as the days after she was born, but those days are fewer and further between than they were at the beginning. We are here for you as you learn to live in this new reality.