Am I Being Selfish? Updated!

s0ulchicken

My MIL brought up Christmas plans last night, and now I am the daughter in law from hell.

DH and I always split Christmas between our families. We spend Christmas eve with my parents and brothers, and Christmas Day with DHs parents, brothers, aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, etc. I have never really been crazy about this "tradition", but I suck it up for DHs sake. He doesn't love making ds and dd leave the house Christmas morning either, but truth be told, his mom is a little scary...

Add to it, my parents live 30 minutes away from us, and 15 mins from our hospital. DHs parents are very close by also, but their family celebration is at his grandfathers house, two hours away from our home, and about 2.5 hours from our hospital.

Well this year, my Doctor has my csection on the books for Dec 27, assuming I make it that far. I am not comfortable committing to DHs family gathering, and told MIL last night that we would love to have them over to our house for Christmas breakfast, but that we wouldn't be trekking two hours on Christmas this year. She responded with something snide about how hopefully I will have had the babies by then, because I will have to drop the princess act. I told her hopefully I wouldn't, because that we make them preemies, and they definitley wouldn't be attending.

Now, she is calling DH and leaving messages about how he needs to remind "his wife" of the importance of family traditions, blah blah blah. Little does she yet know, this is his preference as well.

What does pgal think? Am I being selfish? Do I cave in and go anyway?

Update: DH called his mom when he got home this afternoon and told her that the decision has been made, and he didn't appreciate her trying to bully his pregnant wife. He told her we would be at home on Christmas from now on, and that he hopes she will join us for breakfast. She whined for a bit, and then asked if she could bring anything for breakfast. Pretttty sure hell just froze over!!
Eta: sorry so long!

delino

Wow! If my MIL did that she wouldn't see her grandchildren for a veeeeery long time just to teach her a lesson. She sounds like quite the peach.

[Deleted User]

You are definitely NOT being selfish...your MIL on the other hand is being ridiculous! Why would anyone who is 9 months pregnant want to travel two hours anyway? Chances are, your doc won't want you to travel that far when you are that pregnant anyway, so it's kind of a moot point if that's the case.

I had to deal with something similar recently. My ILs decided to travel to Arkansas to visit family the week of my due date. My MIL insisted we "needed to go" to see the family, and that I was just making a big deal out of nothing when I told her my doctor would definitely not let me travel the week of my due date. Needless to say, DH and I did not go, lol. 

Stick to your guns, you are in the right here!

Allie-Jo

I'm not PGAL but I do lurk a lot, and so I am butting in...

IS YOUR MIL SMOKING CRACK???  You are growing twins, puts you at risk of going into early labor anyways.  I have a pg friend of mine who is only pg with a singleton that lives only 3 hours away and her dr told her NO after she hit 34 weeks. 

And as far as traditions go, I remember about the time I was 7 and my younger sister was 6 and my little brother was born, that was the last Christmas we did at Grandma and Grandpa's, and then we just did Christmas at home.  Who ever wanted to visit could, otherwise presents were sent by FedEx to everyone, and we were much happier at home then in a car driving for hours in a blizzard more times then not (seriously, who thought of family get togethers during the winter??? They were nuts).  Your family is established enough that you can start making your own traditions, and seeing as what you have for alternatives, I would probably take this oppurtunity to jump on that.

bumpuser2669861

No.  She is being very unreasonable and unflexible.  You offered a viable alternative that obviously wasn't good enough for her.  What does DH have to say about all this?  Why would she want to risk the well-being of her grandchildren just to uphold some tradition?

zombiemommy

Wow. As a MoM and a Pgal girl, I am livid FOR you. People don't get the whole twin thing at all. I don't want to go anywhere more than an hour away from our hospital right now, and I certainly wouldn't want to travel 2.5 hours with two one week olds should your babies come early. The precarious nature of your due date with a multiples pregnancy makes it impossible to do things like most people do, and you owe it to your LOs to be extra cautious.

There is no way that you should go and there's also no way that you should feel bad about it at all. The fact that she suggested you're being a princess is ridiculous, but then again, a number of people have suggested that I'm hamming it up during this pregnancy. Some people seem to not understand that carrying around four arms, four legs, two heads, and double the human is incredibly miraculous and beautiful, and also incredibly difficult. I've accepted that people don't get it, but holy crap...they should keep their skepticism to themselves. Especially your MIL who is supposed to love and support you.

Lol. And you thought your original post was long. Sorry to go on and on. Short version: you have nothing to feel bad about, and she needs to be flexible. She is not pregnant and you are. She won't have to worry about breast feeding twins on a 2.5 hour car trip one way and then home while also dealing with other children. It's one year and she can woman up about it.

s0ulchicken

Thanks ladies! I usually don't pay too much attention to her hysterics, but she really hit a nerve last night. As far as the princess act? Bish please, I AM a princess!! :

zombiemommy

s0ulchicken:

Thanks ladies! I usually don't pay too much attention to her hysterics, but she really hit a nerve last night. As far as the princess act? Bish please, I AM a princess!! :

Lol! Of course you are! You're a double child making miracle machine and you deserve her worship! lol. Damn right.

ConnieRob

You are not being selfish at all. Do not cave and go anyway. You gave them an acceptable option if they want to see your family Christmas morning. They can do that or not see you at all.

When I was PG with DS1, my parents lived about 2 1/2 hours away. My Dr told me that I should not drive to visit them after about 35 weeks just because he didn't want me so far away in case I went into labor early. Sometimes labor comes on so quickly you wouldn't have time to drive back to your hospital/Dr.

Allycat11

You are not being selfish at all.  There is no way I would be attending if I were you.  I will be 37 weeks at Christmas and typically we drive back and forth across the state over the course of a couple days with the furthest destination being roughly 4 hours from the hospital.  This year I have said that we will be staying home and anyone who would like to see us is more than welcome at our house.Technically we will go to DH's parents house at some point but that is only a mile from our house.  

jbranden12

Wow! Stick with your plan. I would NOT drive 2.5 hours away from my hospital that close to go-time. I hope she will listen to your DH when he explains both of your reasoning!

Off to be thankful I have a lovely MIL (who also happens to live 5,000 miles away) 

Ktrue85

Wow!  I am so sorry you MIL is being a total snot.  I can't believe that she told you to "drop the princess act" when all you want is for safe, healthy babies and a stress free Christmas.  How dare she.  If it were my MIL I'd make sure to let her know how selfish it is of HER not to make the trek to your house for breakfast.  At least you had come up with a solution.  She seems very pigheaded about all this, and shame on her for being so.

Bottom line, you and your babies come first.  If she has a problem with you decision, then it is just that: Her problem.  You might even kindly remind her of the importance of BRINGING family into this world, as opposed to "traditions".

Big ((hugs)) to you!

kpowers982

Nope.  Not selfish.  And the fact that she told you to drop the princess act makes me want to clock her.

GaiaEarthMom12

Oh my god, how insensitive! I can't believe she'd say that! Would she expect you to be there if you were in labor on Christmas Day? Yes, family traditions are important, but your health and the health of the babies is the most important thing! Sometimes you need to have new traditions, and hopefully she can learn to understand that.

I don't think you are being selfish or unreasonable at all, you are trying to compromise...

GaiaEarthMom12

zombiemommy:

Lol! Of course you are! You're a double child making miracle machine and you deserve her worship! lol. Damn right.

This is awesome

luvsdogs2

Wow.  Who's the princess here?  Sounds like she has major control issues.  Your DH needs to call her back, set her a$s straight, and tell her that she owes you a major apology, or they won't even be welcome for Christmas breakfast.   

Or spit in her food when they come over. 

FreyaWin2382

You aren't being selfish; she is.

You need to have your DH have a chat with "his mother" about how to treat "his wife".

So sorry you are having to deal with that. I am sure you are handling it with more grace and kindness then I would have. 

Chocodoxies

My DD was born one week before Thanksgiving '07, and she was really small (5lbs 7oz) so we were not planning on attending the HUGE family gathering on DH's side (40+ people). My MIL was REALLY upset with DH, because HE would not be attending. She felt that he should be there for his family. He informed her that he WAS being there for his family... the one that he had created himself and the one that came before all the others. He did not attend and she eventually realized that any form of "bullying" was not gonna fly with this little pod of the family. I say stick to your guns and she will just have to adjust to the fact that your little pod is now growing and her wishes do not come first any longer. She will get it, though it may take her a bit longer.

As for her snarky comments, I would let my husband know that if he doesn't take care of that crap ASAP then I WILL and it won't be nearly as nice coming from my pregnant intolerant ass. 

Gregermis

Uh NO!  You are not being selfish.  Your MIL is!!  Don't put up with that!  You get THIS year to take care of you and your family and do what's best for them.  It's not like you said no to christmas at all or your trying to change the tradition in future years.  Eesh!

amidkiff

WOW, what a c u next tuesday. No you are not being selfish. I'm due 1/7 and if I go early I'm not doing family functions either. It's one year...everyone will get over it. 

IEtoLA

luvsdogs2:

Wow. nbsp;Who's the princess here? nbsp;Sounds like she has major control issues. nbsp;Your DH needs to call her back, set her as straight, and tell her that she owes you a major apology, or they won't even be welcome for Christmas breakfast. nbsp;nbsp;Or spit in her food when they come over.nbsp;

. Aside from the spitting in the food, I agree with with! You are not beig selfish. you are taking care of your family and if this is also what your DH wants, he needs to speak up.

rsolsem

Umm...your MIL is CRAZY. Stick to your guns, you are right on!

LeggyNic

You're being totally reasonable.  Do not cave. You've offered a reasonable alternative. DH needs to stand up and state that this is what your family will be doing. 

SIL pulled a true princess act on us when I was pregnant with DD2.  She wanted to go "somewhere warm" for Christmas but didn't want to pay herself and knew IL's wouldn't travel if we didn't.  DH told her to have fun but we were staying put.  DD2 was born Jan.11.

weddedwife

NOT AT ALL. Your MIL is being selfish and assuming the world rotates around her.

Yes, your H does need to honor family traditions but she's got it all wrong...he has his OWN family now and that is the family he needs to honor. So you can pass on the GTG every year if you want to create something new and there's nothing MIL can do about it, and there's nothing wrong with that.

Sounds like a perfect way for her to force herself out of your kids' lives. I wouldn't put up with that crap. Absolutely DO NOT cave because then she thinks she wins.

And your H needs to put her in her place with those messages, BTW.

GraceInCA

I went through something similar, many years ago though. It was DS's first Christmas, and we decided we wanted to have it at home. That decision did not go over well with the in-laws or my parents. DH and I were a united front (this part is verrrry, very important), and we backed up eachother 100%. Now, both sides of the family know that we spend Christmas morning in our home. We will entertain guests (within reason), and even visit others on the days before and after, but that morning, we aren't going anywhere.

The key to this is to have your husband back you up, and be very firm with his mother. Also, her words to you were disrespectful. I speak from experience and seeing how my sister-in-law still gets treated that if you don't stand up for yourself now, it only gets worse. You don't need to start World War 3, but you need to be firm and set boundaries.

Good luck. Take care of yourself and do whatever is best for you and your little ones.

Atleighdan

I do not think you are being selfish in the least. That is a long way to be from your hospital so late in the pregnancy. I am glad DH is on your side, at least.

ReeceFamily

nola78:

You are absolutely NOT being selfish.  Your MIL is being selfish.  And crazy.  A princess act?  For not wanting to drive >2 hours 2 days before your scheduled section??? WTF is wrong with her!?!?!

I'm so sorry that you have to deal with that.  I'm honestly a little speechless over here.  She sounds like a real peach.

(((hugs))) 

This. She sounds like a piece of work...I'd be PISSED.  Tell her your doctor has recommended that you not be more than 30 minutes away from the hospital as you near your due date.  I have had friends doctor's tell them this in the past.

Mrs.DeliaMarieP

I am also having my csection on  Dec. 27th.  I am right with you, I would not drive 2 hours from home on Christmas, and there is no reason your in-laws shouldn't understand this.  As it is, my family is an hour away from my house/hospital and that is my limit.  As of right now I am still planning to go, but if I don't, my family can either come to me, or we will just be absent this year, and they will have to deal.  You are not being selfish.

Shaungela

Not at all, shes the selfish one!!!

MrsRiceARoni

I don't think you are at all being selfish, and I have to say your MIL sounds an aweful lot like my MIL. We live in a different state from our families now and I was excited for our first Christmas when we moved here to be at home together since MIL has always been quite controlling of holidays since we first started dating. When she found out we weren't coming out for Chirstmas she decided they were going to come out and spend it at our house. It was more of a "we are coming" than asking if they could I was quite annoyed. This year we clearly wont be driving the 6 hours out there 2 weeks before my due date and I already informed mh that No One will be coming to our house for Christmas including my mom. He looked a little dissapointed (or perhaps it was a look of fear of the idea of telling his mom that when she announces they want to come out again). But I figure if at that point I haven't had this little girl yet I could easily go into labor while they are here, or at the very least I will be quite uncomfortable and not wanting to entertain anyone at that point. I say stick to your guns and tell her to get over it, there will be plenty of holidays to come and your adults she doesn't get to decide what your family does.

nanabanana06

I don't think you are being selfish at all! You will hopefully be having babies in 2 days pr have very little preemie newborns! Your MIL is being a brat.

I kind of feel your pain though. My due date is the 27th and even if the baby does come before then, I don't want to fight with DH to trek out to my Grandma's house nearly an hour away. You just gotta stick with your guns and tell them all to suck it!

MJM3108

Wow... Your MIL is a real piece of work! You are totally NOT being selfish, she is. Not only would I not *want* to travel 2.5 hours 2 days before a scheduled c-section, I would think that if you asked your dr about that kind of travel that close to your EDD, his/her answer would be a resounding "NO!"

Thank goodness DH is on your side, hopefully he can put his mother in her place. Maybe Santa will bring her some manners for Christmas!

Cherry1111

She is being ridiculous. Your DH needs to remind "his mom" that the world doesn't revolve around her anymore.

I would definitely not go anyway, but even moreso once she started calling me a princess.

4legsRbest

I think it is time for a new tradition - one that leaves you and your family at home on Christmas sounds like a win to me. Your MIL is effing ridiculous and she sounds controlling.

Our "new tradition" starts this year once the muppet is born. DH and I will no longer leave our house on Christmas day. End of story.

 

ETA: Yeah for your DH!! I am so glad he got that worked out for you!

rkrichey

Wow...just wow.  I can't believe your MIL acted like that!  If mine ever told me to "drop the princess act", that would be about the last time we saw them.  I'm glad your DH let her know that it was his decision as well and that you will all be home on Christmas from now on.  Sounds like she needs to grow up a little bit and realize that things are changing and arent' going to be the same as they were forever.  There is only so long that traditions can continue like that before new traditions have to be made.  Good for you for standing your ground!!

frogs007

You are not being selfish! I can't imagine why she thinks it's okay for you to travel two hours away pregnant with TWINS. Besides being dangerous that would be super un-comfortable. I also can't believe that your MIL said that to you. . . dumb.

orangegoggles

Wow, that is crazy. She really has no idea....so rude!

I saw your update, good for your DH! Glad he stood up to her and put her in her place. I think your invitation to come over for breakfast was more than reasonable.

mork

s0ulchicken:

She responded with something snide about how hopefully I will have had the babies by then, because I will have to drop the princess act.

????  I'd have some serious words to to share with her.

Glad your DH stood up to her. 

Rosebean

If I were you, I would start mentally preparing myself for her snide, sneaky, rude comments about this change in tradition when she is over at your house for breakfast on Christmas Day. She is going to want to get the last word on this, make no doubt about that. And what better way to do it than to say little things like, "well if we were at home I would have done it like this..." Or "this just isn't the same" or "you are still pregnant so I don't see what all the fuss was about". Mind you, my mother isn't this snarky, but she always likes to get that last word in, even if it comes in the form of a passive aggressive text/email. Your MIL sounds like a control freak and I wouldn't doubt it if she targets you again in other ways. It makes her feel secure.  

Chocodoxies

For the update:

WOOHOO!!!!!! On behalf of all women dealing with the crappy IL relationships I would like to hand your husband a frothy, cold beer, and pat on the back. It's nice when hell freezes over isn't it! 

StephRN23

Go DH! Glad everything got worked out!