***Loss Check-In***

Mrs Nice

Hello Ladies,Welcome to our Thursday Check-In!I am sorry to have to welcome new loss moms this week but am so glad that you have found us. I hope we can bring each other some much needed comfort and support. Please feel free to join in when you are ready and share as much or as little as you wish. Also, if you have any questions you would like answered, just ask! Any lurkers out there please don't be shy, we would like to be able to support you too.Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week?What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal?QOTW: How does your SO's grieving differ from your own? Has it made your relationship stronger or more strained?Open Topic. What is on your mind this week?

OSUWifey09

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week? I went back to work Monday. It honestly hasn't been as bad as I thought it would be, even though I did have some moments yesterday. I feel like going back was a big step for me towards healing, and I'm glad I took it. For a couple of weeks, I wasn't sure if I'd be back.
What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal? I think right now, I just want to make it through the first couple of weeks of work. I've been hiding out in my office so that I don't see people, but I know I'll need to get out eventually.
QOTW: How does your SO's grieving differ from your own? Has it made your relationship stronger or more strained? H has accepted all this a lot quicker than I will - he's just not an emotional person. BUT, we did have a very long conversation last night about things, because his ability to move on so quickly really got to me. The convo showed me how he truly feels [he thinks about Devon every day and is still hurting, but not as much as I am], how he's truly dealing with the loss [throwing himself back into work], and that he's really just trying to stay strong for me because he knows it will take me a very long time to heal. That made things a lot better between us.
Open Topic. What is on your mind this week? I'm an academic advisor at a university, and some students have asked how the baby's doing. I haaaaate when I have to tell them, "Well, I did have a baby, but he didn't make it." Their faces just drop, which makes me emotional. But what am I supposed to do, lie and tell them things are fine? Some people have questioned if I should be telling people that I lost Devon, but I'm not going to pretend things are fine and that he's here, because that's not the case. I really hate this.

fluttergirlmoonchild79

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week?Yesterday was 10 months since Corbin became an angel.  It hit me harder than the past few months have for some reason.  I felt like I was going to cry almost all day but I held it together.  I know it's ok to cry and believe me, I do but I was proud of me for being able to not.
What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal?  I want to lose at least 10lbs this month because we're about to begin our TTCAL journey.  I'm eating better and less and running pretty much everyday.
QOTW: How does your SO's grieving differ from your own? Has it made your relationship stronger or more strained?He doesn't seem to openly grieve as much as I do.  He told me a few weeks ago that he tends to cry after I fall asleep because he wasn't want to trigger me.  Like me, he's very open to tell people what happened but tends to keep it more vague than I do.  He went back to work the monday after our Saturday service for Corbin.  Since I was still on maternity leave, I didn't start working again until after the new year.  I needed time to process and he needed to throw himself back into work.
Open Topic. What is on your mind this week?Our Mediterranean cruise that we leave for in 24 days.  When we booked it back in February it seemed so far away and now it's almost here!  Need to make a list of things I need to get/pack.  Also trying to figure out what we're going to get Corbin for his 1st birthday - which is the same day we leave on our trip.

tuscanbride2007

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week?
Actually, I have made myself look at pictures of my friend's babies on facebook. I always would skip over them, but I have looked at them and felt pretty calm. That is a huge step forward for me!
What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal?
I mentioned this in a post about October 15. My friend is hosting a birth story night for loss mamas and I am talking myself into going. I think telling my story and talking with other women IRL about Annabelle, will help me in my healing process.
QOTW: How does your SO's grieving differ from your own? Has it made your relationship stronger or more strained?
MH is not a really emotional person and I am. Our grief has made us a stronger couple because he can always tell when something is bothering me. I can always come to him with my emotions and he always makes me feel better. He is the same way. He may not be outwardly upset, but he can come to me and I can make him feel better. We have that new bond.
Open Topic. What is on your mind this week?
The impending arrival of my niece/nephew. My SIL is due in a month and I am absolutely scared about seeing a newborn for the holidays.

starburst0928

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week?

I had my son Bradley's memorial service yesterday afternoon. I was dreading going but it actually help bring some closure.  

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal?

Start to do 'normal' things like mow the grass, watch tv, go for a walk... None of that seems appropriate right now. I don't have a plan yet.

QOTW: How does your SO's grieving differ from your own? Has it made your relationship stronger or more strained?

He's trying to be "strong" for me which just makes me mad. He also doesn't seem to get that my bond with Bradley was different than his, given Bradley was inside of me. This also makes me mad. Our relationship has gotten stronger but as we continue to grieve, I'm afraid it's going to become strained.

Open Topic. What is on your mind this week?

I can't stop thinking about my 6 week PP visit. I don't know what it's going to be like to see pregnant women in the waiting room, seeing my doctor again, and being in the room where I had all my prenatal appointments... 

karebear57

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week?Just taking it one day at a time...still feel like I have fallen off the wagon.
What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal?Get through the weekend and monday. Monday is her birthday/ 1st angelversary.
QOTW: How does your SO's grieving differ from your own? Has it made your relationship stronger or more strained?I keep things bottled up inside but I'm even quieter than I used to be. DH doesn't talk about her or ask how I'm doing, but I can see in his eyes he really wants to ask me. I think he's probably afraid that if he asks I might just explode one of these days. It's not fun being around me when this happens. But we have become closer and strengthened our bond.
Open Topic. What is on your mind this week?Just waiting for sunday and monday to happen. Sunday the 7th is the day we found out Brianna was gone and (early) monday is when she was born. I can't sleep.

ILoveRedVino

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week? No.  We still need to spread the ashes and are still ignoring that it needs to be done.

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal? Mine is more health related.  I need to lose some weight, and my goal is 7 pounds in October.  I'm doing low carb and walking 4-ish miles every day, 5 days a week.

QOTW: How does your SO's grieving differ from your own? Has it made your relationship stronger or more strained? At first, it made us stronger - just the fact that we were both grieving.  Now, it feels like we just don't talk about the loss at all.  I know that he is internalizing it, but it feels like he doesn't think about it.  That has been hard recently, but I do recognize that we just grieve differently.  I'm still sad.  I still cry - but I don't really do it in front of him.  It is weird and I need to talk to him about it because I feel like we're just going back to normal and I don't want that.

Open Topic. What is on your mind this week.  The grieving differences have been on my mind, as is TTCAL.  I'm too early to do that again, but it is crossing my mind.  I've had some bleeding the last few days, which I think *might* be the beginning of my first PP period, but I don't know.  I had fertility issues before this and never had a period, so this is all new to me.  I don't understand what is happening with my body.

GavinRonansMom

Mrs Nice:

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week?We just lost Noah on Saturday 9/29...born sleeping at 19w 3d. I am just trying to survive.....
What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal?We are hoping to try again in a few months if the doctor gives us the all clear. We have a 2 1/2 year old son at home and are hoping to give him a brother or sister soon....
QOTW: How does your SO's grieving differ from your own? Has it made your relationship stronger or more strained?DH has been amazing. He understands my grief is different that his, he is in "strong" mode for our son and myself. He wants to make sure we continue to communicate and understand each other. My biggest fear is what happens if he has moved on...and I haven't.... 
Open Topic. What is on your mind this week?This is all new. I am trying to understand and pray and talk to Noah a lot. I never thought we would ever go through this. Our first son was born after a easy pregnancy after only trying for a month...and Noah it only took 2 months. I am hoping for some answers from the doctor when we go in a few weeks, but I am trying to prepare myself for not getting one.

buggirl72

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week?

I ordered a book, Empty Cradle, Broken Heart.  We will see if reading helps. 

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal?

Going back to school on Monday. I am in my last year of law school and cannot take another week off - I would have to withdraw from all of my courses.  Monday and Tuesday will be brutal. I do not know if I am dreading sympathetic looks, hugs, or being ignored more.  

QOTW: How does your SO's grieving differ from your own? Has it made your relationship stronger or more strained?

He is thankful that we were pregnant and looks at the time we had as a gift. He also believes that Zachary was spared something horrible. His grief is centered around me and what I am going through. He has broken down a couple of times but for the most part is doing pretty well.  I'm the one that is a mess. He is super supportive. Overall, I think it has made us stronger. I do worry about 6 months from now. I do not think he will have the attitude that I should be "over it" by any specific time but one of the things he loves about me is my optimism. I don't think that exists anymore.  

Open Topic. What is on your mind this week?

Whether I can get pregnant again. Zachary's BFP was a shock. I was told that I could not have kids. I know I should look at this as a positive sign that I can but I am already 40. The odds are stacked against us even more and I do not have time to go through two or three years of trying. The idea of months and months of negatives makes me want to throw up. My husband did not go through my previous battle with infertility and has no idea how awful this is. He is very accepting that we may not ever have kids (he married me "knowing" that I could not) and is happy with just us but now that I came so close I cannot imagine ever being truly happy without giving birth to a healthy baby that makes it home with us.  

buggirl72

rsigler:

starburst0928:

 

I can't stop thinking about my 6 week PP visit. I don't know what it's going to be like to see pregnant women in the waiting room, seeing my doctor again, and being in the room where I had all my prenatal appointments... 

I'm not sure if this is an option for you, but if you're able to take someone to your appointment with you, have them check in and ask if you can go in through a side door. (For instance, I had DH check in while I sat outside of the office, and my doctor's nurse came and got me and took me in another entrance).  I had my 1st PP visit only 2 weeks after Virginia was born, and there was no way in HELL I was going to sit in the waiting room with all of the pregnant women.  It was still difficult just being back there, but eliminating the waiting room part of it made it a little easier.  Just a thought...

This. I passed a large clot the day after going home from the hospital and had to go to my doctor's office. I let them know I would be uncomfortable in the waiting room and they brought me immediately into the back. Ask, they will be sensitive to your needs.  

starburst0928

buggirl72:

rsigler:

starburst0928:

 

I can't stop thinking about my 6 week PP visit. I don't know what it's going to be like to see pregnant women in the waiting room, seeing my doctor again, and being in the room where I had all my prenatal appointments... 

I'm not sure if this is an option for you, but if you're able to take someone to your appointment with you, have them check in and ask if you can go in through a side door. (For instance, I had DH check in while I sat outside of the office, and my doctor's nurse came and got me and took me in another entrance).  I had my 1st PP visit only 2 weeks after Virginia was born, and there was no way in HELL I was going to sit in the waiting room with all of the pregnant women.  It was still difficult just being back there, but eliminating the waiting room part of it made it a little easier.  Just a thought...

This. I passed a large clot the day after going home from the hospital and had to go to my doctor's office. I let them know I would be uncomfortable in the waiting room and they brought me immediately into the back. Ask, they will be sensitive to your needs.  

 

Thanks for those tips. My husband will be coming with me, and I made the appointment as late in the day as I could to minimize exposure to other patients. I wish I could see my doctor sooner, I just want to talk it through with her. We never really had time to talk...

lolee465

starburst0928:

buggirl72:

rsigler:

starburst0928:

 

I can't stop thinking about my 6 week PP visit. I don't know what it's going to be like to see pregnant women in the waiting room, seeing my doctor again, and being in the room where I had all my prenatal appointments... 

I'm not sure if this is an option for you, but if you're able to take someone to your appointment with you, have them check in and ask if you can go in through a side door. (For instance, I had DH check in while I sat outside of the office, and my doctor's nurse came and got me and took me in another entrance).  I had my 1st PP visit only 2 weeks after Virginia was born, and there was no way in HELL I was going to sit in the waiting room with all of the pregnant women.  It was still difficult just being back there, but eliminating the waiting room part of it made it a little easier.  Just a thought...

This. I passed a large clot the day after going home from the hospital and had to go to my doctor's office. I let them know I would be uncomfortable in the waiting room and they brought me immediately into the back. Ask, they will be sensitive to your needs.  

 

Thanks for those tips. My husband will be coming with me, and I made the appointment as late in the day as I could to minimize exposure to other patients. I wish I could see my doctor sooner, I just want to talk it through with her. We never really had time to talk...

 

My doctor has had me (and DH) come in every 2 weeks since our loss. Maybe you can schedule an appointment sooner just to talk, not for your 6 week pp exam. Also, all my appointments were the first of the day so no patients were there yet. They let me go in a little early and immediately put me in an exam room so I wouldn't have to go in the waiting room at all. Doesn't hurt to ask, I'm sure they'll do whatever makes you more comfortable.

Williamandshawnna

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week?

Not really, kinda went backwards a bit.

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal?

Same thing, just trying to shed the extra weight.

QOTW: How does your SO's grieving differ from your own? Has it made your relationship stronger or more strained?

My husband didn't really start grieving, at least openly, until i went back to work. He was so focused on me that he said he didn't really have time for him. It has made our relationship stronger I think.

Open Topic. What is on your mind this week?

I think grief plays games with your mind. For months now I said I wanted nothing to do with Thanksgiving and Xmas. Now I can't get the thought out of my head that I would have taught my sons to celebrate the seasons for those you love and have lost. So now I think I need to take some of my own advice. And i'm still going back and forth, day by day.

kikibelle

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week?I shared a photo of Julian with two close friends. Also had some friends over for pizza last Sunday afternoon.What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal?No specific goals, just hoping to continue being able to function relatively well now that I'm fully back into the "real world".QOTW: How does your SO's grieving differ from your own? Has it made your relationship stronger or more strained?DH compartmentalizes more-he thinks about Julian just as often as I do, but he's more able to stay focused on the task at hand. When something reminds me of Julian, I have to pause. This could either be a quick minute away from the email that I'm writing at work, or a full-out breakdown in the middle of cooking dinner. I am grateful that DH is not afraid to talk about his feelings. He'll tell me when he's had a "sad day". We already had a strong relationship-this experience has made it stronger. Open Topic. What is on your mind this week?Having another baby. We were SO ready to become parents, and I thought I would be a mommy now. I'm in great shape physically and doing pretty well emotionally, so we're moving ahead with TTC. I'm just hoping not to be consumed by it. Getting pregnant with Julian was kind of stressful.