Since you're bored, long lurker confessions and help needed
lisalurker
member
Hi. I feel pretty stupid doing this but I have some time to kill before work is over, so why not. Everyone keeps talking about how boring it is today, and I could use some help so I thought I'd take advantage of you all.
First of all, I promise you don't know me. I used to be married and posted on the Bump randomly because I was TTC for awhile. Then, I got divorced and posted on SO/TIP for awhile but, again randomly. After that I lost internet/time and gave up the nest. Then, I got a new boring job where I have loads of free time on the internet and starting lurking on GBCN because I don't have lots of time or energy to post. One part of my confession is that I lurk on GBCN quite a bit and never, ever post. It's weird. I feel like I "know" a lot of you guys but like I said, you don;t know me. I like reading the stuff you guys post, it's very useful and entertaining but I normally have no desire to post. I'll answer questions about that if you want. I don't tell anyone I do this.
But, the real reason I'm posting today is because my life is an out of control *** storm. I got married young, was a perfect housewife, had a financially stable household, was very responsible, ex cheated and we divorced. 6 months after we separated, against my better judgement, I met my ex-boyfriend and got into a serious relationship with him very quickly. When we met, I was in therapy weekly, handling my divorce spectacularly and in a great mental state. This was about a year and a half ago.
While we were dating, I move to a nearby city and he move in with me. He is a OEF vet and has SERIOUS PTSD and depression issues (possibly bi-polar?). He is on meds but then his insurance changes and he has to switch them. Long story shortened, the new meds don't work. Gradually, and then suddenly he flips my life around. He refuses to get a job because he's too depressed/anxious, so I am forced to support him on an admin assistant wage (we're both 25). He already has massive amounts of consumer debt he racked up after his deployment several years ago. I fit in right away in the new city, he had social anxiety and refused to interact, as a result when we were together I stayed at home with him 95% of the time. He keeps me up at night with nightmares and sleep walking, I stop sleeping, my health suffers. Eventually, his behavior one night is so erratic, I break up with him and that night he tries to kill himself, I find him almost dead, call the 911, he's taken to a psych ward and 2 weeks later they let him out and he flies back home to live with his parents while he works on his treatment.
Obviously, we are not together anymore. I know it's not healthy what happened, and I understand on top of all this I needed a lot more time single after my divorce. I am in weekly therapy. I am not even remotely close to dating.
My confession is that my ex-boyfriend made me so depressed I don't think there is a way out. I am in debt now. I don't take care of myself because I don't sleep and am so sad. I hate what happened. I hate that I got myself into that situation. I feel SUCH a stigma about mental illness I cannot talk to anyone about how it was with him. But mostly, I hate that he is gone. I still love him so much and think he is perfect for me in every way BESIDES his mental illness. I truly can't imagine anyone else. I feel a deep, deep connection with him that I never have with anyone, even friends, even my ex-husband. But I don't know if he will ever get better and I can't go through that again.
He brought me down. He didn't mean to but he did. I'm so angry at him, at the mental health system, at the military. I'm mad I can't tell anyone what happened. I hate myself. I'm falling apart and so depressed and you would never know it if you knew me. I'm pretty and vivacious and hold it together in public but inside I'm dying. I'm broke and unhealthy and tired and I'm going literally insane and no one knows. I think I'm doing everything the way I should right now but nothing helps. I don't know what advice you can give me but I figured it's worth a shot.
Advice? Is that juicy enough?
Re: Since you're bored, long lurker confessions and help needed
I tell my therapist. I've only been seeing her since all this first started so I don't think it's really working yet. I'm scared to go on meds because that's what made my ex-boyfriend worse and I can't afford to feel worse. I'm not suicidal, but I'm very close.
I know I'm depressed but it's more than that. I feel legit hopeless. My life is in pieces. I'm in debt but keep spending money going out and drinking. My household is a mess. My car is disgusting. I've gained 20 lbs. I don't fit into my clothes but won't buy new ones. I have weird eating/sleeping habits. It's like I was a normal, even high-functioning person and then in a matter of literally weeks I turned into a crazy trainwreck. I hate everything. I don't really want to live.
I can understand your fear of meds, but you have to remember that what your ex had is very different than what you have. And brain chemistry is totally different from person to person. It's something to talk to your therapist about anyway.
I think you have to take things one at a time. When you're depressed, everything feels like a pile on. It's not just 'x, y, and z are bad' but 'my entire life is worthless'. It's really hard, but you have to separate things out into pieces. Take one tiny thing and see how you can improve it. You can't lose 20 pounds overnight, but you can maybe cut one bad thing out of your diet. If you are having trouble sleeping, maybe some sleep medication isn't a bad idea either, to help you get through this period. If your clothes don't fit, just go buy one new outfit that does fit. Take one specific part of your household and clean or straighten it. Don't try to clean your whole house - just say "OK, today I'm going to clean the countertops" and that's it and that's enough.
I understand why you'd want to get back with your ex. Everything else is falling apart and while you know he's bad for you, at least he can make you feel good for a little while, right? But you know that the story doesn't end well. You can't save him and he can't save you. In the long run, you'll just end up making things worse. But you know this already.
I have to go home from work now and won't be able to check back here until tomorrow. I'm not expecting any other replies. People didn't really want to help, they just wanted to *** about other posters.
Thanks for trying again, lulu.
Okay, I really am leaving now. Thanks sco for also replying. I do appreciate the effort.
However, I feel like if I have to go one more month feeling like this I will die. Not even that I will kill myself necessarily, just that I will die. I don't know how I can take it anymore. I feel like Edward Norton in Fight Club. My brain isn't working and my life is hopeless/worthless. I don't know what is going to happen to me, maybe I'll make it, it's just impossible to think that. I think the world will end, or I'll go legit psycho or my body will just give up before then.
I hope your therapist knows you are feeling this way. That is pretty serious and goes beyond just "I'm feeling depressed"
I'm sorry.
First, here is a phone number to call if you are feeling suicidal: 1-800-273-8255
Secondly, think back to how you felt before you got back together with your ex: together and confident and happy and beautiful. You had that WITHOUT your ex. You don't need him to feel joy--in fact, he is part of the reason you lost that.
What were you doing/thinking/feeling/eating/reading/drinking during that happy time? Can you replicate some of that?
Also, make a to-do list of things you can do each day to feel better. Join a yoga class, go to meditation, tell your therapist about your concerns and ask her for "homework" to do each week to start feeling better. And there is no shame in getting medication to get you through a difficult time.
Good luck to you!
My weight loss blog
I'm sorry to hear about everything you're going through and everything that's happened. I was talking to a friend the other day well, whining about how life just isn't fair and people who deserve to be happy aren't, and total dbags are often super happy.
I went through a lot a few years ago, though certainly not as much as you, and learned to adjust my expectations. I expect to be vaguely disappointed with life, so any joy I get out of it is a nice surprise.
I know you're in therapy, but it might help to talk to someone you know. Have you confided in any friends about how you're feeling?
I am in kind of a blah, shitty place right now, and I don't know what I'd do without my best friend who I confide in about it. She has depression issues too and it makes me feel like less of a freak to talk to her about it.
PM me anytime, but on CEP since i'm not often here. I hope that venting here helps.
Hugs. I know I don't know you, but I know you aren't worthless. Treat yourself to something you used to love doing, or find something new.
I would talk to your therapist about medication. I can imagine the mixed feelings you have for your ex. You have good memories of him, but bad memories with his mental illness.
I live in a military town, and have seen many veterans suffering from PTSD with service dogs. I know you don't have PTSD, but have you thought about getting a pet? My brother was very depressed for years, and having his dog has helped him so much.
First of all, I want you to know that you aren't alone, and I really, really hope you aren't at the point of suicide. IF you are, call the suicide # that someone posted.
We all go through periods in our life where everything really, really sucks. Its normal, but I think you're past that point and you know it. You're in pretty serious depression.
I needed meds to get out of my depression/anxiety funk and I'm glad I did because today I'm a whole different person, so don't rule that out!
I just dont know what else to say but HUGS, and please, please, please, get yourself some help wherever you live.
Feel free to PM me but I'm rarely over here, page me on GBCN if you need to.
XO