Preemies

Am I being to sensitive?

Today my stepmom said something to me that bothered me and I'm not sure if it's b/c my feelings are still very raw about my son coming early or if what she said was really hurtful. We were upstairs in my house showing her and my father a room that used to be a spare bedroom but we turned it into an office for my husband (this way we could turn my husbands former office into a play room for my DS). I was talking about all the work we had to do to the room b/c there was so much stuff in it. (what was in it was a ton of baby stuff- must of which I received as shower gifts. My water broke the night of my shower and I was in the hospital from that night until my son was born at 31 w 4d). Her response was, "I know- Larry (my fil) brought all of the shower gifts up here. Your father and I were going to do it but he beat us to it. We wanted to do it b/c we didn't know how things would turn out and we didn't want you to come home to all the baby stuff if things didn't go well. You never know how things like that will turn out." I was really taken aback. I mean yes my son came early but the doctors said from the beginning that he should live. And even if that wasn't the case- why would you say something like that??? So, if you've made it this far through my rambling- am I being to sensitive or was that an inappropriate thing to say?

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Re: Am I being to sensitive?

  • Honestly I probably would have been pretty upset myself if someone let on they didn't think my lo would make it. Regardless of drs reassurance, I think all nicu moms have the feared the worst at some point, and its pretty upsetting to have the worst fear as a mother vocalized by someone else.
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  • I think you are probably being sensitive, but your sensitivity is justified. I'm sure she didn't mean to upset you but that would have upset me too.
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  • I would have been hurt too. Even if they thought that why say it? The pastor from my childhood church came to see us uninvited but that's another story at the nicu. I found out later it was because he wanted to baptise the baby in case he didn't make it. Mind you he was breathing on his own since birth and had no complications. The doctor never thought there was a chance that he wouldn't make it but when I heard that I was really upset a c angry.

    If she says it again I'd just say I understand everyone was worried but hearing that is very upsetting. Can you please not mention it again? Or have dh tell her.

    The reality is that she was probably scared of that and didn't know quite as much as you and she's still processing those feelings.

    Stay strong mama!
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  • My mother made a similar comment to me when I asked her to help put together a nursery for DS2...at about 28 weeks pregnant. My aunt had 2 babies that died shortly after birth, so I guess my mom was thinking along those lines? Either way, she said that she would help me, but that she didnt think it was a good idea, because "you never know what could happen". I didnt really get offended as much as I was plain annoyed. Trust me, I worry enough about my baby and what COULD happen, and I try to keep a positive outlook, so I dont need her to think negatively for me. I just told her that I would hope for the best, and that I would like a nursery set up just IN CASE I did have a baby I could bring home.

    Also, I think older people dont understand much about NICU's these days. 

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  • I agree with CR & BK2. But here's my ramble: preemie moms are sensitive for a while (some longer than others) where it's hard for anyone who doesn't have a preemie to say anything right. It's sorta darned if ya do, darned if ya don't. For me, we'd just lost everything and my cats were dead. We had nothing. Just donations as they came in. I was sure I'd lose my son, too, even though he was a feeder/grower. I kept everything that was his in the living room so it could be shoved out the window when something happened. I thought he was going to die for sure, but everyone was just being nice to me so I wouldn't collapse. So if someone confessed that to me (and it sounds like it was gently from what you wrote - she was probably scared, too) I would appreciate it though depending on my mood back then I might have been pissed like, what, you thought my baby was going to die?? It's such a mix - and you really truly never know with preemies, and that's the truth. You can have a seemingly solid LTP take a turn and have more problems or a fatality than a micro. Nobody knows and there's some etiquette involved for sure but it seems she was mindful of that and thought she could tell you now that NICU is more in the past. Why don't you open up and share how it made you feel at the moment? It might be good to talk to her about it (for both of you) and you'll be letting her into your preemie-mom heart. It's a complicated place in there and the more people who learn about it the better <3
  • I think you are being deservedly sensitive.  With that said I dont think you should hold it against her.   I have found that family members are often the ones who say the dumbest things, probably because they are dealing with many of the same emotions we are (obviously on a different scale).  I think your stepmom was having a moment of wordvomit.

    My DD was born at 25 weeks and I found it very difficult to come home to no baby stuff.  We had an overwhelming amount of support but almost no one gave us baby related things other than lots and lots of blankets.  I assume people felt the same way your stepmom did.  They didn't want their gift to be painful if our daughter were to pass away.  

    mom to V; 25 weeker born at 1lb 7oz
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  • To me that was a comment that you might think but you don't say.  I don't think she was trying to be hurtful she was just being honest.  Too honest.  I'd let it go and focus on the fact that your son is here and doing well.  
  • Thanks everyone!  I appreciate everyone's opinion and perspective.  I'm still really emotional so sometimes I need a little reality check.  I feel better about it now.
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  • imagepathfindermon:
    Thanks everyone!  I appreciate everyone's opinion and perspective.  I'm still really emotional so sometimes I need a little reality check.  I feel better about it now.

     

    I still get emotional/sensitive... that's why this board is great. everyone here understands!

     

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    Our little hippo was as impatient as mom!

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    Hoping for a full 40 weeks!! 

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