Going against the grain - asking for no presents at birthday party

itsmevkb

I'll start by saying that I'm on a mission to cut back.  As I approach having my fourth child I am sometimes overwhelmed at the prospect of another set of clothes, baby toys, kid stuff, etc.  My house isn't huge and I am simply tired of having so.much.stuff.  I could eliminate half of the stuff my kids have and I doubt they would even notice.  For years now I've been begging my parents and my in-laws to stop bringing things for the kids every time they come to the house.  I've been asking them to scale back on the birthday and Christmas gifts.  Two is fine, twenty is overboard, etc. 

So, in keeping with that, when I recently invited my son's friends to his birthday party I noted on the back of the invitation that no present was necessary, that we just wanted them to come and have a good time.  My son, who can't articulate even one thing he wants other than a Nintendo DS, was completely on board and will still receive gifts from our family so it's not as though he won't receive any presents.

I thought the other parents would be relieved to not have to shop for, buy and wrap a gift for a child they don't even really know but I guess I was wrong because my husband, who takes our son to school, says the other moms are insisting on bringing gifts.  Am I missing something?  I get that it would be rude to show up giftless to a party but if you're specifically told that just having you there is present enough, would you fight that?  I would LOVE to get invites like that!

bearkatjen

Eh, I think it's rude to give any instructions on gifts.

EvenAngelsFall

Honestly, I'd feel funny going to a child's birthday party empty handed too. Even if it was requested.

Instead, why not specify that instead of gifts, your child would be thrilled if they would bring an item for a local animal shelter? Or canned good for a local pantry?

If you feel odd about being that instructional, you could always just take anything received and find a worthwhile place to donate it, like a children's hospital or home for battered women & children.

Nechie122

I don't know why giftless parties are so controversial but they are. I think it just goes against our better nature not to show up to an event empty handed. Also, I think some parents feel strongly that gifts are a part of childhood. And why are gifts from family, which you're allowing, superior to gifts from friends?

Why not let the parents do as they please and then maybe donate the toys to a charity, like Toys for Tots?

ETA: I also think gift giving can be an experience that teaches kids how to be gracious. You pick out something for your friend, and then he does the same for you; if you're the receiver, you say thank you and then write a thank you note. It really is a part of life.

tosababy

That's obnoxious that other moms are protesting.  It's rude of them not to do what you've asked.

We've been trying to do our part by taking only a book or a $10 Yo Mama gift card to all birthday parties my son (5) is invited to these days.  It doesn't get the big ooohs and aaahs during gift opening, but I hope the parents are thankful.

ridesbuttons

I love it and I would respect it.

No gifts means no gifts. 

jnealet

I have a hard time going to a party without a gift.  BUT we're planning on sending out the no gifts invites for D2's 1st birthday party.  We are going to ask them to donate to their charity of their choice instead, so they will have something to spend their money on. 

EastCoastBride

This is a request I really wish people could respect.  I just feel like we've become SUCH a materialistic culture, and always "having" to show up at pretty much ANY type of party w/ a gift in hand lends right to that.

I don't know why we can't show up places empty handed, quite honestly!  Why can't the event/ the experience of being there simply be enough?

I actually recently got an invitation for a 4 year old that had a comment about please don't bring a gift for her, but if you want to bring something to donate to ___ charity (a children's hospital, I think), please do.  Basically saying "anything you bring will be donated".   

 

DaisyJanie

I know that's supposed to be a no-no, but I think it's a silly rule. One of my friends said "no gifts" on her son's 1st bday invite and it was fine, some people brought gifts but most didn't. (I didn't.) I've been seeing a lot of the donated gift parties - a Facebook friend posted a pic from her daughter's birthday where everyone had brought stuff to donate to the animal shelter because the little girl loves animals. So everyone brought dog food, doggie beds, kitty litter, etc. It sounded like a nice idea!

itsmevkb

Nechie122:

I don't know why giftless parties are so controversial but they are. I think it just goes against our better nature not to show up to an event empty handed. Also, I think some parents feel strongly that gifts are a part of childhood. And why are gifts from family, which you're allowing, superior to gifts from friends? Why not let the parents do as they please and then maybe donate the toys to a charity, like Toys for Tots? ETA: I also think gift giving can be an experience that teaches kids how to be gracious. You pick out something for your friend, and then he does the same for you; if you're the receiver, you say thank you and then write a thank you note. It really is a part of life.

Something about letting him receive the gifts and then saying, nope, you can't keep them seems worse than him just not getting the gifts at all.  Although he can't think of anything he wants I"m certain that once he opens the gifts he will suddenly want to keep all of them.

I agree with the lessons gift giving teaches but  I figure he's getting that by getting gifts for his cousins for their birthdays, at Christmas, Father's Day, etc. 

I certainly don't think the gifts from family are superior, I just know that after years and years of asking them not to give gifts, or give less, that they aren't going to comply so I guess I was crazy for thinking anyone else would.

jf198400

I think the collective "We" as a society need to stop making parties and birthdays so focused on gifts.  I think there are many parents who don't want to receive gifts, and many parents who don't want to buy gifts.  Yet we still keep insisting on them out of a sense of expectedness and politeness.  While I don't want to get more stuff and I'm sure other people don't either, I continue to feel "rude" if I show up at a party empty handed.  I dread the thought of when my kids are older and we start having 20+ birthday parties/year per child.  Can you imagine, even if you only spend $10 per gift that adds up to about $400/year on other people's kids. 

I think you should reiterate that you are requesting No gifts and if they would like to bring something to donate instead that would be fine.

itsmevkb

tosababy:

That's obnoxious that other moms are protesting.  It's rude of them not to do what you've asked.

We've been trying to do our part by taking only a book or a $10 Yo Mama gift card to all birthday parties my son (5) is invited to these days.  It doesn't get the big ooohs and aaahs during gift opening, but I hope the parents are thankful.

I would LOVE you for that. 

And, I agree with the other poster that we as a society are just so obsessed with material goods.  It's one thing to give gifts say for a young couple who is getting married and they really need towels, a blender, etc.  Or to bring gifts to a birthday party of a child who really doesn't have too much, but, at some point, if and when you are comfortable and so are your kids, what is so wrong with saying we have everything we need and we just want to have fun with you without all the obligations and fuss of spending money on things no-one even needs? 

Next year I think I will consider asking for donations, maybe have each child bring their favorite book so they can be donated to the school library or something like that............but then are other moms then going to get mad that I'm in essence telling them what to buy?

brazzale

Just this AM I was thinking "I wonder if I can get away w/ writing "no gifts" for DS's birthday".  Really, he lacks nothing in his life & is totally happy.  We have a small house which leaves little room for stuff he MIGHT play with.  Plus, I just want his birthday to be about him, family & friends, why are gifts such a necessity?

itsmevkb

jf198400:

I dread the thought of when my kids are older and we start having 20+ birthday parties/year per child.  Can you imagine, even if you only spend $10 per gift that adds up to about $400/year on other people's kids. 

And then I multiply this times my four children and I start to get sick thinking how many parties, gifts and $$$ this will be..............both for my own children and what I'm spending on gifts for their friends.  I've been toying around with only letting them have a party every few years and not every year.

kayjay10

EastCoastBride:

This is a request I really wish people could respect.  I just feel like we've become SUCH a materialistic culture, and always "having" to show up at pretty much ANY type of party w/ a gift in hand lends right to that.

I don't know why we can't show up places empty handed, quite honestly!  Why can't the event/ the experience of being there simply be enough?

I actually recently got an invitation for a 4 year old that had a comment about please don't bring a gift for her, but if you want to bring something to donate to ___ charity (a children's hospital, I think), please do.  Basically saying "anything you bring will be donated".   

 

I agree with this.  For DD's 1st bday, we asked for toys to be donated to our local toys for tots Christmas thing.  We still have all the toys that were donated in boxes in our garage and will be donating all 32 of them.  My DD doesn't want for anything and there are so many kids that don't have all these great things that my DD has (and we don't have much!).

Netty_3

I posted a while back about wording on an invitation on my son's first birthday.  We are asking instead of gifts to donate a new book to this foundation that does daycare for homeless parents and battered shelters. I was told it was okay by everyone that responded to do that since it was charity. Maybe ask them to bring gloves, coats, or other clothes to be donated to a charity of your choice now that the weather is getting cooler.  Then they can still buy something, but it won't bury you in "stuff".

am1028

I understand the reasoning behind asking for "no gifts" or asking people to bring a gift to be donated, however, I don't like the idea of "telling" people what to do when it comes to something like this.  Some people like picking out and giving gifts.  I'd just rather let people bring the gifts and then either donate them after the fact or go through what you already have with DS and donate some of that stuff and keep the gifts you get.  The gifts don't have to clutter up your house if you don't want them to.  After DD's birthday party, we went through her toys and donated  some of the older ones she didn't really play with anymore.  As for the new ones, we kept some of those and donated some of those as well. 

 

jennbean79

jf198400:

I think the collective "We" as a society need to stop making parties and birthdays so focused on gifts.  I think there are many parents who don't want to receive gifts, and many parents who don't want to buy gifts.  Yet we still keep insisting on them out of a sense of expectedness and politeness.  While I don't want to get more stuff and I'm sure other people don't either, I continue to feel "rude" if I show up at a party empty handed.  I dread the thought of when my kids are older and we start having 20+ birthday parties/year per child.  Can you imagine, even if you only spend $10 per gift that adds up to about $400/year on other people's kids. 

I think you should reiterate that you are requesting No gifts and if they would like to bring something to donate instead that would be fine.

I totally agree with this and hope to request no gifts at my kids' parties in the future. I will say, though, that if your invitation said "no gifts necessary" as opposed "no gifts, please" I would feel like the gift was optional, and I wouldn't want to be the only one showing up without a gift, so I would probably still feel obligated to bring one even if I really wanted to honor your request. 

notreallyirish

I don't have a problem with the no presents idea I guess, but I would go farther and say just don't have a party. I'm not saying don't celebrate...you can do something as a family or with a close friend or two. In my opinion kids don't need a birthday party every year. I think elaborate parties are just as much a symptom of our materialistic culture as gifts.

KathrynMD

I'm going to do "no gifts" for DD's birthday.  I'm always overwhelmed w/ the quanity of "stuff" I get at Christmas/birthdays and while I agree the thought/the sentiment is nice, most of it never gets used or only gets used briefly and so it ultimately ends up in a landfill - its just more that that I have to manage/maitain, etc. and it really doesn't add much to my/our life/lives. 

1026pumpkin

I completely understand about not wanting to add to the clutter and I think it would be great to move the norm to be no presents at parties, but....I do think some people may forget or feel awkward, and you're going to get stuff anyways.

If your kids are old enough, maybe explain to them that there are kids who don't have friends and family that can afford to buy them toys, or sick kids in the hospital who would really appreciate having some new toys, and have them round up a bunch of stuff to donate.  Maybe you can make a contest of it amongst your kids to see who can fill the biggest box with items to donate, and have them go with you to do the drop off, then take them out for ice cream to celebrate?

You could also think about having a garage sale and tell the kids that they can use the proceeds to go on a trip to the amusement park (or buy 1 big toy, or something).

madladybride

I've done the no-gifts thing for DD's 1st bday. DH even said you could donate to her college fund, if you really wanted (I was really embarrassed about that because I know how tacky that was. I told DH that he is NOT to repeat that for next year. Though the party was only attended by close family and friends/). Most of the cheap toys she got from the grandparents, were swiftly donated and DD was none-the-wiser.

For DD's 2nd, we're going to do the no gifts please, or bring an item to donate to dog shelter/homeless shelter, etc.

I agree that we, as a culture, have gotten too "gift-oriented". While it's a nice gesture, DD doesn't want for anything. Is it too hard to respect the wishes of the parents? I have shown up at a few parties where I was one of a few people that respected the no-gifts request. At first I felt odd, but then I reminded myself that IS what the host/hostess requested. As for doing away with celebrations, I think having a party is a nice way to spend time with family and friends and mark the passage of time in a person's life.

stellablue1972

For my son's 2nd Bday party, I hosted a book swap instead.  That way people got to bring something, but they also got to take something and I was not left with a house full of crap. 

It was received really well and I think parents were relieved not to buy yet another gift, since a big group of us all have kids with birthdays within three months of one another! 

Wording was;

"Please join us in celebrating Flynn's big 0-2! 

We'll have cupcakes and snack food, and two big dogs to lick it all up.

I lieu of gifts, we will be having a book swap! 

Please bring one wrapped book for the "three-and-under" crowd and one for us adults.  (Let's face it, at this age, the parties are for us anyway, and why should the kids get to have all the fun?)

Hope this works with everybody's nap schedule and we will see you there!"

 

PaMommy02

My son was invited to a party where the parents asked for no gifts. They noted on the invite that we may bring along an item or small pack of food for a dog/cat that the birthday boy would then donate to a animal shelter. I thought that was a cute idea

groovygrl

Reiterating what others have said (admit I did not read all of them)...though I get that some may think it is rude to ignore the no gift request I also feel really weird showing up empty handed & tend to bring something smaller (usually a book). I agree w/t he suggestions in the future to ask for a charitable donation for something that relates to an interest of your child, or food donations that can given to a local food pantry, or even 'a favorite book'- small, useful, educational, ppl would totally get on board with a book. Also I think what makes it extra awkward is if you've been to their kid's party in the last 6 mo-1 yr and gave their kid a gift (in my case I usually give 2 or the equivalent b/c I have twins) and then they feel really weird not bringing anything.

Also to follow up on the ppl who said let ppl bring gifts & thenjust  donate them all, that is kinda wrong in my mind- your child likely opened the thing up & thinks it is his/hers and then you're taking it away (I guess you can prep them ahead but  it depends on how old they are) and also I think it is rude to the giver who may have spent some time picking it out & to then turn around & give it away just rubs me the wrong way (unless there has been some sort of warning-  like if you wrote, no gifts for Johnny please, but feel free to bring a gift to donate to our local homeless shelter/toys for tots/whatever, then the person would know up front the intention.)

itsmevkb

Thanks everyone.  I'm glad to know I'm not the only one thinking that maybe less is better and now I have some good ideas for when my daughter's birthday rolls around in February.

And, I want to add that we aren't having what I would consider an elaborate party for him.  It's bowling and bad pizza ;-)

SPK926

I haven't read through all the replies so I don't know if someone has already mentioned this idea but when I was a teenager I babysat for a family with 5 kids. They had a rule that whenever they got a gift (for birthday or Christmas) they had to take one of their old toys and donate it. That way you aren't always adding more to your house but more so just "trading". I think I will implement this rule with my children too.

AquaFlowers

I feel weird going to a party without a gift.

MammaBear81

I haven't read the answers yet, but we just did something similar for DS1's 7th bday.  He picked a charity and on the invite said that in leu of gift he would appreciate a donation to XYZ charity in any amount (he really likes books and it was donations to replenish books in the local library).  We only got one gift, and they were the ones that felt awkward.- the other kids brought a card and just mentioned "we donated $$ to the XYZ charity"- we added it all up, and DS1 was very proud that he raised $160 for new books.

We will be doing this for every birthday party, starting when each child turns 7 (because I think at that point they can understand and be involved).  His grandparents did still buy one gift each, and I think that's perfect.

Bella427

I like MammaBear's idea.  Maybe by the time my kids are 7, they'll be mature enough for that.  I don't think my 4 year old is there yet.  We did go to one party that said "No gifts please, just homemade cards!"  That could be a solution, then people don't feel like they've shown up empty handed.  We donated some of our 1 year old's gifts this year, but I don't think that will fly when he's 2 and knows what's going on!

bunny731

I really enjoyed a party we went to where everyone brought a used, or new book and they had a book exchange with all the children. As for 'no gifts' I respect and understand it and we provide homemade cards.  

I am put off by pandering for donations at a party. While being altruistic is wonderful-a child's birthday party should not be the avenue for soliciting donations. Make it a 'no gift' party and donate what you want afterwards in honor of your child.

katiefalls

I love the book swap idea!