need advice on daycare, please!

jaime*iowa

I was a work-at-home mom until August.  At that time, I found an in-home provider for my 4 y/o and 2 y/o boys.  I felt fortunate in that my provider could bring my 4 y/o son to afternoon preschool at our church in town.  We just moved to this small town, so I didn't know my provider beforehand. I found her on craigslist and checked her references.  I have been relatively happy with her.  The boys really like going there. 

So anyway...When I first met her, s he mentioned a son. But after a few weeks I hadn't met him and I got suspicious about his whereabouts. I decided to check with our state's online court filings.  I found out that her son had been sent away to a boys training school.  That bothered me.. but at least he wasn't here, right!? So I never asked her about him. 

On Monday, the son was home.  I saw him for the first time.  I was confused about why he was suddenly home so I did some more research.  I found out that he's 16.  He was sent away four years ago for 1) harassment and 2) assault with bodily injury on a girl apparently. she had a no-contact order against him afterwards.  He was apparently transferred from one training school to another.  He was later charged with 3rd degree burglary and assault on a peace officer.  and then as of 10/31/08 he was released back to the custody of his parents.  UGH.  so now he is living at home.
 
What's worse is that tonight I finally got the nerve to ask her about him.  I "played dumb" and told her that I had never met her son and forgot she had a son until I saw him this week for the first time.  She lied and told me that he has been living with grandma and decided to move back home. 

I'm just sick to my stomach about this.  I don't know what to do.  It's hard to find an in-home provider in our town that would be able to bring my 4 y/o to his afternoon preschool at the church.  So....I spent all day  calling local daycare centers (w/ preschool curriculum).  I finally found one that would have 2 openings for my boys.  I feel like I need to pull them out of the in-home provider, but I know this is going to be a big disruption for them/us.  I know my son will miss his preschool and the new center they would be attending would be in another town- not as convenient. 

I think the center-style daycare will be beneficial for my kids.  Esp my 4 y/o because he needs some help with speech.  But I'm just nervous about making such a change. AND what's worse, is that my DH thinks I'm being "paranoid" and ridiculous.  But I've talked to my mother, sister, MIL and coworkers and they tell me to go with my gut feeling.

Am I being paranoid about the son and his behavioral problems?  Would you keep your kids there?  please help!!

bridetobe0jb

We are about to switch daycares for way less trivial matters.  It will be tough, but they will adapt to the change.  This is a very big deal in my opinion and I would w/out a doubt pull them immediately.  That's just my opinion. The scary part is all of this happened when he was 12. 

Bride2b2004

I posted to your post on Parenting too.  I agree with the pp.

mrshutch

I'm so sorry you had to deal with this. Your kiddos will be much better off at the new center. My DH would've immediately yanked our DC out of the home! I'm not saying that you did anything wrong, though, and even though I'm sure the woman is embarrassed about the situation and the reasons why the son wasn't home, lying is just one more thing that makes the situation awkward. GL w/ the new center- I hope the transition is smooth!

tina623

You have to do what you feel is right for your babies.  I would put them in daycare.  She's lied to you, what if he comes over while you're at work?  I wouldn't him anywhere near my house or in the same room as my children if I'm there, let alone when I'm not.  Go with your gut.

Whoo

I would pull them and not look back.   The transition will be temporary.  He will always be her son and will always be around at one time or another. You would never forgive yourself if something did happen.  You are lucky to have found out all this information about him.  Good for you for being diligent! 

Maybride2

That is not a safe place for your kids to be.

Get them into the center.  Yes, they will have to adjust to the change..........but it won't take them long.  And the "harm" in making them adjust to a new environment is much less than the potential harm in leaving them in the same home with a violent teenager.

beenbizzy

A mother's intuition shouldn't be questioned.  Tell your DH it is your job to paranoid.  Switch centers and don't think another thing of it.  You will all adjust to the new center, just like you adjusted to the provider back in August.  The fact that the provider lied about this makes me even more uncomfortable. 

On a totally different note - I just noticed your name - do you live in Iowa?  What part?

alisonada

You're not being ridiculous, you know what you need to do. This is a situation where you absolutely should go with your gut (and FWIW I would do the same thing). I'm sure there will be an adjustment period, but your boys will eventually be fine. Hopefully you're 4 y/o will enjoy the classroom environment at the center and that will help with him missing preschool. Good luck with everything!

Pesky

I would go with your gut on this one.  I would always say "DD has an infection and I'm taking her to the pedi" and DH would say I was paranoid.  90% of the time I was right.  A more than imperfect comparison but the lesson is, your gut instinct is usually right.  I would have the same reaction (one of the reasons I didn't opt for in-home providers) and would yank the kids out of there without looking back.  The good thing is you can cite the center's speech help as your reason.  GL!!!

mrsnewlywed2005

ditto pp.  your dc is not safe in that environment.

tiff16

That's one of the benefits of a center.  The director has interviewed and screened their employees.  You're not being paranoid!  Tell the current provider that the center works better for your family and leave on good terms.  Your kids will need some time to adjust but it's the right move.