am i alone?

mcintyr1

I really really REALLY wanted my baby, but i'm afraid that i don't love him like i should. He was born at 35 weeks and i remember crying the whole way to the hospital when i knew he was going to be premature. I was so afraid for him. But the second he was born and I could feel his body leave mine i felt nothing. They took him away to the nicu and i feigned concern. I had to remind myself to ask about him. I didn't get to see him for almost four hours and i honestly didn't care. I kept thinking "what's wrong with me?!" over and over again. How could i not love my own baby?!  People talk about this wave of incredible maternal love that washes over them during the birth and I just didn't feel anything like that. I thought that maybe it would happen later... a few days, a week maybe. He's almost 11 months old now and while it's gotten better, i still don't feel like i love him. I've spoken to my husband about it and he agrees with me that i don't seem to be depressed. Could this be a symptom of PPD? Could i have PPD and not seemed depressed? Do other people feel like this?

I'm getting to the point where i'm afraid that it's affecting the way i parent him. I don't have as much patience with him as i feel like i could/would if i had this deep well of maternal love for him. I don't really enjoy parenting him. I get angry with him over things that i think other mom's don't get angry about (ie not napping when i think he should, not eating when i think he's hungry, etc). I've never ever done anything to harm him or neglect him in anyway. I just need some reassurance i guess, or confirmation that i need to go to counseling.

My biggest concern is that I don't want him to ever feel like i don't love him. That would really mess him up. I don't want him to ever feel like that and I'm afraid that as he gets older he's going to figure it out and hate me. 

katieh1017

I have PPD (under control now with meds) and I had a similiar type of feeling but I was definitely depressed. I felt like I wasn't bonding with her, I didn't feel that gushy/maternal likeness towards her that I expected to. I did have patience but I cried A LOT. It was more like I was just going through the motions of taking care of her but I really had a feeling of that I didn't "like" her. I  also at times just didn't want to take care of her, although I did. She had colic and reflux and cried pretty much for 2 months. I think that may have had something to do with it, but I have also suffered with depression before.

I too didn't get to see my baby or hold my baby but for a few minutes after she was born. I had an infection during labor and she swallowed meconium so she had to be treated. I had her at 10:30pm and didn't get her in my room until almost 3am. I also didn't want an epi, wanted to BF... those things didn't work out how I planned either.

With all that said, I would contact your OB or GP and get a referral to a therapist. For me, talking to someone about how I was feeling really helped me. Everyone is different in how they handle things and their feelings so you shouldn't feel bad or compare yourself to what others say you will feel. I hope you feel better soon!

emnoahmom

katieh1017:

. Everyone is different in how they handle things and their feelings so you shouldn't feel bad or compare yourself to what others say you will feel. 

 

This! We all have expectations about what it's going to be like once the baby comes and it's hardly ever what we think. I believe talking to your doctor is a great first step. Really bonding with your baby can take some time, it's a big adjustment, don't feel bad. You are being a great mommy just by acknowledging these feelings and wanting to change them to become happier feelings:)

tidetravel

Failure to bond is ABSOLUTELY a symptom of PPD.  After the birth of my twins, I felt exactly the same way that you did.  I half-jokingly asked my husband one day if one could "have PPD and not be depressed?"

I want you to read one of the first entries on my quickly abandoned blog (I had intended on blogging my experience w/ PPD, but I was so exhausted and confused and hurting that I couldn't keep up with it.)  It describes almost exactly what you are feeling.  You ARE NOT alone.  Please, at the very least, speak with a professional about your feelings.  If he/she recommends medication, do not be afraid or ashamed to try it.  Do not doubt that you love your son. The fact that you are questioning your feelings shows that you love him very much.

https://tideslongroadhome.blogspot.com/2011/08/backstory.html