Have you ever.....?

butterfly2119

Have you ever been so caught up in your grief that you wish the whole thing just never happened? So you could be that happy careless person you once were? But then feel guilty for ever having thought that or mad at your self? You would never want that precious baby to not ever have been apart of your life. Even if it was such a short time you were just glad you had that chance to see that gorgeous face (and in some cases got to know that baby for a little bit) and then realize that grief is really a deep love? You wouldn't be mad at the world/ jealous of happy people/ crying and sometimes feeling like your drowned in a hole if it wasn't love. You love this person so much that you feel this way. Everyone has always told me nothing compares til you have a baby and its an endless unconditional love that is just so deep. I hope I make sense.

 

I had at one point wished the whole thing just never happened. But then I was so mad at myself for ever even thinking that. I love my daughter. I wish she could have stayed longer. How could I ever have even thought that. My life has been "beautifully broken" ever since her because of love. I love this tiny person so much that I'm so miserable.

jbranden12

Beautifully written. Yes, there are times when I can't believe this happened to us and I look at how we've struggled and think what it would be like if we had just suffered with IF for this year rather than get pg and lose her. But I know that regardless of the trouble we are having now, DH and I have NEVER been happier than we were during those 7 months with her. The deep love and connection we felt was for her, and for each other. I grieve for both.

Carolee

I've been there.  There were times when I wished I had never been pregnant, but then I always felt horribly guilty afterward.  I love Eliott with all my heart, and although I never really got the chance to know him, I do cherish the short time that I had with him.  Your post is beautifully written.  Big (((HUGS))).

pottermommy

Your words are very true, all of them.  I wish I could say no, that I never thought that, but I would be lying to you.

I wonder if I would be the same person I was before she died if she had never been born.  I liked who I was when she was here, I was fun and happy and bubbly and just full of life.  I was not the crazy 21 year old sorority girl of a few years before but I was still exuberant and silly. 

That isn't me anymore, I liked that version of me.  If she had never died I might still be like that, or was it her birth that made me that person...I think about all of the things that could be different and wonder if I could be a happy person without ever having known her. And the answer is simple.

Yes, I might have been that happy person, but I would not have been me.  I would have been someone different on a different road and the things that I do like about myself today, I have her to thank for.  My ability to see past a hardend face and question what made it hard, the fact that from hundreds of miles away I can say that I feel your pain and wish I could shoulder it for you. 

Kamryn made me into the person that I should be, a better person than I would be without her.  Would my life have been easier, less painful?  Yes I am certain that it would have been but it wouldn't have been as fulfilling either and I am happy to say that even through the pain that is laying heavy on me right now, I have experienced true joy and happiness and she was the reason for it. 

 

OSUWifey09

I'm struggling with those feelings right now. I have those moments when I would give anything to not have to go through this, feel like this; but then, that means I wouldn't have my angel baby, and the thought of that just makes me feel even more awful. I know I won't be the same anymore, but my life is better because Devon was in it - even if it was just for a short time. 

Bayberry12

pottermommy:

Your words are very true, all of them.  I wish I could say no, that I never thought that, but I would be lying to you.

I wonder if I would be the same person I was before she died if she had never been born.  I liked who I was when she was here, I was fun and happy and bubbly and just full of life.  I was not the crazy 21 year old sorority girl of a few years before but I was still exuberant and silly. 

That isn't me anymore, I liked that version of me.  If she had never died I might still be like that, or was it her birth that made me that person...I think about all of the things that could be different and wonder if I could be a happy person without ever having known her. And the answer is simple.

Yes, I might have been that happy person, but I would not have been me.  I would have been someone different on a different road and the things that I do like about myself today, I have her to thank for.  My ability to see past a hardend face and question what made it hard, the fact that from hundreds of miles away I can say that I feel your pain and wish I could shoulder it for you. 

Kamryn made me into the person that I should be, a better person than I would be without her.  Would my life have been easier, less painful?  Yes I am certain that it would have been but it wouldn't have been as fulfilling either and I am happy to say that even through the pain that is laying heavy on me right now, I have experienced true joy and happiness and she was the reason for it. 

 

 

Pottermommy you said this so well.  There were days I cried and questioned why would this happen to me?  If I was going to loose the baby, I wished that I had had another miscarriage because having a full term baby die was unbearable.  Why did I have to feel her move inside me?  Why did I have to find out she was a girl?  Why did I have to have a baby shower and paint a nursery and wash baby clothes and stock up on diapers? Why?

Those 9 months were the best 9 months of my life, but honestly, I would give up those 9 months to not have this pain.  I do feel horrible saying that, but my heart is so heavy and I am not a happy person anymore. Things were going to be so different, and It's hard to imagine them getting better.  Yes, it would have been so much easier if it never happened.  Maybe someday, I will have a better acceptance of that pregnancy and her death, but right now it is so hard.   

jbranden12

Bayberry12:

Those 9 months were the best 9 months of my life, but honestly, I would give up those 9 months to not have this pain.  I do feel horrible saying that, but my heart is so heavy and I am not a happy person anymore. Things were going to be so different, and It's hard to imagine them getting better.  Yes, it would have been so much easier if it never happened.  Maybe someday, I will have a better acceptance of that pregnancy and her death, but right now it is so hard.   

Bayberry I am so sorry you are having such a rough time. You don't have to feel bad for saying what you are feeling, we can ALL relate to it. ((BIG HUGS))

pottermommy

Bayberry12:

Those 9 months were the best 9 months of my life, but honestly, I would give up those 9 months to not have this pain.  I do feel horrible saying that, but my heart is so heavy and I am not a happy person anymore. Things were going to be so different, and It's hard to imagine them getting better.  Yes, it would have been so much easier if it never happened.  Maybe someday, I will have a better acceptance of that pregnancy and her death, but right now it is so hard.   

Do not apologize for how you feel.  We understand, we do.  There is nothing wrong with not wanting to feel this pain.  It is enough to stop your world and place it in a standstill.  No one wants to feel it and no one would choose this life.  You aren't alone.

Remember that we are all on the same journey but in very different places of the road.  Your feelings and thoughts are valid and understandable and I comend you for sharing them.  You have no reason to feel bad about how you feel.