Teaching social skills question

macchiatto

What do you do if you have a shy pre-schooler who's downright mean to others when uncomfortable in social situations? One of my boys has always been somewhat shy (though sometimes he warms up quickly and turns on the charm). He'll never say hi to people unless it's someone he knows REALLY well, and it takes him a while to warm up. Lately he's getting more sort of hostile about it though; if someone says hi or tries to gently make conversation with him, he'll say, "NO! Don't talk to me!" or something like that.

How do you handle situations like that? I've talked (like before we go meet someone) about what we say to people, how if they say "hi" we say "hi" back, that it's OK to feel shy but we don't want to say mean things like "Don't talk to me" because that might make them feel sad, etc. Or I'll suggest something simple for him to say in response, or model by giving my own response. I try not to be high-pressure about it but also not letting him get away with being mean/rude about it. Other suggestions? I feel like it's getting worse instead of better as he gets older.

LoveEeyore

I definitely think the teaching part needs to be in a safe place, receptive time.

But when it occurs, I wouldn't address it with him or make him apologize, it just gives him a chance to offend again.  I would say "Fred, the boy is trying to invite you to play."  (turn to child) "I'm very sorry he was very rude to you; he is shy and learning to talk nicely to friends." 

Initially I wouldn't consequate it but let him get used to the other child receiving your attention. 

As for teaching, you could use role play- have ds observe an appropriate reponse and praise and cheer.  Then role play his response.  Then talk about it.  This is better to do in the morning before he's had a chance to do it.  I also think before you enter a social situation reading a story to him- you can draw it- like this: 

"My name is Fred and I am very shy.  Sometimes a grown up says hi or waves to me and it makes me feel anxious.  I may go to my mommy for help.  I can give her my "shy sign and she will help me.  I will not be rude.

Sometimes kids talk to me at the library or playground.  It makes me feel anxious.  I say mean words.  That is not okay.  If I feel shy and need help I will wave or smile and give mommy my shy sign."  When I feel anxious, I can breathe 1.2.3.  When I feel anxious I can ask my mommy for a hug.  I will not be rude.

Today we are going to ______.  I will use my shy sign, my calm strategies and kind words.  I will not be rude.  I will feel proud.  Mommy and Daddy will feel proud.

Now as for a shy sign you can look up the ASL sign or work together to come up with a fun secret symbol.  Your goal is to first stop the behavior that is most negatively affecting others around him.  While working on that, practice calming techniques.  This way you are giving him a more pro-social skill and addressing the cause of it.  Be sure to make it clear shy is okay, you think shy is adorable on him, but the rude behavior is not.

I would also consider finding ways to set up practice with Mommy and me classes.  Also you can look into speech-language practices in your area and enroll him in a social skills play group.  My daughter attends one as peer model.  She thinks it is fun and even has picked up a few manners, too!

macchiatto

That's very helpful; thank you so much!
He does also have an Early Interventionist who still comes twice a month to do "family training," and an itinerant SN preschool teacher who comes for an hour once a week so I might mention this to them as well and see if they want to work on it in sessions to help reinforce? (His delays are mostly gross motor--though he also had OT and feeding therapy that he has graduated from in the last few months--and he is on track in speech but he's had some social issues, too.) I will look into a social skills play group, too, and they'll be starting preschool again next week which I think will help. Thanks for all the great suggestions! That makes a lot of sense.

Also--his twin is very outgoing. Would you focus on reinforcing his friendliness as well and referencing him as a peer model? I'm a little wary of not wanting Alex to feel bad because so many things come easily to Will (like gross motor skills) and not to Alex. And then of course people will say things like, "Oh, so Will's the friendly one and Alex is the shy one?"

Jen&Len

DS does the same thing and will shout, "No, I don't want to" if we ask him to say "hi" back.  We've started telling him that if he does not want to say "hi" back, he can just wave or high 5 (which he will generally do without a problem) instead.

DD is a little more social and sometimes if she's there and says "hi" back, he'll follow suit and do the same.

macchiatto

-auntie-:

What the previous poster described is a "Social Story". This trademarked strategy is often used to teach appropriate behaviors and flexible thinking to higher functioning kids on the autism spectrum who share this sort of anxiety drive frank-to-the-point-of-rude behavior.

This site can help you understand it-

https://www.thegraycenter.org/social-stories

He may not have the social or emotional maturity to learn from his well developing twin as a peer model at this point which would require you to teach this in a more rote manner perhaps by giving him scripts yo use to replace his unexpected and somewhat rude responses.

Thanks for the link and info! I have heard of Social Stories before but didn't know a lot about them. He is definitely a more anxious kid, and is on the (year-long) waiting list to see a developmental pedi, which I'm hoping will help give us a better understanding if there's anything underlying his multiple delays, sensory issues, anxiety, and tendency toward rigidity (with a random tonic-clonic seizure at 22m thrown in for good measure).

LoveEeyore

Hmm.  I would be careful- with so many people working on it, if they all tske different approaches it could confuse the issue.  Additionally, if it IS anxiety, I personally feel at this age that it isn't necessary to "expose the belly and go for the kill."  Meaning having everyone exposing and "fixing" an issue that causes anxiety.  He's still little.  You are safe. 

I think it's great to say "I'm doing this with him.  If you notice this behavior, please let me know." But even with kids I have in6 therapies, 40 hours a week, I beg parents to focus on emotional safety.  Anxiety is delicate and volatile.  Mishandled can result in retreat, or escalate behavior- ie- punching a kid who comes near him.  Mommy is typically the safe person and the best judge of his comfort and when to push for growth and when not to for preservation.  Teachers and therapists can be well intentioned but focused on fixing it.  Sometimes anxiety needs mommy's mama-lion protective guidance rather than therapy, you know?

I wouln't use the twin other than to praise when he uses kind words.  My own DS had speech, ot and pt.  It was like his twin kinda stole some of his skills in the womb.  Other than having the same rules for kindness, safety and hygiene, I focused on letting their sibling relationship guide their interactions. 

When I get commentss like that I smile and say "they are more alike than different when it really comes down to it," and dismiss.  Even if meant as an astute observation, as they get older, they will hear themselves being labelled.

 Gotta go feed my LOs.  I'll let  you know if I think of more.

macchiatto

Lots of good food for thought. Thanks for your insights, and I knew you'd have personal insight into the twin factor, too! I didn't remember one of your twins had therapies as well, but Alex's PT and I have also commented on something similar with our guys, since Will is unusually athletic and strong for his age while Alex has hypotonia and poor coordination; Will is almost too daring while Alex is quite cautious, etc.

LoveEeyore

macchiatto:

Lots of good food for thought. Thanks for your insights, and I knew you'd have personal insight into the twin factor, too! I didn't remember one of your twins had therapies as well, but Alex's PT and I have also commented on something similar with our guys, since Will is unusually athletic and strong for his age while Alex has hypotonia and poor coordination; Will is almost too daring while Alex is quite cautious, etc.

No problem.  DS was 14 months language delayed at 23 months.  Because of my relationships in the county, as an advocate, former teacher, and I had provided training for some of their service providers, I think they were very aggressive with their findings.  The speech is what I wanted.  They found hy[otonia and balance and other issues physically. His teacher complained about his coordination being well behind peers. He had some health issues as a baby. He probably could have done without PT but she really helped me a lot with building a gym in the basement for his specific issues.  He also had some rigidity, but that improved as his language did. Doesn't help that I'm a check list and chart queen and use them with the kids all the time! 

Interesting, Adeline is very coordinated and daring too.  Was home 40 minutes from ER to get stiitches and she was trying the same stunt that put her there.  John is cautious.  Would still be nursing and tucked in a sling if I let him.  So curious.  BTW my oldest DD is named Alex too!

macchiatto

That is interesting! And you have great taste in names.
I have also found myself wondering if their experiences in utero helped shape this at all ... like Alex has proprioreceptive and spatial awareness issues and some other related stuff, and I've wondered if getting pushed around so much in utero had any influence on that. Maybe that sounds crazy, but that poor kid did put up with a lot before he was even born.

LoveEeyore

oh I hadn't thought of that.  Adeline was on my right side and Johnwas right next to her- my left side was unoccupied- he was mostly at my belly button and against her.  Toward the end when I was going to the high risk doc, the nurses always asked me to walk in a circle to laugh at how lopsided I was (all in good fun).  When he came home from Nicu at nearly 2 weeks, he always squirmed to be against her.  Interesting thought!

 

macchiatto

Interesting! I had one on the right and one on the left. There was a loooot of pushing and shoving back and forth though. It seemed like there was always kicking going on during u/s, or somebody sitting on someone else's head ...