WWYD: 1st Bday Party

laurenac

So I know we still have some months to go before January ...but time seems to be flying these days so DS birthday is on my mind.

Im torn between having a low key, just a few family members from both sides to celebrate or if we should extend it out a bit more to additional relatives and close friends.

If we do a small gathering we will host the party here. Our house layout is very closed off and horrible for entertaining groups larger than 6-8 people. We tend to have summer parties to make use of our backyard, but that does no good during a snowy winter.

Heres my issue with a larger party. My DH suggests we host at his parents house. We would pay for all food, drink, decor and of course set it all up. Also, most of the guests would be his family (my family is so tiny- my parents and a few friends) so guests would, for the most part, be comfortable at this venue.

Here is my concern. MIL is a control freak. And obsessed with my DS. I can see it now. She will be the one helping him open gifts. Blowing out candles, etc. She will hog him up and won't let others hold him - including me. When we've been in similar situations at family parties and I ask to take DS from her for a minute- for whatever reason she makes a scene. I tend to just let her have her way to avoid drama, but all it gets me is walked all over.

I feel like she would be less overbearing if it was held somewhere neutral, so I was thinking of renting out space in a restaurant. DH doesn't want to spend a lot of money so he's not crazy about this idea.  

So...what would you do?? Small party at my house? Party there with me fighting for control? Rent space? Something different?

Thanks for reading this novel! And thanks for your feedback, too  

 

 

raefre

whats to prevent MIL from acting the same at your place?

laurenac

She will tone it down a bit because she won't feel like she is running the show as much over here. She still will be a pain, but not as difficult.

Kattank12

laurenac:

Here is my concern. MIL is a control freak. And obsessed with my DS. I can see it now. She will be the one helping him open gifts. Blowing out candles, etc. She will hog him up and won't let others hold him - including me. When we've been in similar situations at family parties and I ask to take DS from her for a minute- for whatever reason she makes a scene. I tend to just let her have her way to avoid drama, but all it gets me is walked all over.

I think your husband needs to talk to his mother about her behavior. My husband talked to his mother BEFORE I had our DS because we knew she would be just like your MIL. So she never just grabs our DS without asking one of us first. She is still pretty overbearing in general, but she knows not to overstep with DS or my husband will tell her to back off.

If your husband talks to your MIL then I say your issues with her should get better. And I would just have the party at your house or a friend's house, not your ILs.

namara5532

My vote is for the rented space.  If you have a good number of people you want at the party, get a space big enough that doesn't make you feel like you're surrendering control.

laurenac

Kattank12:

laurenac:

Here is my concern. MIL is a control freak. And obsessed with my DS. I can see it now. She will be the one helping him open gifts. Blowing out candles, etc. She will hog him up and won't let others hold him - including me. When we've been in similar situations at family parties and I ask to take DS from her for a minute- for whatever reason she makes a scene. I tend to just let her have her way to avoid drama, but all it gets me is walked all over.

I think your husband needs to talk to his mother about her behavior. My husband talked to his mother BEFORE I had our DS because we knew she would be just like your MIL. So she never just grabs our DS without asking one of us first. She is still pretty overbearing in general, but she knows not to overstep with DS or my husband will tell her to back off.

If your husband talks to your MIL then I say your issues with her should get better. And I would just have the party at your house or a friend's house, not your ILs.

My DH is great about pretty much everything, except this. He's stood up to her once or twice...but usually backs down. He then always asks me if I could "be the bigger person" since his Mom will never change 

laurenac

namara5532:

My vote is for the rented space.  If you have a good number of people you want at the party, get a space big enough that doesn't make you feel like you're surrendering control.

Thanks. I think it won't hurt to start looking into this option. I really think it might end up this way. We found a great deal but it's 40 minutes away and with potential winter weather we need to find something closer. Off to call more locations... 

laurenac

LibraryChica:

I would rent a place or have a small party at your house. As for being the bigger person, my line would be this. "Talk to your mother or I'll be the bigger person elsewhere and you can take LO to visit alone."

 I might have to try that!

bigbear

I feel your pain regarding MIL. My DH also has a problem with telling them how it is. But this really needs to be addressed. I like LibraryChicka's suggestion!

So given all the circumstances I think the rented place would be a good idea.

Also I wanted to add that I noticed at my nephe's b-day party last year how DHs cousin's kids were "helping" opening presents. Mind you they are 10 and 7 and nephew was turning 2 so. In any case the parents just didn't tell the boys to back off and basically poor nephew didn't get to really open his presents or get the feel of it's HIS bday. I got sooo pi$sed off but it wasn't my place to say anything.

We are very close to DHs cousin and his wife so they will be there for DDs birthday but since I don't agree with them allowing the boys to do this (and they did notice that my SIL nor anybody else was ok with this) I plan to say this when it's time to open presents:

"Thanks everyone for coming out! It's time for Z to open her presents so I'd like to ask everyone to take their seats so we can watch her open her gifts. (then, more as a joke but to bring my point out I'll say) And I know it's very tempting to want to help her out open her gifts, but she's a big girl and can do it herself and mommy and daddy will be there to help out if need be." OR SOMETHING LIKE THIS.

but you know what I mean. This way, it's not directed at anybody specificaly but everybody knows to back the F off...

Maybe something like that would work???

shortstuff15

Honestly, I would do whatever it is that is best for you and your husband to agree on.  I personally hate the huge, over the top birthday parties for the first birthday.  The kid could care less and most often it just results in a breakdown for the kid anyway.  We won't do friend parties until school age - so that would be the 5th birthday.  Until then it will be family only, and for us that means my parents & 2 of my 3 siblings because that is who lives close.  If my husbands parents and siblings want to come up for my kids birthdays (they live 7+ hours away) they will be welcome but I won't be arranging a party just so they can be here.

Lhand11

Wow. I could have written this verbatim.

laurenac

lilnightmusic:

Let's be real.  First birthdays are most definitely for the PARENTS not the kid. So whatever you do, do what you'll be able to get the most enjoyment out of.  If going to MIL's is going to be a death pit of anxiety and angst don't go there.  If there are a lot of other small kids around, you could do Chuck E Cheese and make it super easy, or some sort of similar venue where people can do their thing and you can do your thing with LO.

My DS is the only kiddo or else a Chuck E Cheese venue would make sense and be perfect. You are totally right about the party being for the parents at this age. That's why I think I am over thinking and starting to freak out, I really want to enjoy the day 

laurenac

Lhand11:

Wow. I could have written this verbatim.

Lh, what are you doing for LOs birthday? 

raefre

laurenac:

She will tone it down a bit because she won't feel like she is running the show as much over here. She still will be a pain, but not as difficult.

Then I vote your place.  

Only reason I like having events at MIL's house is the ability to leave when I want.

aboynamedbarry

I agree that you should consider having your husband talk to her about this... band aids don't work in situations like this... they usually require confrontation.

As for where to have it, maybe a community center if you have one? Or a friends house? We go to a church and there is a large house that is available for anyone to use for hosting parties get togethers showers whatever, not sure if you have anything like that

Lhand11

laurenac:

Lhand11:

Wow. I could have written this verbatim.

Lh, what are you doing for LOs birthday? 

Avoiding the topic like the plague
I don't know.. It stresses me to think about it.

SoonToBeMsP

Personally I'm going the small party route. If we invited everyone we'd want (family, friends) it would be 40-50 people. That seems crazy for a 1st birthday party, so we are sticking to just immediate family... or about 25 people.

MrsAMB07

I also could have written the entire first part of your post word.for.word. We did a bigger first birthday for DS with extended family - aunts, uncles, etc. in our yard with tents and prayed for warm weather (November). It was a freakish warm day. We totally lucked out. Since then we've done smaller immediate family birthdays until he's old enough for friends' parties. No chance of that in January, however.

We're looking into renting a space. Nothing fancy or over the top, just honesty an empty space to accommodate our families. I justified it to myself because we had her Baptism in June outside in our yard instead of at a restaurant. So I'm really just exchanging one party for the other. Next year we'll go back so a more modest, immediate family party. 

 

taurus424

I say smaller is better. Then you can stay at your own home. I'm not sure we are doing a separate party from Christmas. DS was born jan 4 so we may just sing on Christmas. Everyone is already together and the weather is so unpredictable. Keep it simple. Less crowd less clean up less trouble......now your MIL is another issue. Sorry cant help there!