Sweet DH of mine: vent

Mitzi Bishi

I know IF puts a strain on all things and I must say I think my husband and I are handling this nearly as well as we can.

My big issue is that I feel like I will research things, push for some conversation, and I feel like I'm getting shut down a lot or he'll negate the things I've learned. This is all really frustrating, because I know he's dealing with the MFI end and how emasculating that is, but I also have the feeling if I don't push for more decisiveness on his end that we're not going to progress at all. Obviously after transferring 5 blasts and with 4million sperm, a "surprise" isn't going to just happen. He agrees with all of this and then it's the same thing again and again. 

If we're not going to be parents anytime soon then I'd really like to invest myself in some kind of new career. When I ask left or right he usually says, "Mitzi, I am not deciding for you what you should do with your life." It frustrates me to no end. 

The odd thing is that I'd venture to say he wants to be a parent more than I do, so I would think he'd be eager to keep things rolling... especially if we could theoretically need more drastic time eating measures (adoption or gestational surr.)

To make matters worse we are looking to move back to the US where I'd have more opportunities for both IF and a career. We need to get out of here after all we've been through with the IF and lack of cookie cutter treatment alone. 

Be honest, am I being a nagging wife? After I typed this out I feel like I could be. 

Has anyone else found something to help get through the IF/DH communication struggles? 

vanessagorc

I found my dh to be almost paralyzed by all of the decisions to be made. He wanted a baby, and all he could think of was to power thru. He wanted to do a fresh Ivf every cycle. That's just not going to work...we had more than bad luck.

Our clinic had a good therapist, so we saw her and she was great. She told him a few things straight. Like "u can't tell ur wife how to feel".

In the end, I had to guide our treatment. I was essentially the boss. I gave him some tasks...dealing w sa's and his uro, and dealing with billing. I made every treatment decision. I just bulldozed over him lol. He didn't want to do this fet. I just called and scheduled it. It worked. Of course he was thrillled.

My point is, we can't make them people they are not. Not every dh will be the same. I wouldn't worry about being bossy/pushy... Sometime that's what they need.

MandaS08

IF is hard.  I know my husband is iffy on doing more treatment since we did get a surprise pregnancy on our own-but I'm just not willing to bet on that happening again.

At the end of the day my DH pretty my defers to me, since I am the one doing the research and its my body that has to go through the brunt of everything.  Sometimes I wish he would he would act like he had more of an opinion, but honestly, if he disagreed with me I would just try to change his mind.

I don't feel like you're nagging-you just aren't content to just float along and wait things out.

mtlaurel

Mitzi, You know I'm right there with you. You're not being a nagging wife, you're understandably seeking more partnership in these difficult decisions and endeavors. Even if they can't help us make decisions, it would be nice if our Hs would validate them from time to time - and not just after a BFN.

I think my DH is very wary of having me resent him over IF decisions, so much so that he refuses to guide our choices. I'm not sure why it doesn't sink in with him that his lack of participation only breeds resentment on my part, but it just doesn't. On the other hand, I'm wary of causing resentment in him by making every decision independently... It's a no-win situation.

Keep trying, and know that you're not just being a nag and you're certainly not alone. 

MBfromBMC

My DH is really sweet, but he is also very timid with decision making. He is actually diagnosed with social anxiety disorder and, though he has grown so much since we were teenagers, sometimes he really just wants me to be strong and take the lead. I think that's why he married me ; .

Naturally, I'm with you and I want more feedback and more input than DH wants to give, but I think sometimes that this is how we both deal with IF: he pulls back a little and I push him for reassurance that I'm doing the right thing.

The only thing I can say us that If your DH is anything like mine, he gets overwhelmed by the big questions and is afraid to say the wrong thing.

Huge hugs and I hope you guys can agree on a plan for the near future that makes you both happy. IF is really hard and you're not nagging him if you're asking him for input. These are huge decisions and you need to make them together!

Mitzi Bishi

Thanks for all of the responses. I know the side serving to hashing out the IF issues is also dealing with how/when/why of it all. It's so exhausting. 

I feel so much anxiety over the time slipping through my fingers and having to reconstruct in my mind what my life is going to be. I'm hoping once we know where we're going to be living we can make a little bit of progress from there.

We just got back from a trip and as soon as we get back I feel the anxiousness creeping up. 

Gregermis

((hugs))  Not sure I can be of much help.  DH is pretty much a "this is your show" kinda guy these days.  He only pipes up when there is something he thinks is "stupid" like doing a test my doc doesn't agree with, but clearly some other REs do.  I agree, very frustrating. 

rockpaperlove

You are not a nag or hag or whatever else.  I think there is a lot of pressure and stress upon ourselves as individuals as well as couples while dealing with ups and downs of infertility. 

I feel that even the most rational of us all is bound to "clash" with his or her partner at some given point while attempting to sort through the "details". There are so many various coping mechanisms going on at different times, then you throw everyday life on top of it all...that all creates a heep of icing on the burnt IF cake! 

My DH is basically along for the ride.  Every once in a while he throws me a bone and adds his thoughts or input or (omg - shocker)...asks a question at an appointment, but like some of the PP mentioned, it is sort of my show and he is along for the ride as my supporter...and that, for the most part, is okay. 

Although, it did piss me off earlier this week when he asked me if I needed him to sit in on the telephone consult next week.  Umm, YES - ASS!  I didn't actually say that, but I did give a stern yes - want you there - please.

Long story short - you are not alone.  It can be tough at times.

joules12

It is, in a way, comforting to read all of your posts here.  So many of your comments echo my situation with MH.  It often makes this whole process even more frustrating and exhausting.  This is a big reason for my current anxiety about "what do we do now" -- I know that all the researching of second opinions and DE, not to mention most of the decision-making will be all on me.  Argh!

No real point to my post, other than to echo the sentiment that you definitely are not alone.  Thanks for sharing your concerns about this...because it definitely has helped me a bit to know that I'm not alone!

Jlynn3

joules12:

It is, in a way, comforting to read all of your posts here.  So many of your comments echo my situation with MH.  It often makes this whole process even more frustrating and exhausting. 

So true. 

A huge part of the break we took was bc I knew DH wasn't on the same page as me.  Yes, he wants a child, but the IF treatments are a lot for him to push thru... and a big part of that he tells me is seeing what it does to me.  I can understand that.