Sweet DH of mine: vent — The Bump
Infertility Veterans

Sweet DH of mine: vent

I know IF puts a strain on all things and I must say I think my husband and I are handling this nearly as well as we can.

My big issue is that I feel like I will research things, push for some conversation, and I feel like I'm getting shut down a lot or he'll negate the things I've learned. This is all really frustrating, because I know he's dealing with the MFI end and how emasculating that is, but I also have the feeling if I don't push for more decisiveness on his end that we're not going to progress at all. Obviously after transferring 5 blasts and with 4million sperm, a "surprise" isn't going to just happen. He agrees with all of this and then it's the same thing again and again. 

If we're not going to be parents anytime soon then I'd really like to invest myself in some kind of new career. When I ask left or right he usually says, "Mitzi, I am not deciding for you what you should do with your life." It frustrates me to no end. 

The odd thing is that I'd venture to say he wants to be a parent more than I do, so I would think he'd be eager to keep things rolling... especially if we could theoretically need more drastic time eating measures (adoption or gestational surr.)

To make matters worse we are looking to move back to the US where I'd have more opportunities for both IF and a career. We need to get out of here after all we've been through with the IF and lack of cookie cutter treatment alone. 

Be honest, am I being a nagging wife? After I typed this out I feel like I could be. 

Has anyone else found something to help get through the IF/DH communication struggles? 

(Live in Europe) TTC since 1/2010

Re: Sweet DH of mine: vent

  • I found my dh to be almost paralyzed by all of the decisions to be made. He wanted a baby, and all he could think of was to power thru. He wanted to do a fresh Ivf every cycle. That's just not going to work...we had more than bad luck.

    Our clinic had a good therapist, so we saw her and she was great. She told him a few things straight. Like "u can't tell ur wife how to feel".

    In the end, I had to guide our treatment. I was essentially the boss. I gave him some tasks...dealing w sa's and his uro, and dealing with billing. I made every treatment decision. I just bulldozed over him lol. He didn't want to do this fet. I just called and scheduled it. It worked. Of course he was thrillled.

    My point is, we can't make them people they are not. Not every dh will be the same. I wouldn't worry about being bossy/pushy... Sometime that's what they need.
    TTC 12/2009 Dx Severe MFI/azoo 6/2010

    IVF 1 (long lupron): mc 7w4d, D&C 11/23/10

    IVF 2 (antagonist w co cultures): cancelled 2x due to no sperm

    IVF 2.2: ER 6/9/11 3dt of 2 (1 frostie :), BFN

    IVF 3 (EPP w co cultures): 9/2011 (cancelled, irregular pap) LEEP 9/2011

    IVF 3.1 (11/2011) EPP w co cultures: 3dt of 3- BFN Again

    Natural sFET 1/2012: -ET of the "lone wolf (Wolfie)" 1/29

    Beta 2/8 BFP!! Betas: 119 @14dpo, 388 @16dpo, HB 6w2d 131!!

    dx GD @ 28 wks, insulin dependent

    *s/paif always welcome*

    <img src="http://tinyurl.com/2b6e86g
    "width="200px"><img src="http://tinyurl.com/77em8mz

    Can't wait to meet Wolfie!!!

  • IF is hard.  I know my husband is iffy on doing more treatment since we did get a surprise pregnancy on our own-but I'm just not willing to bet on that happening again.

    At the end of the day my DH pretty my defers to me, since I am the one doing the research and its my body that has to go through the brunt of everything.  Sometimes I wish he would he would act like he had more of an opinion, but honestly, if he disagreed with me I would just try to change his mind.

    I don't feel like you're nagging-you just aren't content to just float along and wait things out.

    TTC since 5/2010
    DX with Diminished Ovarian Reserve - AMH of 1.1 - 7/2011; AMH of .42 8/2012
    BFP 9/1/10-M/C confirmed 9/8/10-Methotrexate 10/6/10
    IUI #1 (w/clomid)-9/5/11-BFN ; IUI #2 (w/clomid)-10/5/11 - BFP - 11/1/12-No sac seen; 11/2/11 and 11/9/11-Methotrexate 
    IVF #1- ER 2/2; ET 2/5;-Two 8 cell embryos transfered = BFFN
    Surprise BFP - 5/7/12
    U/S on 6/8/12 - H/B at 128 BPM; U/S on 6/14/12 @ 9wks-No H/B-D&C on 6/17/12
    IVF 2.0- ER 10/17; ET 10/20-One 12 cell, one 10 cell and one 8 cell embryo transfered
    BFP!   11/16/12 U/S- Two nuggets with perfect heartbeats! EDD 7/10/13


    5/31/2013- My miracles arrived at 34w2d!  Welcome to the world Harper and Nolan!Lilypie First Birthday tickers

    My Blog- http://waitingonaangel.wordpress.com/

    Image and video hosting by TinyPic

  • Loading the player...
  • Mitzi, You know I'm right there with you. You're not being a nagging wife, you're understandably seeking more partnership in these difficult decisions and endeavors. Even if they can't help us make decisions, it would be nice if our Hs would validate them from time to time - and not just after a BFN.

    I think my DH is very wary of having me resent him over IF decisions, so much so that he refuses to guide our choices. I'm not sure why it doesn't sink in with him that his lack of participation only breeds resentment on my part, but it just doesn't. On the other hand, I'm wary of causing resentment in him by making every decision independently... It's a no-win situation.

    Keep trying, and know that you're not just being a nag and you're certainly not alone. 

    TTC #1 since June 2010
    Me: 36, DH: 42
    Dx: DOR and MFI

    DH: low count + very low motility; hormones all normal; Sperm DNA Frag. test = poor to fair; male karyotyping normal
    Me: FSH 13.4 + AMH 0.26 + hypothyroidism; Scratch the hypothyrodism (?); Blood clotting and immune panel all negative; endometrial biopsy normal

    IVF #1 (MDLF - Jul/Aug 2011): BFN (9R, 5M, 3F with ICSI, 3dt of 1 10-cell grade 2, no frosties)
    IVF #2 (EP-antagonist - Sep/Oct 2011): BFN (6R, 4M, 3F w/ ICSI, 3dt of 1 6-cell, 1 7-cell, grade 4s, no frosties)
    DE IVF #1 (shared cycle - June 2012): c/p (6R, 6F w/ICSI, 3dt 1 8-cell grade A- and 1 7-cell grade A-; no frosties)
    DE IVF #2 (shared cycle with new donor - Nov/Dec/ 2012): - BFP!!!!! 12/14/12. U/S on 12/27 shows twins!!!!!

  • My DH is really sweet, but he is also very timid with decision making. He is actually diagnosed with social anxiety disorder and, though he has grown so much since we were teenagers, sometimes he really just wants me to be strong and take the lead. I think that's why he married me ; .

    Naturally, I'm with you and I want more feedback and more input than DH wants to give, but I think sometimes that this is how we both deal with IF: he pulls back a little and I push him for reassurance that I'm doing the right thing.

    The only thing I can say us that If your DH is anything like mine, he gets overwhelmed by the big questions and is afraid to say the wrong thing.

    Huge hugs and I hope you guys can agree on a plan for the near future that makes you both happy. IF is really hard and you're not nagging him if you're asking him for input. These are huge decisions and you need to make them together!

    TTC since March 2009 // Me and DH - 28
    Testing Summer/Fall 2010 - Unexplained IF
    IUIs #1-4 ~ Clomid/Ovidrel/TI/IUI ~ all BFNs
    IUI #5 ~ Femara/Ovidrel/TI/IUI ~ BFN
    IUIs #6-9 ~ Research Study Meds/Pregnyl/TI/IUI ~ all BFNs
    IVF Consultation, More Testing
    Diagnostic Cycle ~ Mucinex/Progesterone/TI ~ BFN
    IVF #1 ~ Menopur/Bravelle/Ganirelix/Novarel/Progesterone/Lupron
    7R, 6F // 2 transferred // 3 frosties ~ BFN
    FET #1 ~ Estrace/PIO/Lupron
    3 thawed // 2 transferred // 1 lost // no more frosties ~ BFP!!
    Beta #1 - 456 // Beta #2 - 1176 // Beta #3 - 2933 // Beta #4 - 6753
    EDD: May 16, 2013
    Threatened MC at 6w2d
    Bedrest for SCH // 6w2d through 10w1d
    Elevated TSH and Lazy Thyroid DX @ 10w - Started Synthroid
    Finally released from RE at 13w
    Charles Everett ~ Born 5/20/2013

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker

    ~~ My IF Blog ~~ 

  • Thanks for all of the responses. I know the side serving to hashing out the IF issues is also dealing with how/when/why of it all. It's so exhausting. 

    I feel so much anxiety over the time slipping through my fingers and having to reconstruct in my mind what my life is going to be. I'm hoping once we know where we're going to be living we can make a little bit of progress from there.

    We just got back from a trip and as soon as we get back I feel the anxiousness creeping up. 

    (Live in Europe) TTC since 1/2010
  • ((hugs))  Not sure I can be of much help.  DH is pretty much a "this is your show" kinda guy these days.  He only pipes up when there is something he thinks is "stupid" like doing a test my doc doesn't agree with, but clearly some other REs do.  I agree, very frustrating. 
    TTC #1 Since 4/2010, Cycle 30
    Positive for HLA-B27, I'm a mutant :p
    Testing - Me ok, gluten issue? DH - borderline count, low motility
    4/28/11 IUI#1 = BFP!(5/25), EDD 2/2/12 - m/c 5w3d
    7/3, 7/31, 9/25 - IUI#2-4=BFN
    IVF#1 - 1 blast = BFP!! (12/30), EDD 9/9/12, confirmed c/p 4w2d
    FET#1 3/2/12 - 2 blasts =BFP!! EDD 11/18/12, us#1 = twins! Confirmed m/c 5w6d
    4/20-surprise BFP and another c/p 4w2d
    FET#2 7/16/12 - 2 blasts = BFN
    FET#3 8/20/12 - 1 blast - BFP!! Beta #1-2=177, 354
    1st u/s 5w6d, one beautiful little HB :), 2nd u/s 146bpm
    baby girl born 5/10/13

    TTC#2 since 12/17/2014, Cycle 8
    Repeat Testing...FSH=12, AMH=3.8, AFC=28. 
    IUI#5 5/10/15- c/p?
    IVF#2 8/19/15 - cancelled due to cysts
    IVF#2 take two 10/2015 - 5 blasts frozen
    FET#4 12/11/2015 - BFN - 4 blasts remaining
    FET#5 2/18/16 - BFP!!!  Beta1-3, 126, 250, 745!!

    Image and video hosting by TinyPicLilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

    Tons of love and ((hugs)) to my IF sister NMscubagirl

  • You are not a nag or hag or whatever else.  I think there is a lot of pressure and stress upon ourselves as individuals as well as couples while dealing with ups and downs of infertility. 

    I feel that even the most rational of us all is bound to "clash" with his or her partner at some given point while attempting to sort through the "details". There are so many various coping mechanisms going on at different times, then you throw everyday life on top of it all...that all creates a heep of icing on the burnt IF cake! 

    My DH is basically along for the ride.  Every once in a while he throws me a bone and adds his thoughts or input or (omg - shocker)...asks a question at an appointment, but like some of the PP mentioned, it is sort of my show and he is along for the ride as my supporter...and that, for the most part, is okay. 

    Although, it did piss me off earlier this week when he asked me if I needed him to sit in on the telephone consult next week.  Umm, YES - ASS!  I didn't actually say that, but I did give a stern yes - want you there - please.

    Long story short - you are not alone.  It can be tough at times.

    Countless BFN(s)
    Moving to IVF

    IVF1 (ICSI): Long Lupron
    6R. 3F. 3DT. 8Cell 1Grade 2Embies. 1Frostie.
    Beta 1/22: 14 Beta 1/24: 24 Beta 1/26: 28
    Round One Result: Chemical Pregnancy

    Pressing Forward

    IVF2 (ICSI/AH/ACU): Microdose Lupron Flare
    13R. 11F. 5DT. 2TFR'ed. 1Frostie.
    Round Two Result 4/30: Harsh BFN

    FET. 2TFR'ed.
    Round Three Result 6/25: BFN
    Where do we go from here?

    Moving forward with CCRM in 2013
    ODWU revealed blocked tube(s). Lap 2/15.
    Bilateral Tubal Ligation. Stage IV Endo.
    Finally some (tough) answers.

    IVF3 (ICSI/CCS): Antagonist with EPP
    13R. We have 3 CCS Normal Embryos!

    Lupron Depot: May 2013 to August 2013
    Long awaited FET on 9/3. 2TFR'ed.
    BFP on FRER 5dp5dt: IN SHOCK!
    Beta1 9/10: 152.7! Beta2 9/12: 378! Beta3 9/14: 1224! 

    1st ultrasound 10/1: TWO beautiful heartbeats!  Overjoyed!

  • It is, in a way, comforting to read all of your posts here.  So many of your comments echo my situation with MH.  It often makes this whole process even more frustrating and exhausting.  This is a big reason for my current anxiety about "what do we do now" -- I know that all the researching of second opinions and DE, not to mention most of the decision-making will be all on me.  Argh!

    No real point to my post, other than to echo the sentiment that you definitely are not alone.  Thanks for sharing your concerns about this...because it definitely has helped me a bit to know that I'm not alone!

    TTC since honeymoon in 9/2010
    Me: 39, Dx DOR (FSH = 10.5, AMH = 0.43, best AFC = 10), AMA
    MH: 37, Dx Obstructive Azoospermia, multiple successful sperm retrieval procedures

    1/2012: IVF/ICSI #1 Antagonist = cancelled d/t poor response to max stims
    2/2012: IVF/ICSI #2 MDLF (4R, 4M, 1F) = BFP, saw heartbeat, missed m/c 9w0d, D&E
    8/2012: IVF/ICSI #3 EPP/MDLF (7R, 2M, 1F) = BFN

    12/2012: (New RE) Operative hysteroscopy to remove scar tissue

    1/2013: IVF/ICSI #4 Low-dose stim/Antagonist (AFC=6); ER=1/26 (5R-couldn't access rt ovary, 5M, 4F), ET=1/29 (trans 3) = BFP!; 2/11 beta#1(13dp3dt)=2127, 2/13=3367; twin girls due 10/19/13

    PAIF/SAIF very welcome!

    <a href="http://www.thebump.com/?utm_source=ticker&utm_medium=HTML&utm_campaign=tickers" title="Pregnancy"><img src="http://global.thebump.com/tickers/tt16bf7d.aspx" alt=" BabyFruit Ticker" border="0"  /></a>
  • image joules12:

    It is, in a way, comforting to read all of your posts here.  So many of your comments echo my situation with MH.  It often makes this whole process even more frustrating and exhausting. 

    So true. 

    A huge part of the break we took was bc I knew DH wasn't on the same page as me.  Yes, he wants a child, but the IF treatments are a lot for him to push thru... and a big part of that he tells me is seeing what it does to me.  I can understand that. 

    TTC since 2008 dx PCOS & MFI
    Clomid/Femara no "O"
    IVF #1 BFN
    FET #1 cancelled for biopsy
    FET #1.2 c/p, July 2012 c/p
    IUI #1 & 1.2 canceled
    IVF #2 ER 12/1, Freeze all due to OHSS
    FET #2.1 cancelled due to DVT risk, FET #2.2 Jan 2013
    my blog
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards