Feel Like I'm Dealing With a Brick Wall

tarynkaye86

I haven't posted on here in a while but I'm at my wits end and could really use just about ANY advice. I'll apologize now for this being long.

The father of my baby and I split up when I was 10 weeks pregnant. I left primarily because we just were not right together and the stress was causing some pregnancy issues--not to the mention the fact that he called me some names and told me to get the f*ck out of his house and told his 2 young children (3 and 5) that I didn't love them anymore and was leaving them and we ended up with 5 police officers at the house as a result of him and some erratic behavior. Anyways, I had asked him to just give me some space which he didn't and lead me to filing a no contact order in preparation for harassment charges.( yes it really got to where he was harassing me)

Fast forward to 22 weeks when I was admitted to the hospital for a severe DVT in my left leg-- I broke the no contact order which had technically already broken by contacting me because I felt that morally I had an obligation to allow him to be involved in the decisions that could directly affect the well-being of our child and his health both now and later in life. BD made it very clear that his #1 concern was him and I being in a relationship-- didn't really ask about the baby or anything at all. I can't explain how furious this made me seeing as how my health and the health of our unborn child should be #1. Since the hospital we have kept in contact but honestly he drives me insane. One day he is excited about the baby, wants us to get back together (which would NEVER happen), and the next he wants a DNA test, tells me I will be a horrible mother and that he is going to take me to court for full custody. Let me also add at this point that he is currently still married to his first wife--something I found out after I got pregnant when he proposed to me and asked me if I would be okay having a "fake wedding" so that our family's would think we are married but then he didn't have to force a divorce through the court( yeah, that was not even something I considered)-- when I was told the divorce was already final. He has 2 children with her that he illegally took out of state but no one will do anything about it because the mother doesn't want them anyways, he has a criminal record for drug possession, him and his brother were dealing out of our home behind my back for the first 10 weeks of my pregnancy with me and his 2 children in the home, he is emotionally abusive and super manipulative. I could go on but I think you all get the point.

 So yesterday we talked and I tried to establish boundaries and told him that he was more than welcome to talk to me about the baby but anything else was off limits-- I explained that I would simply not respond to anything other than direct concerns to the baby and that I could not force him  not to say anything else can only control how I respond. We ended up screaming and yelling at each other (not my finest moment)  and ended the conversation. I get up this morning and have a lengthy e-mail from him stating that if I reconsider a relationship with him he won't fight me, but that if I don't reconsider a relationship with him that he is going to petition for full custody of our son after he is born and will make my life a living hell.

I have tried everything, I have tried going through the PD in establishing the no contact order which he still contacted me after though not much, I have tried to be nice, I have tried to be mean, and nothing works with this man. He seems to just want to push and push me to the point that I can't handle it anymore all over the fact that I absolutely DO NOT want to be in a relationship with him. I have contacted an attorney and we will be speaking soon but I don't know what to do. Ignoring him just makes him more angry and responding does nothing but damage. PLEASE HELP, I really don't know what to do anymore.

joliebebe

Really, all you have to do is ignore him if you don't want to put up with his insults and erratic behavior anymore. It's pretty much that simple. Sure, it will make him more mad, but what can he do? Besides send angry texts, calls, and emails? If he's harassing you via the phone, block his number. If he's harassing you via emails, mark them as spam. If he starts harassing you in person.. well, that's when you get the police involved.

Honestly, all of this can be prevented just by not having contact with him, which is the best in some situations. Since he's threatening you and causing you stress, it's probably best you eliminate contact with him, at least for the time being. What good does it do to talk to him? You pretty much said nothing, yourself, since your talks end up in arguments. Once the baby is born, then you can re-initiate contact.

Otherwise, save his email, don't reply, and tell your attorney about it. They all seem to make threats of some sort, but it's mostly to bully you into doing what they want; when it comes time to make good on those threats, most BD don't actually go through from what I can tell.

My BD has threatened plenty of things, but going on a month of having no contact with him, I can honestly say I'm much happier. Stop inviting the crazy by continuously giving into his harassment and desire to talk.. it's so easy to simply STOP communicating until such a time that he decides to be logical (if ever).

Good luck.

tarynkaye86

Yeah I think it's the only thing I can do. The only thing that keeps me from cutting off contact again is that the state I live in looks VERY favorably on the parents trying to stay amicable for the sake of the child. But after this last incident I'm thinking that even in court my reasoning for stopping contact again would be looked on in a favorable light versus continuing to add the physical and emotional stress of trying to deal with him. 

I know that until I meet with my attorney I'm not going to respond to him at all and I hope that my attorney can then clarify what I'm legally obligated to do.

 Thank you for taking the time to read this whole post and replying. Even though I pretty much knew that was going to be the best answer, it's nice to have someone else say it and make me feel more confident in that decision.

joliebebe

tarynkaye86:

Yeah I think it's the only thing I can do. The only thing that keeps me from cutting off contact again is that the state I live in looks VERY favorably on the parents trying to stay amicable for the sake of the child. But after this last incident I'm thinking that even in court my reasoning for stopping contact again would be looked on in a favorable light versus continuing to add the physical and emotional stress of trying to deal with him. 

I know that until I meet with my attorney I'm not going to respond to him at all and I hope that my attorney can then clarify what I'm legally obligated to do.

 Thank you for taking the time to read this whole post and replying. Even though I pretty much knew that was going to be the best answer, it's nice to have someone else say it and make me feel more confident in that decision.

My attorney told me that until a child is born the father has no rights (at least in the case of the BD and BM not being married), which means having him involved in the pregnancy and/or delivery is just a perk the BM can withhold or not. Despite your state looking on it favorably, you need to speak the truth - ultimately, it's about your health and the health of your LO. Stress can cause high HB and high HB can cause pre-term labor. You can document your attempts to include him in your pregnancy, which turned into insults and harassment from him. I honestly don't see this being an issue, really, so just do what you need to do to make yourself happy.

Aka you're not alone. We're also BMB mates. If you ever need to talk, just shoot me a PM here or on FB (we're on the FB group together too).

ETA for clarification.

tarynkaye86

I did notice that we are in the same BMB and yes it is nice to know I'm not the only one going through this.

My parents are divorced and my mom and step dad are now divorced so I have seen a lot by way of dealing with a shitty BD and in some ways it helps and in others I think it makes things worse. I'm just trying to make sure that the mental and physical well-being of my child is my #1 concern and with a BD like mine it's just a difficult road. Ultimately I agree that being involved is a perk for him and at this point I feel like I have been more than accommodating and given the way he has handled things there really is NO reason for me to try any more. I feel I have done everything I needed to do and really I need to focus on staying healthy and getting through the rest of the pregnancy. I can deal with him after. In my opinion it IS in the best interest of my child for me to avoid any of the stress that his father causes.

scout426

The court order is the law and should be followed. Stop allowing contact. The court order trumps you trying to
Come across as being a fair coparent. Good luck.

tarynkaye86

scout426:

The court order is the law and should be followed. Stop allowing contact. The court order trumps you trying to Come across as being a fair coparent. Good luck.

 We have not been to court yet-- seeing as how our child has NOT been born-- and do not have a "court order" for me to try and "trump" as you say. Thanks for the good luck, but I have no idea what you are referring to. 

 

ETA: If you are referring to the no contact order it is null-in-void now since I contacted him from the hospital. Under normal circumstances I would never have broken the order, but I was faced with serious decisions to make that could have dramatically affected the health of my unborn child and both my family and I agreed that I had a moral obligation to include him in those decisons.