VENT! #2..this is getting out of hand..

fennyann

More family drama once again and i have no idea what to do anymore.

If any of you ladies remember my post regarding the mom issue with the painting of the new house...this is just something new to add on top of it!

my hubby and i have been trying to get our new house together this past week. we have very busy schedules and we both wish that we could have gotten more done but haven't. last night, i call my mom to discuss the baby shower and before i could even get a word out, she asked me if my hubby was able to get anything accomplished around because she feels that he is a bit lazy. i was so upset with her saying that. my husband and i are very laid back people and do things at our own pace. my mom thinks we are just putting things off.

so, she decides to come over and help put up some curtains and she also gave us her dining set. we were all getting along just fine and then she sits done with my husband and starts bashing his family and wondering why they never come over to help. he was so upset. he is very close with his family..and it really hurt his feelings that she would bring up his family like that. first off, is family is very small compared to mine..and most of them live out of town. my mom had no right bringing that up. after all this, my husband respectfully excused himself from the room and went in the basement. my mom didnt seem to have cared all that much that she had hurt his feelings. then she proceeded to talk about his family while i was still there, stating that they were all just a bunch of lazy people!

i have no idea what her deal is these past 2 weeks...but its getting out of hand. i cant even approach her without her getting defensive. i just cried all last night over it. mu husband seems to be over it now, but i still feel bad...

dande2129

Both you and your husband need to put your mother in her place and set some boundaries. 

6fsn

You need to stand up for your husband.  Who cares if she gets defensive?  She's calling your husband and his family names and you're just sitting there. 

Next time your mom asks about the state of your home just say "we're doing great."

AliceMM

Your mom has boundary issues and its up to you to fix them. Stop allowing her to come over and "help". If she starts to bash your husband end the conversation and tell her that you refuse to listen to her speak that way. 

People tend to treat you how you let them, and no offense but it sounds like you need a bit of a backbone. You don't need to start a fight with her, just moving forward cut off any negativity with "I already know your views on that and I don't care to hear them again" and change the subject.

If you don't start standing up for yourself and your husband I predict some trouble in your marriage.  

fennyann

Oh i did stick up for him...she tends to not hear me when i speak. luckily, my dad was there and he told her to be quiet and that it was none of her business. she left in a fit of rage because i said something to her and also my dad. i just shortened the story so it didn't look like a novel.

BarrysBride05

I am sorry that she is being VERY difficult. I remember reading about the painting issue (I lurk more than post).

If you mother will not listen to you verbally, it may be time to sit down and write out the expectations you have for her not only as your mother, but as mother-in-law and future grandmother to your child. You may just need to respectfully spell out for her how she is to act if she is in your home and to those you love. If she cannot be respectful of your family it may be time to let her know that she cannot come over until that time and not call her, answer calls, etc. until she agrees to respect the boundaries you have established as an adult.

I know it's hard. My father has a tendency to view me as a possession rather than his daughter and after not being a parental figure decided when I turned thirty and had been married almost five years that he was going to tell me how to live my life.

ChynaDholl

fennyann:

Oh i did stick up for him...she tends to not hear me when i speak. luckily, my dad was there and he told her to be quiet and that it was none of her business. she left in a fit of rage because i said something to her and also my dad. i just shortened the story so it didn't look like a novel.

So it's obviously an on going issue. If she doesn't listen to you, you can tell her that she needs to leave YOUR house until she learns to respect you and your husband. It sounds like you try to stand up for him but you still let her "get away with it" since she continually does the same thing. GL with it because I know how "families" can be.

sararn2004

Nice to know my mom is not the only one like this, although my mom only complains about me to anyone who will listen. She thinks my husband hung the moon. Sorry you are dealing with that. I usually have to stand up to my mom, deal with her irrational "Fine, I just won't help than. I wouldn't want to impose" guilt-crap. She usually comes around after we(me) stand up to her and then let her stew on it for a bit. It just makes everything tense for awhile for no reason though, and it's irritating.

AimeeL85

Most people will get defensive when you call them out on things, that's how people are. That doesn't mean you shouldn't be standing up for your husband.  You know you would expect him to do the same if the situation was reversed.

dande2129

fennyann:

Oh i did stick up for him...she tends to not hear me when i speak. luckily, my dad was there and he told her to be quiet and that it was none of her business. she left in a fit of rage because i said something to her and also my dad. i just shortened the story so it didn't look like a novel.

I remember that you commented in your previous post about her after the fact that you did stick up for him. And you're now commenting after the fact as well.

The story was already a novel. The extra two sentences where you actually said something to her and she left changes a lot. I would reconsider ever having her over and how much involvement she has in your life until she is able to correct her biitchyness.  

SummerOH

dande2129:

fennyann:

Oh i did stick up for him...she tends to not hear me when i speak. luckily, my dad was there and he told her to be quiet and that it was none of her business. she left in a fit of rage because i said something to her and also my dad. i just shortened the story so it didn't look like a novel.

I remember that you commented in your previous post about her after the fact that you did stick up for him. And you're now commenting after the fact as well.

The story was already a novel. The extra two sentences where you actually said something to her and she left changes a lot. I would reconsider ever having her over and how much involvement she has in your life until she is able to correct her biitchyness.  

Agree.  It's completely unacceptable how she treats and speaks to both of you.  She's your mother, but that doesn't give her the right to treat you so rudely.  In my opinion, once you are married your new family takes precedence over your old one.  The next time she starts her crap you need to nicely but firmly say her behavior is unacceptable, she will not speak to your husband (or you) in such a way, and she's not welcome in your house until she can be civil.  She's acting like a child.

Rynleigh

I said it when you posted about the cell phone plans, and I'll say it again. Your mother is a manipulating witch and people tolerating that kind of behaviour from her is why she has grown into a person who is comfortable behaving that way. I'm sorry that you are in the position you are. My mother is a pretty horrible person, but luckily she lives on the other side of the country and I only have to deal with her crap on rare occasions... and I have zero respect for the woman and have no problem telling her when she crosses a line - but I'm the only person in her family who is willing to stand up to her that way. 

It sounds like it's time for someone to put your mom in her place.  

LaurelBee

dande2129:

Both you and your husband need to put your mother in her place and set some boundaries. 

Uh. THIS.

Try saying "Mom, his family are wonderful people...

1. And this topic is off limits.

2. And I do not need to justify our relationship with his parents with you.

3. And they are the least over bearing people on the planet- maybe you should take notes.

 

Next time she bad mouths or gives hurtful opinions about someone just tell her you're not up for talking about it with her and tell her nicely it's time to go. Also wanted to add that with some people nothing comes for free. She might be being helpful with painting and curtain hanging, but it will come with the cost of listening to her hurtful/disrespectful opinions. Next time she "offers" to help tell her thanks but no thanks and do things at your own pace. GL. It took me 6yrs to lay the law down with my ILs- it's better sooner than later girlie. 

Kingston54

Yes you need to talk to your mom.  Not appropriate at all.

sara052420

To me, if you actually stuck up for your husband there would be some kind of resolve here. it sounds like you have good intentions and you want to stand up for your husband but in the end you let your mom be how she is which is not okay. You need to have a serious talk with your mom and if she doesn't change don't allow her to come over.