Confidence down as nephews don't like me

kekoaW

I?m hoping to conceive in the next month or so but I?m now worried that I?m going to be a bad mom as my nephews are damaging my confidence. My 2 nephews are 4 and 2 and half and they don't seem to like me at all.  When my first nephew was born, I adored him, I couldn't wait to have one of my own but as soon as he became a toddler, I couldn't pick him up, I wasn?t allowed to have hugs/kisses, I couldn't play with him and he constantly ignored me.  Worse still my other nephew copies what the 4 year old does and now I'm in the same situation with him too.  I find this so hurtful, I adore these boys and they seem to hate me.  I have no idea why this is happening.  I can?t say I?m over confident with kids as I have no experience with them but my nephews are adorable with their mom and grandparents but when I walk in, they change to being shy and distant.  I was sitting having dinner with my mom & on arrival the 4 year old refused to eat his dinner as I was sitting next to him.  His mom then asked me to move and as soon as I got up from the table, he ate his food, now his brother does the same thing at dinner time. If their grandma or mom asks them to hold my hand, they walk away and grab onto their mom?s leg for dear life.  I?m left feeling devastated & heartbroken.  What am I supposed to do? I can't talk to my sister (their mom) as she's so prickly herself and it would cause an argument if I said anything that sounded like criticism of her kids. They?re not spoilt and my sister has full control.  I tried talking to my mom and all she said was the kids don?t see you often so they don?t know you that well. The kids see them twice a week whereas I see them maybe once a month while they are at grandmas.  I can?t do more as I work away and my sister and I aren?t really close so we don?t socialize outside of our mothers? house. What if my baby does this to me? I can?t believe that these adorable babies, who I adore so much, are behaving so coldly towards me now.

Shayna0182

Eh, that sounds like a normal toddler to me.  My niece ( who is now almost 8) was so clingy to her mom when she was a toddler.  I could never get hugs out of her.  Now that she is older, however, I think she's much more fun. 

My ds only gives hugs on his own terms, and even his grandparents don't always get cuddles or hugs. 

Trust me, your own children will be different. 

frschaffner

Agree with PP.

Sounds completely normal to me.  They are toddlers - still learning social norms.  There are some times even my own DD won't give me a hug when I want one.  I don't force it.  Eventually she'll come around and give me a big squeeze.

And with people she doesn't see often, she takes time to warm up to them, even if she knows who they are (aunt, uncle, cousins, etc).

I'm sure you'll be a fine parent!

memali26

My girls do this to my brother and SIL. It's partly because they don't see them often (they live across the country) and partly because my bro and SIL just try too hard. They don't give my kids the time and space they need to warm up to someone they aren't used to and instead push themselves on the girls and try to force the hugs/kisses/playing, which just makes kids uncomfortable. Add to that the fact that toddlers crave control, and this is something they can control so they do. It's all very normal, and actually a pretty appropriate part of their development as they learn to build relationships and sort out who's who in their world.

As far as your nephews, you'll just have to ride it out. Don't try to force a relationship, give them space, and as they get older and know you better they'll ease up.

It will be different with your own kids because they are your own kids, not someone else's that you only see once a month. They'll still have stages where they want nothing to do with you (DD1 tells me "no kisses!" at least once a day!) but again, it's just them learning to exert control. 

kcisthebombdotcom

I have two toddlers and my kids definitely don't warm up to people they only see once a month. It has nothing to do with you and has everything to do with their age. I would not be concerned about your ability to parent over this. I never was around kids much when I was younger (I was an only child) and kids didn't necessarily warm up to me but my own kids are crazy about me.

MrsWindyCity

memali26:

My girls do this to my brother and SIL. It's partly because they don't see them often (they live across the country) and partly because my bro and SIL just try too hard. They don't give my kids the time and space they need to warm up to someone they aren't used to and instead push themselves on the girls and try to force the hugs/kisses/playing, which just makes kids uncomfortable. Add to that the fact that toddlers crave control, and this is something they can control so they do. It's all very normal, and actually a pretty appropriate part of their development as they learn to build relationships and sort out who's who in their world.

As far as your nephews, you'll just have to ride it out. Don't try to force a relationship, give them space, and as they get older and know you better they'll ease up.

It will be different with your own kids because they are your own kids, not someone else's that you only see once a month. They'll still have stages where they want nothing to do with you (DD1 tells me "no kisses!" at least once a day!) but again, it's just them learning to exert control. 

 

Ditto this, especially the first part - that is my child's relationship with my mom and grandmas to a T. They don't see him often, so he is uncomfortable around them, and they try to force affection, which makes him crazy. He has also always been clingy with me, even around people he knows/likes.

And seriously sometimes *I* feel bad. This is nothing I have done or said to him, but I still feel awful because I know my mom feels awful. It's hard on both sides, but I think it's just something  you have to ride out.