Tricky Name Situation - any tips on how to handle?

ctbride08

The backstory is that my 3 children are bio sibs adopted from foster care. They also have a younger sister, born 5 months ago,  that we had to make the heartwrenching decision to not accept placement of.  So, she has been placed with a pre-adoptive family (who is wonderful and we see regularly and its working out great).

Here's the stickiness...we are planning a visit to see bio mom soon. I'm sure my oldest will talk about his newest sister when visiting his mom.  But, her pre-adoptive family has chosen a different name for her than her birthname and I'm pretty sure bio mom doesnt know about that yet. He *just* got used to calling her by the new name and now I have to talk to him about not using that name with BM. 

Any ideas on how to make, "the baby has this name with some people and that name with other people" a little more understandable for a 6 year old?  I feel especially bad b/c, though he loves the pre-adoptive family, I do think he's feeling a little offended about the name change to begin with.

elissaann26

Could you tell him that some times people have many names?  For example, some of my friends call me "Elissa".  Other friends call me "Redhead in Raleigh" (or some other nickname).  Other people, like your friends, call me "Ms. Elissa".  Your cousins call me "Auntie".  Sometimes strangers call me "Ma'am".  And you call me "Mommy".

My concern would be that if he slips up and calls her by her new name that he is going to get the brunt of bio mom's frustration about the name change, which isn't fair for him.  I'm not entirely sure how you avoid this, since a slip-up would be completely understandable.

Just wanted to let you know that we feel your pain.  We have a very complicated name issue with our boys that anyone has yet to find a suitable solution to!  I really hate names!

ctbride08

a slip up is definitely possible...i could even see him purposely making a "slip" just to see the reaction. ugh. names.

silliestbunny

Have you spoken about this with biosister's PAPs?  Is it possible they can share the name change?

jillianmb

silliestbunny:

Have you spoken about this with biosister's PAPs?  Is it possible they can share the name change?

I would go this route too.  That is a really sticky situation though- no easy answer.

EratMama

I second (third) the idea of the PAP's telling biomom, if possible. 

We mostly use a different name at home for Pumpkin than his biomom gave him.  If I had it to over again, I am not sure if we would or would not make the same choice.  At the time, baby Pumpkin was named after a man we don't want him to take after. We didn't anticipate as much sibling contact as we have (and them moving in!!)  We were very nervous about the girls finding out his "nickname" and about biomom finding out. Turns out, no one really batted an eye.  We do use both names, often together.  When we adopt, we plan to keep his birthname as a middle name. 

Nicknames are so common, that I think there was much less of a reaction than I thought.  Maybe just call her "Blossom Jill" or "Jill Blossom" a few times so it flows?

ladyjenna13

As an adopted child myself I wanted to share a story.  I was adopted when I was 4 1/2.  My birthmother kept me for two years before giving me up (a different, long story there!) for adoption.  I went through 7 foster homes prior to being adopted.  Between birth and being adopted I had two names given to me before the name I have now was given to me by my parents. (I have not, nor will I ever, refer to my parents as my adoptive parents.  They are my parents, end of story)

So, I had the name I was given at birth, a name that was given to me by a foster family that was planning on adopting me, and my name today, which my mother gave to me when I was adopted.  I was adopted in 1974, so back then there was no such thing as open adoptions or keeping in contact with birth families.

My point is, a name is only that, a name.  At the end of the day I never have looked back once at my two previous names and wondered about what my life would have been like if I had kept one of those names.  Adoption is a transition that is rooted in trust, love  and loyalty.  At the end of the day a child is going to love his or her parents regardless of names or birthparents.  I love being adopted, and my name has very little to do with what it means to be adopted, for me at least.  I look back at my childhood and there are two constants.  My parents love for me, and my name being what it has been since the day my parent's legally became my parents. 

Even years later, when I searched for and met my birthparents, my name was not something that I was curious about.  I have a name, and my parents gave me that name.

I just felt the need to share that as a child of adoption who is now an adult and can look back at my childhood without using that baggage to cloud my perception of my childhood.