Parenting Question

Unem

My SIL lets her toddler play with home items: safe kitchen tools, books, etc.  She's not a fan of having tons of toys all around (I don't blame her) and since DS loves regular household items, she just lets him play with those.

Here's the problem.  He's allowed to open cabinets and drawers at home (she puts the dangerous items higher up) but obviously when he goes to other people's homes, he does it there too (I haven't baby-proofed my drawers). So when he's here, we're constantly telling him 'No" even though he's allowed to do the same act at home.

Also, sometimes she'll put her phone or computer on a safe mode and let him play with it, but when she's working on her laptop, he obviously can't mess with it.

My question:  I personally feel like this could be confusing for a child.  To be allowed to do something at one house, but not another, and to be allowed to 'play' with something now, but not later. 

What do you all think?  Any experience from STMs?  Even though I'm not a fan of brightly lit toys, I do think I want to have designated toys and clear boundaries about what they can and cannot play with, even if what they want to play with is 'safe'.

MrsAB1316

If kids are anything like my animals, you can buy them all the toys in the world and all they'll want to play with is a balled up piece of paper that missed the trash can.    lol....that being said, you raise a good question.   How do you teach a small child that something is okay at home and not at other houses.  I mean, the older they get, they'll understand...but really young kids just aren't going to grasp that concept.  Are they???   

 

TAGSL710

Um, you teach your kids there are different rules for different places. I don't see the issue. 

hmp1

Some of DS's favorite toys are things I have made out of household items.  We have 2 cabinets that are not locked that are full of tupperware and other safe kitchen stuff. It is really helpful when I'm cooking dinner for him to have a little area to play.  We also have built-ins in our family room that have lower cabinets that house some toys. I don't think this is the reason he would open cabinets at other's houses. I think he would do it even if all our cabinets were locked.  It is just part of parenting to teach your child that different houses have different rules. I let him get loud at our dinner table but not in a restaurant. I let him climb on our couches but not at other houses.

KellersPrag

My friend does the same with her son in regards to her computer and cell phone. But he's pretty smart, and understands that it is only when Mommy says it's okay. He also will NOT try it with anyone else's phone or laptop - only hers. So maybe it's just a case by case thing? I think most kids understand that there are rules at point A and different rules at point B.

bosha711

I think what you described is very typical. We allow DS to play in specific child-proofed cabinets & other non-toys.

Also, you will find that no matter how many actual toys you have, kids always want to play with other stuff instead. He always finds his way to the remote, cell phone, camera, etc. We do take them away from him, though...most of the time, lol. Sometimes you just need to choose your battles.

ELCJet

TAGSL710:

Um, you teach your kids there are different rules for different places. I don't see the issue. 

That's our philosophy.  DS can mess up my kitchen cabinets if he wants to, but they are off limits at everyone else's house.  They are pretty sharp -- they can figure these things out -- you just have to watch them like a hawk and redirect.

ilovelife

I let ds rummage through my kitchen cabinets. He does not do this at other people's houses because it's a new environment and he's distracted by that. 

Unem

I think a lot of good points are being brought up.

Yes, it's great to teach kids that there are different rules for being away from home, but again, until they are old enough to understand, this really can't be done.

Even with tons of toys, kids will want to play with the remote, cell phone, etc.  We actually have a non-working laptop that we let him play with, but we don't ever let him on ours.  This seems to help him understand that one is his and he can play with it, but the other ones are ours and he can't play with those.

 I guess I'm curious about which situation you think is best:

1 - Not letting your child play with adult things and deal with tantrums until they understand (even though they might never understand).

2 - Letting them play with adult things sometimes, but not others, thus dealing with tantrums when they are told no (often in public places where the last thing you want is a tantrum)

I'm so afraid that I'm either going to be way too strict with my child, or that I won't be strict enough and they'll turn into monsters.

TAGSL710

Unem:

I think a lot of good points are being brought up.

Yes, it's great to teach kids that there are different rules for being away from home, but again, until they are old enough to understand, this really can't be done.

Even with tons of toys, kids will want to play with the remote, cell phone, etc.  We actually have a non-working laptop that we let him play with, but we don't ever let him on ours.  This seems to help him understand that one is his and he can play with it, but the other ones are ours and he can't play with those.

 I guess I'm curious about which situation you think is best:

1 - Not letting your child play with adult things and deal with tantrums until they understand (even though they might never understand).

2 - Letting them play with adult things sometimes, but not others, thus dealing with tantrums when they are told no (often in public places where the last thing you want is a tantrum)

I'm so afraid that I'm either going to be way too strict with my child, or that I won't be strict enough and they'll turn into monsters.

Not trying to be snarky but I really think you're over thinking this. You're going to have tantrums in and out of the house regardless. It's a toddler thing. You'll know what'll work with your kid's personality when he's here.  

Unem

TAGSL710:

Unem:

Not trying to be snarky but I really think you're over thinking this. You're going to have tantrums in and out of the house regardless. It's a toddler thing. You'll know what'll work with your kid's personality when he's here.  

You're probably right.  I've become more and more observant of how others parent their children since becoming pregnant and it really makes me think about how I would handle similar situations.

TAGSL710

Unem:

TAGSL710:

Unem:

Not trying to be snarky but I really think you're over thinking this. You're going to have tantrums in and out of the house regardless. It's a toddler thing. You'll know what'll work with your kid's personality when he's here.  

You're probably right.  I've become more and more observant of how others parent their children since becoming pregnant and it really makes me think about how I would handle similar situations.

I have as well. Especially with the parents of my students. However, the fact that you are aware of your parenting choices and that you don't want to raise a monster will get you through  

damabo80

TAGSL710:

Um, you teach your kids there are different rules for different places. I don't see the issue. 

This. Your kid is going to like to play with the things he's going to like to play with.

Ecen if he played with nothing but brightly colored Chinese plastic at home, when he goes somewhere else (assuming he's too young to be reasoned with, he's going to want to play with whatever is around.

Most of DD's toys aren't "toys". She plays with plastic bowls, spatulas, my phone, etc.

When we go somewhere, I keep an eye on her and redirect as needed. 

on_a_whim

TAGSL710:

Um, you teach your kids there are different rules for different places. I don't see the issue. 

I agree with this.  All rules don't apply in all places.  They may not understand at such an early age, of course.. but IMO, the earlier you start setting the precedent the better, right?

Unem

So, basically my nephew is crazy out of control and shouldn't be throwing tantrums when he's told 'no' at my house.

Unem

SharkFarts:

Unem:

So, basically my nephew is crazy out of control and shouldn't be throwing tantrums when he's told 'no' at my house.

I don't know about crazy out of control, but tantrums wouldn't fly in my house. How old is your nephew? I don't remember if you said.

He's sixteen months. 

When he tries to do things at my house that he's normally allowed to do at home, he's usually told no.  He gets frustrated and continues to try and do things, and when he keeps getting told no he throws a tantrum.  It kind of sucks because I like my SIL and wish we could actually spend time together when they visit, but she's so busy chasing him around and dealing with his fits that we barely get to talk.

isacdimi10

Kids do pick up on different rules for different houses.

For instance: DD knows she can cupboard dive at home. She knows she can bring out all the pots and pans her heart desires. But at grammy's house she knows the cupboards are off limits. And DS is starting to learn this as well because when he goes to open the cupboard at my parents he gets told no.

OceanLover26

I keep my house childproofed and the kids away from anything I don't want them to get a hold of, but there are some things that I am flexible with and do not mind them having.  I most certainly do not want them behaving that way at other people's house though.  I have a 3 and 4 year old and teaching personal space and belongings can be tough at times (as I learned this week when my husband wanted us to visit his new office.)  I think I have learned over the past couple years that the parenting key here is to be aware and on top of it no matter what they have, and to teach them to mind other peoples property with respect and privacy.

hmp1

Unem:

He's sixteen months. 

When he tries to do things at my house that he's normally allowed to do at home, he's usually told no.  He gets frustrated and continues to try and do things, and when he keeps getting told no he throws a tantrum.  It kind of sucks because I like my SIL and wish we could actually spend time together when they visit, but she's so busy chasing him around and dealing with his fits that we barely get to talk.

It's pretty normal for toddlers to have multiple tantrums a day. It's all part of the fun of toddlerhood. This is why we don't enjoy visiting our friends/family that don't have kids and don't have a baby proof home.  My kid has a complete freakin melt down if I don't let him bring his shoes in the bathtub. It's not a tantrum because he has done it before and I'm saying no now; I say no every time but it still can cause a meltdown. We have gates on our stairs and he knows he isn't allowed to climb them without us. But anytime we are at a friend's house with stairs, that is what he b-lines for. Sometimes he is cool with me saying no and redirecting. Other times, it can be WW3. I would rather be a mom chasing my kid around and dealing with the fits than letting him run crazy and not discipline him at all.

terri_doula2010

In my experience, you saying "Let" is funny. Toddlers are an entity unto themselves. You decide which battles are worth fighting and then sometimes lose those too. And when it comes to other people's houses? It is pretty much always going to be stressful unless those people also have kids the same age. And then it still may be.

Example: our only stairs are outside of our main entrance. DS knows that he isn't allowed to go down them without holding onto the railing  and our hand. Today we went to a friend's house for the first time. She assured me there was nothing he could get into, so I didn't know there were open stairs going down to the basement until we heard him walking down (not holding on to the railing or my hand, because they were different stairs and thus he decided they had different rules. Plus a cat went that way!!). Her son never messes with the stairs, so she doesn't have a gate or anything up (which makes me gasp, but to each her own).

Immediately after that, my son TURNED ON AN EYE of her stove. It is gas, he had no problem. We remove the knobs on our stove because trying to reason with him, scold him, and threaten him when he touches it just isn't as safe and effective as removing the temptation. 

All kids are different and maybe you'll have never have trouble with boundaries and rules. But odds are you will, and you'll figure out how to deal with it and other people may wonder why you are doing something a certain way, but it will work for you and everyone will survive.

Or maybe I'm just tired and jaded.

 

ETA: In both of the examples from today, I explained to him what proper procedure was and didn't have either problem again. I also haven't had those particular problems at other people's houses.