feeling lost — The Bump
Adoption

feeling lost

I know I haven't been the most active poster on this board and I completely understand if you don't want to read what I have to say below. However, I need to vent somewhere and maybe someone will have some great insight!

DH and I have been actively waiting since June 8th of this year. Since then I know our profile has been shown 1 time. Our agency does not typically tell us when they are showing our profile unless it is a situation that we marked "will consider" on our forms. One of the sections marked "will consider" was for drug exposure. We were encouraged to check this primarily because drug exposure could mean a multitude of things. The one situation that we allowed our profile to be shared was due to a date rape situation, no drug exposure. However, we have had 2 other situations that we have had to turn down due to lots of exposure and multiple other things as well. The most recent was another baby exposed in utero to methodone. He is currently on a methadone taper and doing well but there are several other factors as well that led us to our decision including exposure to marijuana, BM has bipolar disorder and there is a long family history of mental health disorders (depression, schizophrenia), BM also has Hep C, BF is in jail and has history of drug usage, alcoholism. Overall, there was just a lot going on with the birthparents and extended family.

 Anyways, I guess I just want to vent about the fact that I feel discouraged right now. I know this journey is not an easy one but I am starting to feel like we may never get a situation that does not include serious drug exposure/mental health history. I am starting to feel like maybe I am being selfish in not accepting these situations. I do my homework each time and talk to several pediatricians but I just don't ever feel confident enough to say "yes" I am willing to parent this child. I knew going into the adoption journey we might be faced with this I just didn't expect so many so quick. It had me thinking last night that maybe these are the only types of situations our agency accepts but I know realistically that can't be true. I also realize that there are no guarantees in life and that a seemingly perfect situation could also and will also have its ups and downs. Was anyone else faced with this type of situation before being matched with their child?

I know I did a lot of rambling, thanks for listening. Hope everyone has a great week!

[url=http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/314463]
[img]http://www.fertilityfriend.com/ticker/314463/ttc.png[/img]
[/url]



TTC since June 2010
BFP #1 July 2010 missed M/C at 6 1/2 weeks D& C
TTCAL since November 2010
Me= 27, everything normal-HSG all clear
DH= 27, normal

Unexplained infertility

June 2011 50mg Clomid + Ovidrel = BFN
July 2011 Femara + Ovidrel = BFN
August 2011 Break d/t having HSG completed (all clear)
September 2011 increased Femara + Repronex + ovidrel = BFN
October 2011 Repronex only = cancelled due to overstimulation

Looking for new RE due to poor staff

December 2011 femara + menopur+trigger+IUI= BFN
January and February 2012 break to gear up for IVF
March 2012 IVF#1 transferred 2 beautiful day 5 embryos= BFN

Re: feeling lost

  • Try not to feel discouraged.  I could have written this post several years ago when waiting for our first child.  Like you, we didn't want to know when we were being shown, but we had a lot of "willing to discuss" items.  We were told the average wait was 12 - 15 months, but in the first 3 or 4 we started getting calls about being shown.  I was so excited until I heard the situations.  They were so far out of our comfort zone that we had to say no.  Saying no to being shown was soooo difficult.  Like you, we began to wonder every situation would be like this and if we should just change our mindset/figure out how to get comfortable with it. 

    Luckly, I had met another waiting mom through our agency's family association. She had been waiting longer and she encouraged me to be patient and assured me that not every situation would be like the ones we had heard about so far.  She was exactly right!  At 10 months, we matched with our daugher's birthmother - we didn't even know we were being shown because she met all of our criteria (and I will admit, when compared to others, I think our criteria was pretty limiting). There was nothing to discuss!  Same for our second daughter.  We got a call after she was born that we had been selected. Again, didn't know our profile was being shown.

    Adoption is such a roller coaster.  But, you have to remember, this is a lifetime commitment and you and your husband need to feel confident that you are making good choices for your family.  I COMPLETELY understand that each day of waiting can feel like a lifetime, but, once your child is home, you will know that waiting an extra day, week or month fof him/her was totally worth it.

    Try to stay positive and feel free to turn to this board for support on particularily bad days!

  • I am sorry you are feeling discouraged.  We had a super long wait for DD1 (and a very short wait for DD2).  It's a tough journey.

    What I can say with retrospect-  we never really compromised what we were comfortable with as parents... but through education we learned a lot about drug and alcohol exposure as well as mental illness that helped us soften our criteria a bit. 

    While I think it's important to learn as much as you can, you should never compromise your criteria simply to get more exposure to cases.  Does that make sense.  Only you know what you will are able to comfortably take on.


    FWIW-  We started out closed off to drug exposure.  The more I learned, the softer we became.  In the end, neither of my two daughters were exposed at all even though we were open to some exposure. 

    Have faith and know that the journey may be long and tiring but it's important to be true to yourself.  Your baby will find you :)

    image Best friends and sisters... 24 months and 16 months
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  • cogbotcogbot
    Third Anniversary
    member

    I am also in the "lost and waiting" phases  It is encouraging to read responses to your post.  I have to have faith the our child will find us, and I will know that the situation is right.  

    I just want you to know that you are not alone.  

    [IMG]http://i34.tinypic.com/idb22r.jpg[/IMG]
    TTC since December '08
    Dx PCOS and Endo
    lap to remove cysts turned into full laparotomy Nov. '09
    4 cycles of clomid=BFN
    1 clomid iui = BFN
    new doctor and a new plan
    august '10 - began 6 months of lupron depot
    IVF our only option for biological baby
    May '11 Decided we are moving on to adoption!
  • We didn't wait long, but did have to say no to a situation before ours. The best advice I got is that if you aren't comfortable with the situation, it isn't your baby. You will know when it is the right situation! GL!
    image image image Daisypath Anniversary tickers Lilypie First Birthday tickers November 2011: after nearly two years of infertility, we are moving on to domestic infant adoption. February 2012: Matched! May 2012: Placed with our son!
  • I know how you are feeling.  I waited 4 years.  A little different story for me, I am a single woman, and was waiting thru foster care.  But after a long torturous wait I have my son.  It was well worth the wait.  Something someone told me after I brought him home that helped comfort me was "you had to wait so long to adopt because he hadn't been born yet".  Maybe this can give you comfort.  I think each child finds their parents in due time.  Things happen when they are supposed to happen.  It's hard I know, but try to keep your chin up and your baby will find his/her way to you. 
  • We are not in the same situation but this has helped us.MIL said it to me years ago when we first started talking about a family. It has stuck with me all this time.

    Luke 12:7

    7But even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not therefore: ye are of more value than many sparrows.

    This passage is talking about the Pharisees and their hypocrisy. Jesus is making a point of our worth. Our Creator knows each and every one of us so well that he knows the number of hairs on our heads.
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  • You have been waiting 6 weeks. There are a lot of situations that may come and go.

    DH and I were shown 3x in the first 4-6 weeks of waiting. We were only told that afterward, so we didn't have to sit around waiting to know if someone had picked us. We were called a few weeks after that about whether we wanted to be shown. It wasn't a drug exposure situation (we were pretty narrow in our requirements too) but a medical one. The BM had a medical condition with a strong genetic component, and a strong possibility it could impact quality of life for the child at some unknown point in the future. We had about 2 hours to discuss it and decide if we wanted to take it on or not. I had to wake up my DH, suffering from the flu, to figure out what we wanted to do.

    I felt *horrible* calling the SW and saying no, we didn't want to be shown. She assured me that there was nothing wrong with saying no, and that she'd rather we do that than get ourselves in a situation we couldn't handle. Which wouldn't have helped anyone.

    A week later we got a call about DD. Her BM's background happened to hit all the criteria, and DD was perfect.

    What you may want to do is talk to some other waiting families and see if your requirements form can be tweaked. Right before we started with our agency, the form was VERY generic and broad, and PAPs asked the agency to change the form. Instead of just any drug exposure, they had different types of drugs (and alcohol) and frequency of use, per trimester. I think it helped a lot, and gave us more specific things to discuss with our dr, etc.

    Hang in there. And vent anytime. it can be a frustrating experience at times. But it's so worth it.

  • Thanks everyone! I was feeling bad this morning about having to say no to another situation. I do realize we haven't been waiting that long at all. I think what got to me was the back and forth of these past few situations in such a short period of time. It has made me realize how quickly my life can change. I was losing focus because of all the emotions we have been feeling lately. I also think because so many of these situations have come up so fast and we had to turn them down I was just starting to get confused. I was really beginning to think we were only going to be given these situations and that i might really need to reevaluate things. 

     Whoever suggested revamping the preference checklist that is a great idea. I may get in touch with our SW. 

    [url=http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/314463]
    [img]http://www.fertilityfriend.com/ticker/314463/ttc.png[/img]
    [/url]



    TTC since June 2010
    BFP #1 July 2010 missed M/C at 6 1/2 weeks D& C
    TTCAL since November 2010
    Me= 27, everything normal-HSG all clear
    DH= 27, normal

    Unexplained infertility

    June 2011 50mg Clomid + Ovidrel = BFN
    July 2011 Femara + Ovidrel = BFN
    August 2011 Break d/t having HSG completed (all clear)
    September 2011 increased Femara + Repronex + ovidrel = BFN
    October 2011 Repronex only = cancelled due to overstimulation

    Looking for new RE due to poor staff

    December 2011 femara + menopur+trigger+IUI= BFN
    January and February 2012 break to gear up for IVF
    March 2012 IVF#1 transferred 2 beautiful day 5 embryos= BFN
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