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Question for BM's

MrsLuWhoMrsLuWho
in Blended Families

If you were truly concerned with how your children were being treated at your ex's house or the kids told you they didn't want to go, would you continue to send them?

I am just curious about this as I know if I were in that situation if my ex didn't care either way, I would want to keep them.

Just curious!! 

 

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Re: Question for BM's

  • superkarynfragilisticsuperkarynfragilistic member

    I would try to get to the root of why my child did not want to go to her father's house.  If I had legitimate concerns over how my daughter was treated at his house, I would meet with xh and, if necessary, SM. 

    I run into the opposite problem, my ex and I always want out daughter at each of our respective houses.  Now that she is a pre-teen, she has her own ideas of where she wants to be and when.  It's been a learning experience for all of us.

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  • MrsLuWhoMrsLuWho
    imagesuperkarynfragilistic:

    I would try to get to the root of why my child did not want to go to her father's house.  If I had legitimate concerns over how my daughter was treated at his house, I would meet with xh and, if necessary, SM. 

    I run into the opposite problem, my ex and I always want out daughter at each of our respective houses.  Now that she is a pre-teen, she has her own ideas of where she wants to be and when.  It's been a learning experience for all of us.

    The bm bad mouths us. Tells the kids horrible things about us. Bates them with what she will buy them when they get home. Doesn't want them to like me. And then....expects when it's her "weekend off" for them to just want to jump in the car and go. I can see how it is extremely confusing for them. She talks about them being "her kids" and not needing to discuss decisions with him. However, when he tells her then what is the point if you don't want me to be involved, they are now "his kids". It's insane! 

    OH....and we have met....We asked to sit down with her...but she is like a child. It's very sad. 

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  • bebe11bebe11 member
    My DD doesn't always want to go to her Dad's house, her reasons are not always valid enough for me to ask her Dad about it.  When I have in the past it would just create bigger issues.  I have offered to keep my DD on Wednesday nights, but my ex won't give up the time, even though he and his GF act like my DD is a burdon. 

     

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  • Annplus1Annplus1 member

    Lu, those poor kids. If I remember, they are like 8 & 5, right? Has your DH tried to talk directly to them? Is it worth it to go back to mediation regarding badmouthing the other parent? (alienation clause I think it's called).

     

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  • MrsLuWhoMrsLuWho
    imageAnnplus1:

    Lu, those poor kids. If I remember, they are like 8 & 5, right? Has your DH tried to talk directly to them? Is it worth it to go back to mediation regarding badmouthing the other parent? (alienation clause I think it's called).

     

    Yes..you are correct on the ages...They are talking about going back to mediation as we speak. They are actually trying to meet tomorrow on their own 1st to see if they can come to some sort of agreement regarding it all. My husband of course had to initiate it all. He said please come tomorrow ready to reach an agreement about everything. Her only response was..."I won't take anything less than $$$ (the amount she receives now). This meeting between them was not only about trying to adjust support accordingly. It is about the bad mouthing, and time, and everything in between. But that is all she seems to be concerned with.

    My dh has talked directly to them on numerous occasions. She really has brainwashed them to be just like her though. It is really sad to see. They only want to be with us if we are providing a "fun" weekend for them. If we buy them things or keep them busy. If lets say my LO is sick so we will be hanging out at home the whole time, they cry and complain until they go home.  

    She wants them to want to come with us on our time, but she wants to control our time. She wants to have them calling her every 10 minutes just so she can tell them all of the exciting things she is buying them. ITS CRAZY!! 

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  • MrsLuWhoMrsLuWho

    imagebebe11:
    My DD doesn't always want to go to her Dad's house, her reasons are not always valid enough for me to ask her Dad about it.  When I have in the past it would just create bigger issues.  I have offered to keep my DD on Wednesday nights, but my ex won't give up the time, even though he and his GF act like my DD is a burdon. 

    I agree not all issues are valid enough. bm doesnt feel that way. If ANYTHING is said, even by dh mom, she is texting us trying to regulate the situation. Yet, she wants to send them over so she can party all weekend. It's no wonder they dont want to come. She makes them feel the invalid complaints are something of substance and then sends them anyway.

    I commend you for offering to keep you dd. Not because it makes it easier on him, but because that is what I think any truly loving parent would do for their child. 

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  • fellesferiefellesferie member
    If neither the child nor the parent wanted the parenting time, I wouldn't bust my butt enforcing it.
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  • MrsLuWhoMrsLuWho

    imagefellesferie:
    If neither the child nor the parent wanted the parenting time, I wouldn't bust my butt enforcing it.

    This is how I feel 100%. That is what I don't get. You don't want them to like us or being with us, yet you want them to come over no problem on your weekends off??


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  • superkarynfragilisticsuperkarynfragilistic member
    imageMrsLuWho:
    imagesuperkarynfragilistic:

    I would try to get to the root of why my child did not want to go to her father's house.  If I had legitimate concerns over how my daughter was treated at his house, I would meet with xh and, if necessary, SM. 

    I run into the opposite problem, my ex and I always want out daughter at each of our respective houses.  Now that she is a pre-teen, she has her own ideas of where she wants to be and when.  It's been a learning experience for all of us.

    The bm bad mouths us. Tells the kids horrible things about us. Bates them with what she will buy them when they get home. Doesn't want them to like me. And then....expects when it's her "weekend off" for them to just want to jump in the car and go. I can see how it is extremely confusing for them. She talks about them being "her kids" and not needing to discuss decisions with him. However, when he tells her then what is the point if you don't want me to be involved, they are now "his kids". It's insane! 

    OH....and we have met....We asked to sit down with her...but she is like a child. It's very sad. 

    I'm sorry.  That must be very difficult for you and for the children.  I hope you are able to find some sort of resolution. 

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