Not pregnant

clairmeij

Bah. This sucks. I know that many have been trying for longer than I have, and to those people I apologize, because I can't imagine what you are going through.

Its truly like my heart broke this morning when I got my period...

The up side is V is making some comfort food for dinner. Mexican hamburgers with grass fed bison burgers - delicious... And I'll be drinking a lot of wine.

I would rather be teetotal and pregnant though.

It doesn't help that every time we tell our parents that it didn't work they keep saying things like, 'Well, maybe you should switch donors' or 'You should get yourself checked out again' In reality, I know that three tries isn't an awful lot. I am so so so happy for all the BFPs, but seeing so many first time successes on this board has got me down a bit - I start questioning everything. And it seems like I see 5 pregnant women and lots of babies every time I leave the house.

I hope its my turn soon, or I'm likely to drive myself insane.

Sorry for the vent, I know it sounds selfish, but I'm not feeling incredibly selfless today. 

 

 

ball.and.chain

It's OK to be sad and it's OK to vent.  In some ways it gets easier -- you get more used to seeing the negative tests and you just start expecting them -- and in some ways it gets harder -- every negative test is one cycle closer to maybe-this-will-never-happen.  For your sake, I hope you don't have to learn that firsthand.  After the last BFN, I lay down on the bed for a minute and realized if I let myself, I would have stayed there all day, staring at the ceiling.  Pregnancy announcements from people who haven't been trying long feel like a punch in the gut, even when it's people I am truly happy for.  It hurts.  And I've only been doing this for a year...some try much longer before they are successful.

You're right that 3 tries is not a lot.  Of course you can switch donors at any time -- there's the beauty of using a donor -- but 3 BFNs certainly doesn't mean it's necessary.  Nor does it mean that anything's wrong with you.  You clearly know this, so I'm just backing you up here.  I'm sure your parents are lovely, but if none of them are REs, they probably know less than you do about conception (especially AI) at this point.  Trust your instincts and your knowledge, but you can alter your plan at any point.  3 BFNs is the point at which I decided I wanted some basic testing done to reassure myself that I wasn't sinking a lot of time/money/heartache into something that wasn't going to work without intervention.  I got b/w done, then had an HSG and an RE consult, then did one more IUI with our midwife practice before switching to the RE completely.  Are you seeing an RE already?

I won't say, "It will be your turn soon," because it might not be and I'm not going to lie to you -- but know that lots of people are crossing their fingers for you in the  meantime -- and you can vent here whenever you like.

clairmeij

Thank you so much for taking the time to write this really thoughtful response. 

I not only appreciate the support, but also the cameraderie of this board - it helps knowing that there are other people 'like me' out there  

Your questions about our method prompted me to figure out how to add a signature - after a couple of glasses of prosecco no less  Thanks!

 We have been using an RE. I went in requesting to do things 'as naturally as possible' - which honestly, I regret a little now... He agreed though. His logic was that since I have never shown any signs of reproductive issues, and my family are, well, like rabbits that it made sense to start off 'naturally'. Before the last IUI I had suggested monitoring and medication, and he said that based on the statistics he'd recommend one more try without the meds and monitoring. 

I emailed him today letting him know that I started my period, and asked to talk about starting drugs or medication for the next cycle. I didn't think to ask about testing - but I think I'll bring it up when we talk. I need to order more sperm, but I am thinking one or two more tries with this donor, and then I might consider changing. It sounds silly, but we feel pretty attached to this one because he looks as though he could be my partner's brother.

I really appreciate your frankness - I'm not looking for sunshine and roses

It looks like you've had your fair share of these - I hope that turns around for you soon. 

ball.and.chain

clairmeij:

We have been using an RE. I went in requesting to do things 'as naturally as possible' - which honestly, I regret a little now... He agreed though. His logic was that since I have never shown any signs of reproductive issues, and my family are, well, like rabbits that it made sense to start off 'naturally'. Before the last IUI I had suggested monitoring and medication, and he said that based on the statistics he'd recommend one more try without the meds and monitoring. 

I have some regrets about starting out low-intervention (our midwife practice), but that's really how we wanted this to go and in some ways I'm glad I gave it a shot.  I am surprised your RE didn't do CD3 b/w and an HSG -- I thought that was standard procedure when starting with an RE.  I am pretty sure he would not let you go on meds before doing that first (the idea being that you don't want to waste meds cycles if one or both of your tubes are blocked), so that may be coming your way.

My RE has also said there was no need to medicate right away (she does monitor in any case just to get the timing right)...but then here we are at Cycle 9 just starting Clomid.  I'm glad we really tried to do things a bit more naturally but I also know it's time to step up our game.  Some people get to that point more quickly than I did.

ETA: REs can also do sperm analysis on your donor sperm before they use the specimen for your IUI.  Mine does it routinely, some don't, but they should at least have the capability since they would be doing it for men in straight couples.  If you are attached to your donor, it might be worth asking about -- though you should definitely find out how much it costs before you go for it (as far as I can tell, my insurance has been covering it).  We were somewhat attached to our first donor and once we were using the RE, we found out that his motile counts were below the cryobank's guaranteed minimum.  So we were able to seek (and receive) credits from the cryobank for those vials AND got the information we needed to make us finally switch.

Kershnic

Ultimately whether or not a person should take a medication, I.e. the balance between chances for a harmful impact vs. Chances for a beneficial impact, is between an individual patient and his or her doctor. However, I think there's a bit of a myth in the lesbian ttc world that clomid is a 'get-pregnant-faster' medication. Clomid is an ovulation induction medication, which can either produce ovulation in women who don't ovulate naturally or improve ovulation in women who have low quality natural ovulation. If a woman's body already does these things the benefit is quite unclear. The harm (other than increased risk of multiples) is also fairly unclear, so many doctors are willing to prescribe it freely. Just like many doctors prescribe antibiotics fairly freely. But any BFN is a kick in the gut, whether it's #1 or 1 million. I hope you get your BFP soon. This process sucks and is crazy-making to the extreme.

tdmklm

Kershnic:

But any BFN is a kick in the gut, whether it's #1 or 1 million. I hope you get your BFP soon. This process sucks and is crazy-making to the extreme.

This.

In particular, as lesbian couples, we don't get the benefit of fun, relaxed TTC at first. I'm not discounting infertility among heterosexual couples here - we have very personal experiences in our family - but for most people, it starts off differently than it does for us. We start under pressure; track cycle, use ovulation predictors, buy sperm, pay for the process, wait fifteen months for the each TWW to be over, and (most of the time) start over. It's emotionally exhausting.

clairmeij

ball.and.chain - our RE does an analysis as standard with the thaw, and he considers the numbers to be 'good' so I am hoping that its just a case that the swimmers didn't hit the mark.

Kershnic - our RE spent quite a while talking about Clomid and Femara and the risks of multiples. He mentioned that because of those risks he prefers to try unmedicated first in instances where there is no indication of a problem. From what I gather, he prefers Femara to Clomid.

tdmklm - thank you for the support  

I really appreciate the discussion and support - I hate to come accross a whiney, especially when there are so many people so much farther down the road than me, so thank you. 

 

hlke

I do think it is harder for lesbian couples, because each try is so high-stakes and dramatic.  You can't just BD every other day mid-cycle and hope for the best, and I think that can make the BFNs harder.

 We're also on our third cycle, and we both have struggled with some big disappointment at our BFNs, especially C who is carrying.  And I'm ready to both steal random babies on the street and have IVF tomorrow I want this so bad.  It's okay for it to be hard on your third cycle, and the feelings you are having are totally normal.  I also take the first try BFPs hard, and desperately hope that the women on here who have been trying longer than us get pregnant first even though I want it to happen for us so badly.  So yeah, it can be hard and make you feel a little crazy. *hugs*, you're not alone.

clairmeij

Thank you hike - hugs back to you guys. 

I hope it happens for you (and the others on this board that are trying) soon.

xo 

ball.and.chain

hlke:

I also take the first try BFPs hard, and desperately hope that the women on here who have been trying longer than us get pregnant first even though I want it to happen for us so badly.

Awwww...that's the sweetest thing a sort-of stranger on the internet has ever said about me!  (Assuming you're including me in that group).

BFPs for EVERYONE!

hlke

ball.and.chain:

hlke:

I also take the first try BFPs hard, and desperately hope that the women on here who have been trying longer than us get pregnant first even though I want it to happen for us so badly.

Awwww...that's the sweetest thing a sort-of stranger on the internet has ever said about me!  (Assuming you're including me in that group).

BFPs for EVERYONE!

Yeah, you all probably know who you are.