Am I overreacting?

Tmmeans07

FTM, and have for years been dead set on a natural birth. From the get go, my husband was right there with me as far as natural birthing went. We've watched the business of being born together, and decided to give the Bradley Method a try. We do not have access to classes, so I bought both of the books. 

 

I'm 31 weeks currently, and read the books months ago to begin preparing for labor. DH was on midnights, so it made it hard for him to practice with me as far as relaxing me goes. He has yet to even finish one of the books. I keep telling him how important this is to me, and that I really need him to read the books, as I don't want to be telling him in the delivery room what HE should be doing as far as getting me to relax. I'm beginning to get so discouraged.

He's now on day shift, home by 3:30 (started Monday). He has yet to begin finishing the first book, and reading the other. He also hasn't done anything as far as practice goes. Each night, after our walk, I tell him I'm going to take a bath, then if we could practice. Each night the same dang thing happens- he wants to watch tv after my bath, falls asleep on the couch, then after I wake him up he goes upstairs. Says "Okay what do we do." Well, by that time I'm so dang tense and irritated with him that it takes me maybe 10 minutes to really calm down. During that time I brush my teeth and get ready for bed. I come back in the room, and he's fast asleep. -__-

 I've tried to tell him repeatedly how important his help is to me, and he's 100% gung ho unti it comes time to actually DO IT. I also began researching hypnobirthing, since I've seen a lot of moms use that as well as the bradley. So, tonight I asked him to come to bed with me and help me. Once again, I took a bath (he jumped in too), he wanted to watch a tv show, fell asleep then after I went upstairs and laid down (he was still awake at this point), I turn on the hypno CD and he falls asleep. Urrgggh. I even made him move the walk up an hour early tonight!

 I'm so dang tense anymore. I feel like, we agreed to do this TOGETHER. I wanted to do the bradley method so that he would feel as involved as he could as far as the delivery goes. He's 100% all about it, but when it comes time to actually do it, he shows no interest in helping me. I keep feeling like come baby day, I'll need to rely 100% on myself to calm down and end up kicking him out of the room for irritating me and not knowing what to do to help me relax. I know I don't NEED anyone to help me, but I've been so looking forward to this special, intimate moment between my husband and I. I just feel so let down by him. 

zaramarie81

First - my hubby and I aren't always in sync either. I tend to be the gung-ho researcher who gets on these kicks and has special projects I hyperfocus on, and he is more laid back. The first and second tri felt like a honeymoon for us as he was such a caring, sweet hubby. Now that we're in the third tri, we've encountered some tensions as baby's arrival inches closer.

There are so many factors that could be going on here... some fathers have a hard time understanding how "real" and imminent l&d is. Us women feel and experience the pregnancy very intimately, and some men struggle to connect until the baby arrives! I know some men can't even discuss names until days before delivery. 

Other factors may be his own underlying fears or just lack of understanding the importance of his role. 

Hormones also play a role... our hormones as pregnant women affect us AND men also undergo hormonal shifts as baby arrives (many experience a hormonal "drive" to provide for the family financially and may spend more time at work or even have a mini "midlife crisis"). I am seeing this in my Dh too... he is hyperfocused on finding a new job whereas all I can talk about is natural birth.

So... not sure what's totally going on here except that you're not alone in these experiences and try to lay off your hubby. Try to let go of certain expectations... being a FTD is just as huge of a life change as being a FTM and grace needs to be offered to both parties! One thing that helped us was meeting with a doula... that third party presence has really helped difuse some of the tension and helped us talk out some of our underlying thoughts and fears. I also know that even if Dh is a deer in headlights for labor, our doula will be there to help so the pressure is off him to be "perfect." 

 

Tmmeans07

Thanks so much for your reply! It really surprises me because he has been SO involved this entire pregnancy, but when it comes to this one thing (go figure the thing I kinda need him for now that the main part is taken care of) he's so- vacant. I'm the same way, fling myself into reseaching what's best for me/my family, whereas he takes the more laid back approach. I will honestly say I was a bit surprised HOW gung ho he was about a natural birth, then doing the bradley method and hypnobabies. 

I'd love to have a doula, but there aren't any around me :. There are a few about 2.5 hours away, but they want extra to come so far. Which I can understand, but it's more than we can afford comfrtoably, for something that may end in a totally different scenario My mom is coming down 3 days after my due date, and has been studying the bradley method books as well (she lives 12 hours away), JIC DH passes out or anything. I'm thankful she's willing to be a watered down doula, as she had my 2 siblings and I naturally all those years ago, but I don't want to have to depend on her to be my "coach", and what happens if LO decides to come before she's able to be here?

I do feel more hormonal in the last few weeks, and I know the poor guy is left scratching his head some days when I get irritated/anxious over the teeniest things. Bah! Why can't they experience the hormonal ups and downs as much as we do?!  

zaramarie81

That's really great your mom is planning on being a support! Yes, any support to take the pressure off! I hear you too on timing.. I am sweating through the timing on our due date too.

Hopefully, your Dh will kick into high gear as your third tri progresses. I can only imagine what it's like for husbands in this process! My own Dh had way more fears than I realized... I felt like I was beating him over the head to talk about details of baby's arrival and it turned out he was just hoping we would all survive the experience (he was born 8 weeks early and barely lived as were his siblings. Not sure why I hadn't made the connection!)

phq2011

My DH is nervous and wants to participate as much as possible, but he gets very uptight if he doesn't understand what is going on. Tonight I had some contractions and couldn't communicate to him, so he got frustrated and it caused me to tense, making things worse. He called our instructor who suggested that he hold my hand and I can squeeze it at the beginning and end of each contraction. I know you don't have an instructor, but maybe he can call your mom if he gets lost during labor.

Temp76535187505890

Are there any natural birth focused educated classes in your area that you can take him to?  I know my husband never ever would have finished a single chapter in a birth method book and it's doubtful I even would have either.  But I was able to get him to a weekend intensive birth education class.  It wasn't Bradley or Lamaze or anything specific but touched on a lot of different ways to help during labor.  It was immensely helpful to getting him to understand his role in the process and it sparked conversations on what I would need or desired him to do during labor. 

RockyMtnMama

My DH was very supportive of natural birth, but I also couldn't get him to read the books with me.  I would read passages of Natural Childbirth the Bradley Way and Ina May's guide to him and sometimes show him exercises, but he wasn't that in-tune with actually doing much until we took the classes.

I think most guys are visual learners, so maybe taking a natural childbirth class (even if it isn't Bradley and costs you $250) is worth it to help your DH prepare.  Also, letting him know that you need the support and are considering a doula or having a friend there, who is informed/been through birth/or has at least read the books, is probably a good route for you two to discuss.

ETA: For my first "typical" marathon length natural birth, we studied Bradley primarily, but relaxation techniques from yoga and actually mtn biking also helped.  That being said, I not only had my DH, who had studied Bradley with me, but my sister who had already given birth, and 2 girlfriends there to support me.  I also had a nurse and midwife.  So as you see, we had a lot of people in support roles.  I found that not only do you need support from 1-3 people, but often your DH needs support and a break if you have a typical first birth. 

 

runrinserepeat

ArmyQM:

Are there any natural birth focused educated classes in your area that you can take him to?  I know my husband never ever would have finished a single chapter in a birth method book and it's doubtful I even would have either.  But I was able to get him to a weekend intensive birth education class.  It wasn't Bradley or Lamaze or anything specific but touched on a lot of different ways to help during labor.  It was immensely helpful to getting him to understand his role in the process and it sparked conversations on what I would need or desired him to do during labor. 

I second the suggestion for a class. DH was supportive of my wish for a natural birth, but he never would have read a book about it. Even with the Bradley class, I only got him to practice a couple of times. The classes really helped him understand why I felt so strongly about it and made him more supportive of my decision.

Have you considered hiring a doula? If you're not going to get the support you need from your husband, it's probably a good investment.

robyn2201

I was going to suggest a doula but you have already addressed the fact that aren't any close to you. Regarding practicing your relaxation exercises, can you do them before your walk or right when he gets home? Before he gets tired? I would also search online and see if you can find any videos in which you can watch together. Possibly there is something on youtube? I don't normally recommend hospital classes but it might be better than nothing. Does your hospital have anything? GL!

choppinbroccoli22

I'm sorry you're feeling so anxious.

 My H and I decided to switch practices from OB to MW after we watched BBB on the recommendation of a friend. I bought books, "Easing Labor Pain", and "Active Labor", and earmarked pages that I wanted DH to look at-- maybe even practice with me?? No. That didn't happen, but somehow I knew we'd be OK. I knew that my relaxation basically had to come from within, and he was going to be...well...a labor prop.

As a labor prop, my H worked his a** off during our 44 hr labor. I think the man may have been working as hard as me at times. He was pushing so hard on me where I told him to, to give me relief, that his arms were shaking and I had a minor welt after hours and hours of this. He was on the bed holding me down, pushing on me where I needed him to... he was half in the tub giving me pressure... The man CAME THROUGH. I could not have done it without him. My MW was all of 95 lb soaking wet, and she tried but could not hold me down, so I could relax, the way my husband could when my legs were shaking.

Give your H some credit, have faith in yourself, and you will be in this together. It's really too bad you can't sign up for a power birth class somewhere-- travel and make a weekend out of it-- to get his head in the game. Maybe your MW knows of some resources? That really helped my H focus on some key things. We had to do a power class because his schedule didn't allow for the usual series of classes.

pdilly2b

Sounds like you two aren't really meshing on the types of things you want to do to prepare - like you want to read and practice for set aside specific periods of time whereas that doesn't seem to be working for him.  Big question is what would work for him?  Like maybe you can read a couple important passages to him over dinner and then discuss while you eat (or on car rides)?  Or he can practice giving you a massage or stroking down on your shoulders or something while the TV is on (or during commercials)?  Anyway, I don't think pressuring him to come to your way of doing things will necessarily be effective, so it may be worth trying to figure out prepping can fit into his schedule so you don't end up in labor and not being prepared.

mAnYaSha

DH took all (but breastfeeding) classes with me with DS. We learned the breathing techniques in class and were supposed to practice them at home. That never took place, but when the time came, DH did great.

As pp said, it is not as real to them as it is for you. They also have an option to check out and let "professionals" step in. I have been frustrated with DH not reading the books this time around, but they just cannot relate to them like we do, so it is beyond boring to them.

May be make him some cheat sheets and let him review those. May be get videos instead of books and sit next to him to elbow him when he starts falling asleep.

CurbsideProphet

I would continue to look for a doula who lives nearby.

I would ask your doctor/midwife, the doulas who live too far away, local board/birth group, etc.

I also think some type of class would be helpful to try and get your DH on board. If he will not help, I would try to do as much as you can on your own. 

Good luck. 

judahsmommy1

My DH read no books while I was pregnant. We took the traditional childbirth class through our hospital and watched a childbirth class on DVD together. That was it. He was AMAZING. He was the only person I wanted and the only person who could really help me relax. It wasn't that he knew the methods it's that he knew ME. That was worth waaaaaay more than all the books that I had read.

I think we tend to get really wrapped up in the methods because it gives us this illusion of control over our deliveries. It's scary to think of going into childbirth and being out of control and facing discomfort and possible intense pain. We want something to hold on to that we know will make it better. My DH was that for me. I held on to him... both figuratively and literally at times! I had both my mother and a doula there and I appreciated both of their presence... but they weren't my DH. 

I think if I had tried to do a "method" with my DH he probably would have reacted the same way. Honestly, that's a lot of pressure. What if he messes it up? What if he can't remember it? What if he FAILS you when you need him most? It's a lot easier to just shut down. The thing that I really believe is that in knowing you he knows what he needs to know to help you. Have discussions about how you're going to communicate during labor. Do things that build trust between the two of you. (more communication.)  Then do your best to trust him. You both will do great.

ridesbuttons

Sweetie, as much as you want your husband to participate and as much as you think you will be doing everything together, at the end of the day it is you who will be labouring and you who will be delivering the babe.  Getting worked up right now because your husband is not doing to reading or practicing that you want him to do is counterproductive.

Have a heart to heart with him.  Let him know how important his support is to you, that you need him.

But prepare yourself, practice what you need to yourself whether or not he jumps on board.

beckpreg

I think everyone has had such wonderful comments. Its amazing to see how alike our marriages, ourselves and husbands can be sometimes. Its so relateable isnt it?

Anyway, Im in the same boat. DH is so supportive and willing to go the bradley route with me but the books came and after reading a page or two he has such a huge sense of accomplishment lol whereas I am burning through them plus some others at the same time. But how can I give him a hard time about this when we have been together for nearly six years and I have NEVER seen the man read a book, even of some topic he finds highly interesting. Its just not his thing. And I get that.

In light of that, as I am reading, I flag things that are hugely important to me that he reads. This will not only limit what he has to read (im sure he will appreciate) but it will serve to give me confidence that he hit the high points.

I also have to consider that during our marriage, I have been in severe pain before for about a week b/c of some bad dental work that left my neck and jaw out of alignment. During this time, when I was hurting so badly I literally begged him to kill me (no dr. could figure out what was wrong for a week) he was sooooo supportive and helpful with my pain management. So, I cannot imagine that in L & D he would suddenly become absent or unable to help me cope.

I think, like so many people have posted, YES its important to them and YES they support us but they are different in how they receive the info and we kind of might have to bridge the gap a bit on this issue.