Opinions Wanted - marital dispute

KerryHS

I will try to keep this short, but would really appreciate people weighing in.

Brief Background

My parents have made a real mess out of their financial lives.  This started when I was about 15.  If there was a bad decision that they could make, they would make it.  They have repeatedly sacraficed a safer, more modest style of living for the appearance of having more money. They borrowed a lot of money from me (about 40,000) and have denied it.  My father passed away last year leaving my mother to deal with the whole mess.  My mother now claims to be completely unaware that my father ever borrowed money.  I don't think her pride will allow her to remember it any other way.  She is broke and desparately needs help to buy a new car.  My husband and I agree on all of the above.

The Disagreement 

I think we should help her buy a car and my husband doesn't.  My mom still has some assets that she could sell which would allow her to buy a new car herself.  My husband thinks that helping her out now only allows her to continue to make bad descisions.  I think that she is broken and isn't ever going to make the right decisions.  She is 72.  Right or wrong she isn't going to change.  Even if it is never going to be recognized or really appreciated I think we should help her.  I just don't think her car is safe.  We can't afford a fancy car, but we could help her with a modest and safe vehicle.

 I am very torn. I love my DH and he is such a good man, but he is unforgiving on this subject, partly, I think, because i have been treated badly by my parents in the past.

What do you think?  I am crazy to want to help out someone.  Is DH right that she should deplete her own assets before we help her?  Or should we just be the bigger people and help her because it is the right thing to do?

TIA

newbee36

You are right. Your mom will most likely not change now when she is 72. But she is your mom, and I understand why you want o help her. But I also understand your husband. If she's not treated you right, and is still doing so, why help her when she can afford a car herself? 

If I were you, I would probably offer to her to help her sell the assets that she has, and help her find find a car. Considering all the above, I wouldn't help her financially if DH does not agree on that. Besides, why doesn't she pay for her car if she can afford it?  

Jessica Swanlake

You are not crazy to want to help your mother- of course you want to help her, she is your mom. It is only natural that you feel responsible for her now that your dad is gone. Your husband is right though. If she needs a new car, which at her age I would seriously question the safety of her driving, then she should buy something modest that she can afford on her own. You have sacrificed enough and are enabling her to continue to be irresponsible with money. What makes it worse is that she won't acknowledge what you have done for her. The lack of gratitude is appalling.

You have your own family to worry about now. Let her sort out her own problems. You would be surprised how resourceful people can become when they are forced to do things without assistance from others.

Pesky

I have to kind of agree with your DH here.  Your mom is not only denying she has problems managing money but that she ever borrowed money from you -- to the tune of FORTY.THOUSAND.DOLLARS.  Um, she is so far up De-Nile, she ain't ever coming back.  I agree that you can help her pick a safe and reliable used car within her budget but quite frankly, I'm not sure I would foot the bill of that sort unless you are willing to take the $15k or so for a car for her and kiss it good-bye (either by buying the car outright for her or setting it up so you make the payments).  No lying, it's tough one but I'm not sure how much you are helping by throwing more fuel on the fire so to speak.

gimmietimmies

Pesky:

I have to kind of agree with your DH here.  Your mom is not only denying she has problems managing money but that she ever borrowed money from you -- to the tune of FORTY.THOUSAND.DOLLARS.  Um, she is so far up De-Nile, she ain't ever coming back.  I agree that you can help her pick a safe and reliable used car within her budget but quite frankly, I'm not sure I would foot the bill of that sort unless you are willing to take the $15k or so for a car for her and kiss it good-bye (either by buying the car outright for her or setting it up so you make the payments).  No lying, it's tough one but I'm not sure how much you are helping by throwing more fuel on the fire so to speak.

I'm with Pesky here. Even at 72, it's not helping if you bail her out again, family or not. She doesn't even acknowledge what you've done for her previously. I'd help her sort out her own finances to manage it and either fix the car she has or get a new one. Remember, you're out $40k that you'll likely never see again, and a car is a losing investment. That's more money that could have been put toward savings or house or any number of expenses.

I'm not saying never help family, but I don't think bailing her out is helping.

KerryHS

Thank you all for wieghing in.  It really helps to have objective opinions.  It is easy to get tangled up in pre-defined family roles.   Clearly, I have been the "fixer".   

 Her last assest is her silver.  It is not family silver, but silver that she has bought herself with an inheritance when she was younger.  It is this crazy expensive Italian silver and it worth alot -- especially at the price of silver these days.  I honestly think she would go without food before she would sell it.  Since there are 4 kids in my family, I am not sure who she would even leave it to. 

 DH thinks it is better for the whole family if she just sells it and uses the money to help herself rather than deal with the fallout of of "who gets the silver?"  when she passes.  And, no, even though I have helped out financially, it is not a given that she would give the silver to me. Honestly, I am not even sure that  would want it knowing what she sacraficed to keep it.  Blech, argh, ugh!!! Family can make you nuts!

Thanks so much!

 

Maggee206

Wow this is a tough situation.  I think the previous posts provide good ideas. When you are in the heat of it, it is tough. What is your mom's idea?

Piranha54

I agree with everyone else - totally natural to want to help your mom, but I wouldn't just buy her a car.  I like the idea of helping her sell her assets etc. so she can get the car herself.  Still helping her but with her own $$ and not yours.  I would also suggest that maybe you find someone like a financial planner who can help her get things sorted out now so you don't have to deal with it later.

fauxshelley

I feel like if you have the means to help her without financially hurting you or your DH, then why not do it.  On the other hand, if buying her a car would be a financial burden to you (as it would be to most of us), then help her sell her assets, or maybe offer to buy them from her if you can do that.

3rdat40

Honestly, I'm with your DH on this one. Sorry, but sometimes you've got to use a little tough love!

jlw2505

newbee36:

You are right. Your mom will most likely not change now when she is 72. But she is your mom, and I understand why you want o help her. But I also understand your husband. If she's not treated you right, and is still doing so, why help her when she can afford a car herself? 

If I were you, I would probably offer to her to help her sell the assets that she has, and help her find find a car. Considering all the above, I wouldn't help her financially if DH does not agree on that. Besides, why doesn't she pay for her car if she can afford it?  

This

JuneBug0611

Lurker here, but I had an idea.  Why don't you offer to buy the silver from her?  Then she gets the money, you get the silver so she doesn't have to be sad about it going outside the family, there is no future dispute about who gets the silver, and you're not just enabling her at the cost of you and your DH.

vanverth

JuneBug0611:

Lurker here, but I had an idea.  Why don't you offer to buy the silver from her?  Then she gets the money, you get the silver so she doesn't have to be sad about it going outside the family, there is no future dispute about who gets the silver, and you're not just enabling her at the cost of you and your DH.

I think that she has already bought and paid for the silver, to the tune of $40,000. 

I do not think that it is wrong of you to want to help your mother but it only feeds into her bad behavior.  Help her look for a car but do not buy it for her or co-sign the loan.  She has the resources to buy if she wanted to. 

EastCoastBride

If she has options (which she does) then I'm w/ your DH.  To give her the $$ when she could sell the silver is only enabling her - yet again.  She doesn't have to give up anything herself, but you're giving up $$ AND you're upsetting your DH.

She "may never change", but I don't feel that means you have to continue to support her.

 

laurakaz13

3rdat40:

Honestly, I'm with your DH on this one. Sorry, but sometimes you've got to use a little tough love!

This. 

KerryHS

Thank you all for taking the time to respond.  I really appreciate it.  Thanks also for being kind about it.  You are a good bunch!

MesmrEwe

JuneBug0611:

Lurker here, but I had an idea.  Why don't you offer to buy the silver from her?  Then she gets the money, you get the silver so she doesn't have to be sad about it going outside the family, there is no future dispute about who gets the silver, and you're not just enabling her at the cost of you and your DH.

I think given your options, this is probably the BEST way to go with you taking posession of said silver (take it in to be tested to assure that it is real and not counterfeit)...  If you help her get a replacement vehicle, it's only for a used one, if not a vehicle rotation such that one of your vehicles goes to her and you purchase a replacement for yourselves. 

How to discuss this with your DH...  Simple, if she loses her driving confidence at this point, that means you become the chaufer's.  Once the confidence is gone, it's gone forever.  Having a basic vehicle to go get groceries, prescriptions, to the doc, etc. doesn't require something new. 

NewlyWeds13

If they really borrowed 40K from you and did not pay back-- I think it is fair that your husband ask you not to give more.

IMO-- unless you have the money to buy a car for her out of your own personal money (not joint or house savings) then I think your husband's feelings on the subject need to be honored.

I would just tell your mother that you wish you could help her, but since you already gave them 40K that she does not remember-- it is not fair for you to ask your DH to give even more.   Just say, I don't have enough money to be in the hole by 50K (or however much you would be in after the 40K + the car).