Is it unreasonable to expect generous birthmother expenses? (long)
This ended up being very long because I really wanted readers to know where I am coming from, but if you don't want to read it, then the title says it all. However, if you want the backstory, see below:
I am considering getting pregnant for the sole purpose of placing the baby for adoption. I am 40 with a grown child already, and I accidentally got pregnant in '07. My son was 17 at the time, and I knew without a doubt that I could not start over "from scratch", so to speak, so I placed that baby and I am very happy with how everything ultimately worked out. I loved that I was able to make a dream come true for a very loving couple that wanted to grow their family.
I would like to do it again, but this time I'd like to enjoy the process a little more. For the first time in my life I want to be happy when the EPT is positive, lol. I want to be pregnant without having to work 2 jobs and stress about money. I want to be able to afford cute maternity clothes. I just want, for once in my life, to "do it right".
Is it unreasonable of me to want the adoptive parents to help (generously) with my living expenses while pregnant? I don't want to profit from it, but like I said, I just wish I could have a positive, stress-free pregnancy where I can take really good care of myself and look forward to the birth and rejoice in it, and then be able to afford to take a couple months afterwards to recuperate properly. I do work, and I am financially independent (a pretentious way of saying that I don't make much money but my house and car are paid for so my bills are low, lol), so I'm really not a bum trying to make a living by doing this. My job is not physically demanding and I set my own hours so I would anticipate working all the way to the 9th month. And honestly - since the job is contract-based - if I quit at any time I would lose the job permanently and since I love my job, that ain't happenin'! So, you can see I'm not looking to lay around and eat bonbons and watch soaps all day; I just want the financial stress off me while pregnant.
When I got pregnant as a teenager...well, enough said, right? And I was a single parent for the last 21 years now. I also had an abortion about 11 years ago because I knew I couldn't afford another child. Then, in '07, I couldn't stomach another abortion so I went the adoption route but the process was difficult financially (I got a couple walmart gift cards for groceries and they paid my rent for about 4 months, but other than that it was all on me). So I just want once, before I die, to enjoy being pregnant and feel like a goddess. (I know, dumb, right?) The only way I see that happening is with generous support from the adoptive parents.
And just to be clear, when I say "generous", I am not talking about cash payments or huge lump sums. I just mean my basic monthly expenses (electric, cell, food, gas, random expenses like my dog needing vaccines or other unexpected things (car repair or whatever, etc). Like I said, no mortgage or car payment, so honestly we're not even talking about a lot. When I use the word "generous", I really am referring more to the spirit in which the assistance is given, i.e, I don't want to feel like I'm begging for it every month. I just want to know I'm "taken care of" and I can RELAX.
I hope this doesn't sound cold-hearted but if this expense was perceived to be too high by the adopting parents, then I'm not sure I would want to give a child to them anyway because I would want that child to grow up in a situation where they have every advantage, and if the parents can't afford me, how can they afford the child, KWIM?
I'd like to think that my track record of having already placed a child before would help the adoptive parents feel comfortable that I was not going to back out at the last minute. Goodness knows, if I didn't want to start over at 36, I surely don't want to at 41! 
So, I ask, is it awful of me to want that? Is it unrealistic? If it's frowned on, or in poor taste, feel free to educate me because I really have no idea.
It's the middle of the night and I'm too tired to do a search so I apologize in advance is this has been asked and answered before.
Re: Is it unreasonable to expect generous birthmother expenses? (long)
TTC since May 2006. After 3 failed Clomid cycles, 2 failed Injectibles/IUIs, 2 failed IVFs and 1 failed FET, we moved on to adoption!
Last ditch FET resulted in BFP, and identical twin girls!
Thanks for the quick reply.
Yeah, after I posted that I found a pdf on various state laws regarding financial assistance and I'm starting to realize how restrictive it all is. In '07 I thought it was just my state that was strict, but looks like they're all pretty strict. I can understand why, though.
I actually looked into surrogacy last year but I sorta got the impression that my age would be a problem..? Don't know why it should be, since it wouldn't be my eggs being used, but that's just what I was seeing online at the time. But I am totally ok with that route too, if I could just find an agency that would accept me.
ETA: I live in Virginia and I just found out that the law here only allows "uncompensated surrogacy for married couples only" (meaning the surrogate has to be married). For pete's sake! Interfering government much?!
I would suggest the surrogacy route too - I think any adoptive parent would be hesitant to enter a situation where the birth mom asks for too much as there are too many scams out there and adoptive parents are advised to be cautious of situations that appear risky... The perfect parents could be out there but might be too nervous too make such a huge financial commitment (and that has nothing to do with what kind of life style they would give their child or if they can afford to do it). We haven't adopted (we are looking to foster so I read this board and my sister adopted 2 of her girls) but I know the situation would make me very nervous and I know for a fact DH would NEVER be on board with it. He would definitely worry that we were being taken advantage of... He is very careful with finances (which is a good trait in a parent) and wouldn't take that big of a risk with really no guarantee. I realize there are always financial risks for couples struggling to have a child (infertility, adoption, etc) but it would still be a red flag for me if a birth mother was clearly hoping to benefit financially from the situation. I'd worry that someone might come along and offer her more money/gifts and I'd lose out...
I do think surrogacy would be a great option. I think you are right that your age may effect going through an agency but perhaps you could advertise to be a private surrogate? I don't know much about how that would work but I don't think their are age limits when a surrogate is selected privately. Surrogates are compensated well and you could ask for more since the couples have more confidence they are getting the baby and you can't just give it to the highest bidder (not saying you would but I imagine that would be a fear).
I think it's very kind that you want to give another couple the most amazing gift in the world but it would also be sad to scare off some amazing couples that would be great parents because of your financial demands. I think you need to be really careful with what you ask for if you go forward with it.
Would you be using a sperm donor to get pregnant? I guess I'm a bit confused as to what your plans would be for intentionally getting pregnant to place a baby for adoption.
BFP #1 9/7/10, EDD 5/14/11, Violet born 5/27/11.
BFP #2 4/9/12, EDD 12/16/12, M/C Rory 4/24/12.
BFP #3 10/6/12, EDD 6/16/12., Matilda born 6/17/13.
I was thinking the same thing. Truth be told, I'm a bit offended that you'd exploit (for lack of a better word) my trouble in trying to have a family to get your vet bills paid for.
Thank you for all the responses. I'm looking into surrogacy now, but it's pretty overwhelming. It's such a maze of information. There ARE agencies that will accept me at my age, but it's just all such a lot of hoops and red tape.
I almost wasn't even going to address this but I feel like I gotta say it. I'm a little hurt by the "selling a baby" comment. I tried to make it very clear that I was just talking about living expenses (which in my case are *very* minimal - not to mention I wasn't even including things like my cable bill, or other "entertainment", etc. I really was referring to basic survival needs - food, transpo,utilities. The only thing I would consider a "perk" would be some splurging on cute maternity clothes.) Plus the assurance that IF there was an unexpected financial crisis that it would be "handled" so that I could have peace of mind to enjoy the pregnancy experience. I'm pretty sure I said I didn't want straight cash gifts to me. Honestly, the ballpark figure I was imagining is only a little more than what an egg donor is paid ($3,500 versus maybe $5,000). AFAIK, nobody thinks anything is wrong with compensated egg donation.
My primary goal is to help an infertile couple have a child. Is it so much to ask that I not have to struggle financially while carrying the child?
I'm not trying to be argumentative or confrontational but I do have a question: The only difference between surrogacy and what I described is that - in surrogacy - the child is not genetically related to the birthmother. The bottom line, in both cases (surrogacy and the scenario I described), is that a woman *deliberately* gets pregnant, relinquishes rights to the child, and receives compensation.
Like I said, I'm not trying to argue and I don't want to offend anybody, but I just don't get how one is ok and the other is not?
For that matter, why is it "ok" for the adoption agencies to profit from it? If someone wanted to talk about selling babies, we could debate that point all day long.
Are you offended by surrogacy? Do you consider that exploitation? To my mind, what I'm describing IS surrogacy, without the IVF.
I'm offended that you would simplify what I took such great care to explain, down to "get your vet bills paid for". The (extremely minor) vet expense was a random example at 3am, trying to describe the little bills that pop up unexpectedly. I want to *help* a family like yours, I just don't see why I should have to suffer for it?
I honestly hadn't even thought that far ahead yet. But to answer the question, I suppose I would ask a trusted friend, since I am single (and don't date). It certainly wouldn't be a one-night-stand with a stranger from a bar!
No, I'm not. As in most cases with surrogacy the husband of the adopting family IS the bio father. Also, I don't think in most cases someone goes into surrogacy with the primary goal/motive being getting bills paid and havign a perk of cute maternity clothes and being compensated but rather helping a family.
Whether the vet bill was an "extremely minor" 3AM example or not, you put it out there and I think it speaks volumes. If you feel helping a family by placing a baby is making yourself (intentionally) suffer, perhaps this isn't what you should be doing.
Yes, it's unreasonable.
If you want to buy cute maternity clothes, etc., put yourself in a financial position to enjoy your own pregnancy, not to find someone else to pay for it.
And most birthparents don't get pg on purpose in order to place a child for adoption. In most cases, they're in a position where they're simply unable to provide for their child. You could easily provide for another child, you just don't want to.
I don't think there's anything wrong with your sentiments at all except you're describing surrogacy, not adoption.
Adoption is more a social service which is why the laws around birth parent rights, expenses, etc are so much more strict.
Surrogacy is kind of the newest, least regulated frontier in IF so the compensation could be negotiated in a contract. What I would honestly suggest is to join a surrogate support group or start contacting attorneys. Attorneys have clients come to them every day with requests like this (for a surrgate for example) and they are great at making the connections.
I wish you luck, but I also want to caution you that of you were to become pregnant randomly and went down the road of adoption you could find yourself with a Birthfather problem and being forced to parent the child. Any agency or attorney worth their salt will be finding out his position on the adoption and unless he's someone you completely trust you never know how he may feel when he sees the first ultrasound of his child etc.
I am sorry if you are feeling lots of heat from this suggestion... you need to realize that many of us struggled for years with infertility, spent $$$ on trying to have a baby, spent and lost money trying to adopt. (The amt of money that we lost trying to adopt is sickening....). So the idea of someone wanting high birth mom expenses for a planned pregnancy doesn't sit well and like Fred said, it comes very close to selling a child.
Now I think you probably have great intentions.... that's sweet of you. But as others have said, adoption is probably the wrong venue for your proposition. Also keep in mind that an adopted child will one day have to deal with being the add ball out in the adoption world..... a child who was conceived to be adopted is very different than a child that was conceived w/o the intention of being parented. A nuance? Yes.... but with kids trying to form identities and understand who THEY are... it could make a difference.
Now on to surrogacy.... a couple thoughts came to mind--- One - have you checked w/the adoptive parents of your child you placed in 07? Do they desire more children? That would be an awesome surrogacy story--- giving the child a half bio sibling... neat!
Second thought- your age will probably prevent you from being in big surrogacy companies... but you may have a gift to work with a family that can't afford a big company. Surrogacy is often cost prohibitive for IF couples... we briefly explored it with a well known agency that said it woudl cost us approx $120K!! Other companies later quoted $60-70K. Regardless, that's a lot of money. Many couples prefer to not go through a company and find their own surrogate. You could be an "affordable" option to such a couple. You could still get a comfortable reimbursement but you'd be giving a gift to a couple who might not otherwise afford it. You may also be appealing as a surrogate because of the experience you've had placing a child.... it would help a couple know you understand the potential grief involved in not parenting the child you carried to term.
Good luck to you...I hope you find a solution for your desire to help someone else.
I'm not wanting to hurt you or be rude, but, as a birthmom, I'd rather you not try this route as an adoption. I certainly had no intention to get pregnant and went through a long, emotional, and complex process to come to the decision that it would be in my LO's best interest to place him for adoption. I think that's a pretty common story for most birthmothers, and that's certainly how I'd prefer birthmothers to be perceived in public.
I've considered surrogacy myself and think it's also a great way to help a family have a semi- or fully-biological child if they so desire, but I would not want anyone thinking adoption and surrogacy are similar because they aren't. Adoptions occur almost always because of a crisis in the birthparents' lives (often, but not always, the pregnancy itself). Surrogacy is planned. I believe that a "planned adoption pregnancy" is an oxymoron.
You can definitely check out surromomsonline.com for more information. It's a great resource to get involved in surrogacy and first steps.
Application approved Dec '11
Mar '12: Homestudy interrupted by change in Uganda requirements - where do we go from here?
After searching and searching, back with Uganda but with our homestudy agency's program.
Homestudy complete July 19
USCIS I-600A submitted July 20. Biometrics appointments arrived Aug 17; fingerprinted Aug 21; 171H received Sept 25th. On the wait list Oct 1st: #18. By Jan 25th, we're #13!
Come home, baby A!
OK, clearly this was the wrong forum to ask this. I was hoping for a civil debate on the morality/legality of a hypothetical situation, and instead I feel like I'm being criticized and insulted.
I recognize that if I got pregnant because of carelessness on my part, that I should face the consequences, and I should be happy that there are people who are in a position to give my child a good life.
However, that is NOT what I am describing here. I have a goal of HELPING an infertile family and I don't feel like I should have to "face the consequences" of getting a second job, or having to work through morning sickness, etc, when I CHOSE to get pregnant in order to help a family. Like I said - other than the technical difference of genetics - I don't see how this is any different theoretically from surrogacy, and surrogacy is widely accepted. I don't agree that the adoptive mother or father being the genetic parent has anything to do with the morality of the BM not wanting to be miserable and stressed-out while pregnant.
Carrying the child IS the *helping* part. I should not be expected to bear the financial burden of it as well. Why do so many of you seem to think one cancels out the other?
Seriously, what I described is almost exactly the same as what is already allowed by law in most states (even maternity clothes!) with the only difference being that assistance is usually restricted to the last trimester in most states. The actual *concept* is the SAME. There was the added (MINOR!) benefit of the peace of mind of knowing that emergency expenses would be taken care of **IF** they came up. If the lady who you were adopting from had her car break down and couldn't get to work/school/dr appts/whatever, wouldn't you want to help (and I'm not asking if it would be legal to help, I'm asking wouldn't you WANT to help??) If her dog got sick or was hit by a car and needed expensive vet care that she absolutely couldn't afford, and she was heartbroken and distraught, you wouldn't WANT to help? The only difference is that I'm asking - ahead of time - for the peace of mind of knowing that the help would be given IF it was needed.
You'd think the fact that I'm NOT including housing expenses would cancel out any perception that I'm being greedy. I didn't have to disclose that my house is paid for. I'm being honest and describing help with *possible* emergency expenses, (that most likely wouldn't even happen!), when I could have just included housing assistance which nobody would have thought twice about.
Do you realize how many perks are written into surrogacy contracts? Things like weekly maid service in the last trimester, childcare for other children in the household in the last trimester, $400 custom shoes to help with back pain, YMCA memberships, food budgets to cover 100% organic diets, and god knows what else. Where on earth do y'all come up with "exploitation" and "greed" in my case? Sheesh!
I don't understand the anger. I'm accused of exploitation, yet it would seem some of you prefer to adopt from a young, scared girl who is in a vulnerable position, who needs someone to ride in on a white horse and save her. I'm not saying that's exploitation. I'm just saying you should examine your own motives before trashing mine.
I very much appreciate the people that are responding civilly with helpful suggestions and advice.
I totally get that many of you are frustrated with your inability to conceive/carry, and that some of you have been financially drained by the adoption process, and some have been taken advantage of. Just please don't jump on me when I truly have good intentions, but just don't want to be miserable while pregnant. My goodness, don't you want your BM to be happy and healthy during the pregnancy? It's good for the baby, lol.
Ditto this completely. I hate everything about this post. Fix your own car and buy your own clothes.
Thanks for understanding that this really is surrogacy, just without the IVF of the adoptive parents' genetic material. The intention is just to be the one to carry THEIR child, not to "give up" or "sell" MY child. I would never view it as MY child. I'm just the womb. I was only considering the adoption route because I was worried my age would preclude me from being an *actual* surrogate.
And about the birthfather, you make a good point. I hadn't thought about that. That WOULD be a sticky situation, lol.
Someone else referred to it as "high birthmom expenses", but I think that's where the misunderstanding comes in. I really don't think I'm describing high expenses. I'm talking about very basic expenses, but just for a few more months than the law allows (I didn't realize that when I originally posted, so please don't think I'm trying to circumvent the law). It's actually lightyears away from how much money real surrogates receive.
So, thanks everyone for the advice. I won't be pursuing this. I wasn't real serious about it to begin with, just kinda curious what the views on it were. I didn't expect to get jumped on the way I did. I thought what I was describing would be infinitely preferable to adopting from a drug-exposed, smoking, possible health complications (HIV or whatever) BM, (and yes, I realize they're not all like that!) but apparently not. Didn't mean to offend anyone.
What she said.
I did consider the family that I placed with, but they have 4 children now - they already had adopted 2, and then they actually adopted mine and another baby within 3 months of each other! So cute, they will almost grow up like twins
So, anyway, they have a pretty full family at this point. I was kinda wanting to go with a couple that didn't have any children yet.
Thank you for understanding where I'm coming from. I actually thought what I was offering was unique in that it would cost less than real surrogacy but without the drama and uncertainty of a BM who might change her mind later. You actually worded it better than I did, lol.
Were you able to finally adopt?
ETA: nevermind, I see babies in your sig, lol
You know, I told myself I wasn't going to even respond to this post, but I have to stick up for myself.
Please tell me how I am to "put myself in a financial position to enjoy (my) own pregnancy" when I live in a small rural town, at least 60 miles from any medium-sized city, where the unemployment is 22%, and I moved here to take care of my aging mother after my father passed away 2 years ago. I sunk all my savings into this place (so that I wouldn't have the uncertainty of a mortgage payment) and took a 25/hr/week job so that I would be available for my mom. I get by on about $1,200 a month, often less. I live a very basic, no-frills lifestyle. I shop sales and use coupons. I do not travel. I shop at thrift and consignment stores. My recreation/entertainment is swimming in the lake in hot weather and hiking in cool weather. My child is grown. So, yes, I AM financially stable in that I support myself, but that does not mean I "can easily provide for another child". I AM in a unique position to help a couple with their infertility issues. I am NOT in a position to incur a financial burden from the experience.
I'm not considering this because I "enjoy pregnancy" THAT much! Nobody likes being pregnant that much!! I'm doing it to help someone, and I don't think wanting to be happy or comfortable during pregnancy is unreasonable!
And " most birthparents don't get pg on purpose in order to place a child for adoption"? Most? I would imagine that VERY FEW do so for the simple reason that VERY FEW are in the position to do so. Very few people have home-based businesses like I have, with the low bills that I have, with the flexibility that I have. Both my pregnancies were easy, I love children, I have a maternal, helpful, caring nature, and I'm in the position where I can offer something to people who need it. Pardon me for not wanting to PUT MYSELF IN THE HOLE while doing so.
Nice clothes and a healthy pet are good for a fetus? Citation needed.
BFP #1 9/7/10, EDD 5/14/11, Violet born 5/27/11.
BFP #2 4/9/12, EDD 12/16/12, M/C Rory 4/24/12.
BFP #3 10/6/12, EDD 6/16/12., Matilda born 6/17/13.
You know what? It IS possible to disagree with someone without being insulting.
Please google "out of context".
"My goodness, don't you want your BM to be happy and healthy during the pregnancy?"
It's sad really, when someone is more concerned about posting a "witty" reply instead of an actual response to the issue.
I don't understand why your food, utilities, or anything else should be paid for by the adoptive parents when you can afford to pay them yourself. Do you understand what I'm saying?
If someone got pregnant, actually couldn't afford their own living expenses, then yes, the adoptive parents may cover some of that so that the BABY can be healthy and taken care of while the birth mom is pregnant. It doesn't make very much sense for someone to jump in and start paying for something that you can obviously afford yourself, just as a "thank you" for letting them have your baby. . .that you got pregnant with intentionally, for the sole purpose of finding a family who can't have a child and having them pay for your living expenses, so that you can feel like a goddess.
I'm pretty sure this is MUD anyway. . .
I'm new to this site, so I've never seen MUD in context, here or anywhere else online, so maybe I don't know what I'm talking about. I looked up MUD in the acronym thread here and "made up drama" does not sound like a compliment. I took it to mean that I am "fabricating" (made up) this just for attention (drama). If that's not what it means, then my apologies.
I'm trying not to be offended by this because I understand that you don't know me and don't have all the facts.
Here are the facts:
1) being pregnant does incur some additional costs, not all covered by insurance. I think we can all agree on this.
2) The specifics of my job are such that in a pregnant state I will not be as efficient at my job, meaning that I will have to put in more hours but for the same pay (because it is contract-based and I get paid the same amount per assignment regardless of how long it takes me to complete it). This seems very similar to "lost wages" to me.
3) Again, I view this as surrogacy, even though there is adoption involved because the intended parents aren't the bio-parents. To my mind, HOW the baby is conceived is irrelevant if it is understood from the get-go that it is to be the child of the intended parents.
4) I'm not expecting ALL expenses to be paid for. I'm talking about the SAME *basic* expenses that are already approved by law for other BMs. Many (MANY) states approve of living expenses even if the BM is still working, so if that's ok in theory for 3 months, why is it not ok for 6 or 9 months? Pregnancy is a big deal. Why would you NOT want to make it a little easier for the BM?
I can't seem to state it enough. I am not looking for a big cash payout (which is what surrogates get, which y'all don't seem to have a problem with). I'm simply describing a relationship between the BM and the IPs where the IPs recognize the contribution the BM is making and where they want to help her be as comfortable as possible. By them helping with expenses, that frees up some of MY income to possibly buy a Y membership, or have a cleaning service in the last trimester, or to buy the comfortable shoes when my feet swell, or to pay for Lamaze classes, or organic food, or even just paying to get my HVAC fixed so that it's not 90 in the house while I'm 9 mos pregnant.
It really seems like the biggest issue many of you have is that I would choose to give away my own biological child. You've tried so hard for so long to have your own and you don't understand or maybe even resent someone who can get pregnant and then give it up. You want to believe in your mind that all BMs are in desperate circumstances and would NEVER give up their child if they had another choice. This "fits" better with your mindset that all women want to be mothers or have large familes. Just because YOU want a large family does not mean all women do, or even should.
I'm a pragmatic person who has already been a mother so I don't feel the need to have more. And since FROM DAY ONE it would be understood that this baby was SOMEONE ELSE'S, then it really wouldn't even *feel* like my own child, which minimizes the grief felt at the loss. Notice I said minimizes, not avoids.
I'm not heartless, you know. I definitely felt grief when I placed in '07 (well, FTR, it was '08 when I gave birth), but I knew it was the right decision. When I first found out I was pregnant I was going to keep it (despite a tricky financial situation) because the father had always been told that he was unable to have kids (due to car accident as a teenager). Then, as it turned out, he found out just a few weeks later that he had fathered ANOTHER baby by someone else (yes, he was cheating). So, we split, but there was no way I could have an abortion after initially wanting the baby, so I chose adoption. So, yes, there was grief because of the initial circumstances. I cried so hard while signing the paperwork (in the hospital room) that I couldn't even see what I was signing. I had to stop and go into the bathroom and bury my face in a towel and sob my heart out until I could get it together and go back out and face everybody to get it done. I was not going to change my mind but I couldn't stop thinking about all the "coulda been's". There's some "drama" for you. Happy now?
It's *because* that was so hard, that I know I would be an ideal candidate to do it again. How many of you have had, or seen it happen to others, where the BM changed her mind at some point because she didn't know how hard it would be?
I'm not asking for the IPs to "thank me" for giving them my baby. I'm asking them to acknowledge that I am bringing unique circumstances to the table that will allow them to have a very satisfactory outcome, and to recognize that - just like a surrogate - I am providing something that they can't do themselves.
I understand that you (the general adopting public) and I are coming from different places, but that's no reason to attack me. You can disagree with my viewpoint without being sarcastic or hurtful.
Ditto fred, from your defensiveness, to the issue at hand, to everything in between.
You asked a question. Is it reasonable to get pregnant on purpose and make an adoption plan so you can accept $ for everything from clothing to veterinary care. The consensus here is no, for a variety of reasons. This is one reason why some states don't allow ANY birthmother expenses to be paid by adoptive families. Look at it from the potential coercive perspective, and you can see why it hit a nerve. For the record, not a single person called you a name, or a bad person, or demeaned you in any way. This board prides itself on taking the high road and discussing the issue at hand, not stooping to personal attacks. That's exactly how it happened here. People told you they feel this sounds more like something unethical, and possibly illegal. And that they wouldn't do it, as an AP or a BP. That it's too close to baby-selling for their comfort. That surrogacy would be a better option for you. They criticized the concept you're throwing out there, not criticizing you. You clearly haven't researched surrogacy heavily, so maybe now is the time to do that so you can see if that's a better option for you. Instead of bashing people who simply voiced their opinions.
One of the posters had it right when they say that the focus should be on the child, not on anyone else in the triad. The way you worded your OP, you make it sound like the focus should be on the e-mom, just because she's pregnant. There are plenty of people in the world who have had children (that they either parented or placed for adoption) who didn't enjoy their pregnancy. Those are the breaks. There are a LOT of people on this board who haven't even gotten to have a pregnancy to enjoy. Now they see some random person coming in saying, "Hey, I want to get pg on purpose, take a bunch of $ from people like you (who may have spent a ton of $ already just to get to adoption) and then give you my child." Can you see how that might come off as squicky to them/us?
Adoption =/= surrogacy. You want to be a surrogate. More power to you.
My DH wants to know why you'd want to risk a pregnancy at your age just to do this in the first place.
I love how you re-word everything to suit your perception of this scenario. I don't want to "accept $ for everything from clothing to veterinary care". FTR, I never said I wanted the IPs to buy me maternity clothes. I said so "I could afford maternity clothes". I think it's pretty clear I was talking about buying them myself. I did mention that many states allow clothes to be bought for the BM; I said that to demonstrate that if the law allowed it, then surely what I was suggesting wasn't unreasonable, but I never said I wanted that, I just said I wanted to be able to afford them MYSELF.
The vet care was an example of an emergency situation that probably wouldn't even arise, it was just something I thought would be nice to have for the peace of mind, again I have explained this repeatedly, I don't know why people keep obsessing over it.
I don't agree that the consensus is "no". Several people have agreed with me that my heart is in the right place.
The reason some states don't allow any BM expenses to be paid is because BMs have used that in the past to say that they didn't want to give up the child but they felt guilty because of the financial investment the adopting parents had made. Coerced, just like you said. It muddies the legal waters when it comes to making a ruling on custody, so they enacted laws to restrict it to simplify things. I can see how it applies to a young, inexperienced girl/woman who might be facing resistance from the birthfather, or who might be facing a lack of support from family members, or who is just in over their heads and doesn't know what the right decision is. In that situation, financial assistance can complicate things. In my situation, I don't see how it's relevant. In my heart of hearts, I know my motives are pure. I loved helping the last family and I'd love to do it again. I just don't see why it should have to be a financial OR emotional "struggle" just to please some of y'all.
40 is old? LOL What risk? There's reduced fertility at that age which is the main reason agencies don't want to invest in a 40yo, but risk?? Okaaayy....
Please, seriously, somebody explain how this is different from surrogacy, which everybody seems to agree is ok, and which, of course, several people have agreed it IS surrogacy. The ONLY difference is that the baby is genetically mine instead of artificially implanted.
1) I deliberately get pregnant.
2) I relinquish all rights to the child.
3) I, in some form or another, am compensated, be it a paycheck or having bills paid.
You keep saying it's wrong to get pregnant on purpose for the sole intent of placing it with another couple and receiving compensation (which BTW, is NOT my sole intent), but that's what surrogacy is and THAT doesn't seem to bother anybody. I've stated many times that I want to HELP a couple. I guess I'm just lying though, right?
Why do you say surrogacy is ok but then say it's wrong to get pregnant on purpose, and place the child with adoptive parents? You're contradicting yourself.
I just thought getting pregnant the "natural way" would be a more streamlined process than going through IVF and all that. "Adoption" is just semantics in this case. There are some states that require a formal adoption even when both IPs are the baby's genetic parents. Jeez, people, chill.
Seriously, take the emotion out of this and explain, logically, what the difference is.
If you wanted to help someone have a baby wouldn't you do just that without asking for so much? If you cant afford to help, then why do it. Sounds more like YOU want to experience pregnancy again not help a couple. I hear a lot of ME and I in your post. If I wanted to help someone out I wouldn't ask for anything in return. People who get pregnant by accident aren't doing it to help other couples have babies it was an accident. YOU would be doing this by choice. Ok end of vent this post makes me sick.
You said you're in Virginia, and adoption laws in that state allow "Reasonable and necessary expenses for food, clothing, and shelter when the birth mother is unable to work due to her pregnancy." So, I would think that, in order to have so many expenses covered, you would have to stop working... and I would think that you would have to have a doctor say that you are unable to work due to the pregnancy. So, just based on that, I don't think this would work out for you anyhow.
Okay then. Here's how I feel: To get pregnant intentionally when you do not feel you have the financial resources to support yourself during pregnancy (whether that's paying bills or buying maternity clothes) is irresponsible. Even if you feel like you're doing someone else a favour by producing a child for them, it isn't responsible and borders on unethical.
Also, if I was matched with a BM and her pet needed emergency care during her pregnancy, I would not get involved in that at all. There are limits to what I'd do to make sure the BM was emotionally content throughout her entire pregnancy.
BFP #1 9/7/10, EDD 5/14/11, Violet born 5/27/11.
BFP #2 4/9/12, EDD 12/16/12, M/C Rory 4/24/12.
BFP #3 10/6/12, EDD 6/16/12., Matilda born 6/17/13.
I'm not a fan of surrogate mothers making large sums of money for what they do. If you want to carry a child as a gift to someone else (a close friend, relative, etc.), that's beautiful and selfless. If you want to cover your basic expenses and turn to surrogacy as an "easy" way to do that, at least come out and call it what it is rather than claiming to be altruistic in your motives.
BFP #1 9/7/10, EDD 5/14/11, Violet born 5/27/11.
BFP #2 4/9/12, EDD 12/16/12, M/C Rory 4/24/12.
BFP #3 10/6/12, EDD 6/16/12., Matilda born 6/17/13.
Exactly . . . stroking your ego. Any idea how much most of us have spent to build our families? Thousands upon thousands, and that's just the emotional toll. Yet you think it is fine to ask adoptive parents for MORE money that you do NOT need? (And you aren't going to convince me that you'd need this money.) Legal issues aside, this is unethical.
At the end of the day, it is a child. Not a game.
In my opinion, you don't need a lawyer, you need some counseling.