Serious Post. Need advice. Molestation

2WONGFU

So obv there as been an AE created.

The truth came out 13 years ago......

Between the ages of 6-13 (off and on) I was molested by my grandfather. Who is my mother's step father. I never told a living soul until I went away to college and put myself into counseling. Per my therapists advice she suggested I write a letter to my mother. I did just that. I was 19. 

When I wrote it (and she received it) I was still away at college in another state. She called me the day she read it and cried her eyes out!!! I have never in my life felt so guilty and relieved at the same time. I made my mom feel like a shitty mom, and I made her cry. 

Anyway, the story goes. My mom and step dad called my grandpa and grandma to their house, asked my grandpa, he confessed. Shiits has never been the same. My grandma and I rarely talk (we were besties when I was a kid). Now my parents have moved out of the state that my grandparents live. So this next month my grandparents are going to visit my mom and step dad for a month. I know my grandma will want to see my child via skype.

Before I tell you my issue. My grandpa has seen my child one time, via skype when he was just born. I have never talked to my grandpa other that that time since this all came out.

My problem. I am past this...he is old, my grandma is a breast cancer survivor but is very sick. I do not want her to die or him to die thinking I hate them. He has asked forgiveness (not from me) but I don't care about him saying sorry. I want to write my grandpa a letter telling him I forgive him, that he is not scum (i know this sounds weird to people) that he is a human being. And when my grandparents are there at my moms and she calls me on skype I want to be able to say "sure grandpa can see my kid" and let him see him.

I know this sounds crazy but I cannot explain my feeling or thoughts in a way anyone would understand.  I do not want this hate or weirdness or whatever you call it hanging around anymore. I want to be able to call my grandma and not feel weird about it. I know she feels guilty for staying with him but who am I to say she shouldn't.

Venus04d

No one but you can know the best way to deal with this situation. If your heart is telling you to move on and try to mend this broken bridge, then do it. Not everyone copes in the same way. What might sound absolutely insane to one survivor, might be exactly what another needs. Good luck and I hope you continue your healing in whatever the best way for you may be.

stdldb29

Wow, what an incredible story of forgiveness. I say write the letter, if it will make you feel better and try to clear up the tension. Good luck! 

august06mom

I can't believe your mom still has contact with your grandfather, much less invites him for a month-long visit. I can't believe your grandmother stayed married to a confessed child molester.

I think you should do whatever you think will be beneficial to you. Don't give afuck about whatever anyone else thinks, and don't feel that you owe anyone a single thing. I also would suggest conferring with a counselor to see why you feel a need to please these people.   

 

Manateearmz

This is a tough situation. I don't think that I can offer any advice because I haven't lived in your life. IMO your grandfather is seeing LO over Skype, and not having physical contact. You will be present in any conversations. As far as your decision to write a letter i think this is part of YOUR healing process. You obviously have come a long way, and you deserve to do whatever you need to do to feel better and free yourself from any lingering hate that you might carry with you. Forgiveness does not mean that you condone what he did, it means that you do not want to hold onto the hurt any longer.

 

quidditchcapn1120

august06mom:

I can't believe your mom still has contact with your grandfather, much less invites him for a month-long visit. I can't believe your grandmother stayed married to a confessed child molester.

I think you should do whatever you think will be beneficial to you. Don't give afuck about whatever anyone else thinks, and don't feel that you owe anyone a single thing. I also would suggest conferring with a counselor to see why you feel a need to please these people.   

 

This.  You are very strong for forgiving him.  I am a big talker on forgiveness but I'm not sure I could on something like this.  Good luck.  I am sorry you dealt with that when you were just a child.

Heather R

I am sorry you have lived with this. I am not quite clear on what you're asking.

Venus04d

august06mom:

I can't believe your mom still has contact with your grandfather, much less invites him for a month-long visit. I can't believe your grandmother stayed married to a confessed child molester.

I think you should do whatever you think will be beneficial to you. Don't give afuck about whatever anyone else thinks, and don't feel that you owe anyone a single thing. I also would suggest conferring with a counselor to see why you feel a need to please these people.   

 

From her post, it sounds more like SHE wants this familial contact-not like she's trying to please them. I would suggest you don't infer someone that has been through this experience has something wrong with her for feeling the response she does. That is incredibly insensitive. As long as she is doing it for her because she wants to, there isn't a dammn thing wrong with her following that desire.

judahsmommy1

Venus04d:

No one but you can know the best way to deal with this situation. If your heart is telling you to move on and try to mend this broken bridge, then do it. Not everyone copes in the same way. What might sound absolutely insane to one survivor, might be exactly what another needs. Good luck and I hope you continue your healing in whatever the best way for you may be.

This. Although, may I ask if there have been steps taken to ensure that your grandfather does not have further access to children? I feel that forgiveness and taking steps to ensure that other people are protected are two different things. He may have confessed and apologized, but that does not mean that he has fixed the part of him that drove him to molest you in the first place. I'm so sorry that this happened to you and your family and I wish you the best of luck. 

RobinSparkles214

I think (from what you've shared) that you should write the letter to your grandfather. It may not be what many people would do, but it seems like the best thing for you to do as part of your healing process. I think you are an amazing person for forgiving him, I'm not sure that I could do the same.

Best of luck to you.

seamco12

august06mom:

I can't believe your mom still has contact with your grandfather, much less invites him for a month-long visit. I can't believe your grandmother stayed married to a confessed child molester.

I think you should do whatever you think will be beneficial to you. Don't give afuck about whatever anyone else thinks, and don't feel that you owe anyone a single thing. I also would suggest conferring with a counselor to see why you feel a need to please these people.   

 

This, and I'm sorry that happened. 

Kitiara5512

If this is at you need to finish healing, then it's what you need. Good luck.

august06mom

Venus04d:

august06mom:

I can't believe your mom still has contact with your grandfather, much less invites him for a month-long visit. I can't believe your grandmother stayed married to a confessed child molester.

I think you should do whatever you think will be beneficial to you. Don't give afuck about whatever anyone else thinks, and don't feel that you owe anyone a single thing. I also would suggest conferring with a counselor to see why you feel a need to please these people.   

 

From her post, it sounds more like SHE wants this familial contact-not like she's trying to please them. I would suggest you don't infer someone that has been through this experience has something wrong with her for feeling the response she does. That is incredibly insensitive. As long as she is doing it for her because she wants to, there isn't a dammn thing wrong with her following that desire.

Sorry, definitely didn't mean that. And you are right that it's insensitive.

3003girl

judahsmommy1:

Venus04d:

No one but you can know the best way to deal with this situation. If your heart is telling you to move on and try to mend this broken bridge, then do it. Not everyone copes in the same way. What might sound absolutely insane to one survivor, might be exactly what another needs. Good luck and I hope you continue your healing in whatever the best way for you may be.

This. Although, may I ask if there have been steps taken to ensure that your grandfather does not have further access to children? I feel that forgiveness and taking steps to ensure that other people are protected are two different things. He may have confessed and apologized, but that does not mean that he has fixed the part of him that drove him to molest you in the first place. I'm so sorry that this happened to you and your family and I wish you the best of luck. 

This. Usually these things are not a one time deal.  

Venus04d

august06mom:

Venus04d:

august06mom:

I can't believe your mom still has contact with your grandfather, much less invites him for a month-long visit. I can't believe your grandmother stayed married to a confessed child molester.

I think you should do whatever you think will be beneficial to you. Don't give afuck about whatever anyone else thinks, and don't feel that you owe anyone a single thing. I also would suggest conferring with a counselor to see why you feel a need to please these people.   

 

From her post, it sounds more like SHE wants this familial contact-not like she's trying to please them. I would suggest you don't infer someone that has been through this experience has something wrong with her for feeling the response she does. That is incredibly insensitive. As long as she is doing it for her because she wants to, there isn't a dammn thing wrong with her following that desire.

Sorry, definitely didn't mean that. And you are right that it's insensitive.

Thank you for responding so kindly. This subject is very personal to me so I tend to lash out with strong emotions.

FrickandFrack

august06mom:

I can't believe your mom still has contact with your grandfather, much less invites him for a month-long visit. I can't believe your grandmother stayed married to a confessed child molester.

I think you should do whatever you think will be beneficial to you. Don't give afuck about whatever anyone else thinks, and don't feel that you owe anyone a single thing. I also would suggest conferring with a counselor to see why you feel a need to please these people.   

 

I agree with all of this. You are a better person than I because there is no way I could forgive him let alone want him to see my child. 

2WONGFUTHANKSFOREVERYTHING

Okay so first thing. I forgot what I used as an email when I made an AE...sorry.

Let me clear a couple things up. I do not have any sort of anger towards my grandma for staying with him. They were in their late 60's when it all came out. She at that time had been with him for over 30 years.

No he has NEVER asked if he can see my son. They live very very far away. And he never would ask. He has never expected forgiveness. And according to my mother and aunt he has done some major work on himself. Not saying he would or could do it again but he has done what he needed to do for himself. 

I know as I type this it sounds like I am making excuses for him. I'm not trying to. I have come to that point in my life where I have seeked the help I needed and healed my self the way I needed. I feel like I can finally exhale.

BUT I don't want my grandpa to die thinking that I hate him. I HATE what he did, I HATE what he took from me and I HATE that he made that horrible part of me. But now I can look at myself and say "you survived, you are a good mother and wife, you are good person, you are almost whole again"

And you do not understand how much I miss talking to my grandma everyday. We were thick asthieves when I was a child. We were best friends. She was my everything. This took that all away. My mom tells me she thinks I hate her and despise that she stayed with him. 

I just want to write HIM a letter and say "I forgive you, for what you are. I forgive you for what you became, I'm glad you seeked help and I hope when you meet your make he will forgive you too" and I want to write my grandmother a letter and just say "I love you more than you will ever know, and I don't hate you I could never hate you"

Sorry this is all just coming out. Thank you venus.

RedWingsFan

I have not advice but want to say that I am amazed at your strength and your ability to forgive.

Huge hugs and you are such a strong woman. 

judahsmommy1

I have so much respect for you. I don't know that I can completely understand what you are saying since I haven't had a similar experience. But I'm so happy for you that you feel that you have found a way to become (as you put it) almost whole again. I hope there's a way for you to become completely whole at some point.

I'm glad that your grandfather has sought help and it sounds like he has received some. I have very mixed feelings about this, because as a victim yourself, I don't want to put a burden on you. On the other hand, the thought of him hurting another child is so horrendous that even though he has worked on himself, it scares me to think that he could have further access to children. Who knows if they could be as strong as you have been? And the thought of them needing to be is heart breaking. For both your grandfather's protection and for the children who cannot protect themselves, he needs to be kept away.

I really wish there were a way to communicate how impressed I am with your strength and courage. Hugs! 

Venus04d

2WONGFUTHANKSFOREVERYTHING:

Okay so first thing. I forgot what I used as an email when I made an AE...sorry.

Let me clear a couple things up. I do not have any sort of anger towards my grandma for staying with him. They were in their late 60's when it all came out. She at that time had been with him for over 30 years.

No he has NEVER asked if he can see my son. They live very very far away. And he never would ask. He has never expected forgiveness. And according to my mother and aunt he has done some major work on himself. Not saying he would or could do it again but he has done what he needed to do for himself. 

I know as I type this it sounds like I am making excuses for him. I'm not trying to. I have come to that point in my life where I have seeked the help I needed and healed my self the way I needed. I feel like I can finally exhale.

BUT I don't want my grandpa to die thinking that I hate him. I HATE what he did, I HATE what he took from me and I HATE that he made that horrible part of me. But now I can look at myself and say "you survived, you are a good mother and wife, you are good person, you are almost whole again"

And you do not understand how much I miss talking to my grandma everyday. We were thick asthieves when I was a child. We were best friends. She was my everything. This took that all away. My mom tells me she thinks I hate her and despise that she stayed with him. 

I just want to write HIM a letter and say "I forgive you, for what you are. I forgive you for what you became, I'm glad you seeked help and I hope when you meet your make he will forgive you too" and I want to write my grandmother a letter and just say "I love you more than you will ever know, and I don't hate you I could never hate you"

Sorry this is all just coming out. Thank you venus.

You are very welcome and once again I am so sorry you have had to live with this pain. You are a very strong woman and should feel confident in the decisions you make in your healing. I hope this all works out for you and gives you some final closure. Always feel free to PM me from your AE or your normal SN if you want to talk about it at all. ((hugs))

SoDoMojo

All the power to you for being able to forgive. I was also molested and still have a red hot anger. 

I'd hope that if you make the attempt to be cordial and include people in your LO's life others will let the skeletons rest. These situations are so awkward.... I wish you all the best!  

SoDoMojo

And since my damn phone won't let me edit: write any letters you want to. You have every right to express your feelings. It's not YOUR fault your relationship with your grandma suffered. She'd probably love to know that you miss her. 

You're sort of an inspiration for me. I don't think I'll ever be as a peace as you seem.  

BrittRMere

I really admire your strength. I think you should do whatever you need to do to heal.

Best of luck.

Tigger & pooh

I have been in a very similar position as you.  I was molested by my father when I was in middle school.  I wrote about it in my journal which my mother found.  She asked my dad about it and after hours of denying it he finally told the truth.  It was horrendous! She then let me decide if we should kick him out.  It was horrible! absolutely Horrible! they stayed together and now almost 20 yrs later I am glad it turned out the way it did.  I was actually more angry at my mother for not having the balls to be the adult than my father for doing what he did. I know it seems unfathomable that one could forgive my parents but despite this horrible point in our lives they are good people. It certainly didn't come easily but not having them in my life at this time and holding onto all that resentment and anger would certainly be worse for ME. As others have said not everyone would react this way but through counseling and time I have definitely forgiven them both.  If re-entering into a relationship with your grandparents feels right to you then do it.  Best of luck and feel free to pm if you have any other questions.

SoDoMojo

Mackalien13:

august06mom:

I can't believe your mom still has contact with your grandfather, much less invites him for a month-long visit. I can't believe your grandmother stayed married to a confessed child molester.

I think you should do whatever you think will be beneficial to you. Don't give afuck about whatever anyone else thinks, and don't feel that you owe anyone a single thing. I also would suggest conferring with a counselor to see why you feel a need to please these people.   

 

This exactly. I don't care who it was, if they ever touched my child I would never have contact with them again except when I saw them in court during their trial for sexual abuse. 

 It's up to you, but I would want nothing to do with either of them.

Relationships get all sorts of fvcked up in these situations. My abuser was sentenced for 10 years and has been out for almost 10. He's my half sister's father. I told her he's an assbag and she shouldn't be around him EVER. But she's also half assbag and continues to bring her kid around him. 

Thank baby Jesus I moved across the country.  

cnybride2be

forgiveness is very empowering and very important to healing.  wishing you the best.  This is yours.  You own it any way you want to.

and just huge freaking hugs because you are a survivor.

 

MandaPanda518

I'm sorry that you - or anyone - has ever had to be in this position. I think their is really no right or wrong way to handle this situation. It sounds like you have an idea of what you would like to do, I would just do it. This is about what you need to do to heal yourself. Best of luck for whatever you decided to do. (((hugs)))

judahsmommy1

mbenit4:

This man molested you on and off for 7 years. If this was your 6 year old child, how would you feel? If the letter helps you fine. However, I feel you should not allow your child to be in the hands of a pedophile. I don't care who is present. These are the same hands that were used to molest a child, you. I would say screw gma for staying with him. Screw the parents for maintaining a relationship with them. F'uck them, so what they're getting old. Let me ntell you something maybe no one won't - THEY ARE NOT SORRY ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU. People that are sorry take action. Even if he didn't reach out to you, did he get help? Did he turn himself in? How many other children has he molested? No one has held him accountable in any way. You don't owe any of them a DAMN thing. What you need to do is ngo back ton counseling to find out why you think so little of yourself? I know forgiveness isn't for the offender but for you to move on but you lost me with the whole "I don't want wierdness" and letting them see your child. Think of the 6 year old little girl that he violated. Be her spokesman now. Be her voice. Stand up for her. Screw these people because they have not ndone one thing to champion for this little girl, not when she was 6 and not now as an adult woman and mother. Do for your child what no one did for you. Protect your child from this pedophile.

I think this is really insensitive. It sounds as though this came out when the OP was an adult and that until then, no one knew about it. You also missed a F/U post that she made. She isn't talking about interacting with her grandparents in person, she's talking about letting her grandmother see her child through Skype. She will be there the whole time. Her grandfather will not have access to her child to abuse them. I see that you don't understand how this could be a healthy place for her to be. I do. What she thinks her parents/grandmother are responsible for doing with the information they have about her grandfather is HER business, not ours. 

Also, saying that her grandmother isn't sorry about what happened is not something that you're able to know. That situation is a lot more complicated than you could ever imagine. If the OP decided that her grandmother needed to leave her grandfather in order to accept a relationship with grandma, that would be valid. But that's not what the OP decided. And that's her business, not yours. 

SoDoMojo

mbenit4:

This man molested you on and off for 7 years. If this was your 6 year old child, how would you feel? If the letter helps you fine. However, I feel you should not allow your child to be in the hands of a pedophile. I don't care who is present. These are the same hands that were used to molest a child, you. I would say screw gma for staying with him. Screw the parents for maintaining a relationship with them. F'uck them, so what they're getting old. Let me ntell you something maybe no one won't - THEY ARE NOT SORRY ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU. People that are sorry take action. Even if he didn't reach out to you, did he get help? Did he turn himself in? How many other children has he molested? No one has held him accountable in any way. You don't owe any of them a DAMN thing. What you need to do is ngo back ton counseling to find out why you think so little of yourself? I know forgiveness isn't for the offender but for you to move on but you lost me with the whole "I don't want wierdness" and letting them see your child. Think of the 6 year old little girl that he violated. Be her spokesman now. Be her voice. Stand up for her. Screw these people because they have not ndone one thing to champion for this little girl, not when she was 6 and not now as an adult woman and mother. Do for your child what no one did for you. Protect your child from this pedophile.

This is incredibly harsh and uncalled for. I hope no one is ever put in this type of situation but until you've had to deal with an abuser in your family it's really hard to understand the dynamics. And even if you've been abused, your road looks much different than other victim's.

It's not like she's planning to leave her kid with them. She's simply trying to make some peace within herself.  

theseaword

mbenit4:

This man molested you on and off for 7 years. If this was your 6 year old child, how would you feel? If the letter helps you fine. However, I feel you should not allow your child to be in the hands of a pedophile. I don't care who is present. These are the same hands that were used to molest a child, you. I would say screw gma for staying with him. Screw the parents for maintaining a relationship with them. F'uck them, so what they're getting old. Let me ntell you something maybe no one won't - THEY ARE NOT SORRY ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU. People that are sorry take action. Even if he didn't reach out to you, did he get help? Did he turn himself in? How many other children has he molested? No one has held him accountable in any way. You don't owe any of them a DAMN thing. What you need to do is ngo back ton counseling to find out why you think so little of yourself? I know forgiveness isn't for the offender but for you to move on but you lost me with the whole "I don't want wierdness" and letting them see your child. Think of the 6 year old little girl that he violated. Be her spokesman now. Be her voice. Stand up for her. Screw these people because they have not ndone one thing to champion for this little girl, not when she was 6 and not now as an adult woman and mother. Do for your child what no one did for you. Protect your child from this pedophile.

Honestly, this was my thought as well. But do whatever makes you happy, OP. it's completely your decision on how you want to handle. 

judahsmommy1

mbenit4:

judahsmommy1:

mbenit4:

This man molested you on and off for 7 years. If this was your 6 year old child, how would you feel? If the letter helps you fine. However, I feel you should not allow your child to be in the hands of a pedophile. I don't care who is present. These are the same hands that were used to molest a child, you. I would say screw gma for staying with him. Screw the parents for maintaining a relationship with them. F'uck them, so what they're getting old. Let me ntell you something maybe no one won't - THEY ARE NOT SORRY ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU. People that are sorry take action. Even if he didn't reach out to you, did he get help? Did he turn himself in? How many other children has he molested? No one has held him accountable in any way. You don't owe any of them a DAMN thing. What you need to do is ngo back ton counseling to find out why you think so little of yourself? I know forgiveness isn't for the offender but for you to move on but you lost me with the whole "I don't want wierdness" and letting them see your child. Think of the 6 year old little girl that he violated. Be her spokesman now. Be her voice. Stand up for her. Screw these people because they have not ndone one thing to champion for this little girl, not when she was 6 and not now as an adult woman and mother. Do for your child what no one did for you. Protect your child from this pedophile.

I think this is really insensitive. It sounds as though this came out when the OP was an adult and that until then, no one knew about it. You also missed a F/U post that she made. She isn't talking about interacting with her grandparents in person, she's talking about letting her grandmother see her child through Skype. She will be there the whole time. Her grandfather will not have access to her child to abuse them. I see that you don't understand how this could be a healthy place for her to be. I do. What she thinks her parents/grandmother are responsible for doing with the information they have about her grandfather is HER business, not ours. 

Also, saying that her grandmother isn't sorry about what happened is not something that you're able to know. That situation is a lot more complicated than you could ever imagine. If the OP decided that her grandmother needed to leave her grandfather in order to accept a relationship with grandma, that would be valid. But that's not what the OP decided. And that's her business, not yours. 

No, I read the post. The grandparents have already seen her child via skype so I took the whole letting them see her child as see in person. I do understand how forgiveness can be healthy but let us not lose sight that these were the hands that abused her. She owes them nothing. She can give them the letters etc. I just felt I had to say something because she is talking about letting them see her child and because she also mentioned she had been in counseling.

You say it not something that I am able to know that her grandmother isn't sorry. I do know it. This may have come out when OP was an adult but it came out 13 years ago. Grandmother and everyone is still right there with the pedophile. You all can sugar coat $hit but I am telling you what the real is. I have read countless records from pedophiles and I highly doubt she was the only one. Pedophiles are manipulative. If he was younger and able body he probably would still be molesting and so everyone will continue to turn a blind eye? Sure they seem all sorry and pitiful when they get old or sick. However, if OP would have never brought this out, he wouldn't have ever said or did $hit.

I just implore OP to keep her child from these people who disregarded her in such a way. I also beg her to speak in depth with her counselor about this. I can see the whole letters, etc but the other stuff seems like OP is still being manipulated to feel that she has to do these things. You all can give OP puppy and rainbow responses but I felt it in my heart to call it like I see it. In the end, she will do what she wants. I am not saying my word is the law, I just had to say it like I felt it in my heart.

If you read my previous responses you'll see that I'm very concerned that he not have further access to children. I'm not ignorant of those risks. No, you do NOT know what the OP's grandmother thinks or feels about her husband's choices, betrayal, and subsequent experiences. Every betrayed woman feels differently and even if you had an experience where you found out that your husband molested a child you would not understand HER experience or know why she has made the choices that she has. Unless you know this woman personally and have had in depth discussions with her on this topic you just do not have enough information to know ANYTHING about her and her response.

I don't feel that the OP is being manipulated at all. I think it's very likely that you're looking at how you think you would feel in this situation and projecting that onto the original poster. When it comes to people who have been abused and betrayed the message that they need is, "Your instincts are trust worthy. You have a right to your feelings. You are reliable to make choices for yourself." NOT "You still have no control over your life and feelings. You must feel this specific way. If you think you feel differently, you are wrong."

It's not puppies and rainbows. Protecting other people is still very very important. But the best person to make a decision about what is best in her situation is HER, not a bunch of internet strangers who think they know something about her situation because of situations they have been exposed to personally.