Parenting After Loss Check-In

Mrs Nice · June 2012

Hello Ladies!

Welcome to this weeks check-in! If you have any questions you would like to see posted please let me know!

Has your loss affected how you parent? If so, what do you do differently?

How did/will you explain your loss to your other child(ren)? How were they affected and how do you cope with it?

Any special plans for Fathers Day?

Open Topic:

goillini823 · June 2012

Id like to take part!

I think my loss has affected how I parent. I'm not as laid back as I was when it was just DD. since Gabe passed away my DCs illness' scare me more. Im trying to relax and enjoy sleep, but it's sort of comforting when my kids wake up in the middle of the night. I've also learned to just cuddle and enjoy these moments instead of worrying about the messy house.

We say goodnight to Gabriel in our nightly prayers. We also have a little corner of the dining room with his ashes, u/s pic, and a framed quote. The kids can see it easily, and I will answer any questions they have, and always talk openly about how they have a brother in heaven.

yosemitemom · June 2012

Has your loss affected how you parent? If so, what do you do differently?

It's only been a week, but I feel a new level of awareness with her, if that makes sense. I have always tried my best to be 'present', but now it's a different level of engagement. I just feel so fortunate to have a healthy, vibrant daughter. I will always have Phee to thank for that.

How did/will you explain your loss to your other child(ren)? How were they affected and how do you cope with it?

This has been hard and I expect it will for a long time. Our daughter is only 3, but had already named her sister, and we had been preparing her for quite a while. We were very honest about what happened to her sister. She asks about her all the time and says she is sad she is not in my belly. She is so honest and perceptivet; it's those moments that break my heart and take my breath away. But, I do my best to show her my emotions and let her know it's ok to be sad (it's hard not to fall apart though when her questions catch me off-guard!)

tuscanbride2007 · June 2012

Has your loss affected how you parent? If so, what do you do differently?

As with yosemite mom, I am more "present" with her. I enjoy every moment because I now know how quickly things can be taken away. I am bad about not saying Annabelle's name around DD some times to avoid the questions, but I am working on that.

How did/will you explain your loss to your other child(ren)? How were they affected and how do you cope with it?

She is still processing everything and figuring out this grief. I hate that she has had to learn about death at such a young age. We prepared her for her sister's arrival for months, so she is still in the mode of saying when she is too big for something that she will save it for Annabelle. It is sweet and heartbreaking at the same time.

At first we just told her that Annabelle wasn't coming home, which I think kind of scared her because she came to visit me in the hospital and there was no baby sister. Now we actually say that she died and lives with God. It's interesting to see how she processes all of that. The other day she asked how old Annabelle was and if God was feeding her. Some days she remembers that her sister is an angel and other days she thinks we are still waiting for her to come home.

Bread09 · June 2012

Has your loss affected how you parent? If so, what do you do differently?

I'm overprotective with my son. I'm not so sure if I would have been that way if both have survived (we lost his twin 23 hours after birth), but there are many nights I am up constantly checking him to make sure he's still breathing. It's gotten better for sure, but I still worry. I also am very critical with who can watch him and I'm super sensitive to unsolicitated advice--esp when they tell me to "Relax, my kid is fine" etc.

How did/will you explain your loss to your other child(ren)? How were they affected and how do you cope with it?

He's seven months and it may sound crazy, but I think he knows. We have a special bear that we take monthly pictures with and he loves that thing--he's not like that with other stuff. He laughs and smiles when we say her name. We bring him to events the hospital does, like the butterfly release, and plan on doing that when he goes older as well. We use her name and I tell him the story although I know he doesn't understand it.

Any special plans for Fathers Day?

Spending the day with family. We may break out the baby pool for the first time, but nothing special!

Mrs Nice · June 2012

Has your loss affected how you parent? If so, what do you do differently?I think that I am actually more relaxed then I would have been. I don't sweat the small stuff and am just enjoying every second that I spend with him. I find my patience is amazing, which is a nice change from when I was pg. Even towards DH, I have more patients. Some things that use to drive me crazy, don't matter anymore. My whole world revolves around my boys!How did/will you explain your loss to your other child(ren)? How were they affected and how do you cope with it?When Zachary is old enough to ask me about my tattoo, I will tell him all about his brother. Untill then I will be looking to you ladies for ideas on what to say when he does ask.

I have some time before that day comes tho. Any special plans for Fathers Day?Nothing really special. Spending the day with family. Open Topic: I think about you ladies every day. I still can't believe Zachary is here and I would drive myself crazy with worry if I didn't see that I am not alone in this journey. Thank you for keeping me sane!

Auki13 · June 2012

Has your loss affected how you parent? If so, what do you do differently?

I am definitely more patient with my kids and am also more willing to let them "get away" with things. I have learned that life is extremely precious and fragile and childhood is such an important time that it's ok if kids act like kids once in a while.

How did/will you explain your loss to your other child(ren)? How were they affected and how do you cope with it?

Our son had/has a very difficult time with the knowledge that Annabelle is in heaven. He went through several stages of grief and to this day asks several questions about death/dying/etc... Our daughter is younger and doesn't understand as well, but loves to play with Annabelle's things and look at her picture.
We just told our kids last week that we are expecting again (I am almost 14 weeks and we had an u/s showing that so far this baby is forming perfectly). DS's first reaction was that he didn't want to talk about it, which we said was fine. The next morning he crawled into our bed and asked us if this baby had to go to heaven too. We explained that this baby is growing well and should be coming home with us... It was heartbreaking to have to explain this to him, but he is now so excited about the new baby. I am just praying that nothing goes wrong this time around. I cannot imagine having to break my children's hearts again.

pottermommy · June 2012

Has your loss affected how you parent? If so, what do you do differently?

Totally, I am scared of so many things happening to him. I am way overprotective now....

But I am so so thankful for every single day. I do not worry about spoiling him b/c I know there will never be a point that I look back and think "Jeese I really wish I wouldn't have held him, got him, loved him, so much.

I do not take anything for granted and cherish every little thing and milestone. I never ever say I want him to stop growing or that he is growing "TOO QUICK" I will never see Kamryn grow. All that I want is to watch him grow grow grow.

How did/will you explain your loss to your other child(ren)? How were they affected and how do you cope with it?

Well Katelyn was almost 4 when Kam died and we did not tell her she drowned (even though she was there) we told her that when a person gets very old, very sick, or very hurt, that Jesus invites them to come to heaven.

When he does they meet him there and he gives them a new healthy body that only works in heaven with them, but it means they can be happy and have a good life with him. We then bury the broken body under a stone and we can leave flowers or toys or presents there b/c you can always look down to your stone, memorial place, and see the love and memories your family still has for you.

She took it as well as a four year old can....She screamed for her to come home, she cried that she needed her here, and then we started grief counseling with her. She was in for about 9 months and we restarted when I miscarried and she did it then for about 6 months. Her counselor still calls to check on her.

As for Gabriel, Kam's pics are up in the house and we are already starting to read, someone came before you. We talk about her infront of him, and if I am sad infront of him I will not hide it.

I want him to know both that I have never wanted anyone like I wanted him and that he is an important peice to my life. But I also want him to know that I love his sister just the same and that he is not a replacement for her, and that as much as I love him I long for her too.

They are different babies and I love them both with all my heart.

Any special plans for Fathers Day? I stole an idea from here Embarrassed DH was in the ARMY and he still wears his tags so I ordered him a dog tag from ETSY with all three kids names on it with their birthdays at the top it reads, WE love you daddy.

StephK86 · June 2012

Has your loss affected how you parent? If so, what do you do differently? Yes, my loss had truly affected how I parent. Blake still sleeps with me at almost 8 months old and I really don't know when that will stop, I know if I can't touch his chest in the middle of the night or constantly check on him though I won't get any sleep. I also am very nervous and worried at all times. I constantly think he is going to pass. I have to call my SO, grandma, or aunt a few times a day just to check in. Which thankfully they understand. I also cut back on my work hours so I could have my family watch him on their days off. I can't bring myself to take him to a daycare or anyone else. I know my family is just as crazy as I am with making sure he is o.k. and pretty much not leaving his side ever.

How did/will you explain your loss to your other child(ren)? How were they affected and how do you cope with it?

When my step son gets a little older (he is almost four) and my son I will sit them down and tell them all about their brother. I will tell him how he got sick and had to go stay with the angels. My SS was alive when I had Gavin. He loved him so, so much. Every morning he would wake up bright and early, run in to my room, and peek in to the bassinet to say "Good morning baby." The hardest part was after Gavin died my SS for weeks would still run in to my room and look for the baby in his bassinet. He was only two at the time so it was hard for him to verbalize how he felt but he always would ask me "where his baby go." I told him he was sick and in the hospital. For a while he would ask "when baby would come home?" but eventually he moved on, which was also just as hard for me.

Any special plans for Fathers Day? I bought my SO some gifts and will also be taking us soon to get our memorial tats. He chose to work though and I know why. Father's Day is really hard for him. He will be home in the morning so I plan to make him a big breakfast in bed.

julesverne · June 2012

Has your loss affected how you parent? If so, what do you do differently? I try to be more patient and savor all the little moments.

How did/will you explain your loss to your other child(ren)? How were they affected and how do you cope with it? We haven't had to cross that bridge yet, and I am dreading it. She knows who Jack is in pictures and I have told her that he is her brother, but I don't even how we will even bring it up.

Any special plans for Fathers Day? DH will have to work, but DD and I will be going to my parents house to celebrate

Open Topic: I've been a little bummed the past few days because tomorrow is the anniversary of us finding out I was pregnant with Jack (and the year we found out, it was a Saturday-the day before Father's Day, etc) I was so happy that day, and looking forward to having a baby to celebrate the next Father's Day with..but little did I know that 7 months and 9 days later, he would be gone. I miss my little boy.