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June 2011 Moms
UO - Thursday!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: UO - Thursday!
Agreed. It's usually a tap on the leg for us. But, I totally believe its the right thing to do. There aren't really any other consequences at this age. But, I will definitely move onto other discipline when it's age appropriate. I do usually explain myself afterward, "you're not allowed to touch the cable box" or "youre not allowed to touch the fan" I think it's good to give a reason no matter what the age.
Who does "physical discipline" 1 year old? Right now the only thing LO's can grasp is redirecting and a harsh "NO" or "STOP" if something is dangerous (and that is only for the purpose of getting them to freeze, they won't remember what they did or why you raised your voice).
I am all over discipline and manners, etc. but 18 months is really the time to start time outs, explaining why and other behavior modification techniques... Also I never think it's OK to hit/smack/spank your child in any way shape or form.
I am pro spanking in a controlled environment with a child who is old enough to understand why they're being spanked. I'm iffy on the swatting. At this point the #1 thing I'm trying to discourage DD from doing is smacking people, which she seems to think is HILARIOUS. I just can't see swatting her to tell her not to hit, ya know?
Oh, yeah, I do say "we don't throw all the movies on the ground" or that sort of thing but I don't explain why that's not how to play with them. That's what I meant by not explaining myself to her.
I call it a suse, only bc I've always heard it from my french friends in Canada.
Ahhh! Carter does this. It's just SOOOOO funny to bop me (or anyone else) on the head. "Ouch, don't hurt mommy" just makes it that much funnier. A stern "No" doesn't seem to get me anywhere with that, either. What mom? You don't get it? Let me show you again because it's so funny!
If you figure out a solution, let me in on it, please!
I hope this doesn't seem like I'm flaming you, but in general, (barring some major behavioral or physiological issues) if you discipline your child correctly from the beginning (teaching the what is acceptable and expected of them), you will never have to spank them when they are older. All spanking a child accomplishes is the desire to not get caught, not to stop doing the behavior. Once they get used to the spanking (I have a friend that has a DS that laughs right after they spank him) then you are up a creek without a paddle. There is no where to go after "physical" discipline, you can't go back to time outs after that.
I don't know, seeing how DD already appears to be trying to test me, 18 months seems like a long time to wait to start introducing consequences for not listening when I tell her "no" or to "stop". I can tell that she knows not to pull the movies off the shelf. She goes over to it, stands up, and looks back at me to see if I'm going to do anything to stop her before they all end up on the floor. If I do nothing, on the floor they go. If I take her away from them to a different toy, right back to them she goes. If I tell her "no", after a few smacks on the hand a week ago for not listening while telling her "no", she now sits back down and crawls on to the next interest. And I don't say this to argue with you or say you're wrong (you have, after all, done this a few times), just that this seems to be working for my family at this time. I'm sure one of the next big controversies on this board will be discipline - when to start, how to go about it - but I don't believe it makes me some terrible person that I've started this early and that I've started with the physical side. I just hope we'll already know to respect everyone else's differences having already gone through so many others (BFing/FFing...CIO...which way your car seat faces...etc.).
So if a child laughs at being spanked, there will be no other consequence that will cause him/her to be corrected? I'm not being snarky or anything, I just find that surprising. I haven't raised a kid past this age before but I am aware of the fact that different kids respond differently to different forms of discipline. Some kids are so worried about disappointing mom and dad that just knowing they did so is punishment enough for them and they need nothing else. If I'm starting with the physical, there are eventually going to be other options to turn to if I see that a smack is not accomplishing what I want it to. And I don't believe physical discipline is the only form that will encourage a desire not to get caught. I'm sure a child who only gets time-outs and doesn't like them is going to be just as likely to hide their bad behavior for fear of being put in time out.
Yet at Christmas, nobody seemed to question how many moms were all Grinch-like, "They won't remember it anyhow." I was floored by how many people said things like this, but so many more people are pro-birthday celebrations. Just an observation I made last week and remembered when I read this. That said, the group on here is much smaller and the dynamic and members may have changed enough since then to explain it.
Here here!
Or is it Hear Hear?
This is easy, ignore it. If he gets zero reaction from you the behavior will cease. Kids hit because it causes you to turn and look, or stop what you are doing to pay attention to them. Even if it is negative attention they still win.
Brynn used to think that hitting people in the face was fun. Because she's only 1 year old and it doesn't actually hurt it was easy for us to ignore. Even company or other people she did it to we just said, oh ignore it please, don't try to correct or scold her it will only turn it into a game. Now she doesn't do it anymore because she's realized it's useless.
You have to adapt and adjust to every child and every situation. And you most certainly can go to time outs after physical discipline. Different things work at different ages, and each child responds differently to certain forms of discipline.
I also can't believe that you think a child this age wont remember what they did or why you raises your voice. They're not dogs, dogs don't remember. Children do. I think you're doing yourself a great disservice by believing that children don't know right from wrong at this age. If you've taught them how to behave, like you're talking about, they know what they are and are not allowed to do.
My point is that they don't correlate HITTING them with what they did wrong. I'm not saying that they are stupid and don't understand anything, heck, my LO can bring me a book if I ask him to! Saying "NO" or "STOP" in a raised voice and then removing your child from what they are doing makes the correlation.
Time outs do not cause pain to your child and as they get older it gives them time to think about what they did, and why it was wrong. It also removes them from the situation and gives them, and you, time to cool off. Hitting them just hurts them, does not explain anything. It's a quick fix, it doesn't last long, it's done out of anger, and I can't imagine why you would think it's a good idea, even if it works quickly for the moment.
And if you think that a time out works after you've been smacking your child, you are in for a shock. Once you've "escalated" your behavior, your child will do the same, going back to "sit down and think about what you did" isn't very effective at that point.
Children do not "fear" time outs. They don't like them, but there is no reason to fear them. They don't get hurt, or yelled/screamed at. It's a time for the child to be removed from the situation, be able to calm down (sometimes the parents need to calm down too) and think about what they did... that is why you explain why they are in a time out, and why you don't do them until about 18 months. Right now learning the meaning of NO and STOP is the way to start.
I agree that different children respond to different types of discipline, but there are MANY ways to TALK and SHOW your child what you want from them rather than quickly resulting to smacking them. Showing them disappointment is one way to get the behavior you want, but they don't understand that emotion until they are a little older. Hitting doesn't show disappointment, it shows anger.
However hitting causes fear, fear causes all sorts of problems in the future, stress, anxiety etc.. There are only certain things a child should fear, their parents are not one of them. I guess I'm just not on board with the fact that parents think their child should fear them in anyway.
Again, you escalate your behavior, your child will as well, you are working on getting your child to fear you, if that fails getting your child to respect you will be much harder.
I debated responding because I know we're not going to agree on this topic but I do want to say that I'm not hitting my daughter out of anger. I know that if I'm angry with her, I need to step back and cool off before I fly off the handle and back-hand her. To others there may not be a difference, but to me there is a vast difference between a back-hand and a light smack on the hand. A back-hand teaches fear, like you said, but that is not what I'm teaching Emma. If I see that starting to develop, then I will know something isn't right and reevaluate but for now, when I see that she is learning to listen when I say no and still go about her day perfectly happy, I'll continue with what is working for us.
Yeah I'm definitely not hitting out of anger. I do it when he's about to do something that could hurt him. Like if he's going to walk off the couch, which actually now I can just say sit down and he knows to stop and sit. I really don't get angry with DS. Except sometimes when he throws my phone at my eye then I've got a black eye for a week.... Lol. But, theres no swatting/spanking/hitting after that.
Hes curious, he wants to explore, he's testing his boundaries. He's not trying to piss me off, so why would I be angry with him? He's a child, and he's acting like one. And I'm just trying to do what I think the best thing for us is.