Why is BM fighting all of this?

hterry85

DHs lawyer was supposed to have gotten papers from BMs lawyer by now. We're waiting to find out what she accepts from the new schedule DH has asked for, or what she counter offers, or whatever. It's looking like they're blowing us off in hopes that it just goes away, so we are going to have to file with the court if we don't get anywhere soon.

But here's what I don't get...per the current CO (that BM wants to keep) we should have picked SS up at 6pm this past Friday for our weekend...she had me pick him up at noon. (We're only asking to pick him up from school/3pm on non school days) She has him for the holiday today, so we took him back at the regular end of weekend time of 6pm last night. DH left her a voicemail arounf 5:45 letting her know we were running a few minutes behind. We got about 10 minutes from her house and she calls back all huffy saying she was at a graduation party and she thought we had SS for the holiday. We double checked, and we don't. She met us back at her house, but she was clearly ticked. Sorry you have to spend your day off with your son.

I'm just scratching her head why she won't give us a little more time!

saywhut82

I feel your pain. Has your DH and the BM communicated about being flexible on the schedule? I am sure if the two of them discussed this weekend, and let each other know their schedules, you and DH would have been able to keep your son all weekend long = more time for you guys...more convenient for BM to go to the grad party and whatnot. Everyone walks away a winner and happy.

My daughter's BF and I have a set schedule, but we negotiate with it all the time. Our daughter is almost 7 and is involved in a lot of activities that don't fit the ordered schedule anymore. This year he is suppose to get her for 45 days during the summer, but I am letting him keep her "55" days so he has her for her birthday BUT he has to allow her 10 days with my parents so they can go on their annual vacation with my daughter. He gets something out of it that is convenient for him, and my parents get quality time with my daugther...which is convenient for me.

Talk without lawyers and see if there is something you both can agree on AND save yourself some money without the lawyers dragging their feet and draining your pockets.  

+j+k+

She's crazy. That's why.  All you have to do is say, "Check the CO. It says you have him.  Please re-review it so there is no understanding next time."

Or, the next time prior to visitation or holiday say, "Per the CO, we have SS this weekend/holiday. Just want to confirm and check that we are good per the CO to still pick him up at 6PM."

Then when you pick him up say, "Okay, so the CO says we bring him back at 6PM Sunday night...you okay with that?"

 

+j+k+

I just have to add, when I have to do the visitation with DD and give her up to her father, it will be so hard.  I can't imagine ever being a mother like your SS's mom.  I'll be itching so bad to get DD back and I"ll be thrilled if H brings her back early or chooses to pass on visitation. I can't imagine my child ever being an inconvenience.  So sad. 

AmberMH08

my SD's BM is like that... she called us wanting us to get her on fri after school instead of starting summer week on week offs on tues like we had planed... we said sat. and when sat. rolled around said come get her 2 hrs earlier.... and she basically threw her in the car without saying goodbye    and told us see ya after  her eye appt on tues the 5th... thats 11 days and she never calls SD  I couldn't imagine being away from my kids SD or DS that long without talking to them or seeing them... i send my son to my moms for 1 night to do something and i call to talk to him at least 5 times... some peope just have their priorities straight when it comes to the kids

CFjo2010

It?s about control, plain and simple. BM doesn?t want to be "forced" to do anything, she wants to do these little changes here and there so it looks like she?s doing more than what?s expected of her. Therefore making her the reasonable, compromising parent. She?s ok with you occasionally picking up SS up extra early (when it?s convenient for her) and keeping him longer (again, when it?s convenient for her), but she doesn?t want to be locked into that. Plus, if CS is determined by % of time, that?s another reason BM probably doesn?t want these changes on paper.

BM in our situation used to be the same way. When the visitation schedule was crappy and chaotic a few years ago (on paper my husband only had K 15% of the time, but in reality it was 30%), she was more than happy to let my husband pick K up early, keep her for an extra overnight visit, have extra visits during the week, etc. In fact, they created a whole new schedule in contra to the CO and followed it for nearly a year. My husband was paying CS determined by the 15% schedule, so he filed for a modification of visitation and CS. Then she blew up. She didn?t want him to have K pursuant to the schedule they had followed for a year, and wanted to actually lower the time he had per the CO. For her it was about the money and being able to "dangle" time with K in front of my husband so he would do whatever she wanted. Now that the visitation schedule reflects what was being exercised previously (and then a bit more), BM refuses any additional time whatsoever.

All you can really do is document, document, document. Document the times you pick him up early, keep him longer, etc. Let her explain why she?s agreeable to all this extra time outside of the CO, but refuses to make it official.

hterry85

jobalchak:

It?s about control, plain and simple.

You hit the nail on the head!

With our distance we wouldn't be able to get enough time to make a difference in CS, but BM was considering agreeing to most of what we were asking for if DH would agree to more CS.

CFjo2010

hterry85:

jobalchak:

It?s about control, plain and simple.

You hit the nail on the head!

With our distance we wouldn't be able to get enough time to make a difference in CS, but BM was considering agreeing to most of what we were asking for if DH would agree to more CS.

So wait, BM was willing to agree to more time if your husband would pay more CS?!  Apparently it's about control and money...

dmndsr4eva

jobalchak:

It?s about control, plain and simple. BM doesn?t want to be "forced" to do anything, she wants to do these little changes here and there so it looks like she?s doing more than what?s expected of her. Therefore making her the reasonable, compromising parent. She?s ok with you occasionally picking up SS up extra early (when it?s convenient for her) and keeping him longer (again, when it?s convenient for her), but she doesn?t want to be locked into that. Plus, if CS is determined by % of time, that?s another reason BM probably doesn?t want these changes on paper.

BM in our situation used to be the same way. When the visitation schedule was crappy and chaotic a few years ago (on paper my husband only had K 15% of the time, but in reality it was 30%), she was more than happy to let my husband pick K up early, keep her for an extra overnight visit, have extra visits during the week, etc. In fact, they created a whole new schedule in contra to the CO and followed it for nearly a year. My husband was paying CS determined by the 15% schedule, so he filed for a modification of visitation and CS. Then she blew up. She didn?t want him to have K pursuant to the schedule they had followed for a year, and wanted to actually lower the time he had per the CO. For her it was about the money and being able to "dangle" time with K in front of my husband so he would do whatever she wanted. Now that the visitation schedule reflects what was being exercised previously (and then a bit more), BM refuses any additional time whatsoever.

All you can really do is document, document, document. Document the times you pick him up early, keep him longer, etc. Let her explain why she?s agreeable to all this extra time outside of the CO, but refuses to make it official.

FYI I don't know how it is in your state, but in my state it doesn't matter if the noncustodial parent has 15% or 35% the child support amount will be the same.  The only way to reduce the child support in my state is to have "shared responsibility" which is considered 35% or more time.  And even then it is calculated by days so it probably wouldn't reduce much unless you truly have 50/50.

 

CFjo2010

dmndsr4eva:

jobalchak:

It?s about control, plain and simple. BM doesn?t want to be "forced" to do anything, she wants to do these little changes here and there so it looks like she?s doing more than what?s expected of her. Therefore making her the reasonable, compromising parent. She?s ok with you occasionally picking up SS up extra early (when it?s convenient for her) and keeping him longer (again, when it?s convenient for her), but she doesn?t want to be locked into that. Plus, if CS is determined by % of time, that?s another reason BM probably doesn?t want these changes on paper.

BM in our situation used to be the same way. When the visitation schedule was crappy and chaotic a few years ago (on paper my husband only had K 15% of the time, but in reality it was 30%), she was more than happy to let my husband pick K up early, keep her for an extra overnight visit, have extra visits during the week, etc. In fact, they created a whole new schedule in contra to the CO and followed it for nearly a year. My husband was paying CS determined by the 15% schedule, so he filed for a modification of visitation and CS. Then she blew up. She didn?t want him to have K pursuant to the schedule they had followed for a year, and wanted to actually lower the time he had per the CO. For her it was about the money and being able to "dangle" time with K in front of my husband so he would do whatever she wanted. Now that the visitation schedule reflects what was being exercised previously (and then a bit more), BM refuses any additional time whatsoever.

All you can really do is document, document, document. Document the times you pick him up early, keep him longer, etc. Let her explain why she?s agreeable to all this extra time outside of the CO, but refuses to make it official.

FYI I don't know how it is in your state, but in my state it doesn't matter if the noncustodial parent has 15% or 35% the child support amount will be the same.  The only way to reduce the child support in my state is to have "shared responsibility" which is considered 35% or more time.  And even then it is calculated by days so it probably wouldn't reduce much unless you truly have 50/50.

 

Are you in TX?  That's one of the very few States that doesn't take % of time into account. 

dmndsr4eva

jobalchak:

dmndsr4eva:

jobalchak:

It?s about control, plain and simple. BM doesn?t want to be "forced" to do anything, she wants to do these little changes here and there so it looks like she?s doing more than what?s expected of her. Therefore making her the reasonable, compromising parent. She?s ok with you occasionally picking up SS up extra early (when it?s convenient for her) and keeping him longer (again, when it?s convenient for her), but she doesn?t want to be locked into that. Plus, if CS is determined by % of time, that?s another reason BM probably doesn?t want these changes on paper.

BM in our situation used to be the same way. When the visitation schedule was crappy and chaotic a few years ago (on paper my husband only had K 15% of the time, but in reality it was 30%), she was more than happy to let my husband pick K up early, keep her for an extra overnight visit, have extra visits during the week, etc. In fact, they created a whole new schedule in contra to the CO and followed it for nearly a year. My husband was paying CS determined by the 15% schedule, so he filed for a modification of visitation and CS. Then she blew up. She didn?t want him to have K pursuant to the schedule they had followed for a year, and wanted to actually lower the time he had per the CO. For her it was about the money and being able to "dangle" time with K in front of my husband so he would do whatever she wanted. Now that the visitation schedule reflects what was being exercised previously (and then a bit more), BM refuses any additional time whatsoever.

All you can really do is document, document, document. Document the times you pick him up early, keep him longer, etc. Let her explain why she?s agreeable to all this extra time outside of the CO, but refuses to make it official.

FYI I don't know how it is in your state, but in my state it doesn't matter if the noncustodial parent has 15% or 35% the child support amount will be the same.  The only way to reduce the child support in my state is to have "shared responsibility" which is considered 35% or more time.  And even then it is calculated by days so it probably wouldn't reduce much unless you truly have 50/50.

 

Are you in TX?  That's one of the very few States that doesn't take % of time into account. 

No, but I am in the southwest.  Additionally only 24 hour periods matter so changing the drop off time on the same day doesn't matter.

CFjo2010

dmndsr4eva:

jobalchak:

dmndsr4eva:

jobalchak:

It?s about control, plain and simple. BM doesn?t want to be "forced" to do anything, she wants to do these little changes here and there so it looks like she?s doing more than what?s expected of her. Therefore making her the reasonable, compromising parent. She?s ok with you occasionally picking up SS up extra early (when it?s convenient for her) and keeping him longer (again, when it?s convenient for her), but she doesn?t want to be locked into that. Plus, if CS is determined by % of time, that?s another reason BM probably doesn?t want these changes on paper.

BM in our situation used to be the same way. When the visitation schedule was crappy and chaotic a few years ago (on paper my husband only had K 15% of the time, but in reality it was 30%), she was more than happy to let my husband pick K up early, keep her for an extra overnight visit, have extra visits during the week, etc. In fact, they created a whole new schedule in contra to the CO and followed it for nearly a year. My husband was paying CS determined by the 15% schedule, so he filed for a modification of visitation and CS. Then she blew up. She didn?t want him to have K pursuant to the schedule they had followed for a year, and wanted to actually lower the time he had per the CO. For her it was about the money and being able to "dangle" time with K in front of my husband so he would do whatever she wanted. Now that the visitation schedule reflects what was being exercised previously (and then a bit more), BM refuses any additional time whatsoever.

All you can really do is document, document, document. Document the times you pick him up early, keep him longer, etc. Let her explain why she?s agreeable to all this extra time outside of the CO, but refuses to make it official.

FYI I don't know how it is in your state, but in my state it doesn't matter if the noncustodial parent has 15% or 35% the child support amount will be the same.  The only way to reduce the child support in my state is to have "shared responsibility" which is considered 35% or more time.  And even then it is calculated by days so it probably wouldn't reduce much unless you truly have 50/50.

 

Are you in TX?  That's one of the very few States that doesn't take % of time into account. 

No, but I am in the southwest.  Additionally only 24 hour periods matter so changing the drop off time on the same day doesn't matter.

Wow.  That's really unfortunate!!  Especially in the OP's situation where BM is basically blackmailing DH (more time for him if he pays more CS).  I really wish all states would use % of time in their calculations.  In TX, the income of the CP isn't considered at all when figuring out CS.  It's done solely based on the NCP monthly income.