Blended Families
Littlejen22
member
Can we get a sticky post at the top of this board
Littlejen22
member
Promising people their kids will call them Mom even if their SK does not. Damn, we get this question a million times and it is annoying. Your child will likely be smart enough to figure it out, just like every other kid has.
And yes, I am cranky today.
Jen - Mom to two December 12 babies
Nathaniel 12/12/06 and Addison 12/12/08
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Can we get a sticky post at the top of this board
I honestly don't understand your post ... I get that it is in reference to the previous post about what the sk will call her, but I think you typed fast and something is missing.
Please elaborate.
lol
If it would appeal to anyone, we could work something like a FAQ post and we can request a sticky.
Hahahaha love this!!
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I wouldn't guarantee it.
It only takes one weekend with my niece and nephew and my DS is calling me "Aunt A."
That's why in my answer I put "they won't forever call you xyz". Because - yes - it happens and kids make mistakes. My DS started calling me daddy when I went back to work full time and dad took over the primary care giver role. At the same time, DS knows I'm mommy. I will always be mommy. People need to chill.
I didn't read the OP. I know some people get pretty riled (DH included) by being called by their first name, so I wouldn't tell SPs that their child won't try it because other kids in their home are using it. It's going to happen, but I think the best thing is to just roll with it. DS knows I'm mom, but he still likes using "Aunt A" because he loves his cousins and wants to be like them. I think if I made a big deal of it, he might be tempted to keep doing it. After a few days, he's over it.
No, but she does need to chill. I just read it.
Got it now! I was reading proposals all day and had major brain fry!
Actually NO, if I were a BM who was actively in my child's life (not the same as the below OP or even <given grudgeingly> J&As case where they are the primary care giver from a very young age) I do not need to chill over my child calling someone else by a very specific title.
You dont throw Doctor, Admiral, or President around...those individuals EARN that name.
There are hundreds of thousands of NickNames that can be used to show affection/love and defference (for those that dont like being called by their first name).
I earned that title by...oh I dont know...being my child's mother. Even if my DH were to have 50/50 custody time, his new wife would never have done enough to come close to what I have to earn a similar title.
The same way, even though I have spent more time, money and emotional support with SS in the last 3 years than BM (remember folks, she drugged him to make him compliant) has in the last 5, but I could not come close to the positives that she has done in his lifetime.
DD is going through a phase of sometimes calling me by my first name right now. Are you calling my child stoopid?!
DS sometimes calls me by my first name because he is so used to hearing FI and FSS call me by that. When he does though we all just laugh about it and then he does it to me just to be funny.
So you're saying that we SM's don't earn it? I've been around for more than half of my skids' lives and DH and I have 50/50 custody, so I do just as much for them as BM does. If an SD or SS wants to call their SM "mom", that's their right. Why should we have to define what a "mom" is to them?
If a SM has been around for a significant amount of time and been very involved then yes I think they have "earned" some sort of endearing title but not Mom. I grew DS, gave birth to him, cared for him, stayed up all night for months with him all on my own and no matter what happens in this lifetime I will always be around and always be his Mother. I get to have feelings about it and have a right to be uncomfortable with him calling someone else my title.
I think that a lot of this just has to do with what you as a person find important. For me, I have always put a lot of stock in titles like that. BF would have DS call his friends "Aunt" so and so or "Uncle" so and so. I don't like it. I feel like only our siblings should be given those titles because friends are not technically Aunts or Uncles. If you don't care that much about titles then that is your right but as my childs Mother I have the right to not wanting him using my title on someone else.
What about if you call your MIL mom? I "jokingly" asked my mom if it bothered her that I call my MIL mom and she laughed. She said, "mom is just a title made up so people know who I am in relation to you. What is important is the great relationship and history that we have together. I know who I am and I know the sacrifices I made to get you where you are today and I dont have to prove that to anybody. I know, you know and God knows who I am and that's all that matters. If you love her for nothing else but the fact that she is your DH's mom, then call her that. If YOU desire to call her mom, then there must be a reason for it. She must of deserved that title somehow. You wouldn't do it if you didnt feel it."
My mom showed me that she was SECURE in who she was. And when you are secure in who you are as a woman, mother, etc.. titles mean nothing to you. While my sk's call me by my first name, their mother told me it didnt bother her one bit because she knows the relationship she has with her children and she knows that I respect her as their mother. Not because she pushed them out her azz but because of what she means to her children. There is strength in the biological bond and too many women hang on to the title instead of being secure with that bond.
I think the title of Mom or Dad should be reserved for the BF or BM. There are rare circumstances where the BM or BF are not in the picture and have never been and will never be and those are slightly different to me.
A step parent can be an amazing influence in a child's life and sometimes deserves a special title but I just don't think Mom or Dad is it. There are many reasons for why I feel that way and there are exceptions sometimes but overall I don't think it's right.
My brother-in-law has had several "mom"s and several "dad"s throughout his childhood. Some were great and some weren't but the one thing that was the same is that as soon as the break-up or divorce was final the relationship he had with them was either over right away or within a short while. Divorce does happen. A BF or BM will still have that relationship if they divorce. (usually, some take off obviously but not most) A step-parent is only attached to that child through the person they married. (although the love can be amazing it's not the same as how they would love their own child for most--as many on this board have said in the past)
I will be back to write more.
It has nothing to do with being secure. I am in no way insecure and know that no one will ever be able to love DS how I do and no one will ever have the bond we have. Good for your mother. She and you obviously place importance on different things than I and some other women do. I will never call my future MIL mom and never called my ExMIL mom. I never felt comfortable with it even though I do love them. That title only belongs to my mother and now that she has died there is no way I could ever bring myself to call someone else Mom.
Actually? I think you really do need to chill.
I think if it makes it easier for the blended family kid to call the step-mom "Mom" when he/she is with them, then let it go. Life is hard enough for the kid, no need to make it harder just so your little one can call YOU AND ONLY YOU Admiral :-)
I wish more women in this world carried themselves with the kind of grace and understanding all throughout this post. This is spot on.
Myra, but do they still call you Aunt are we're they smart enough to learn you go by Mommy? My kids learned to call my Mom Nanny and know I call her Mom, sure they called her Mom a few times but they figure it out.
Need like button.
Yes I am, lol. Nope, I am sure she is smart enough to outgrow it and that she is going through it bc more than your SS call you my your name. And I don't even know I your SS calls you by your name.
You betcha. You (and again, We have FULL custody of SS and he sees her 4 months out of 52) and I still have not done as much as their biological mother.
And most importantly, we're you and your DH to divorce (and given the odds 37%of second marriages, lasting it is a pretty darn good possibility that at least 1/3 of us SMs here will be divorced in 5 years) or DH were to die, you would no longer have that role.
And really, why is it that YOU, the SM NEED to have this title so badly? Why must you step on the BMs toes?
I've known K since she was born, and have been with my husband since before she was 2. When we were planning our wedding, she kept calling me "Mom" and then suddenly stopped. Apparently she referred to me as "Mom 2" in front of BM and she she was really angry and told K she couldn't call me that. We never told K what to call me and she had always called me Jo before we got engaged. K was really upset that she wasn't allowed to call me what she wanted. She started calling me Mama Jo (which BM also hates) and 2 years later she still does. K tells people she has 2 mommies: Mom and Mama Jo.
My kids call their SM Tennessee Mom. And as a BM I'm totally ok with it. If the kids feel like she's earned that title, then I'm grateful that she's a positive influence in their lives when they visit. My feeling on the whole subject is that it's up to the kids, not the parents. As adults we shouldn't influence the kids one way or the other when it comes to what they're comfortable with.
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Seriously? How hard is it? Just like children know to call their parents by Mom and Dad vs their given names (you know becuase they hear others call them that) and are not traumatized, being redirected to NickName won't do it either.
Basically in the end, it is really YOUR (SM) NEED to hear that title that is driving it. And honestly YOUR feelings do not trump the BMs.
I don't see how that is cruel? So if DS insisted on calling BF Joe or sperm donor and I told him no he needs to call him Dad that is cruel? I mean, it is what he's chosing so it's his right, right? (hypothetical situation, he has never said that lol)
Oh bullshite and you know it.
I think it totally depends on the situation and what the kids want.
As a BM, I could care less if my DD calls her SM mom. I have told her she's free to call her that if she wants and it's totally up to her. I'm not there in that house, I don't know her feelings, but to me she IS a mom to my daughter even if it is only EOW(end). That doesn't threaten me or offend me in anyway. I accepted when my Ex and I split that she would have another motherly figure and I actually prefer her to have another motherly figure at her dad's house. DD calls DH dad sometimes and by his name other times. Up until a year ago she called him exclusively by his name. It has always been her choice.
As a SM, my SKs choose to call me mommy. They didn't all decide at the same time, it was a gradual thing. Their BM was perfectly fine with it. She told them they have 2 moms and 2 dads and are lucky to have that. I have no "need" to be called mommy by them. If they started calling me by my name tomorrow, I would be perfectly fine with that.
The kids know who their parents are and who their stepparents are. They differentiate when needed for other people.
I do agree that people need to realize that no matter what anyone else calls a mom or dad the child knows who their mom and dad are and all kids call their parents by something other than mom or dad at some point.
ETA: I also call my MIL mom sometimes. One of my best friends in high school passed away our senior year unexpectedly. I call her mom "mom" as well and have since high school. My mom has never batted an eye over me calling someone else mom.
Saran, I like your thinking (even if I hate my MIL and won't ever call her mom). All the word "Mom" really is designed to do is to describe the relationship between two people.
And I'm sorry to anyone who disagrees, but giving birth IMO entitles you to nothing. Ask a woman who has given up a child for adoption. I highly doubt she thinks that child should still call her "Mom" because she is entitled to that title because once upon a time she got pregnant.
There is no one size fits all answer to this question (or to most of the questions on this board). No matter how snarktastic ya'll get about it.
We say this exact same thing to DS. Kid has 2 dads, 1 mom, and 3 grandmas (two of whom have the same name!), and 4 grandpas. We just tell him he's lucky to have so many people who love him.
Thanks Karma. I did not mean it literally and will laugh with you.
SD calls me by my first name. She always has. Doesn't bother me at all. I called my SD by his first name and I call my SM by her first name. My step sister calls my mom by her first name or "nana" which is what the grandkids call her. My step brother calls my dad dad.
And for those that said if death or divorce happens the step parent goes away, I don't agree. My step dad passed away and I still see my step sister as much as before. She has actually been spending more time with my mom and the rest of us. Yes we are older but I still think the same thing would have happened if we were younger. It is all about how you make your family work. We have a very close family unit and I don't think anything would ever actually tear us apart, death, divorce, etc.