Upcoming custody change (long)

emikat

HI all.  Just wondering if any of you have had to deal with transitioning to a new custody arrangement and if you have any advice on how to make things go as smooth as possible?  

BM is moving this summer out of the state we live in currently and she and DH agreed on changing from their current 50/50 custody schedule to her having full custody with DH getting visitation.  He gets 2/3 summer, all winter holidays and spring breaks and every other Thanksgiving as well as options for some weekends if we end up moving near enough to her.  But that isn't going to be the case right now.  This change is coming up effective June 1 and it will start off with us having SS4 for the first few weeks of summer to give BM time to move out and settle into her new place.  Then she will take him for a couple of weeks to the new place to introduce him to their new home.  After that he will return to us for the remainder of DHs summer time with him. He will then be with BM until the holiday break.  

Do any of you use skype or other video calls to keep in touch with your children on a regular basis during the time they are with the other parent?  In BM and DH's agreement there is a clause of at least once a week sessions, but I'm not sure if that will be enough at the beginning and if we should be adding more in during the week as SS starts to get used to this new life.  I'm worried that he doesn't yet really understand that he won't be able to see DH or BM as often when he is with one parent now.  Also, BM and her live in boyfriend just ended their relationship because they couldn't come to an agreement on where to live and both be happy with their careers.  He moved out today.  SS was advised that the boyfriend would be moving and spent some extra time with him last week as a farewell and while sad, SS seems to be taking it well.   

I'm just so worried that there's so much for him to deal with coming up in the near future.  We're expecting our own child in November and SS is excited for his sibling to arrive, but now will not be here for the birth and won't get to meet his sibling until the winter holiday.  I don't want SS to feel alienated and excluded or that he's been ripped away from everything that he's known so far.  This state has been his home his whole life.  

Do you have any advice on how to help him understand the upcoming changes and would you try and call/skype more often or would that be setting him up for expecting that kind of communication and make it harder on him in the long run when there does need to be longer periods of time between contact?  How do you maintain the closeness going from 50/50 to visitation.  Please any advice or insight would be appreciated.   

NewStepMom2ndBride

How old is SS? (Somewhat of a newbie here, sorry)

As a kid, I talked on the phone with my mom ALL the time but my brother and my SD (15yo girl so ironic....) were/are TERRIBLE on the phone. Stereotypically speaking, I would assume SS may not be so good on the phone so I would definitely recommend Skype rather than the phone. (FI and SD also use FaceBook)

I am also expecting my first and FI/I have been making an effort to 'set up' SD having her OWN relationship with baby. Like 'isn't it cool you'll have a sibling so close?' (she has three far away), also just taking an interest in her life and not talking about baby all the time will hopefully make her see she is irreplaceable (and she really is, lol).

Maybe send 'real' letters with pictures in addition to the phone/Skype. Making a note of any special events coming in his life and sending a card/making an extra phone call when they happen (if you have a bad memory, write them down). And, just make his time with you super special. Dad-SS time and maybe you-Dad-SS (without the baby, get a sitter) time once LO is here.

Ditto pp in that kids can adapt though. Just keep making an effort. :-) GL! 

emikat

Thanks for the advice and some good ideas.  SS is 4 and a half years old.  He's used to using skype with Grandma/Grandpa and with us and his mom when we have gone on vacation so he gets it.  BM does not like us and is essentially uncommunicative except for essential scheduling and occasional behavioral topics. However, she's accommodating with her son's needs to have a relationship with DH and me. Hopefully, that will all continue after they move and cross over into his relationship with his sibling. 

Nineoceans

A lot of what you're saying is raising flags. Can you tell Bm you changed your mind about her leaving with custody of your SS? He is four so he will not be able to do any facilitation of a relationship and if Bm is bad about communication now and you have 50/50...I'd be very concerned.

Your dh knows that once he gives up this parentig schedule it is extremely hard to get back right? Dh and Bm had 50/50 for three years then dh gave her 100% to go into the military. When he got out because the custody wasn't working out (she was not facilitating any communication and using SS like a pawn ti emotionally blackmail Dh's whole family) it cost us $15,000 just to get 50/50 back and we only got that back because Bm can't pass her drug screens. The system is skewed far away from dads and especially the dads who give up time on their own accord.

I mean in this case I would fight for the child to stay in the environment he knows and tell Bm she needs to be the non custodial parent if she is set on moving. You're going from a 50% voice on how he's raised to essentially zero. 

SusanH.

I am wondering why you and your DH dont go for primary custody. YOU are not the one moving so why should YOU give up parenting time?  There is no way in heck my DH would have gone for that with his ex. 

SHE can move, but not with his son!

 

dmndsr4eva

Why is she moving?  And why on earth did your DH agree?  I feel so bad for you SS.  It is hard enough coming from a broken home but being shipped back and forth from state to state all your life probably sucks.  Yeah you can make the best of it but kids need stability and routine.  I would NOT have agreed to this situation.

Karma1969

Why would your DH agree to this move?  Also you don't have to change it to her having 100% custody even is she is with the Mom more.  You can keep it 50-50 even though the child lives with her Mom.  This way he will be able to have more of a chance to get the child back if something isn't ok.

emikat

We were advised that it wasn't likely that DH would get full custody unless we could prove that she was a bad mom.  It's also likely that we may move within the year due to DH's contract expiring here and he is now on a job search.  However, as of now, we are staying put until he finds a permanent job.  DH wasn't sure he wanted to put his son though the pains of a custody fight, because there would definitely be one, if he wanted full custody.  We were told that could take up to two years of fighting in the courts.  The papers have not yet been signed, so it's not official yet.  

ETA:  She is moving for work.  I also feel bad for SS.  His whole world is about to change.   

Nineoceans

In a case where Bm had primary custody and dh had every other weekend I agree you would have a snowballs chance in heck preventing her from moving. He has 50% rights and isn't moving so the cards to keep SS with you are definitely in your favor. I would seek new legal representation and I would not sign anything until you completely know your rights and what youre giving up in this case