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Blended Families
Holly_1007
member
BM making "rules" for our house.
Holly_1007
member
Ok not really rules but she made a rule. Every summer we go to my parents house for vacation with SD. they live about 3 hours away on a lake with a beach, boat and jetski. SD gets along GREAT with my family and everyone has accepted her into the family as well.
the first year we brought SD up to the lake she was 4, we spent time on the boat and at the beach. We made sure we had cell phone service so if BM needed to reach us she could.
The next year we brought SD up to the lake she asked to ride the jetski. She has a life jacket (which she wears all the time around the water and in the boat) We brought the Jetski up to the beach and sat her in front of DH on the jetski, he drove around the harbor. probably not even going any faster than than 15 MPH. she LOVED it!
We were talking with SD a few days ago about our summer vacation to the lake and she said "mommy says I can't go on the jetski this summer" completely heartbroken.
our relationship with BM has completely deteriorated in the past year and she hardly speaks to us, so is she trying to send us a message through SD? (who is 5) and honestly, can she really tell us NOT to let SD on the jetski? we all have our boating license, which means we took the required course and passed the test. We follow all the rules and regulations when operating the boat and jetski. I've been around the water since 1 was a year old.
I don't want to do something behind BM's back, because I know that sends the wrong message, and I'm not even entirely sure BM is doing it for SD's "safety" but why not just discuss it with DH? (oh because shes a biaaaatch who ill only talk through attorneys at this point)
There are PLENTY of things BM does that we feel aren't safe but we don't tell her she can't do them, we just don't take SD to do them on our time.
what would you do?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: BM making "rules" for our house.
thats the tricky part. BM didn't bring it up to us, and honestly 9 times out of 10 refuses to talk to us at pick up/ drop off. her attorney recently sent us a letter that stated we aren't allowed to communicate with BM unless its an emergency or through our attorneys. there are no "casual" conversations
thats the tricky part. BM didn't bring it up to us, and honestly 9 times out of 10 refuses to talk to us at pick up/ drop off. her attorney recently sent us a letter that stated we aren't allowed to communicate with BM unless its an emergency or through our attorneys. there are no "casual" conversations
I agree with this. I would make an attempt to talk to BM about her "rule" just to do your due diligence.
Do you see a problem with how this plays out? They go to the lake and SD says she cannot go on the jetski b/c Mommy said so. Dad says it is his vacation and his rules and she can go. SD purposely goes against the rule that her Mom gave HER and gets the message that Mom's rules only apply when she is with Mom, sending the message that when she is not with Mom she can do whatever she wants. I realize this is not the intention but try to explain why it was ok to purposly ignore what Mom said here and that it was not ok to setup a Facebook account at a friends house? And don't say this is far-fetched b/c it is not. Oh, and when Mom finds out SD will likely get in trouble b/c she did not listen to Mom.
I am not saying it is ok for BM to set rules for SD but I also do not think it is ok to blatantly tell SD that it is ok to ignore her Mom.
As for the jetski, I think that bringing a 4yo on one is irresponsble and I would not allow anyone to bring my kids on one, I realize if I was not married to their father then I would lose that control but I would be pissed and think it was poor judgement. This is one of the many reasons my kids do not go to my brother's house without me, he would let them on the quad against my wishes.
She doesn't have a leg to stand on. On your H's parenting time, he can take her on a jet ski all he wants, it's not illegal. It's sh*tty of BM to relay passive aggressive messages through her young daughter, instead of calling you up and expressing her uneasiness about the situation and coming up with a reasonable compromise.
FWIW, I've given my own DS rides on a jet ski every summer since he was 4. Of course, we don't go fast and of course he wears his life jacket. In my family, it's not unheard of to own your own jet by the time you're 8. My niece started competitive jet ski racing when she was 10. So, I don't see a problem with it, as long as you are a responsible rider and mainly a responsible parent.
I agree that letting the kid go on the jetski would just open up a can of worms and put SD in the middle. If BM was more reasonable, a conversation would be in order. However, since BM told SD she isn't allowed on the jetski, then I'd just leave it alone and tell SD, "Well, I wouldn't want to have you go against your moms wishes." That way you are acknowledging that the mom doesn't want her on the jetski, but aren't making the rule your own.
Crap, my post was supposed to quote nineoceans' response to you where she said she would be passive-aggressive and do what you want. Sorry that I sounded snarky since I did not have that quote. I was debating her, I know you are here for advice!
I agree that she should come to you and not use a 6yo to relay messages. The only way that I see you can talk to her about it though is if you agree in this situation to abide by her request by sending her a message somehow asking her to come to you if she has a concern or rule that she would like you to enforce such as the jet ski and state that you are more than willing to hear her out and co-parent if she is willing to share her requests directly with you. Unfortunately it sounds like that would have to be through your lawyer and I am not sure how that would play out.
As for the safely, I don't doubt for a second that you and your DH love SD and would never put her in danger knowing you are putting her in danger, I just see these things at that young an age to be an unneccessary danger but like you said to each their own but I shared my thoughts because I wanted you to know that there are others that are not trying to be diffucult that agree with BMs thoughts, just not how she went about it. Of course you might have already realized that but I stated it just in case because it is so easy for people on this board to get caught up thinking that there BM's thoughts are always crazy. But like I said, she was wrong in how she is dealing with it.
Well the way I see it is you have three options:
1) talk the Bm about it- not possible in this case
2) do what Bm says
3) do what you want
Option 2 is not actually parenting. If you set up your relationship with Bm to look like she makes all the rules all the time you will get into trouble very quickly when you actually want to start parenting.
If Bm makes all the decisions all the time to avoid waves what is the point of calling yourself a parent. You might as well just be the unpaid babysitter.
Option 3 will make waves for Bm maybe she will even (stupidly) make SD feel badly about it, but she will learn that dh is a parent and he would rather make waves to assert himself as a parent than just let her make all the rules. The most important person is SD and that she sees dh as an authority who makes decisions and acts like a parent to her
She is SD mother.
It has to be really scary for her to send her 5 year old to a lake and know that she will be riding on jet ski's or playing near water without her supervision.
Last year when we took SS to Spain BM told me she was terrified of him being in the pool even though she totally trusts DH and I and SS was 9 and able to swim.
I sat down with BM and listened to her concerns and tried to reassure her. She still prepped SS on applying sun screen and water safety etc.
She is worried and that is what mothers do, they worry 24/7 about their kids.
Your DH can do whatever he wants on his time - such is life in a blended family.
I absolutely know that BM helped create the situation you guys are in, in regards to communication BUT this is just one consequence of parents not communicating. The kids are stuck in the middle.
It wont be the end of the world if SD does not go on the jet ski and it wont be the end of the world is she does.
The issues here is the lack of communication between the parents.
She can't make rules for your house. She cannot control what you do. She has no ability to dictate what you can and cannot do during your parenting time.
And to be totally honest with you, I would not take a child's word as law. Things get lost in translation all the time. So at the next pickup/dropoff, I would just say "Hey, kiddo said that you have some concerns about the jetski thing. Would you like to talk about it or can I reassure you in some way?"
If she insists that your SD cannot ride, then you guys have a decision to make. I personally would let her know that while you appreciate her concern, you want your SD to participate, and that you would happily take any safety precautions that BM feels necessary.
I think this is one of those situations where a CP should have a "say." As my DS's CP, I know what swimming lessons he's had, more about how he is in the water, etc. So I would appreciate being consulted and having the opportunity to get the child a few more swimming lessons, have a safety talk, buy a lifejacket, etc.
Agree. I wish there was some way for your DH or you to talk to BM about this. It's not just a BF issue, either. In our house, we talk to each other about safety and bring up concerns when there's a new activity to make sure that we're taking precautions and making the best choices. DH has vetoed some of my choices, and I his.
As a BM (also a SM), I had a similar issue with my XH. When the kids were 7 and 3, I saw pictures of the kids out on quads with him without helmets on. I openly admit that I blew a fuse and went off on him about putting my kids in danger. I wasn?t upset about the kids being on quads, I was upset that he was so careless about it.
My XMIL called me the next day and assured me that from now on she would make sure that the kids wore helmets and goggles every time they went on the quads. Looking back this may have been passive aggressive of me, but I told the kids that they were only allowed on the quads with Daddy if they had helmets on. I didn?t say they couldn?t go on them, just that they had to wear helmets. After that, I let it go because I know that I can?t control what happens over there and all I can really do it hope that he?s careful with them.
Based on many of your previous posts, I know that there is zero communication with BM so you can?t really talk to her directly about this. All I can suggest is that if you feel safe allowing your kiddos on the jetskis and that you practice water safety while riding, then you aren?t doing anything wrong. I agree with PP about not making a child?s word law. If BM really is concerned, then she needs to discuss it with your husband directly (or through her attorney as she loves to do).
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thanks everyone for the advice! fortunately we have a few months before our vaca, DH and I need to talk it out and figure out what we want to do.
I appreciate all your opinions and input, thanks so much!
Holly, I know you have already recieved plenty of comments, but I just wanted to let you know that we experience similar problems with the BM nearly every visit with my 2 step children. We have them for about 2 week periods about every 1-2 months. Since she remarried, she and her husband have become quite extreme in a religious and cultural way. The children are already homeschooled and now live in a community (while with her) that only associates them with other homeschool children in a very narrow religious community.
Nearly every visit SD (11yrs) passes along a new rule that BM has made for her and/or SS (7 yrs): Not eating meat on any Friday of the year, Books she is not allowed to read (hunger games, harry potter, etc); movies and TV they cannot watch (Sponge Bob, Princess Diaries, etc.); BM also pre-designates outfits for them to wear and they have to obey with specific shoes, headband, socks, etc. or they will face the wrath of BM when they get home. These rules never come via us, but always via the SD.
Anyway, my recommendation is if this is an isolated incident, recognize her concern for her daughter's safety (whether you agree or not, sometimes we just have to swallow our personal opinions) and go along with it. But if it becomes many new rules (like it has for us), we have started instituting a standard of "Daddy's rules" when they are with us. Otherwise, they will also try to play, "we don't have to do this with BM" --my response now is "well rules are different here." Ultimately, we want the children to respect the parenting of both sets of parents. If BM's rules always trump BF's rules, then they cannot respect that.
Best of luck to you!
I agree that if BM did not tell DH herself, it was not said. And that's what he can tell SD, too. He and Mommy are the parents, and any rules that are going to be made must be made between the two of them. Her only job is to be a kid and know that she is loved.
At any rate, all divorced kids learn the house to house system, so you will never entirely avoid the dad's rules/mom's rules mixed messages. Kids know what they can get away with at one house or the other, they just get better at keeping their mouths shut about it as they get older. I can definitely tell when my skids are doing something in our house that probably isn't allowed at BM's. But it comes full circle when they get in trouble for slipping on something that is strictly forbidden in our house but not an issue at their mom's. It's all about picking battles.