Hi, I'm Bronwyn. My son was stillborn on Friday morning at just under 24 weeks. I am so lost and have no idea how to make a path through this. Right now I'm so numb and have literally spent the day lying on my bed just staring into space. I feel guilty that I'm not crying more and that I slept most of Saturday (with the help of sleeping pills). The father is not around. I have great friends but I feel so alone. Yet on the other hand I just want to be left alone.
Reading all your stories has been so heartbreaking. I pray for peace for you all. I don't know what I'm asking for here but if anyone has any words of advice for surviving these early days I would be so very grateful.
Thank you so much.
Re: So lost
***Congratulations to my TTCAL buddy Roxyttandme!! It's a GIRL!! Charlotte arrived on 9/29!!!!***
PGaL/PAL Always Welcome!!
I'm so very sorry for the loss of your son. If you wouldn't mind I'd love to know his name. We hate to welcome anyone here but the women here are wonderful and very supportive. I hope you can find some comfort here.
Don't feel guilty about not crying. Grief is like a roller coaster, it is full of highs and lows. Everyone of us experiences loss differently. Do whatever you need to do to get through the next minute and hour. Cry, scream, sob, zone out, sleep. I found that journaling was very helpful and cathartic to me. There were so many thoughts and feelings flying around my head that writing them down helped me deal with some of them.
Please know that you can share with us any of your feelings. Nothing you say or feel will make you a bad mother.
BFP #2 - Sylvie V. Q. born and died on 10.28.11 at 21w.
BFP #3 - Evie V. Q. Fetal demise @ 16w. DC 7.8.12
BFP #4 - Beatrix V. Q. Born 6.2.13 at 23w6d.
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I agree 100%. You grieve in the way that is best for you. It will just happen. We grieved much before our actual loss because of our daughter's diagnosis. I cried for days. After the procedure was over, I felt numb. You'll figure out what is best for you.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
"You know my name, not my story.
You've heard what I've done, not what I've been through.
If you were in my shoes, you'd fall the first step."
Well said. I am so, so sorry about your little boy.
type 1 diabetic for 7 years. Been on the pump for 6 years.
BFP #2 - EDD 2/26/12 M/C 6/28/11 @ 5w2d
BFP #3 - EDD 4/7/12 M/C 8/2/11 @ 4w2d
Too beautiful for this earth
BFP #4 - EDD 12/09/12, Lucille arrived 11/26/12
I am sorry for the loss of your sweet little boy, Jack. I love that name.
Like the women have said before me, there is no right or wrong way to get through this. I was numb and then angry and then many weeks in a row I stayed in bed and cried until my entire body hurt and I ran out of tears.
Your little boy will be with you always and you might find it therapeutic to write your feelings down, or write to him or speak to him directly (like I do sometimes, even though if someone were to overhear me, they might think I'm crazy). I even sought out counseling, which has helped me to deal with the grieving process in a healthy way.
The women here are amazing and are always here to listen and provide virtual hugs.
My thoughts and love are with you honey. (Super big hugs)
BFP 10/31/11 EDD 7/15/12 pPROM 2/25/12
"How very softly you tiptoed into our world. Almost silently; Only a moment you stayed. But what an imprint your footprints have left on our hearts."
I am so sorry for your loss. It is normal to feel so alone after you lose your child. This is the best I could describe to my friends how I felt after Gavin died "It was like I was on an island alone and it was the saddest place in the world."
Take the time you need to grieve by yourself and do it the way you need to. Right now you are probably still in shock which is why you are not crying. The tears will come and they can be cleansing. Crying is a release of all your anger and sadness. Cry until you can't anymore. Then when you feel ready it is important to find at least one person to talk to. You have to let those feelings out so they don't eat you alive. This board is a great way to receive the support you need. Also I know most of us would talk to you in private if need be.
Again, I am so so sorry for you loss hunny. I will be keeping you in my thoughts.
I compleately agree. There have been many a days where I simply stare out the window and talk to my girls with no tears, no screaming. Then the very next day I will go through a entire box of tissues (I should invest in kleenex). Each day will be a entity on its own. I know just last week I felt "guilty" because it had been exactly 3 weeks since the girls passed and I had not realized it will I was in bed that night.
You WILL have good days again. It just takes time.
I am so sorry for the loss of your precious Jack. Like the other women said, it's hour by hour, day by day. It has been just over two weeks since we lost Patricia, and I can barely remember anything that I have done since then.
I know during the first few days, my husband and I stayed with my parents. We needed to be around people who were grieving as much as we were. In a bubble. It made it more okay for me to just do what came natural, even if it meant watching a funny sitcom that actually made me laugh. I didn't feel as guilty if I wasn't crying all the time, because everyone around me knew how much I was hurting. However, I still felt some guilt when the crying tapered off. The women on this board were helpful. Here is my post about it: https://community.thebump.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/64888988.aspx
Other than that, I tried to keep eating and went for walks. A couple of times I pushed myself too hard. Remember to take it easy, your body is still recovering.
((hugs)). I'm sorry you had to join us.
This. I am so sorry for the loss of your Jack. I do hope this board will be of some comfort to you.
I am so sorry for your loss. The women here are absolutely wonderful and can be leaned on for support any time. It is still so new so do whatever you feel is right for you. I know the first few days after my triplets passed were horrible for me - there were times I just wanted to scream and tear my hair out from the pain of losing them. It is amazing and although you think you will never get passed that point - you do get passed it.
I am so sorry for your loss and for you having to be here.
Hugs
Hysteroscopy 3/2011 2 Polyps removed 4/2011
DH on Clomid / Arimidex to address hormonal issues - Sperm found July 2011!
IVF #1 September 2011 - ER 9/8/2011- 8R, 5M - icsi - 1 made it to transfer - BFFN :-(
IVF #2 Lucky November 2011 - ER 11/25/2011 - 15 eggs!, 13 mature, 10 fertilized with isci - 7 made it to transfer! Transferred 1 - 8 cell and 2 - 7 cell. BFP!!!!
1st U/S - Twins! 2nd U/S - 3 heartbeats!!! - HOLY COW!!!
Prayers for our take home babies!
2 babies born on 3/27/12 and lost. Last baby born on 3/29/12 and lost at 20 weeks.
My angels grew wings shortly after birth.
Ahava Raisel, Matisyahu Nissim & Zev Chaim - Mommy and Daddy will always love you.
IVF #3 July 2012 - ER 7/17/2012 - 10 R. 5 F. 4 made it to ET
Transferred 2 on 7/20/2012 no snow babies :-(
Beta on 7/31/2012 = BFMFN
A miracle gift expected to come to us through adoption around 9/2012
Baby girl adopted - Birth Mother changed her mind and took the baby back
IVF #4 October 2012 - New RE. Doing PGD Testing. 8 R, 7F, 2 made it to 5 day blast for PDG testing. Both Normal (Thank you G-d!!!) 1 boy and 1 girl
transferred one beautiful 5day blast (girl)
Please G-d the almighty one - let this be our take home baby!
Beta #1 158, Beta #2 318, 1 Absolutely magnificent HB at 175! Thank you G-d!!!
Baby Girl born August 5th. Thank you G-d for our precious miracle.
AMA. PAIF & SAIF always welcome - I need all the prayers I can get!