Why can't I just be sad... (long)

mm29

without someone thinking I'm mad at them?

Between my mom and my sister I feel like I can't just be sad and grieve.  One or both of them think that just because I do not want to talk or be around them right at this moment that I'm mad at them. 

WTF?  I just want to cry without having to explain my feelings.  Neither one of them has never had to deal with IF.  They both had an easy time conceiving.  

Last night when I was talking to my sister, she mentioned how I made her feel bad because I didn't call her with my initial beta.  She was then trying to compare the beginning of her pregnancy and the little spotting she had to the bleeding and spotting I have had.  How can she compare?  She did not have to spend $40K on IVF and drugs to end up with nothing!  Nothing, but a drained bank account and two broken hearts. 

A little background--My parents carpool to work because they live an hr outside of salt lake. My mom is always off before my dad, so she hangs out at my house waiting for my dad to get off. 

I know my mom has had grief in her life.  I do not envy her up-bringing.  I will never understand the pain from the tragedy that no other mother should have to endure, the unexpected death of my older brother 15 years ago. 

Today before she left to pickup my dad she asked why I was mad at her. I wish there was a way to explain to her that I grieve differently than her.  I like to be alone!  When I am ready I will talk.  I have never been the person that is cuddly and hugs when I cry.  I'm not going to sit and hug her, and cry in her arms when I'm upset.  I want to climb in my bed, hide, cry, and talk when I'm ready. 

It may not be healthy, but that is how I am.  Why can't they just let me grieve without it being about them?

Why am I so ungrateful?  I know they just want to support me in this process!

 

jillychris

You are not being ungrateful!!! You have every right to grieve in whatever way you want to! Hopefully your mom and sister will realize that, and if not...they'll get over it. You do whatever you need to do for you and YH. ((HUGS))

vanessagorc

I'm actually the same way as you.  Dh and my mom arent like me.  I just want to be alone and in bed.   

I had a d and c the tues before thanksgiving, I just wanted to stay home and skip the holiday.  No one understood that why I wouldn't want the support of my family....well I just didn't.  

 

Ur right, it's not personal towards people..,it's how we cope.  Hugs.   

Gregermis

(((hugs)))

I wish I had a fix answer for you... So sorry your mother and sister don't get it 

Mrs.McIrish

This is your sadness and you need to do it your way. Don't worry about how they feel right now.  Maybe you can explain it to them at another time when you are feeling stronger.  Take care of yourself. It may sound selfish but it is what you need to do.   (I won't give you a hug, ok? LOL)

NMscubagirl

I hear exactly what you are saying. The first time I actually felt normal after my first failed cycle, my mom said "I'm glad to finally have you back", like I was depriving her of something and how dare I. My BFF has said that she thinks I should quit trying because she doesn't like seeing me sad and it hurts her. My mom is always thinking that I am mad at her when this IF stuff is at its worst. I don't think I am an angry sad person as a whole, but every now and then I need to have feelings, I am not a robot. You shouldn't have to be a robot either.

You right now should have the space to feel and act and cry and be sad as much as you want without anyone saying anything to you!!!! I am so sorry you are not getting the support you need. It makes it so much harder. ((hugs))

KMH02

Be sad... Be sad as long as you want! I know exactly what you are talking about, you can't explain it to them and they will not ever understand the feelings you are feeling right now. I had many days where I just sobbed on my own in my room, not even wanting to share that grief with DH. He was at least the one that I could cry to and spew my mean thoughts to and he still loved me and held me when I was ready.

Right now do not worry about them or their feelings. Focus on you and only you that is what is healthy for you. When you are ready to talk feel free to call me! Our thoughts and prayers are with you through this!

Love you! 

XV11Star

You CAN just be sad.  No matter what they might think, or how well intentioned they may be, they do not understand and will not understand.  The best you can hope for is that they will respect... and even then, hmph, I've learned it's tough.  Basically you just need to take care of youself.  YOU are the one that is going through this, on a deeper level even than your closest friend or family could understand unless they had been in your exact same shoes (and of course no one exactly has, because everyone is different!).  I've found that my own husband was the only one that ever said the right things at times, and knew when to let me rant, when to let me cry and when to just let me be alone. 

You have us to lean on, and we can't hug ya even if we tried.  ;-)  But seriously, please do allow yourself a guilt free space to just worry about you... you've been through something very traumatic, and deserve to heal in your own way and at your own pace. 

 

(edited: KMH and I must have been writing at almost the same time and said almost the same things ;-)

theworms

you are not ungrateful!!

i think you need to tell them this is how you deal and what you have to do for you.  if it's easier send it in an email. 

i've had some people make some comments about me and my losses and isolating myself but that's what i needed. FU

and ((HUGS))

SweetDahlia

I'm sorry. My family doesn't get it either. They turn it around and make it about them. It's not about them, it's about you. You need to do what you need to do. Lots of hugs.

reb259

I am the same way, I like to be alone and not talk to anyone until I can work out my feelings and get my head around the situation.  Honestly I think that if other can't appreciate that or let you deal your way it is selfish on their part.  Some people need to remember or accept it is not always about them...

Big hugs, I am so sorry!!

lynn0926

I am tearing up reading this. I want to reach out and you a big hug (even though you dont want one). Can you ask your mom for some space for the next or so and ask her to not come over while waiting for your dad. Explain that you need space and some time to just be alone. You are not being ungrateful. We all grieve differently and you have the right to be left alone and not around anyone. I wish that I could take all of your pain away! You are a strong lady and I admire your strength and determination!

MandaS08

Its ok to be sad, and to express that how you need to-if its by being alone then that's fine-don't add guilt on top of all the negative emotions you are already dealing with.

Maybe send your mom and sister an email or text, just saying that while you appreciate their support and are so glad to know they are there for you, you really just don't have the energy to talk about it-that all of your energy right now has to be focused inward and getting through this, and you need to spend some time by yourself to process your feelings-that it isn't anything personal at all,

I'm sorry that on top of a devasting failed IVF cycle, you are having to deal with your families feelings as well-no matter how well meaning they are!

may2806

You are not ungrateful! I have also had others (ILs) turn it around and make it about them. It's not about them, and honestly I think it's incredibly selfish of others to ask you to worry about their feelings while you are going through something so traumatic. 

I agree with pps that maybe sending them a text or email explaining that you appreciate them, aren't mad at them, but just need to be alone right now, might help them understand. Beyond that, honestly it is up to them how they choose to handle it. You should not have to worry about their feelings on top of everything you're already going through, and if they are truly supportive they will realize that.  

PoeticJustice

You have every right to grieve the way you feel you need to grieve.  Everyone handles loss differently.  If they want to be supportive, than they should respect your feelings because they are not the ones who are going through the stress of the experience.  ((HUGS))

BeeBee08

I'm really sorry.  Some things are just impossible for others to understand.  I am similar as well and I get the same response.  You shouldn't put the pressure of reassuring them on yourself, it's unfortunate for them but your energy right now should be focused on making yourself feel better, no matter what way that is.

Huge ((hugs))

eponine7682

I'm so sorry. This is one of those things that is always on my mind and as much as I want to talk to people about it, I just know that once I do they will say something that will only make me feel worse so I too stay quiet. It isn't fair that they think you are mad when they know you are sad. They should understand that you need some time to heal. Many hugs to you!