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Blended Families
Jmollo28
member
Advice Needed
Jmollo28
member
Ok, so I'm stepmom to a 9 year old girl. Her mom is completely out of the picture. She left when she was 4 and she hasn't called or written SD at all. SD recently has been diagnosed with ODD (if anyones read my other Posts) she is a complete mess.
I think my DH should let his daughter call her mom. She is angry and doesn't know how to be angry with her mom. Instead, she is angry with us, mostly with me. I am getting ready to have a son in June and I need for our house to calm down.
Do you think it is a bad idea for her to talk to her mom? I'm not saying a reuniting, but I do think that SD needs to hate her mom for what she did and not hate us.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Advice Needed
You and YH (assuming neither of you are pyschologists) are not qualified to determine that your SD needs to "hate" her mother. If she has anger issues maybe YH needs to sit down with her and have a heart to heart and find out why she is so angry? And I know this gets thrown around a lot but if you think she has a severe anger issue then she needs to see a therapist. It sounds like you are wanting to have your SD call and yell at her mom which is CRAZY behavior on your part IMO and is not at all healthy for your SD.
I don't mean this to be as harsh as it sounds I just don't know how else to say all of that.
SD goes to a therapist and has for almost 2 years now. She doesnt know how to communicate her anger, we've tried / DH has tried sitting down with her.
Her therapist actually said "SD is stuck in the past and can't move forward" and I guess maybe I posted incorrect. I'm not saying that she needs to yell at her mom, but I think if she is angry, it should be directed towards the person who caused the anger.
I personally would want her mom and her to have an awesome relationship. However, her mom is an alcoholic who has 2 other children. One child she lost to the state and the other she just had.
Ehh I mean what is she going to get from that call with her mom? If anything you see negative behavior increases when kids have visits or a change in new routines/people coming in and out of their lives. What if Bm says some horrible things to her or blames you and dh for everything Sd is dealing with?
I would bet that introducing Bmom into the situation would just help to give her more ammo to hurl at you guys. She won't understand who or what she's mad at for awhile and she will defend her mom to the death because her mom is a small part of her.
Maybe try a new counselor or if she's old enough a new sport or activity where she can learn positive communication
I think if this is your "last resort" then you're doomed. Her calling her mom isn't going to change anything. She's still going to be angry, and as long as mom isn't around, she's still going to displace that anger.
Sounds like time to look for a new therapist, and maybe a psychiatrist who can look into some medication. And your H needs to get a grip on the violence or you need to get yourself somewhere safe until it's under control.
No, a last resort would be sending her to boarding school/ bootcamp/ some sort of therapy retreat (which might be a good idea at this point). Contacting BM will get you NOWHERE.
Honest to pete, did your therapist offer this "brilliant" (Yeppers, I used massive air quotes and just imagine I am rolling my eyes) suggestion?
Did he/she, at the very least, offer to help facilitate this move or where you all just going to hand the phone over and say "have at it."
Was there any prep work or were you just going to call your SD over to the phone be afternoon and dial up?
And how was the follow up going to go?
Seriously!
There isn't anything good that could come out of you or her Dad initiating a phone call to her Mom. If a phone call like this is to take place it should be done within the safety of a therapists office so that they can help her deal with her feelings after the call ends. A phone call like this should take weeks of planning and role playing different outcomes so she can be prepared as much as possible for anything that surfaces during the conversation.
I feel like you need to take her to a different therapist if this was the suggestion you were given.
Calling a negligent alcoholic who is a documented unfit parent is not a solution to any kind of problem, anytime, anywhere, for anyone. That idea is beyond crazy.
You and DH need to work this out with her. She's old enough to be told some of the truth. Does she know about her sibling that was removed by the state? It's not a fun conversation, but learning this and a brief, edited version of the reasons why the state stepped in were helpful for SSs in understanding why they wouldn't be visiting BM anymore.
How many honest answers does she get? I'm guessing there's been a lot of history with BM and being let down. That's not going to go away, and a phone call to BM could make it a hell of a lot worse.
My opinion is that part of the problem is that you think BM has some kind of answers or solution that you don't have. Guess what - it's been five years. BM is not the mom anymore. You are. Like it or not, you have to come up with the answers and the solutions. It's not fun sometimes, and it's not easy, but trust that you can do it.
As you have confidence in your parenting, SD will have more confidence in your ability to care for her. Do not hesitate to treat her like your daughter, love the crap out of her, and show her you're not going to leave her like BM did.
Don't hold out on her thinking that because you didn't give birth to her that you can't help her like her own mother could if she were healthy and sober. You can. You will. I wish you all the best.