It's starting to hit me (long)

ClaudiaStar21

I struggled to get pregnant and got pregnant with clomid and the first ultrasound showed 2 embryos (at 5 weeks 4 days). We were so excited to be pregnant and a little nervous for twins but excited. My next u/s, I told the tech that they think it's twins. She looked and found one healthy sac with a fetal pole and another much smaller sac that also had a fetal pole. She said that either one implanted later or that one wasn't viable. The high risk doc I was seeing didn't have a great bedside manor but was an excellent doc. He said very curtly that it may or may not be twins, no way to tell for Sure and that the image could just be fluids even though two differnt techs reported two embros  During my next u/s there was only the one with a healthy heartbeat. I was so focused on hoping for a healthy pregnancy as I had to see a high risk doc my entire pregnancy and I allowed myself to believe the doctor's dismissiveness that it never really sunk in that I lost a baby. 

I had my son last July and it was a difficult pregnancy. Every time i should have been dismissed from the high risk doc something else came up. I was monitored for my PCOS until 16 weeks, then I had placenta previa then when that resolved itself, they found paracentric cord insertion then I had low amniotic fluid. I was so nervous the entire pregnancy. During delivery my sons heart rate dropped and it was difficult to get him out and they had to cut me a lot. It ended up that the cord was very tight around his neck and he was blueish and didnt cry right away. When I finally got to hold him I felt so much relief and joy. I had some trouble breastfeeding and had a low milk supply so he lost a food amount of weight. I feel like I have been on pins and needles for so long. Now that he is happy and healthy it is starting to hit me that I (even just briefly) was pregnant with twins. It was been making me teary as I have been thinking that I am missing a baby and I wonder so many things like was the baby a boy or girl? What would it be like to have twins? I feel sad for my other baby and think about how I have a baby in heaven waiting for me.

If you've read this far, thanks for listening. It feels good to process my thoughts/feelings as I admit allowed myself to really think about this before.  

Laurakat81

(((hugs))) A loss is hard no matter how long we were pregnant and no matter how many children you have. It does sounds like you're just now grieving. Don't beat yourself up. Grief is perfectly healthy. Take it easy and let yourself grieve for that sweet baby.

ClaudiaStar21

Laurakat81:

(((hugs))) A loss is hard no matter how long we were pregnant and no matter how many children you have. It does sounds like you're just now grieving. Don't beat yourself up. Grief is perfectly healthy. Take it easy and let yourself grieve for that sweet baby.

Thank you.