Update on life (ttc mentioned)

careyalis

The first day back at work went really well. My kids have all of there special area classes  in one chunk on Thursdays, so I had a big chunk of the day to myself. Friday was tougher, but still good for the most part. Several of my kids brought me flowers and I was putting all the vases in a box to carry to my car at the end of the day. One of my little boys said "those will be beautiful at her funeral" (which is an incredibly sweet thought) but he has trouble with speech, and couldn't get the word funeral out. The little girl next to him made it her mission to help him say the word so they kept practicing "funeral. Fu-ner-al. Funeral" over and over and over. I felt myself starting to break down but I couldnt let them know they were making me sad, so I asked them to run an errand  for me so that they would stop. I made it to my car before I broke down and I went straight to the cemetery. I passed pregnant women everywhere on my way to see Avery which just made me more hysterical. It just felt so unfair that I am driving to a cemetery to visit my daughter when everyone else seems to keep theirs.  I sat out and sobbed at her grave for about an hour and had a crazy urge to start digging just so I could hold her again (I know that sounds ridiculous, but I feel like my husband would probably have me committed if I told him) but at that moment it is all I could think about.  It always feels like two steps forward and one step back. I have to make it through one more week before spring break when I can go home and see my family. 

I took a pg test yesterday because I still hadn't started my period. I knew that I wouldn't be pg, but somehow I convinced myself that I was and I was so disappointed. I ended up starting last night. We are going to start TTC immediately.  I'm still really scared if it is the right thing to do or not, but the idea of preventing a pregnancy sounds absolutely repulsive right now.  

Sorry for being so distant lately. I look at the board often, but I never know what to say these days.  I hope you all are having a good day today. 

littlepenguin2012

Big, Huge hugs to you today.  I am glad that first day back was okay and that your students were sweet to you.  I totally understand the feeling of unfairness and the seeing pregnant ladies everywhere.  (I went to the grocery store today at 7 am, to hopefully not see anyone, and I saw three pregnant ladies and two newborns).  I used to feel like it was the universe out to get me, but now I realize I am just more sensitive, because I am looking for it (it still hurts though).  Please know you are not alone, and you have lots of support.  I have found that once I mentioned to others how much it was bugging me to see all the preg. ladies/babies it had less of a hold on me.  

I did want to mention to you that the urge to start digging in the cemetery is talked about in "Empty Cradle, Broken Heart" as a totally normal response.  Please don't think there is anything wrong with any reaction you are having.  ((hugs))  

lrichmond86

I just want to say that I think you are amazing.  It is so hard to go back to school, especially when all around us are these little kids who have parents who don't care for them properly and who have well-meant but ill-received words of "comfort" for us.  Keeping you in my thoughts!

careyalis

Thanks ladies. It's nice to know that I am not the only one who has had those crazy thoughts before.  

agran

I don't post often over here but I wanted you to know I've had the exact same urge to dig when sitting at Lilly's grave-- you are not crazy.  I've also stayed awake at night when it is cold out worried that she isn't warm enough.  To this day I would dig her up if I could just to hold her again. 

 Big hugs I'm so sorry for your loss. 

pottermommy

I am so sorry you are having a rough day.  But yay on getting through the first few days as difficult as they were.

The idea of digging her up isn't as original or crazy or wierd as you may think.  I think everyone goes through that.  In fact, and I am serious, a baby girl was buried the day before Kam was two rows away and that night her mama actually did just that, now yes that is a full out breakdown, but you arne't the only one in the world who has thought about it.

I used to say I wish they could have given her back to me so I could just sit and hold her, sounds gross I know but I couldn't help it. 

Huge hugs you aren't alone or crazy you are grieving and missing your precious girl.

ally2011

Just reading that made me have the urge to dig too, so you are not alone.

Just one thought....my doc said 3 months to fully heal physically to start trying again, and 6 months for emotional.  Because of our recurrence rates, I am just now to the point that I can say I am willing to try again.  However, I have heard many ladies within the first couple months feel very strongly one way or the other and that changes over time.  

Your loss is still fresh and your body needs to heal.  I am not trying to tell you what to do....but I would encourage you (if you have not already) to talk to your doctor about this.  If you have and I am just being annoying with advice that you don't need, ignore me and I apologize.

Hugs,

Jenn 

Mjmksb04

Glad your first day went as well as it could under the circumstances. I have moments where I don't tell my husband my thoughts because I know he would think I am crazy, so I relate.

weddedwife

Nice to hear from you. I'm glad your first day back wasn't too terrible.

Gizu92708

Huge hugs.

careyalis

Thanks for the support ladies.

@potter- I can't believe that she actually went through with it!  Did they just find her out there the next day?  Poor thing! 

@jenn- you are not annoying and I appreciate you sharing your advice   You are one of the sweetest girls on here by far!  I have talked to my doctor about it though and he says that he would prefer for me to have two periods before I am pregnant again, but it is fine if it happens before then.

nuttycoconut

Carey - I'm glad you updated! I hope this week is going as well as possible. Your students were so sweet to bring you flowers. My babies are in urns so I haven't had the digging urge but the first time we left the house for a long weekend I wanted to take their urns with us so they wouldn't be home alone.