On that note, I am done replying to this thread. I firmly believe you are LOOKING for the "bashing" you end up getting.
And I am not sure why or what you gain from it. But I think you need to get back into therapy and bring this up to your counselor. Because not only do you continually go round and round with your husband's actions, and not make any changes - you continually post here about the same things and not only NOT make changes, but get the ocntinual "negative" responses from the posters here (all who come to you from different situations - be it BM, SM, SingleMoms, etc).
There is some sort of Martyr complex going on here and I think that is part of the problem you have with your relationship with the children.
But as one of the previous responders noted...what is going ot happen if your SKs mother dies? Sure, you can martyr along, but that will actually make your living situation REALLY bad. You need to get this undercontrol before hand.
Twink imagine if tomorrow you woke up and decided to take control of your own life instead of waiting for everyone around you to make you happy.
My ss is the same age as your oldest SS and I have been with DH for 5 years now. From day one I have put in the effort to be good to my SS and treat him with the love and care that ALL children deserve. BM hated me in the beginning and DH ex (not BM) hated SS so he pretty much was used to keeping SS out of the way.
I put in effort to change all that.
Last weekend DH was OOT at a stage party and BM had plans. BM called me and asked if I could keep SS for the weekend. I just spent two days alone with my 10 year old SS. All because I was willing to make the effort.
Moral of the story: MAKE AN EFFORT!!!
Phantom - that is good that they see you in that role with your SS. It feels good to know that you have a part in their life, and I get that.
In my case, that's just not the role that I play. I've never even met BM, so she certainly doesn't call me for help w/the kids. Would I be up to it if she needed my help? Sure, I'd do that for the kids.
My H doesn't even ask for my help b/c he feels his kids are his responsibility. We just have a different arrangement.
As far as sitting back and letting other people make me happy, I most definetly have taken control of my life to make myself happy.
The issues that have burdened me for the past couple of years, I HAVE TAKEN THE INITIATIVE TO CHANGE THEM.
I continued to have medical problems, and I was very tenacious about finding an answer and take my health into my own hands. I've worked with so many drs, reached out to many people to get myself into a better place. I finally found the answer...as I mentioned, I have found lyme disease, which causes the bladder issues I've had for about 5 years. No telling how long I've had lyme since we just found it.
People that know me said how relentless I have been about this issue, and how admirable that is. Now I feel I am on the right track and have improved in many ways.
I didn't like where I was living. I continued to search for new jobs for over 2 years. Finally, I found the PERFECT job for me, and I'm so proud to be at the company I am at. I took a step up in my career, got approximatley 30% raise at a Fortune 500 company. I'm also now living in a major metro area in a top city to live in and enjoying it.
In a very short time, I've branched out and went to 2 different social events by myself where I knew no one, just to make the effort to meet people and have a social circle.
My relationship with my husband continues to get better and better. Our financial situation continues to get better and better (I complained about it 2 years ago, but it's pretty damn solid now). We are building a new house - it is the nicest house that either of us have ever had. It's beautiful, and we're very excited about it.
The two most difficult things in my life are being in a blended family (not uncommon) and struggling to conceive. But does having the s-kids 4 - 5 days/month make me unhappy when I have so much that I am happy with? No, absoluetly not. I'd like it to be better, but it doesn't take away all the good that I've achieved in my life.
And as far as my speaking out and saying that my blended family is not great, I think I am just being honest. On occassion, I will receive direct messages from others that tell me they understand how I feel and that they struggle in the same way. I really don't think it makes me evil or is all that uncommon. I'm just willing to step out and admit it. Have I given 100%? Yes, at times. All the time, no. B/c when I put myself out there, and I get hurt, I pull back. It's just a cycle that I struggle with. I think the distance has also made it challenging for me. We didn't see the kids very much and when we did, finally by Sat. night we'd warm up to each other. But then they would leave. And we had to start over EVERY month. Now that we're closer maybe that will help be able to create something that doesn't fade from month to month.
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I also want to add that I am not unhappy in my life or my marriage. I can maintain a happy life and marriage without having a good relationship with my husbands kids. The two are not dependent on each other in my case. It's not that big of a deal to me where it used to upset me. Now I just accept it as it is.
I call horsehockey!
First, you do need to have a decent relationship with your husband's kids to have a decent relationship with your husband. If you do not, the resentment you have for them NOW is only going to get worse as they age. And he will end up having to make a choice...and you might not like the choice he makes.
Second, of course it upsets you or you wouldnt post it.
Third, let us ALL be honest with each other here...even though you hold an equal role in this "relationship", your DH has a major hand in it too. Why would you want to remain with a man who doesnt try to foster a good relationship between the people he loves the most in this world.
At the very least, my DH WANTS us all to get along..he just doesnt go about it in a healthy way. Your DH is so lacksadasial about you, his kids, his finances, his family, etc, why would you want to stay with him? What does he really bring to your marriage again?
You're wrong here. My H ABSOLUETLY DOES want us all to get along; he just doesn't know how to get there. We read books together; he goes to the counselor with me (before we moved when I was going). He wants this to work, but I can't blame him for not knowing how to make it work. I can't either.
His finances are in fantastic order. The debt I complained about early on is GONE. He got rid of it, and now we are in a fantastic spot b/c he makes very good money and works hard.
Also - he brings a lot to the marriage. He's VERY dedicated to me and we share the same vision for our future.
Look, I am not trying to be MEAN, but show you how your relationship looks (by your OWN POSTS I might add) to people outside of the situaiton.
If your DH was SO dedicated to making your relationship with his children work, he would have either A) included you in the daily care, to include getting the kids ready and out the door and/or recognized your disconnect with his children and talked to YOU about it from the get go. Ie, the first time you did not get up off your ass when the kids were walking out the door to go home, he should have asked YOU why YOU were not putting forth any effort...why YOU feel the need to wait for an invitation to see off HIS children.
I have stated before, we have never had a standard visitation schedule. My H is very capable of packing 4 children's outfits, putting into the suitcase and walking them outside. He did this without my help or knowledge. We have a 3,000 sf house, so it's very easy for this to happen without me seeing it. When he takes them out without saying bye, which happened only on a couple of occassion. I post that it happened and that's totally blown out of context. B/C I DID ADDRESS HIM WHEN THIS HAPPENED ABOUT 3 YEARS AGO AND HE CHANGED IT.)
The lack of A and B is a pretty good indicator of a man who really doesnt care, either for the sake of his wife or the sake of his children. I would be pretty pissed if my husband couldnt show the COMMON EFFING COURTESY of saying good by to my friends as they left, let alone my children.
This is why I have no sympathy for you. Because you LOOK to find things to distance yourself from these kids and then blame it on THEM or your DH or the BM. But if this were a guest of your DH and they were getting ready to leave, would you WAIT for his permisson/inclusion to walk the couple to the door/car?
see above. i address the situation when it happened. I am not looking to blame my Husband alone. I'm pointing out that I am not going to take 100% responsibility when there are 3 adults in this situation who ALL influence the kids.
So why is it SO HARD to provide your husband's children the same? If anything, you should be HELPING your DH get these kids ready and out the door. Because that is what responsible, considerate adults and helpmates DO.
Let us be honest here, trying to wrangle two kids, one having autism, together and out the door is not an easy endeavor, logistically. So there is not way you didnt SEE him going through the motions. The fact that you dont have enough love for your DH to at least HELP HIM do this work shows just how self-centered you really are.
I'm not sure how difficult your child is, but this was never a problem for my H to pack their bags with 4 sets of clothes. The kids are well-behaved and this never created any problems. Seriously, he never needed my help in packing their bag. For both of us, it would've been overkill. You also make so many assumptions as if I've never helped do anything with the kids. I cook, pick them up if needed, buy their b-day presents when my H can't do it, etc. I know how to help my H when he needs it. But he is a very active H and dad. We SHARE all the housework. We both cook. He helps out around the house just as much as I do and takes an active role in doing the hands-on work with his kids that many men don't even know how to do.
So even IF your DH is a boob, who is lazy with your relationships (which, given how he allows his family to treat you is pretty much spot on) the fact that YOU have are JUST as lazy within the relationship means that this is not a really wonderful marriage.
My H has refused his family's invitation for us to visit both times that they've asked now b/c he realizes how I was hurt in the last situation. And he says that he could care less about seeing them. So I wouldn't say he lets them hurt me. I told him NOT to bring up the last incident b/c they wont' get it.
My H and I are VERY involved in growing our relationship, and it continues to improve. We love each other very much. We were both married before, so we know how special what we have is. I'm sorry that you can't see how this is possible even with struggling with a b-family. I"m sorry that your b-family struggles have brought you close to the point of divorce.
My H and I have had similar struggles in the past but have worked through them, thank good, and are in a good spot now.
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These are YOUR stepchildren. So much different than random kids. If you really can't think of them as anything other than some random stranger's kids that you need help, seriously. Get counseling on how to interact with others. You are the adult and they are the children. YOUR job as a parent (even a stepparent) is to help these children grow in their relationships. That means you have to do the work so they can observe the positive impacts and will want to reciprocate that. You need to talk to your husband and work together to foster your relationship with the kids. You probably need to do one on one time with each child separately. You aren't doing a very good job at "fake it till you make it" because you haven't stepped up enough to even say goodbye to them. Please make that your motto. Something as simple as saying goodbye, I mean really, you would do to any guest but we aren't talking about a guest we are talking about a member of your family, your husband's children, YOUR stepchildren. What exactly have you done to help this? Have you taken any suggestions given to you in the past?
Above is not true. Please re-read what I wrote. I stated that about 3 years ago this was the case. I am the one that says bye now. My H is the one that had them leave without saying bye to me. So now, if he doesn't think I'm important enough to tell me bye, then I am hurt and take it to mean I''m not important enough. This was 3 years ago. I stepped up and told them bye last weekend, but they did not say it back to me. I always tell them bye now.
What are your stepkids interested in? Have you tried doing a Family Game Night to foster the family relationship? I'm pretty sure someone has told you before you need to at least treat them equally to your nieces. That means if you would hug your nieces you need to hug them, if you tell your nieces you love them, tell the kids you love them. You aren't really giving these kids a fair chance because you are expecting them to act like adults and "know" when it's appropriate to hug someone, ect. They have already been "trained" to hug the other family members goodbye and those adults hug them as well. For one, your stepson with autism NEEDS to be shown how to interact with someone. They are probably uncomfortable with you because you are uncomfortable with them and you are the adult.
No, i don't expect the kids to know. I expect my H, an adult, to know and encourage that. I will not tell my s-kids that I love them. that would be extremely awkard. You can not tell someone whom they should tell they love. That doesn't fit every blended family situation and would be terribly awkard in mine. NO way in heck would I offer that when it's not felt mutually.
I really want to know, can you name specific things you have done alone with the kids or as a family to help this relationship with them?
I'm thinking you need to start a journal in which you write down only positives about your stepkids. Things you like about them, things they like to do for fun, positive interactions you had with them, things for fun you did as a family. I would write in it every night they are with you. Make yourself think positively about them and your relationship with them. DO NOT WRITE ANY NEGATIVES IN IT. Then re-read each entry as often as you need to, when you start thinking negatively, ect. Focus on the positives and foster the relationship while you still can.
I'm not saying you have to "Love" them but you should have a "love' for them as you would your family members. There are different kinds of love. I'm not saying love them like they are your own children. I'm saying treat them the same way as your nieces. "IF you tell your nieces you love them, you should tell the kids you love them" How do you think your stepkids feel knowing their Stepmom loves her nieces more then them or loves her nieces and isn't even sure she likes them.....that's why I said "fake it till you make it." I know you don't love them, but they don't need to know you don't. They are kids, all kids think their family loves them and you are their family. Stepchildren > nieces or at least = to. How would you feel if you had children and you husband treated your kids this way? I for one would be divorced in a nanosecond if I were in that situation. I'm not saying every blended family is the same, but a child of your husbands should be treated like any child in your family because they ARE a part of your family.
While, it would be nice if your husband was more helpful in helping you form a bond with his kids, it's not really his job. It's your job to bond with them. You need to take responsibility. You need to step up, like we've been saying. My husband did nothing to help me bond with his children. I did all the work myself. I went in to help tuck them in at night. I helped them pack their bags to go back to BM's. I put band-aids on their boo-boos. I played with them. I took them places. I did everything I could because I loved their father so because I loved their father, I also loved them.
To simplify even further: You are an adult, twink. YOU should at least know how you feel about your stepkids without someone having to tell you how you feel, and you should also know what you want your relationship to be with them without someone telling you what that is.
Take the reins in your own life. If you want to hug your step kids, hug them. If you want to find another way to show them you care for them, do it. Stop acting like you are a mere puppet of your H and be your own person.
Stay at home mom to a house of boys: two amazing stepsons, 12 and 9, and our 4 year old.
I don't understand how you can have a great relationship (except for the kids), have a shared vision of the future (but be unsure about the kids), and think your husband is a great husband/father. That's like the old "so how was the play, Mrs. Lincoln?" joke, kwim? Even if the kids are not a part of your daily life, they still play a HUGE role, and will continue to do so for the rest of your husband's life.
We've all gone around and around on this before, but I really hope that you all find some resolution here with your stepkids before bringing a baby into your home.
If the not saying goodbye has not happened in 3 years why are you still talking about it? You are annoyed people are not moving past it but you keep bringing it up. You issues today seem to be that you still feel like a bystander in your house and that you are convinced you can have a happy and healthy life separate from your husbands minor kids. And in fact you want to have kids with your DH unless that has changed. All that I can read into this is that you have invested time and think it is better to try to accept all that is lacking than it is to move on.
Jen - Mom to two December 12 babies
Nathaniel 12/12/06 and Addison 12/12/08
I just finished reading Stepmonster and I highly recommend it. Basically the gist of the book is that it is pretty standard that blended families have a lot more difficulties than first families. And that it is ok if things don't always go smoothly. Basically it says that in some ways you need to lower your expectations. I don't mean to sound negative but I wish I would have read this book three years ago. And I wish my ex would have read it. He always made me feel like a bad person because things weren't perfect between me and his daughters. Instead of understanding that there are a lot of normal reasons that there will usually be difficulties.
The book closes on a chapter about "Lifers" women who have been stepmom's for 30+ years. And guess what? Even after 30 years it is very common to STILL have problems with stepkids. Step In laws and step grandkids add a whole new round of issues.
Like I said the book pretty much just brings everything we need to know out in the open and with all this knowledge it will help you overcome the challenges of stepfamilies.
I also agree that one thing you can do right away is start inviting the kids out with you a couple of times a month to do stuff alone. I realized too late that spending "family" time with them apparently was not meeting their expectations (or they just wanted something else to complain about). Take them out shopping, take them for manicures, go watch a movie, go to lunch. Just try to show them that you are taking an interest in their lives.
However, the book does talk about how any extra effort you put can make them feel like you are trying too hard. Being a stepmom sometimes can feel like you can't win for losing and that the book says is NORMAL.
Re: 4 years later
On that note, I am done replying to this thread. I firmly believe you are LOOKING for the "bashing" you end up getting.
And I am not sure why or what you gain from it. But I think you need to get back into therapy and bring this up to your counselor. Because not only do you continually go round and round with your husband's actions, and not make any changes - you continually post here about the same things and not only NOT make changes, but get the ocntinual "negative" responses from the posters here (all who come to you from different situations - be it BM, SM, SingleMoms, etc).
There is some sort of Martyr complex going on here and I think that is part of the problem you have with your relationship with the children.
But as one of the previous responders noted...what is going ot happen if your SKs mother dies? Sure, you can martyr along, but that will actually make your living situation REALLY bad. You need to get this undercontrol before hand.
Phantom - that is good that they see you in that role with your SS. It feels good to know that you have a part in their life, and I get that.
In my case, that's just not the role that I play. I've never even met BM, so she certainly doesn't call me for help w/the kids. Would I be up to it if she needed my help? Sure, I'd do that for the kids.
My H doesn't even ask for my help b/c he feels his kids are his responsibility. We just have a different arrangement.
As far as sitting back and letting other people make me happy, I most definetly have taken control of my life to make myself happy.
The issues that have burdened me for the past couple of years, I HAVE TAKEN THE INITIATIVE TO CHANGE THEM.
I continued to have medical problems, and I was very tenacious about finding an answer and take my health into my own hands. I've worked with so many drs, reached out to many people to get myself into a better place. I finally found the answer...as I mentioned, I have found lyme disease, which causes the bladder issues I've had for about 5 years. No telling how long I've had lyme since we just found it.
People that know me said how relentless I have been about this issue, and how admirable that is. Now I feel I am on the right track and have improved in many ways.
I didn't like where I was living. I continued to search for new jobs for over 2 years. Finally, I found the PERFECT job for me, and I'm so proud to be at the company I am at. I took a step up in my career, got approximatley 30% raise at a Fortune 500 company. I'm also now living in a major metro area in a top city to live in and enjoying it.
In a very short time, I've branched out and went to 2 different social events by myself where I knew no one, just to make the effort to meet people and have a social circle.
My relationship with my husband continues to get better and better. Our financial situation continues to get better and better (I complained about it 2 years ago, but it's pretty damn solid now). We are building a new house - it is the nicest house that either of us have ever had. It's beautiful, and we're very excited about it.
The two most difficult things in my life are being in a blended family (not uncommon) and struggling to conceive. But does having the s-kids 4 - 5 days/month make me unhappy when I have so much that I am happy with? No, absoluetly not. I'd like it to be better, but it doesn't take away all the good that I've achieved in my life.
And as far as my speaking out and saying that my blended family is not great, I think I am just being honest. On occassion, I will receive direct messages from others that tell me they understand how I feel and that they struggle in the same way. I really don't think it makes me evil or is all that uncommon. I'm just willing to step out and admit it. Have I given 100%? Yes, at times. All the time, no. B/c when I put myself out there, and I get hurt, I pull back. It's just a cycle that I struggle with. I think the distance has also made it challenging for me. We didn't see the kids very much and when we did, finally by Sat. night we'd warm up to each other. But then they would leave. And we had to start over EVERY month. Now that we're closer maybe that will help be able to create something that doesn't fade from month to month.
To simplify even further: You are an adult, twink. YOU should at least know how you feel about your stepkids without someone having to tell you how you feel, and you should also know what you want your relationship to be with them without someone telling you what that is.
Take the reins in your own life. If you want to hug your step kids, hug them. If you want to find another way to show them you care for them, do it. Stop acting like you are a mere puppet of your H and be your own person.
I don't understand how you can have a great relationship (except for the kids), have a shared vision of the future (but be unsure about the kids), and think your husband is a great husband/father. That's like the old "so how was the play, Mrs. Lincoln?" joke, kwim? Even if the kids are not a part of your daily life, they still play a HUGE role, and will continue to do so for the rest of your husband's life.
We've all gone around and around on this before, but I really hope that you all find some resolution here with your stepkids before bringing a baby into your home.
I just finished reading Stepmonster and I highly recommend it. Basically the gist of the book is that it is pretty standard that blended families have a lot more difficulties than first families. And that it is ok if things don't always go smoothly. Basically it says that in some ways you need to lower your expectations. I don't mean to sound negative but I wish I would have read this book three years ago. And I wish my ex would have read it. He always made me feel like a bad person because things weren't perfect between me and his daughters. Instead of understanding that there are a lot of normal reasons that there will usually be difficulties.
The book closes on a chapter about "Lifers" women who have been stepmom's for 30+ years. And guess what? Even after 30 years it is very common to STILL have problems with stepkids. Step In laws and step grandkids add a whole new round of issues.
Like I said the book pretty much just brings everything we need to know out in the open and with all this knowledge it will help you overcome the challenges of stepfamilies.
I also agree that one thing you can do right away is start inviting the kids out with you a couple of times a month to do stuff alone. I realized too late that spending "family" time with them apparently was not meeting their expectations (or they just wanted something else to complain about). Take them out shopping, take them for manicures, go watch a movie, go to lunch. Just try to show them that you are taking an interest in their lives.
However, the book does talk about how any extra effort you put can make them feel like you are trying too hard. Being a stepmom sometimes can feel like you can't win for losing and that the book says is NORMAL.