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Blended Families
twinkl5379
member
4 years later
twinkl5379
member
hello,
I'm sad to say that 4 years later my relationship with the Skids has not really improved. The only thing that has gotten better is that I don't get upset that I'm not part of the family anymore. I'm just used to it.
But as I look back two things stand out to me. My H and I both realize that neither of us know how to make the situation better and that we've both made mistakes in the past.
A couple of mistakes that I think my H has made are:
1. At bedtime and when the kids leave with each visitation, I've never hugged them. I've not done this b/c he has never encouraged it. Ever. I don't have the personality that just hugs people without them initiating it (aside from my nieces). If I hug anyone's child, it's usually b/c the parent suggested it. Yet he hugs them every night and every time they leave. So I've always had to watch this and felt like I'm not part of the family so don't hug. Yet they hug H's extended family every time.
When we are with my nieces that I'm very close to, I always hug them and then tell them to hug my H - b/c as children they may not hug him without the initiation since he's not been in their lives as long, and I want them to develop that relationship with him. Hugging is part of it.
2. H has never encouraged them to even tell me good-bye at departures. Nearly 3 years ago (before long distance), their mom would pick them up from our house and H would take them outside to wait on her to get there. I'd stay inside to avoid awkardness. But he'd never tell them to come tell me bye before they left. It's like I didn't matter.
Granted - I think H did this b/c having the skids hasn't been easy, and he probably thought I didn't want these things, so he hasn't known how to handle the relationship anymore than I have.
But as I bring this up, it's no wonder I don't feel like part of the family - they've been encouraged to treat me differently than any other family member.
The question is where do we go from here? How do you try to make a better relationship that has not improved over 4 years?
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Re: 4 years later
Or conversely, given that you have never, ever, (you know being the adult) ever, never made the first move to hug or even say good by to your husbands children so HE took this as a cue to YOUR wants/needs/feelings about and ran with it.
Seriously, you couldn't get over your need to be hugged first for children? For your husbands kids, you can't just drum up the enough consideration to say good by first.
No wonder they don't like you.
Im not trying to be snarky, but I think you are old enough to know that you could probably give someone a hug with out being told to do so, KWIM? I think it might be one thing if the SKIDS are 17 and 18 or something, but if they are younger children, it cant hurt.
My FIL once gave me this advice, when I turned to him for help. My SS was being fed lots of stories about me from his BM, and I needed to know how to show him I cared. I am not a "hugger" either. FIL said, Hug SS when he gets there, and when he leaves, show affections, remind SS you love him, and set up some one on one time to rebuild your relationship with him.
Years later, our relationship is not perfect, but because I have been doing those 3 things, I feel more of a connection to my SS, and I think he truley knows I care about him.
Good luck.
Mary, why is it all on me when there are 5 of us in this . My h, bm, 2 kids and me. ALL of the adults influence how they feel about me. I think my h has an equal responsibility in helping the relationship. All I'm saying is that it doesn't help that he doesnt know how to do that. And we know that bm has said negative things about me, so those things are factors.
I have tried conversing with them, playing games, etc. I have tried all of these things. Despite that it never felt right to hug them when my H didn't encourage it.
My
Let me clarify , not my need to be hugged first by children but for the PARENT of the children to invite that relationship. It is not comfortable to hug other people's kids without them encouraging that.
I didn't have a chance to say bye. They were out the door without me knowing. It clearly wasn't important enough for the three of them, including my h, to stop and say bye before heading out. That tells me I'm not that important.
My
Let me clarify , not my need to be hugged first by children but for the PARENT of the children to invite that relationship. It is not comfortable to hug other people's kids without them encouraging that.
I didn't have a chance to say bye. They were out the door without me knowing. It clearly wasn't important enough for the three of them, including my h, to stop and say bye before heading out. That tells me I'm not that important.
So now that you have this realization, what are you going to do to change it? Is your H going to ask them to hug you? Is he going to ask them to say goodbye to you? Are you going to reach out and hug them? Say goodbye to them? I think YOU need to get over your hang-ups. Reach out to hug them. Or, have your H have a talk with them, tell them that while it may seem wierd to them, it would mean a lot to him / you if they would hug you when they arrived and left. You don't feel comfortable initiating the hug, but you he would appreciate it if they made the effort.
YOU can also reach out to them. There is no reason now, after 4 years, that you wait inside while they wait for their mom to pick them up.
Also, plan some one-on-one time. Take them out for pizza, shopping, to the movies.
You cannot control BM, so leave her out of the equation. She could spend all day feeding the Skids lies and they could still realize that you love them and care about them.
Twink, I don't think Mary is saying it is all on you. She is pointing out that you are not taking responsibility for your part. Ok, H didn't encourage it and SKs didn't initiate. However, like PP said, you are the adult. You may not always get a good return on investments. However, if you don't make any investment you will certainly get nothing.
I understand how you feel, I have been hugging youngest son for four years and it is still ackward and difficult at times (for him). But recently, he started taking the initiative and hugs me first. Or screams he loves me on the way out the door to school. It always surprises me, but it took a lot of hard work over a long period of time. If you feel ackward and you are old enough to understand how you feel. Imagine a kid feeling ackward who doesn't know how to express or step through it. Don't give up!
First of all, these are not just any old set of kids. They are your husband's children. The fact that you cannot differentiate this and YOUR relationship may just be part of your problem.
You should not have to wait for permission to hug your husband's children. And let us be VERY VERY VERY honest here, it is not as if you had NO idea when the kids were leaving. Custodial changes, even in the openest of divorces, has a clear logisitical structure. You knew the general time for their departures and could easily enough have been ready....but by NOT being ready is a VERY CLEAR indicator that YOU do not care.
IE - if you are not helping to get the kids ready to go, you are not trying to be part of their life, therefore you dont deserve a good by.
We can go round and round about this...and we have. You refuse to see how YOU have a major role in this debacle of a relationship (more than these kids ever will). And until YOU make some changes, no one else is going to either. And yes, the onus at this point IS on you.
I call horsehockey!
First, you do need to have a decent relationship with your husband's kids to have a decent relationship with your husband. If you do not, the resentment you have for them NOW is only going to get worse as they age. And he will end up having to make a choice...and you might not like the choice he makes.
Second, of course it upsets you or you wouldnt post it.
Third, let us ALL be honest with each other here...even though you hold an equal role in this "relationship", your DH has a major hand in it too. Why would you want to remain with a man who doesnt try to foster a good relationship between the people he loves the most in this world.
At the very least, my DH WANTS us all to get along..he just doesnt go about it in a healthy way. Your DH is so lacksadasial about you, his kids, his finances, his family, etc, why would you want to stay with him? What does he really bring to your marriage again?
wow....just wow...
I'm just going to say i agree with all the pp on this one....
Make a pregnancy ticker
Twink imagine if tomorrow you woke up and decided to take control of your own life instead of waiting for everyone around you to make you happy.
My ss is the same age as your oldest SS and I have been with DH for 5 years now. From day one I have put in the effort to be good to my SS and treat him with the love and care that ALL children deserve. BM hated me in the beginning and DH ex (not BM) hated SS so he pretty much was used to keeping SS out of the way.
I put in effort to change all that.
Last weekend DH was OOT at a stage party and BM had plans. BM called me and asked if I could keep SS for the weekend. I just spent two days alone with my 10 year old SS. All because I was willing to make the effort.
Moral of the story: MAKE AN EFFORT!!!
DS is 7 years old. Until recently (so, for seven years) he never hugged DH (who is his bio-father!). He only wanted me. Me to hug, me to stay with him, me to help him to sleep, me to pick him up from school. DH said "I will keep trying as long as I live to show that little boy I love him). He hugged DS, offered to put him to sleep, etc. I know it hurt DH when he would see other boys bonding with their fathers - playing balls, picking them up from school.
This year within the past couple of months, DS has turned a corner and they are "buddies" now.
Talk to your H and discuss a new goodbye routine.
These are YOUR stepchildren. So much different than random kids. If you really can't think of them as anything other than some random stranger's kids that you need help, seriously. Get counseling on how to interact with others. You are the adult and they are the children. YOUR job as a parent (even a stepparent) is to help these children grow in their relationships. That means you have to do the work so they can observe the positive impacts and will want to reciprocate that. You need to talk to your husband and work together to foster your relationship with the kids. You probably need to do one on one time with each child separately. You aren't doing a very good job at "fake it till you make it" because you haven't stepped up enough to even say goodbye to them. Please make that your motto. Something as simple as saying goodbye, I mean really, you would do to any guest but we aren't talking about a guest we are talking about a member of your family, your husband's children, YOUR stepchildren. What exactly have you done to help this? Have you taken any suggestions given to you in the past?
What are your stepkids interested in? Have you tried doing a Family Game Night to foster the family relationship? I'm pretty sure someone has told you before you need to at least treat them equally to your nieces. That means if you would hug your nieces you need to hug them, if you tell your nieces you love them, tell the kids you love them. You aren't really giving these kids a fair chance because you are expecting them to act like adults and "know" when it's appropriate to hug someone, ect. They have already been "trained" to hug the other family members goodbye and those adults hug them as well. For one, your stepson with autism NEEDS to be shown how to interact with someone. They are probably uncomfortable with you because you are uncomfortable with them and you are the adult.
I really want to know, can you name specific things you have done alone with the kids or as a family to help this relationship with them?
I'm thinking you need to start a journal in which you write down only positives about your stepkids. Things you like about them, things they like to do for fun, positive interactions you had with them, things for fun you did as a family. I would write in it every night they are with you. Make yourself think positively about them and your relationship with them. DO NOT WRITE ANY NEGATIVES IN IT. Then re-read each entry as often as you need to, when you start thinking negatively, ect. Focus on the positives and foster the relationship while you still can.
My family and DH's family are all huggers. It's highly encouranged by all the parents that all the kids give hugs (there are 11 nieces and nephews just on my H's side of the family). That said, the only kid that I don't exchange hugs with is my SS. I still talk to him and do the hi, how are you, how was school...etc. I ususally have to be the first to attempt a conversation with him.
He is a little older now (14), but since day one he never liked me or gave me much of a chance, I still put in some effort, but probably not as much as I should. It has no effect on my marriage. I once over heard him with his friends, they refered to me as his Mom and he promply said she is not my mom, then the friend said sorry, your stepmom and he said "don't call her that"...
My opinion is, if the kids are still young, you can certainly insert your self. Hug them first, it might feel awkward at first, but give it a try. If your DH goes outside to wait for BM, then follow him out and tell the kids you wanted to say goodbye before they leave. Even if you are pissed at your H for just going outside without telling you, who cares... Maybe ask your H what time BM is getting the kids, so you have an idea of when you need to say goodbye.
You say that there are 5 people in this situation, but you may be the only one who is not satisfied with the way things are. Neither BM nor the kids are at all responsible for how the kids interact with you. The kids owe you the respect they would owe any adult, and if you don't get that, then I think it would be fair to point a finger at BM. But as you've not mentioned that, I assume that's not really the concern.
The kids are going to take behavioral cues from other people--mostly YH. Yes, I think he bears the greatest responsibility here for not guiding your interaction with the kids. And he definitely should have taken more initiative here to prompt the kids on how to treat you, and to discuss with you what kind of relationship you want with the kids. I think I've said this before, but I really don't get YH. It seems like he just isn't really sure about his place in their lives. So, it would stand to reason that he just doesn't know what to do with you and the children.
But how, over the course of 4 years, have you guys not discussed this and come up with a plan? It seems like after a handful of weekends with them, there should have been a conversation--he could ask if you want some time with the kids, if you want to participate in bedtime routines, etc. And if he did not ask, you could begin the conversation.
Where do you go from here? Think about what you want. Do you want to be close to the kids and have them want to hug you, or do you just not want to feel excluded? What do you want to be to the kids--a friend/ally? a parent? their dad's wife? Once you know what you want, then you should talk with YH. If you simply want to not feel excluded, then that's totally different than wanting to forge a true relationship with them. Either way, you can suggest some things, and ask him for some suggestions and feedback. Then make a plan and implement it.
I am bio-mom and DH is step dad, and I have never, once, reminded him to hug my children good night. It is something that he just does, as they head upstairs. He is not a hugger either, nor is anyone in his family, and still, if he didn't, I would honestly wonder what the heck is wrong with him. Like other posters said, they aren't random children, they are step children and as the adult in the relationship, you are the one that should take the lead and show them that you wish to be a part of their life.
As for saying goodbye, how can you not know when they are leaving. It's not like it is some random time on a random day. Rules are pretty clear regarding drop offs and pick ups, and you should be readily available to say good bye when it is time to leave.
I think that you are trying to put the blame on your DH, when it is not his responsibility to remind you or the kids to hug one another. Again, like PP have stated, you are the adult, and if you want a relationship with them, that's your responsibility and no one elses.
Twink---
You have an AUTISTIC STEPSON, You've stated this over and over, he doesn't intiate typical social interactions b/c that is WHAT AUTISM IS.
Autism is also hereditary...there is a strong possibility that your H passed it on to him and his sibling may have traits of autism without being autistic.
SO YOU ARE BLAMING SOCIAL INTERACTIONS ABNORMALITY ON 3 PEOPLE WHO ARE SOCIALLY UNABLE TO GIVE YOU WANT YOU WANT WITHOUT YOUR EXPRESSED DIRECTIONS THAT YOU WANT IT.
Take out the facts about Autism and you are still expecting your husband and his children to read your mind and act on it.
Sometimes I truely think you are a troll and this is all MUD
I actually forgot the little boy was autistic.
:::head desk:::
Seriously, how is this DH's fault and not yours at all? Do you like drama or save it for this board?
Bc they are/were kids! And one if not both has Autism. You do not see it just like you did not see it when you complained about SSs therapy and how he did not need it and yet said he was almost "cured". You say you can maintain a good relationship but in this post I assume you chose not too.
Why stay if you think you are not important to DH?
I have about three different reactions to this:
1. I feel badly that you can't seem to be anything other than a passive bystander in your own life. I'd love to see this change for you.
2. I feel like you need to look beyond this board for advice since we don't have the credentials needed or something to get you to listen to the experience and wisdom behind the replies you get. Perhaps find a professional with a degree whom you will actually take to heart.
3. I feel like you need to show that you can be the grown up and own your own actions and set the tone for your relationship with your stepkids ASAP. If you plan on staying in this relationship and you've shown no more personality nor backbone than a limp dishrag, when those stepkids are teens, they will walk all over you. Show them that you are a woman, you can initiate good interactions with them, you can take control of their relationship with you and be pro-active in your own home.
Not in a negative way, but in a positive sense, they need to know that you are an active, thinking, feeling, being with ideas and goals and an interest in them and your relationship with them and not a wallflower. If you wait for everyone else to show you how to act and how to deal, then you're showing them that you are a child, and once they emotionally mature beyond the age you're showing them you are right now, all respect will go out the window. So act now.
Yes, I agree. I was in counseling before we moved. I've relocated to a new state, started a new job and haven't found a new counselor yet, but it's on my to do list.
His finances are in fantastic order. The debt I complained about early on is GONE. He got rid of it, and now we are in a fantastic spot b/c he makes very good money and works hard.
Also - he brings a lot to the marriage. He's VERY dedicated to me and we share the same vision for our future.
So you share the same vision for the future--where do the kids fit into that? What do you both want?
If you don't feel like you have his support, why not ask him in a very straightforward way? Tell him what you told us, and say that you aren't satisfied with your interactions with the step kids. Even if he is unsure of his role in his childrens' lives, you can still address the concrete behaviors to change (ie, I would like to hug the kids goodnight/goodbye, I would like to be there to say bye to them, I would like to take them shopping for summer toys/clothes).
You will still need to initiate, but he can support you and encourage you. He can talk to the kids and tell them that you fear you got off on the wrong foot, and you would like to change things. He can help create situations for you to be with them. And most importantly, he can show them--through his actions--that you are important, and that they are important to you.
This.
Twinkl, you know that in the beginning i was not a fan of yours. I got over that to an extent and you sort of warmed on me....but it's posts like this that take me back to those beginning days when i was so angry (for lack of a better word) at you.
You. Are. An. Adult. The choice to hug, or say goodbye, or develop any kind of relationship with these children is on YOUR shoulders. Do not wait for your husband to 'encourage" you to be a part of their lives. Take initiative and BE a part of their lives.
Seriously, how self centered are you?
1) you ARE a parent in these kids' lives. You married their father, which makes you a parental figure to them. Period.
2) maybe you told your step kids THEY weren't that important by not choosing to step foot out on the porch and say goodbye to them while you KNEW they were waiting out there for their mother.
I had forgotten this fact for a moment!!
Holy shiznit!!! You are expecting someone who is incapable of understanding social intricacies and niceties to not only 1) understand them just for YOU and 2) read your MIND in order to do so!
WTF Is wrong with you? Seriously?
1) If your H AND You, the ADULTS here can't figure out how to make YOU bond with these CHILDREN how the heck are the children supposed to figure it out? It's not that hard! Say hello, say goodbye, Treat them like you WANT to be a part of their lives.
2) Suddenly your finances are no longer an issues. Just like that? I call horsehockey on THIS.
3) WHAT is the vision you two have for your future? Does it include your skids? Imagine if BM were to unexpectedly pass away or something and your DH had to take on full time care of his children. What would happen then?
I'm not saying you have to "Love" them but you should have a "love' for them as you would your family members. There are different kinds of love. I'm not saying love them like they are your own children. I'm saying treat them the same way as your nieces. "IF you tell your nieces you love them, you should tell the kids you love them" How do you think your stepkids feel knowing their Stepmom loves her nieces more then them or loves her nieces and isn't even sure she likes them.....that's why I said "fake it till you make it." I know you don't love them, but they don't need to know you don't. They are kids, all kids think their family loves them and you are their family. Stepchildren > nieces or at least = to. How would you feel if you had children and you husband treated your kids this way? I for one would be divorced in a nanosecond if I were in that situation. I'm not saying every blended family is the same, but a child of your husbands should be treated like any child in your family because they ARE a part of your family.
While, it would be nice if your husband was more helpful in helping you form a bond with his kids, it's not really his job. It's your job to bond with them. You need to take responsibility. You need to step up, like we've been saying. My husband did nothing to help me bond with his children. I did all the work myself. I went in to help tuck them in at night. I helped them pack their bags to go back to BM's. I put band-aids on their boo-boos. I played with them. I took them places. I did everything I could because I loved their father so because I loved their father, I also loved them.
I wrote a lot of helpful info, and asked you a lot of questions which you did not respond to. The only thing you did write in response to me was defend your actions like you always do. Always on the defensive, never wanting any help. I asked those questions for a reason. I think your lack of a response is my answer to the questions though.
None of us can help you, because you just ignore our advice and get defensive. I'm not sure it's even worth me replying to your posts anymore.
Look, I am not trying to be MEAN, but show you how your relationship looks (by your OWN POSTS I might add) to people outside of the situaiton.
If your DH was SO dedicated to making your relationship with his children work, he would have either A) included you in the daily care, to include getting the kids ready and out the door and/or
recognized your disconnect with his children and talked to YOU about it from the get go. Ie, the first time you did not get up off your ass when the kids were walking out the door to go home, he should have asked YOU why YOU were not putting forth any effort...why YOU feel the need to wait for an invitation to see off HIS children.
The lack of A and B is a pretty good indicator of a man who really doesnt care, either for the sake of his wife or the sake of his children. I would be pretty pissed if my husband couldnt show the COMMON EFFING COURTESY of saying good by to my friends as they left, let alone my children.
This is why I have no sympathy for you. Because you LOOK to find things to distance yourself from these kids and then blame it on THEM or your DH or the BM. But if this were a guest of your DH and they were getting ready to leave, would you WAIT for his permisson/inclusion to walk the couple to the door/car?
So why is it SO HARD to provide your husband's children the same? If anything, you should be HELPING your DH get these kids ready and out the door. Because that is what responsible, considerate adults and helpmates DO.
Let us be honest here, trying to wrangle two kids, one having autism, together and out the door is not an easy endeavor, logistically. So there is not way you didnt SEE him going through the motions. The fact that you dont have enough love for your DH to at least HELP HIM do this work shows just how self-centered you really are.
So even IF your DH is a boob, who is lazy with your relationships (which, given how he allows his family to treat you is pretty much spot on) the fact that YOU have are JUST as lazy within the relationship means that this is not a really wonderful marriage.