It will get better... Right? — The Bump
Childless not by choice

It will get better... Right?

I have lurked here a couple times... Posted once and deleted it. I feel like my heart is just breaking here. I got the final word that kids are not a possibility about 4 months after our wedding. It took me 2 months to tell my husband and I still feel like he doesn't accept it or believe me. This was over a year ago and it is really hitting me now.

I have told pretty much no one else and I don't want to, but I feel like keeping it bottled up is making me even more crazy.

My SIL is pregnant with twins so the questions about us having kids just keep on coming and I swear I am going to crack one day and snap at someone... I am so happy for them but the closer the twins are to being born, the more I think about the fact that we will never have any of it. I can't stop thinking about the fact that we won't have people to care about us when we are old. We won't have graduations to go to, or have anyone to pass anything onto.

Will these thoughts stop and get better? What can I do? I can't keep crying... This is getting me nowhere. 

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Re: It will get better... Right?

  • It sounds like you're not emotionally relying on your husband as much as you could, because this is both of you going through it. You're in it together! 

    If you don't mind me asking, why aren't you telling anyone? I know that it's no one's business (we've told few people about our IF struggles), but if you are 100% certain there is no way to have a child it might offer you some relief as opposed to getting bombarded with the questions and comments. I'm sure that will only get amplified once your SIL has her kids. Don't torture yourself, because you don't have anything to be ashamed of. 

    There are plenty of other paths to parenthood, if you decide to pursue them, but in the meantime my biggest advice is to focus on what you do have. Make lists of things you can do with the freedom, sleeping in, saving quicker, traveling, going to dinner, etc. Plan a trip, just do things with your husband to enjoy that connection, too.  

    Everyone here, and many of those suffering with IF, have highs and lows. Some days are tougher than others, but if those days get to the point that they aren't allowing you to function "normally" then seek help. This is a massive crisis that you don't have to handle all on your own. 

    Having kids is no guarantee either. It doesn't mean they would be healthy or that people will be there to care for you or would want your things. I know I'm taking a lot of emotion out of this, but clearly life doesn't go as planned, so try to see the other side of the coin, too. Becoming a parent isn't the key to happiness. Your life is going to go on regardless, so find things you enjoy and that bring you joy!

    (Live in Europe) TTC since 1/2010
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  • imageMitzi Bishi:

    It sounds like you're not emotionally relying on your husband as much as you could, because this is both of you going through it. You're in it together! 

    If you don't mind me asking, why aren't you telling anyone? I know that it's no one's business (we've told few people about our IF struggles), but if you are 100% certain there is no way to have a child it might offer you some relief as opposed to getting bombarded with the questions and comments. I'm sure that will only get amplified once your SIL has her kids. Don't torture yourself, because you don't have anything to be ashamed of. 

    There are plenty of other paths to parenthood, if you decide to pursue them, but in the meantime my biggest advice is to focus on what you do have. Make lists of things you can do with the freedom, sleeping in, saving quicker, traveling, going to dinner, etc. Plan a trip, just do things with your husband to enjoy that connection, too.  

    Everyone here, and many of those suffering with IF, have highs and lows. Some days are tougher than others, but if those days get to the point that they aren't allowing you to function "normally" then seek help. This is a massive crisis that you don't have to handle all on your own. 


    Thank you for responding, I know I should rely on my husband more but I tend to try to take of everything myself. As far as not telling anyone, I just don't think I am ready yet. I am sure the people that need to know will know at some point.

    As far as being unable to function, I am not nearly there! I was bummed and tired last night after a crazy work week so it was a low. I am definitely able to be happy and have great times as well. I just need a place to vent where people understand, ya know? 

    I don't really think adoption is an option for us but things do change. It is just hard to think past just about everyone I know getting pregnant! I know it will get better and I just need to get there.. 

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  • imagetherickson:
    imageMitzi Bishi:

    It sounds like you're not emotionally relying on your husband as much as you could, because this is both of you going through it. You're in it together! 

    If you don't mind me asking, why aren't you telling anyone? I know that it's no one's business (we've told few people about our IF struggles), but if you are 100% certain there is no way to have a child it might offer you some relief as opposed to getting bombarded with the questions and comments. I'm sure that will only get amplified once your SIL has her kids. Don't torture yourself, because you don't have anything to be ashamed of. 

    There are plenty of other paths to parenthood, if you decide to pursue them, but in the meantime my biggest advice is to focus on what you do have. Make lists of things you can do with the freedom, sleeping in, saving quicker, traveling, going to dinner, etc. Plan a trip, just do things with your husband to enjoy that connection, too.  

    Everyone here, and many of those suffering with IF, have highs and lows. Some days are tougher than others, but if those days get to the point that they aren't allowing you to function "normally" then seek help. This is a massive crisis that you don't have to handle all on your own. 


    Thank you for responding, I know I should rely on my husband more but I tend to try to take of everything myself. As far as not telling anyone, I just don't think I am ready yet. I am sure the people that need to know will know at some point.

    As far as being unable to function, I am not nearly there! I was bummed and tired last night after a crazy work week so it was a low. I am definitely able to be happy and have great times as well. I just need a place to vent where people understand, ya know? 

    I don't really think adoption is an option for us but things do change. It is just hard to think past just about everyone I know getting pregnant! I know it will get better and I just need to get there.. 

    Of course you need a place to vent. It's good that you at least come here! Those pregnancy announcements are really difficult and we all go through highs and lows, so don't beat yourself up. 

    Hopefully you can find some peace soon. If anyone understands that adoption isn't always an option it's the ladies here. Wouldn't it be nice if that was the heartache cure all, but unfortunately it isn't and much of society doesn't get that. 

    Hang in there! Plenty of us are also struggling to find our place in this battle, so it's nice to commiserate.  

    (Live in Europe) TTC since 1/2010
  • imagetherickson:
    imageMitzi Bishi:

    It sounds like you're not emotionally relying on your husband as much as you could, because this is both of you going through it. You're in it together! 

    If you don't mind me asking, why aren't you telling anyone? I know that it's no one's business (we've told few people about our IF struggles), but if you are 100% certain there is no way to have a child it might offer you some relief as opposed to getting bombarded with the questions and comments. I'm sure that will only get amplified once your SIL has her kids. Don't torture yourself, because you don't have anything to be ashamed of. 

    There are plenty of other paths to parenthood, if you decide to pursue them, but in the meantime my biggest advice is to focus on what you do have. Make lists of things you can do with the freedom, sleeping in, saving quicker, traveling, going to dinner, etc. Plan a trip, just do things with your husband to enjoy that connection, too.  

    Everyone here, and many of those suffering with IF, have highs and lows. Some days are tougher than others, but if those days get to the point that they aren't allowing you to function "normally" then seek help. This is a massive crisis that you don't have to handle all on your own. 


    Thank you for responding, I know I should rely on my husband more but I tend to try to take of everything myself. As far as not telling anyone, I just don't think I am ready yet. I am sure the people that need to know will know at some point.

    As far as being unable to function, I am not nearly there! I was bummed and tired last night after a crazy work week so it was a low. I am definitely able to be happy and have great times as well. I just need a place to vent where people understand, ya know? 

    I don't really think adoption is an option for us but things do change. It is just hard to think past just about everyone I know getting pregnant! I know it will get better and I just need to get there.. 

    I'm an occasional lurker and just wanted to tell you that I'm really sorry you are going through this, but do at least lurk over on the adoption board a bit.  I know that adoption isn't for everyone, but seriously look into it before completely writing off being a mom.  There are quite a few over there who were reluctant about adoption at first, but now say it's the most amazing experience and blessing.

    Whatever you decide, good luck to you and I hope that you can find the peace you need to lead a fulfilling life. 

  • imageGo_Dawgs:

    I'm an occasional lurker and just wanted to tell you that I'm really sorry you are going through this, but do at least lurk over on the adoption board a bit.  I know that adoption isn't for everyone, but seriously look into it before completely writing off being a mom.  There are quite a few over there who were reluctant about adoption at first, but now say it's the most amazing experience and blessing.

    Whatever you decide, good luck to you and I hope that you can find the peace you need to lead a fulfilling life. 

    I know you mean well but this isn't that helpful. People usually don't wake up one morning and say "no adoption for me so I guess this is the end of the road! What's for breakfast?" so to insinuate that they have is a little insulting.  

  • imageattackthis:
    imageGo_Dawgs:

    I'm an occasional lurker and just wanted to tell you that I'm really sorry you are going through this, but do at least lurk over on the adoption board a bit.  I know that adoption isn't for everyone, but seriously look into it before completely writing off being a mom.  There are quite a few over there who were reluctant about adoption at first, but now say it's the most amazing experience and blessing.

    Whatever you decide, good luck to you and I hope that you can find the peace you need to lead a fulfilling life. 

    I know you mean well but this isn't that helpful. People usually don't wake up one morning and say "no adoption for me so I guess this is the end of the road! What's for breakfast?" so to insinuate that they have is a little insulting.  

    I disagree with this post. I thought the post was helpful and honest and trying to point out other roads. Go dawgs wasn't trying to pursade the OP..just show options.

     

    "Onward"--CathyMD Waiting since 07/5/2011 for our forever child! Yep we are adopting!
  • imagebaze2:
    imageattackthis:
    imageGo_Dawgs:

    I'm an occasional lurker and just wanted to tell you that I'm really sorry you are going through this, but do at least lurk over on the adoption board a bit.  I know that adoption isn't for everyone, but seriously look into it before completely writing off being a mom.  There are quite a few over there who were reluctant about adoption at first, but now say it's the most amazing experience and blessing.

    Whatever you decide, good luck to you and I hope that you can find the peace you need to lead a fulfilling life. 

    I know you mean well but this isn't that helpful. People usually don't wake up one morning and say "no adoption for me so I guess this is the end of the road! What's for breakfast?" so to insinuate that they have is a little insulting.  

    I disagree with this post. I thought the post was helpful and honest and trying to point out other roads. Go dawgs wasn't trying to pursade the OP..just show options.

     

    I don't take offense but wish it was as easy as deciding! 

    image
  • imagebaze2:
    imageattackthis:
    imageGo_Dawgs:

    I'm an occasional lurker and just wanted to tell you that I'm really sorry you are going through this, but do at least lurk over on the adoption board a bit.  I know that adoption isn't for everyone, but seriously look into it before completely writing off being a mom.  There are quite a few over there who were reluctant about adoption at first, but now say it's the most amazing experience and blessing.

    Whatever you decide, good luck to you and I hope that you can find the peace you need to lead a fulfilling life. 

    I know you mean well but this isn't that helpful. People usually don't wake up one morning and say "no adoption for me so I guess this is the end of the road! What's for breakfast?" so to insinuate that they have is a little insulting.  

    I disagree with this post. I thought the post was helpful and honest and trying to point out other roads. Go dawgs wasn't trying to pursade the OP..just show options.

     

    I find it hard to believe that anyone who is looking at being childfree hasn't already weighed/currently weighing the options. It's no different than the people who ask why haven't you looked at xyz? Why aren't you doing this? You should this before you write it off.

    I constantly have people telling me I should be looking at adoption and that I shouldn't "close that door" until I've investigated it. Because I totally haven't done any of that, I just decided one day that it wasn't for me, case closed.  

  • imageattackthis:
    imagebaze2:
    imageattackthis:
    imageGo_Dawgs:

    I'm an occasional lurker and just wanted to tell you that I'm really sorry you are going through this, but do at least lurk over on the adoption board a bit.  I know that adoption isn't for everyone, but seriously look into it before completely writing off being a mom.  There are quite a few over there who were reluctant about adoption at first, but now say it's the most amazing experience and blessing.

    Whatever you decide, good luck to you and I hope that you can find the peace you need to lead a fulfilling life. 

    I know you mean well but this isn't that helpful. People usually don't wake up one morning and say "no adoption for me so I guess this is the end of the road! What's for breakfast?" so to insinuate that they have is a little insulting.  

    I disagree with this post. I thought the post was helpful and honest and trying to point out other roads. Go dawgs wasn't trying to pursade the OP..just show options.

     

    I find it hard to believe that anyone who is looking at being childfree hasn't already weighed/currently weighing the options. It's no different than the people who ask why haven't you looked at xyz? Why aren't you doing this? You should this before you write it off.

    I constantly have people telling me I should be looking at adoption and that I shouldn't "close that door" until I've investigated it. Because I totally haven't done any of that, I just decided one day that it wasn't for me, case closed.  

    I wasn't saying that she hasn't thought about it.  I'm simply inviting her over to the adoption board, which is a fantastic board of really amazing women.  We get posts over there all the time from people who aren't sure that adoption is for them, and the girls over there are very open with sharing their stories that may help someone decide if this is a path they want to choose.  If OP said that adoption definitely wasn't for her, I wouldn't have even come out of lurking to post.  However, if she isn't sure, the adoption board is a fantastic source of support and place to help explore another option.

  • I reognize you, therickson. I'm so sorry that you're here and that this has been such a difficult experience with your husband.

    Have you considered counseling? I've been doing therapy for 6 months and it's been incredibly helpful - I have a post about it in my blog (LIS).

    You're welcome to contact me, too. brookelynpaisley at gmail dot com

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  • Just so you know doctors are not god! 

    My brother and his wife were told they would never be able to have kids. They tried one more IVF and ended up pregnant with twins. After the birth of their twins the doc's told them they would never be able to have any kids 'naturally' so they did not worry about birth control .. well less then a year later they were pregnant again expecting a baby girl! So in there case the doc's were wrong!

    In my case I had cancer treatments that damaged my cervix. I suffered two second trimester losses previously .. then had more treatments that again damaged my cervix. I was told because of the previous cancer treatments I would not be able to have any more kids. Well I am currently going onto 24 weeks being pregnant with twins. I don't know if I will carry this pregnancy to term or not .. but my body has already done what the doctors said it could not do. So remember they don't know everything! 

    Also .. if you can't physically have a biological child there are so many children out there that need good loving homes. So don't give up hope!

    I wish you the best.  

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  • You are right when you say it would help if you could talk about it and get support. I highly recommend an Infertility Group. Please check in your area for one run by a therapist who specializes in IF issues.

    You deserve to have some support as you work through your feelings. 

    My darling daughter just turned 4 years old.
  • Wow, anger-much? I didn't take what was written as insinuating at all. She was just suggesting viewing the posts on the adoption page. :( Some of us do have struggles with adoption.
  • I really hope you don't find me responding or my signature rude, I just couldn't help but respond. Both of my aunts were unable to have children. One of them adopted three children. At first as adopted two brothers then later on fostered a girl that she ended up adopting. (if you ever want to explore your options after you and your husband find peace in all this, fostering children and/or adoption I would recommend due to my aunt.)

    However, my other aunt did not adopt. I am unsure if she ever tried or not seeing as it is a subject we do not talk about. She instead has spent her time spoiling her nieces and nephews. After my uncle received a new job she used that as a chance to travel with him. They would take cruises in the summer months and spend holidays traveling the country. Here lately she has been traveling to do marathons. And as I am the first niece/nephew to expect in a few years, I have spent more time talking to her about children. She has been shopping with me for baby stuff and off hand made a comment that caught me off guard (an I hope this is not upsetting you because I really think this helped her) she told me thank you for allowing her to be a part of this since she didn't have children of her own, she said got to feel a grandmother for the first time ever. For the first time ever, I realized how deeply this truly hurt her to never have children. She bonded deeper with her nieces and nephews and has been experiencing all the joys that parents experience, such as all the first and birthdays and holidays and graduations as well as the heartbreaks and the school troubles.

    Therapy can help, it has with my aunts, but I think you really need to talk to your husband about it. How it makes you feel, how it makes him feel, discuss the options the two of you would like to explore if any, and how you would like to tell your family. Maybe the two of you can see a second doctor and get another opinion? I've never been in the situation so I honestly don't know how or what the two of you should talk about. I can only tell you what I have recently learned from my aunts.

     

    I wish you the best of luck with dealing with the situation and the emotions during this difficult time. And if I am anywhere out of hand or line in saying any of this, I am truly sorry. I was lurking and could not help but respond as this is something I do feel hits a little close to home as I am close to both aunts.  

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